Thanks all, I read about 1/2 of after the affair and its funny the marriage counselor recommended it at our first session and I had already bought it and started reading it. Its helped me understand the how and the lies and that she didnt go out just to have sex with him, her and my emotional needs where not being meet. She was meeting here unmet needs with him and he with her. Most mens unmet needs are physical.I just tough to begin to try and understand why its gone on so long. I asked her a few weeks back when she was allowing questions about it if she ever thought about stopping and she said no, never. So with that in mind now that I stopped it, I think, why all of a sudden Im I the love of her live and the only thing in her life she ever wanted. We have made love more in the last 6 weeks then the last year combined.Some near records in 24hrs, mind you Im not complaining. Im just worried that this behavior wont last. Im trying to just enjoy the heck out of us right now, I love spending every waking momment with my wife, Im pretty sure most all her emotional needs are being met too. This is all Ive ever wanted in us and she knew that before the A. So what gives now? Why the change? Is she feeling guilty and over compensating. I love all this and kind of have went overboard filling her needs. But sometimes, alot of times, I can look at her and feel so sad about how we got here, I start to cry. I feel so emotional inside. I hate how we got here to this point of so much joy for both of us. She asked me if I hate her and I said no I could never, but I said I hate what she has done. Hate is not a word I usually use but in this case it fits.Im taking it a day at a time. She has adjusted her work sched so we can be together more, she works nights as a nurse so I sleep alone 3-4 nights aweek, that sucks! I really dont like being apart from her. She seems to feel the same. The other thing is she does not want anyone to know about this, the only one who knows anything is her best girl friend who knew before d-day, isnt that nice, she knew and we got together often and I didnt, to her credit my wife said that her friend tried to get her to stop, that didnt work. I told her friend I was not mad at her for not telling me and thanked her for trying to get my wife to wise up and stop herself. I sent and email to the OM after I found out and after my wife called him and said it was over, not in front of me, that said this was his restraining order, I had copies of all the x rated emails from the last 2 months between my wife and he and copies of the last 2 months and prior cell phone logs that I would be glad to come by and share with his wife if he ever had any contact with my wife at all again. They also made a video tape of my wifes says just her taking her clothes off, I wanted him to destroy that.He lives 1/4 mile from our house, on the same path my wife loves to take long walks along, funny. You dont know how many times I wished I would have just went there and talked to his wife anyway, she should know how she is being abused by him. But I think of it this way this is my insurance that she and he will stay apart, if I tell whats stops them from saying F it and just getting back together. She wants no one to know, Ive tried to get her to tell her mom, her mom knows somethings up. She wont have it. She wants it all behind her and only move forward.
Its difficult to move forward to me when I dont understand the past. I dont want to make the same mistakes.
So here I sit asking strangers for help.
Thanks again all for listening.
Matty

Hello,

What you are experiencing is called hystical bonding.

I believe you are making a huge mistake by not contacting the OM's wife. She has a right to know and if the roles were reversed I am sure you would have wished to be told.

In addition, you are sending a message to the OM that it apparently it was acceptable for him to be screwing your wife for 2 1/2 years and there are no consequences to this behavior. Your best bet is to have his wife watching him very carefully.

Your wife wishes to bury it under the rug. Exposure is a key for many reasons. First, it takes the thrill of the affair and shows it for what it really was. Your wife needs to be shown that there are consequences to her major disrespect and humiliation of you and your marriage. She was sexually involved for almost 3 years and made a nude videotape for this guy for gosh sakes. She told you that it would still be going on if she was not caught. She claims to have told him it was over but not in front of you? She works 3 to 4 times at night.

How would you know if she were to resume the affair. Apparently she was pretty good at hiding it from you for almost 3 years. This is why it is so critical to expose to the OM's wife. You have given your wife and this OM a free pass and then you tell them they better not do it again. 2 and a half years and these are their consequences? During this time she made a mockery of your anniversaries, Xmas etc. Of course she does not want anyone to know.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so passive and accepting of you cheating on her for so long a period as you have been? I hope you both have been checked for STD's. The bottom line is that by not exposing this affair to the OM's wife you have sent a clear message to the OM that there will be no consequences to his past behavior and you have only warned him in the future if he gets caught again then you will tell his wife. This is absurd and pathetic. If they could fool you so easily for over 2 1/2 years why could they not do it again at some later date? You are making a huge mistake my friend.

Matty:

Why did it last 2.5 years?

Because it could.

Mine lasted 4.5 years.

Go here> Curtains

Read my story of Dday.

Its what happens after Dday that is most important. You got a shot. Make sure the A is over. Then you can Rebuild. It's been 29 months for us.

Also find "Josephs Letter" on this site. Its a letter detailing the BS' wish to know what happened during the A, so that your Thoughts don't get the worst of you, and that you two can go forward in honesty.

LG

The OM wife DESERVES to know the truth about her marriage. She can keep an eye on the OM and help you verify that there is NC.

You are allowing your WW and the OM to walk away from this with no consequences whatsoever. And in addition to this, YOU are becoming their CO-CONSPIRATOR in their efforts to conseal the affair from his wife!! You want to be a co-conspirator with the man that was phuking your wife??

I can guarantee you that if you do not expose this affair to the OM wife, you ***WILL*** regret it. I promise you that one.

Personally, I think not only the OMW should know, but your older kids should also know, as well as your wife's parents...but considering that you won't even tell the OMW, I know you won't do that. Of course your wife wants this to remain her little secret. She doesn't want to have to face the consequences of her disgusting choices over the last three years. And you are going along with her little plan...it will come back to bite you in the end.

I agree with the other posters. You absolutely MUST expose this affair to the OM's wife. You may think it is insurance but trust me, it is far from it. What it really is is an opportunity fo your w's A w the OM to continue.

I know from whence I speak. The OW's H in my case found out about the A several months before I did. He chose not to tell me because his W asked him not to, had all sorts of rationalizations. What she was really doing was protecting herself and allowing her to continue the A with my H. During this time, the OW's H told me they went through this intense honeymoon period. The entire time, she was continuing to screw around with my H.

It wasnt until I found out on my own, a few months later that the A actually ended.

If you do not expose the A, it is highly likely that her A will continue. It seems unthinkable to you now, given the current state of your M. Trust me. Its not.

Keep posting here, read all you can. People will help you.