Well, this is my first time to post anything and have been reading through some of the letters so thought I would give it a try.

This is my third marriage, and my husband wants a divorce. I've been trying to change his mind, but to no avail, and wonder if I should even be doing that. This is his third time in six months that he has threatened me with divorce and is now carrying it out. It is also his, at least 15th time in the six years we've been together, that he has threatened to divorce me.

Our discussions of our problems have either ended up with threats of divorce, violent outbursts or verbal name calling. He has on three occasions choked me and many times destroyed furniture and many many times called me ugly names. He controls “his” finances/money because he insists that I don't know how to handle money and he can't trust me – except for my bills which I pay. My husband is also an avid hunter and fisherman and belongs to two sports clubs that keep him busy at least two weekends of every month. He even brought home a calendar last year that marked all the weekends he had booked and that I could plan the other weekends with him when he wasn't busy.

Here's my confusion: As I've read through the website articles on Love Busters I realize the we BOTH have put in our share of them. I see where I antagonized him into fights and I am confused as to whether he would have ever been violent with me had I not pushed the arguments, etc. He has also asked/insisted that I stop going to meet my girlfriends in the afternoons for drinks - his saying about it is "I'm hanging out in bars all afternoon drinking with other men". While some of "our mutual" male friends do show up on occasion the statement is one he uses to justify his reasoning why I shouldn't go. So here too, I fear I have done my own annoying behavior for my happiness at the expense of his. There's a lot more, but these are the main issues at this point.

My confusion remains though as to why I would even want to contest his desire for divorce - My sanity is hanging on by a thread. Thanks for any input you can give.

And why do you NOT want a divorce?


Hold on here! He should never get violent with you period. I don't care how mad he was, or if you started the argument, it is not your fault that he got violent. He is controlling you into believing that you caused it. Why would you think that YOU caused him to choke you??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please get some help for yourself. You will learn that you don't deserve any of this.

Thank you for the comments. I know my family tells me the same too. And I have read many books on the subject as well. I think it is my desire to not have another failed marriage along with how much I have put into being a "better" wife than before and have still ended up in the same place. I put a lot into loving him and giving him my affection with very little in return and maybe that's why my heart has still been open. Thanks

Lee,

No offense but it seems that the issues here are much deeper than your run of the mill martial problems. Namely, he has a violent temper with a history of physical violence and this is your 3rd marriage. I hear you taking responsibility for his violence towards you and that is not good. No matter WHAT you do there is no justification for him being physically abusive toward you.

Yes, going out to bars with your girlfriends could be a major love buster in the marriage and a lot of people would recommend you stop doing it if it's a problem for him But my guess is he is very jealous of anyone you have a relationship with as well as controlling in general (this frequently goes along with being physically abusive).

My advice is to get yourself into individual counseling and figure out why you have ended up with someone physically abusive and why your last 2 marriage failed. There is often common thread. Frequently, a woman who is with a man with a violent temper has self-confidence and self-esteem issues. If you can work on that, you might find the answer of whether to stay with him or not will come much easier.

How far along is he is the divorce process? Has he seen a lawyer? Has he moved out?

Lee,

I totally agree with BHINWI that no matter how angry ANY person gets with another person they should NEVER resort to violence. You are worth more than that as a person.

You may want to drop your guard with him and have a good honest heart to heart talk with him. Both of you try to remember what brought you two together in the first place and try to rekindle that. Communication is key! Recognize your love busters and change them. You are responsible for your own actions. Sometimes when a one spouse changes their ways (for the good of the marriage) the other spouse will also.

Keep us posted.

Ronda

That is what is so disheartening about myself is that I was in counseling when I met him and it went very well until it came to end after a year and half - I thought I was ready to move on. And he even went with me to file a restraining order on my x-husband and told me he would never treat me that way ie. name calling, angry outburst, etc. I was doing great in my counseling and finishing my degree in teaching and felt I was ready for a new relationship. But sadly the joke was on me - just not funny at all. Yes, he has seen a lawyer and presented me with MDA papers and threatening that if I don't take what he is offering then we go to court and fight it out. I too have talked with a lawyer and sadly what he is offering may be all I get out of this, monetarily speaking. Thank you so much for your time and kind words.

[quote}.. went with me to file a restraining order on my x-husband [/quote]

OK, you are telling us you have been in 2 abusive relationships. You must figure out why you end up with guys like this.

Lee - Guys aren't supposed to abuse their wives period!! OK??? You have to believe that or this pattern will continue.

I know it is hard when someone has been physically or emotionally abused because they accept it as normal; as if they deserved it. But you do not deserved to be choked, or called names, none of it.

You cannot control the issues he has but you can control the issues that cause you to end up with someone like that. You need a good therapist to help you. Wouldn't you love to come home to a man that is loving and caring? One that you can trust? One that no matter how angry he is, you know he will NEVER raise a hand to you, or call you a bad name.

I apologize for sounding preachy but you DO NOT deserve this treatment.

There is nothing wrong with a little self examination as to what is your contribution to the demise of the marriage. Just don't justify violence on the part of your husband.

You have cited antagonism. Why do you want to incite arguements? What are you trying to achieve?

You have cited "afternoon drinks". It almost sounds like you are minimizing this. It sounds like it occurs quite often.

Do you in fact hang out in bars often and without your husband?
Do you drink to excess?
Do you drink and then come home and incite arguements?

First let me say that I'm not trying to diminish the "drinking problem", it has been a part of OUR lifestyle since we met. And while I use the word bars - that comes from his mouth - they are restaraunts like O'Charlies, Chili's, USA Bar and Grill - which is a favorite for us to meet - etc. The girls and I meet there usually around 3 or 4 in the afternoon and then my husband "use to" come meet us then we would leave for dinner - that is when he was not busy going fishing or hunting or some other objective he had in mind. He decided he didn't like it any more - at least for me - cause when we're separated that's where he is. Here's an example of the last fight we had - I had met my Dad for drinks that afternoon when one of my husbands buddies came in and sat with us. We called my husband to come join and he declined. From there we were to meet at home and watch a movie together, but I was a little later than he thought I should be and when I saw his anger I went to the bedroom and locked the door. He came right behind me and kicked in the door and the bathroom door where I had moved to. He was shouting at me that he wanted to know what "jim", his friend, and I had been doing. When he saw me with my phone in my hand and asked if I was calling the law he left. Next day wants a divorce - again. So I felt like if I had not locked the door and talked to him instead maybe none of that would have happened. This was one week ago today. He already had divorce papers ready from his last time at the beginning of December and from the time before in the summer. Thanks again for your comments. I do appreciate them and this is allowing me to analize things in, I hope, a better way than just sitting here moping and wondering by myself through all this. P.S. I don't know if this means anything, just thought I would add it in, my husband is 58 and I am 47 and sometimes wonder if some of our differences come from the age gap - not that I think it should but wonder if it does - to some extent.

Instead of continuously looking 'back' and wondering if the outcome would have been different, why not start looking forward.

You are not the cause of his violent outbursts. You CAN contribute to a situation in which he may react in anger but his reaction is his to own. If you know what kinds of things tend to trigger anger in him, you can try to avoid those things but anger and violence are still within him and can erupt at any time.

Start looking forward. If he is a violent man, you will not change him. He has to change himself. You have to decide whether you want that kind of man to be your husband. Don't wait until he injurs you.

That is a great idea - to start looking forward again. If I may, until I do find a therapist/counselor, start here in this forum. So I'll explain more about myself, and hopefully, that's not to look back except for the explanation part, but it may have something to do with my self-esteem problems, and as put to me earlier, a link in my choice of men. (I'll try to keep it somewhat short)

Married at 16 the first time that lasted 15 years, I dedicated my life to my kids and to church - my husband was a truck driver and gone a lot. I always wanted to get a college degree in teaching, But he was not very encouraging, wanting me to stay home with the kids. I did work however as a school bus driver for many of those years and did go to school some. He told me that since I married him I no longer had goals of my own but rather his goals were to be my goals. Ah, alas, confusion set in - not only by him but by the churches too. I did however manage to get an associate degree and then began to study for Education. We divorced in 1992 and my three children and I moved from Texas to Tennessee where my Dad lives to start over.

Married again in 1994, and that lasted 5 years. Finally at the end of that marriage I went back to school and did finish my BS in Education.

That's when I met my third husband. My Career looked promising and a new relationship looked promising. I was also teaching in a Sunday School Class of 5th graders and loved it. But ended up giving it up because I allowed my self to sleep with this man before marriage and couldn't stand in front of those kids and teach God's word knowing what I was doing.

Well, we married, and I was having difficulty securing a permanent position in the teaching field - too many politics for one. So now even though I have continued to look for work I have not worked in 2 1/2 years. I am still looking and hoping for a position that I applied for last week - pray that I get it.

I have been able to pay mine and my sons bills (last one at home - he's 17) with child support/survivors benefits since my first husband passed away last year. Part of me has enjoyed this time off with the desire of taking care of a home and the yard/pool, etc. But, it has infuriated my husband.

When we met he made $200 a week and I did help him pay "our" bills and now he makes $2000 a week and does not like to share it; except for the fact that we bought a house together and he pays the mortgage.

The delima for me though is that I have lost a lot of self esteem and now worry and am scared starting over with possibly a new career and financially making it on my own. I will lose the house - I cannot afford it- he pays me $7000 dollars and my son and I have to move by March 1st - that is his offer. There is not much equity due to a second mortgage he took out for his back taxes of $47,000 and I signed my name to them trying to be a "good wife".

Now I'm left with very little. Makes me so angry.

I do still study my bible and have some good friends, but all this has left me feeling so low and fearful. Low because I was stupid enough to believe that my husband cared for me more and allowed my self to be out of work this long.

My son plans to attend college - seminary school - after graduation next year and I fear him leaving as well. I have two daughters both married with children who are around here as well, but dread that empty nest.

Again, thank you everybody for listening and giving me words of encouragement. (sorry it wasn't that short - lol)

Please just remember one thing....and this became my mantra through my marriage, divorce and today.

"God will not give us more than he thinks we personally can handle."

You will get through this.

Another one I use is..."This too shall pass."

It's hard to imagine another way of life until you are forced to live it. Have faith!

Ronda

Thank you Rhonda. I just had some intriguing thoughts. Let me know if I may be on the right track.

As I explained about my husbands - they did their own thing and in a way it forced me to do my own thing, ie. Independent Behaviors.

My first drove truck and was gone all week and the weekends he took up with his motorcycle leaving me at home and the choice to do things independent from him - which was kids, church, bowling, schools and even then I went to bars too.

My third works for his brother and has a lot of freedom in that job to come and go as he likes and chooses to go hunting and fishing leaving me till dark sometimes and many many weekends. But, here most of my choices of Independent behavior was to go meet my friends for drinks; which I might add was not the best of choices for me, but that's what I did.

So here's my thinking - I have never learned Interdendent Behaviors and "forced" to become Independent. I remember when I got my first paycheck at age 14 and thought "oh how cool" now I can go buy what I want and no-one can tell me what to do with it.

The other is that I have never really felt like my husbands loved me and made disrespectful judgements on them for their selfishness which just fed my feelings of not feeling loved and continuing my Independent behaviors.

So where do those feelings of feeling unloved come from - I don't know. But maybe this is a place for me to start.

Thanks, Still appreciating your thoughts.

Here is an email I just recieved from my husband. He moved out last Monday and gave me MDA papers on Tuesday adn threatened me Wednesday for me to sign the MDA papers in 24 hours or he would move ahead with a court fight, but I told him I wasn't making a decision until Monday due to an appoitment I have with a different attorney than the first one I had. I told him it wasn't until 3 pm. He said he would give me till noon. Then I got this email this morning




I told him this is a form of bullying and did not look good on him but I guess he doesn't agree with this. I'm not sure myself but sure feels like it.

forward that email to your attorney and do what your heart tells you to do.

Keep us posted

Whats the story on the second husband? If you can share.

Try to have a good day
Ronda

Keep stalling the divorce along and make it expensive.

Demand that you want everything so that you have to negotiate through the attorneys.

Tell him not to contact you again on the matter.

I had to do my wife like that to keep her from taking absolutely everything we had and financially destroying me.

Typically, you would have 10 or 15 days to respond to the petition for divorce. What's his hurry?

I would be very tempted to call his bluff and contest his demands. It seems like he is trying to bully and rush you into making a decision that will likely be most beneficial to him.

Discuss your options with your atty. Also, make sure you are not setting yourself up to be tied to his debts.

Hi everyone, Sorry I haven't been on in a few days. I did talk to my attorney and relayed some of the information to my husband and now he is thinking of making me a different offer but didn't say what. I too think he was rushing it for his benefit and there are a couple things he listed with his attorney that he is paying but not honest about all of it and I'm thinking he doesn't want this found out by anyone. So yes, things are a little quiet right now and I hope and pray it stays that way to give me some time also. Thank you all for your advice and I will keep you informed and would love your prayers through all this.