I just found out 4 days ago that my husband of almost 8 years has been talking and texting a coworker for about 6 months. The talking and texting occured everyday and all hours of the day. He has reassured me that it was never physical and I have to believe him because based on the phone and text records I don't know when they would have actually been together. He says the texting sometimes turned to joking sexually. He continually says she was just a friend to talk to and he never viewed her as any thing else. I guess I believe him, but I just don't know how to get past the pain that I feel. It would be so bad if it wasn't every day all hours of the day. When I ask him why it was so often he said he became addicted talking to her, because she was so easy to talk to. We have two small children and I am pregnant with our third. This pregnancy was very unplanned and has been a stress on both of us. He claims that I became unapproachable and that he turned to her for advise and just someone to talk to. It is very hard for me to believe that it was just friendship. Does anyone have any advise on what our next step should be? Thanks

CS,
I'm sorry you're here and I'm sorry for your pain.

You're in the right place...

Do you know who the other woman is? I'm pretty new here too. But there's alot of veterans that have alot of good advice.

It sounds like you're not absolutly positive he's having an affair... and he very well might not have gotten to that point yet... but if the texting continues he will probably be on his way to one...

Have you read about the basic conepts of marriage builders?
Here's a link to the sumary of basic concepts...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

I am new here, but I started dealing with a similar situation 8 months ago. My husband was involved in an emotional affair with a co-worker. If you haven't taken this step, the next step should be that he end all contact with her.

My husband tried to claim the other woman was just a friend, but the following article allowed him to see it for what it was. http://www.dearpeggy.com/emotional.html

He ended contact, left his job, and entered marriage counseling with me. The recovery is still a work in progress, but it wouldn't have been possible at all had he not given her up entirely. Like the article says... it is the deception, in any affair, that is the hardest pill to swallow.

Yes, I know the girl. She works with him and we actually had her babysit our two children when we went for an ultrasound! I know they are friends, but in my mind it had to be heading towards more than that with how frequent they were texting and talking. I work nights at a hospital and he tells me he just needed someone to talk to. I am going to be getting off nights, but until then I need to know how to build the trust back. I have his cell phone now, so I know he isn't texting or talking to her on it. He told me I could take all the phones in the house so that I would know he won't be talking to her while I am at work. He is making an effort, but were he works with her it makes it very hard to trust him because he could always be talking to her at work. I do give him credit because he told me who it was right away and he has appeared honest with all the questions I have had. I just can't figure out how to get past the pain I am feeling!

They cannot work together any more. It never works out. Even for your peace of mind and protection - he needs to change jobs.

Thank you so much for the link with the articles. I printed them off for him to read, so that he will actually see it for what it was! Thanks again

I told him that he needs to look for a different job. However, what do we do in the mean time? We can't afford for him to be without a job with a third child on the way. I told him that I wanted to know when she is working and if they talk at all, even it is a simple HI! I just don't know what else to do!

CS,
The link I posted was for you...and your benifit. If you're trying to educate your spouse... you need to realize that no amount of education, material, reasoning etc... is going to make him change... HE has to WANT to change for himself...not because YOU want him to... otherwise it isn't a genuine change (Genuine = real).

I.E. If you insist on going to Marriage Counseling and he doesn't think its nessasary...He may not take it seriously...try to sabatoge the counseling...be resentful about it...etc etc etc... He has to want to be there... Not just you.

I read something that went like this...

When you're in a bad relationship you have three choices...

1. Do nothing... and nothing happens... probably gets worse...
2. Make a change for the benifit of the relationship ,yourself and your partner...
3. Pack your bags and leave...

Just my humble opinion...but 1 & 3 are not an option...And the only real change that I have any control over is the changes that I make...

Peace

I hate to say this but it is extremely likely that your H is having an A with this woman. I didnt think my H was having an A either because it didnt seem possible in terms of time. He was very creative and met her in parking lots at lunchtime, before work - when he was at the "gym", etc... Trust me, if you arent with him 24/7 - he has "time".

In order to protect your M - the following steps should be taken:

1. read up as much as you can here. There is some invaluable information on exposing, plan A, etc.. All things you will need to know about.

2. Send a No Contact letter. Your H needs to agree to never speak or see her again, there is NO gray area here. If you are to save your M - this MUST be done

3. Your H needs to find another job. It may be scary to think of him being out of work with another child on the way, but if he doesnt, your M is at risk. That is even scarier

4. Is the OW married? Boyfriend? If so, you need to expose to him.

I am so sorry you find yourself n this circumstance. It is awful but if you have to go through it, this is the best place to be.

Sorry I relplied to the wrong thing, I was meaning to reply to Exodus 1414. They sent a link describing an emotional affair, and that is what I printed off to show him. Because he didn't understand, he just kept saying she was only a friend. The article that I printed explained exactly what an emotional affair is. He read it and I think it scared him when he realized what he was really doing. Thanks for all your advice as well.

Yes, after my H's EA, I showed him similar articles and he had the same reaction; It scared him.

You ask about next steps the two of you should take. You seem certain that the EA is over, so my suggestions are made assuming that you are correct. However, his statement about you being "unapproachable" so he "turned to her" is a very foggy statement on his part and is an indication to me that he does not yet recognize the enormity of his behavior. There may be emotional needs that you were not meeting well for him just as there were emotional needs that he probably was not meeting for you. But waywards tend to come up with excuses that lay the blame for their failure to set appropriate boundaries with OW on their BS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />.

He should write her a no contact letter that makes clear that he will no longer behave in the manner that he was behaving. Something short that lets the OW know that your H realizes that his contact with her was inappropriate and disrespectful to you and to his family. He should tell her in the letter that any further communication with her will be for business purposes only.

Is there a supervisor that your H could turn to in order to eliminate any need for contact with this woman? It really would be best if contact could be eliminated before he finds another job. Then, the no contact letter could say that he will have no more contact with her, period. That would be best.

From reading on this web site and from my own experience with my H's EA, no contact is best for many reasons. Your knowledge of a chance of contact between your H and the OW is going to be [email]H@ll[/email] for you. It will also create all sorts of triggers in you and it will be difficult for the two of you to begin to rebuild your relationship. Triggers are those things that remind you of the deceit and of the EA. They create a state of panic--no good at all for you in your delicate condition <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Also, with contact, there is a risk that your H will return to EA behavior with her. He needs the distance of no contact to truly 'get' the inappropriateness and selfishness of his EA behavior. He is still justifying the behavior by saying 'she was a friend', or 'it was just harmless fun.' That is what my H did for many days after discovery.

With distance, he will be able to see that he was deceiving you on an hour by hour basis. This deception is huge. He was withholding his sharing of intimacy with you and he was giving it to another woman. He was meeting OW's needs and allowing her to meet his needs. He was denying you the opportunity to meet his needs. He was caught up in the EA and not thinking about your needs. I could go on, but I am sure I am not telling you anything that you are not already aware of.

So, no contact is really essential for the two of you to get your marriage back on track.

How was the marriage other than this EA? The two of you can recover, but it takes time and it takes work. Much of the work is fun though. Are you able to spend 15 hours a week with each other in date-type situations--just the two of you with no kids? Have you looked at the emotional needs questionnaires yet on this web site?

Let us know how you are doing and if you are able to make arrangements to achieve no contact by having him work with a supervisor to get that put into place.

I am sorry for the panic and pain that you feel. But you can build your marriage into a better marriage. And I sure am glad that you discovered the EA before it went further. I hope that you are correct that it did not go any further. I also hope that your H is really committed to establishing no contact and in understanding how such a relationship is way out of bounds for a committed married person--an A of the emotional type.

Thank you so much for your post! I actually pretened to be my husband and texted the other girl, just to see what kind of info she would give up. Based on what she had to say I know it wasn't physical. She also told him that if he didn't want a divorce then he needed to tell me that and that she would never be able to be apart of his life if we were going to make our marriage work.
I contacted a Christian counselor yesterday and we are in the process of setting up our first counseling session. I am a little nervouse since I have never done anything like this. He gets frustrated that I keep asking the same questions, so I think he is ready for us to start trying to recover from this.
My sister was able to come up this past Saturday night to watch the kids for us, so we could go out and talk. We both agreed that it was really wierd! Our oldest son is almost 4 and we have only went out one time that we can remember without kids since he was born! However we both decided that we will be going out a lot more without kids, because we have to for their benefit. We have already made arrangements to have his parents watch the kids for us the weekend after Valentine's. That will give us an entire weekend without kids! It is just hard because we live 2hours from family and it is hard to pay a babysitter so we can go out to eat, but we both decided that from now on we have to do it.

Does anyone know if you can get a court order to obtain phone records without a lot of hassle? They told me I could get a copy of the text messages, but I would need a court order. I'm not sure how hard that would be to do, but when I look at the records of times they sent messages and how frequent I can't help but wonder what was really said. I almost want to obtain the actually messages, just so I know for sure it was never physical. If I were able to find out what was said and found out that he lied to me that would be a total deal breaker! Does anyone know the steps I would have to take to get a court order? Thanks

confused,

I'm glad that the link helped you. I agree with the poster that said we can't change another person, but it is difficult for any of us to change if we can't see there is a problem. That site helped my husband see the situation from a perspective other than mine, and he was able to understand that it wasn't just me making a disrespectful judgement.

I know how difficult it is reestablish trust, but I am glad that it sounds like your husband is willing to give up the OW and work on the marriage with you.

Best wishes to you.

Put a request in on the General Questions forum about court order to obtain text messages. I hope you do not feel the need to contact OW again. I understand the desire to do that. I think it helps the WS feel as though they have some control over the situation. But "no contact" means that both you and your H should have no contact with OW. It will only bring up bad feelings for you.

How is it going with your H establishing "no contact"? This is a very important step in your H's ability to fully come out of the EA. If he has contact, he is basically still involved in the EA, even if he tells you he has no feelings for her and the EA is over. It cannot really be over until there is no contact and he has an opportunity to go through withdrawal.

CS,

If he is willing to read something, perhaps this will give him a bit of clarity as to how close he is to crossing the line if he hasn't already.

Crossed the line? <<< Just click on this link. It will take you to a questionnaire that you can print out for him. While there, look at the other "Quizzes" that are there as well. They can also help identify your own vulnerabilities.

You might also take a look at this link>>>What is an affair

This second one is from the articles link on this site and was written by Steven Harley.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You will find that whether your husband has had an affair or not, there is a lot of great material here that can help you in building a stronger and more vibrant marriage.

Mark

The quiz Crossed the Line was very helpful. It really opened his eyes to his behavior. At first it was hard for him to realize what he did was wrong, b/c he felt since they never touched and it was just talking that there wasn't anything wrong with it. Now he knows what he did was wrong and he is making every effort he knows how to try and make it right. We have our first counceling session next week. I just hope they will be able to help me figure out how to deal with all the hurt and pain I feel. I seem fine when we are together, but once I leave for work or he is at work I start thinking about the whole thing and it literally drives me crazy. I guess I still don't understand why? I have a tendancy to look at the phone records over and over and that really sets me off. I know I shouldn't because I already know what is there, but I am just obsessed! I just want to thank everyone that has responded to my cry for help! I really do appreciate all the knowledge you have to offer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My H felt the same way--since there was no touching and he knew that he did not want it to evolve to touching, there was nothing wrong with his behavior. When he read the quiz, he realized that he had entered EA territory and it really did scare him to realize he was on the slippery slope and that EAs either stop or turn into PAs.

When you are ready, when you are sure that there is no contact and that the EA is over, it would be good to get rid of the records that you are obsessing over. I too obsessed over records that I obtained. It took me months into recovery before it dawned on me that looking at those records was a form of "contact" that was hurting recovery. I think I needed those records for a while as they helped me feel as though I had some control over the situation. But I think I should have gotten rid of them much sooner than I did.

I think it is important that your H get to the place where he is able to have complete "no contact" before you give up your records. You could give them to your counselor or to a trusted confidant if you want to keep them for a while but not have them available to you to obsess over.

I think it takes time for the BS to get over the hurt of the A. Doing fun things together helped us. But you say that you feel most vulnerable when he goes to work. This is understandable if there is still the potential for them to talk to each other or see each other. This will delay your healing.

How is he handling that? Is he able to set it up so he does not see her or talk to her?

Sadly, he has not been able to set it up so he won't ever see her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She is studing to be a teacher and the night I pretended to be him she told him that she would be quiting anyway. I just don't know when? I asked him if he knew when she was quiting and he didn't know for sure, and he didn't exactly want to call her to find out! Which I really don't want him to, but I was thinking about calling her to find out. Not sure if I should or not? Based on others advice I shouldn't contact her either. I just wish I knew. I ask him every day if she is working and so far in the week since I found out she has only worked with him once. He told me she just looked away when she saw him.
As far as the phone records I know they aren't helping me heal at all! I haven't even seen the last months record yet. He actually wanted to sit down and go over them with me so he could try and answer any ? I might have. He asked if there were any dates in particular I was curious about. I worked overnights on New Years Eve, and was curious how many times they talked. He already told me that she sent him pictures from every bar she was at because she felt bad that he had to stay home. He is really trying to help me understand, but I don't think I will ever fully understand. The day we got married I took my vows for better or worse and I stuck with them! I just wish he could have done the same <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Well, yesterday he worked all day. He told me that she stopped in to talk to him b/c I had called her the night before to see when she was planning on quitting. He said she was affraid I was going to sue her b/c our state is one of the few that you can sue for alianation of affection. I have no intent of doing anything like that! I was very nice when I left the message simply asking when she thought she would be done. He said she is scared and feels like if she doesn't quit I will sue for sure? I have no idea why she would think that. He thought it was funny b/c he said she was being so dramatic.
When he got home last night I asked if she had to work or if she stopped in just to talk to him. He said she just stopped in, but as it turned out she had stopped in early to talk, but later had to work. He said he didn't know she was working until later he heard her voice overhead. He said he avoided her and didn't talk to her. Then this morning he told me that when he was leaving she came out of the office and asked how the baby and I were doing. He said she knew that we were struggling with a little pre-term labor! I have another 9 weeks to go, but don't think we will make it that long! He said he just said fine and left. I know I should be happy that he told me at all because he easily could have not, but it really made me realize that one of them has to leave their job. He asked if I wanted him to start looking for a different job? I told him it wouldn't hurt b/c you never know what is out there he might find something better. However, he has worked for this company for 8 years and makes good money, and it will be hard to start out somewhere else making the same. I feel she should be the one to leave since this a part-time job for her until she is done with school. I am hoping the counselor next week will be able to help us figure out what we should be doing. Like so many of you have already said there really needs to be a no contact policy, and that truely means absolutely NO CONTACT at all! Thanks confused spouse