hello all, down to the meat heres whats going on:

i married my wife when she was 18 and i was already in the military. a week or so after we got married, we found out she was pregnant. a couple of months after that we had to move to texas for training i had (it was an 8 month tour). a couple of months after we get to texas she moves back in with her mom in missouri because it was her first time away from home and she was pregnant. she has our first daughter (i was able to take leave and be with her for it) and a month later i move back to missouri. i had a rough childhood without a father (or a decent one to speak of) and it was hard for me to adjust having a kid. our marriage was never really a good one we were distant from each other but trying to stay together. 15 months later we are pregnant again. things are looking better but we get orders to georgia. again she is very homesick and travels back and forth to missouri often. feb of last year she went to stay with her mom while i had to go on a tdy for more training. it was only a couple of weeks and when i get home she says she doesnt want to come home. of course i was shattered. we talked for a month or so trying to work out things over the phone. she agrees to come back and we go to marriage counseling. we only went 3-4 times because it seemed we were doing much better. she says the reason she left was because i was emotionally cold and i didnt help her with the girls and i always blamed her for everything, no matter how minute. she was right. things seemed better after that. a few months later (june) i got an assignment to an overseas base. i put in for us to go together as a family. the next month my youngest daughter had a seizure. the doctors discovered a condition that ultimately eliminated her from being able to go overseas. my wife and i talked and we thought it would be a good idea for me to go alone (its a 15 month tour) so we could save money to buy a house at our next location. she moved in with her grandmother in missouri and pays low rent to help save money. ive been gone 3 months (i left in nov) and last wednesday night she tells me over the phone that she doesnt think she can "do this" anymore. shes says shes not sure if she loves me and she wants a separation. ive been in tears for the last 5 days. she seems so cold about everything when i talk to her on the phone for the short amounts of time she allows me, like shes already convinced that its over. im desperate. i went to church today to pray, even though ive been an atheist since 1997. ive talked to the psychologist here on base and the chaplin. they both tell me that she should talk to someone also, but when i mention it she gets angry. she hasnt even told her mom or grandma yet, and im supposed to going to see them next month (which was arranged before this). im hurting so much. i dont want to see this marriage end and im so afraid i might end up like my worthless father if, god forbid, we do get a divorce and she gets custody.

also, i forgot to add, that since shes been staying back in missouri shes been going out on the weekends and leaving the kids with her mom. i know she needs to get out of the house (she doesnt work) and blow off some steam, but the thing that bothers me is that her best friend there cheated on her husband while he was deployed and divorced him, and thats the friend shes been going out with. shes told me before that she likes when guys pay her attention and tell her shes beautiful (which i stopped and im so sorry) even though from the outside you can plainly see its all false; guys in bars only want one thing. should i be worried about this or is this the kind of thing that happens on normal girls night out?

also, when she told me about the separation she deleted me off of her myspace and set it to private. should this be a concern or is it normal? i dont want her to erase me like out of sight out of mind.

please if anyone thinks they can help im trying to learn anything i can to save my family.

Hey Beggarx,

Welcome to MB... I'm sorry that you need to come here but you've found a great place for information and support.

First off, have you read all of the articles here on the MB website? This will help you understand the concepts and any advice that you receive.

Your situation sounds very common for a young military family. The TDY and un-accompanied tours and combat tours are very tough on ANY family... and IMHO (I've been in many of the same situations that you've described) they are even harder on a young family such as yours.

You are doing the right thing in talking with your Chaplain and the psychologist on base... keep in touch with these key members as they can help you.

For now, read up on His Needs/Her Needs and look at some ways that you can try and meet your W's needs while you are apart. It's hard, but when you call her or e-mail her, try to NOT talk about relationship stuff... this will only get you riled up and you will most likely end up in an argument.

I'm usually up on the "off" hours from the states so post here if you have any specific questions.

Thank you for your service to our country and please keep reading here...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I agree with RIF. Not uncommon in young military families... and even established ones that are on shaky ground.

Our son was EFMP. If you can last through this cycle, the next assignment should be better in that you will be able to go as a family now that you have the EFMP flag.

Try to encourage your wife to seek counseling from a point of understanding her frustrations. She may feel that your request means you feel that the problems are all hers. I've been the spouse playing what feels like second fiddle to the military. It can be a lonely and stressful life. Unless the spouse was a military brat or served themselves, it is very difficult for them to understand the lifestyle they are signing on for when they fall in love with a service member.

I know that this is confusing, hurtful, and frustrating for you. You have both endured a lot of changes in the past few years. She is transitioning in a major way... trying to learn how to be a wife, a mother, adjust to Army life, and not prepared to leave the childhood nest. I imagine she is feeling very overwhelmed... as are you.

She is talking through the fog of seeing greener pastures. She may not be having an affair, but she's thinking about it, wanting to be praised and propped up on a pedestal. Understandable but, as I often say, "once you have kids you don't get to be selfish any more." Do what you can to show her that those greener pastures are a facade. Ask her family for help. Let her see what life would really be like if she were out looking for another guy; what guy is going to take on a girl with two kids, to start with; and how will she know which guys only want SF? Explain to her how common that is; she may naively believe these guys at the clubs.

And of course, follow the principles here. Don't give up without a fight! (not really a fight...you know what I mean)

Hey Beggarx,

Are you still out there? Just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing today...

You might want to move your thread over to GQII as they get more traffice on that board...

Semper Fi,

RIF

yes im still here. sorry if i havent been on but i have been swamped at work, gearing up for an inspection. we talked a little and were truthful about many things (at least she said she was truthful). we both confided that we had both thought about an A at one point or another, but we both have never acted on it. she said that sometimes when she thought about it she thought shed want to see what it would be like if she had another man instead of me, to see if it would be a better life. that hurt but i liked that she thought that she could trust me enough to tell me that. but something disturbed me, she asked would i forgive her if she cheated in the future and i told her im not sure that i could. im worried that she may still be wanting to do it. i talked to a good friend of mine that has been through alot in his relationships and he gave me a very good piece of advice: dont harbor on the "what if's". if you do it will tear you apart and also you wont focus on the "what if it all works out". i have another appointment with mental health on thursday. today i went back to the gym and worked out with my friends like i was doing before. my buddy told me, "maybe she will see your new body and that might give her something to think about" (i am a little overweight and i know even if people dont say it, physical attraction is still in the back of your mind when you are in love). he also said that working out will help with my stress and if things do turn out for the worst, i will have a new body to be proud of, both to be healthy for my kids and to boost my confidence if i start looking for another relationship in the future.

Your friends are right. Working out will make you feel good physically, and about yourself. Good stuff, being honest. That's what it's all about.

Hey beggarx,

Ditto!

Your friends are giving you some good advice. Keep reading here and keep working out...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I would talk to her and ask her to STOP going out with friends to the bar. That is a recipe for disaster. I'm sure she needs a break, but she can go shopping or hiking or biking, or walking with friends during the day.

A married mother of two has no business at all going out to the bars.

I would also enlist her family's help. By babysitting they are enabling her to get into some serious trouble.

i know she likes going out, she never really got the chance to because we married young and i was the kind of person that doesnt like that kind of thing (ive changed. i would LOVE to go out dancing and have a great time with her), so she never got the chance to. also, it doesnt bother me that she goes out dancing really (girls have girls night out) as long as i can trust that its only dancing and seeing her friends. shes told me that shes told her mom and grandma whats going on. i asked her what they said and she said they just told her to what makes her happy. im glad she told them though, because i am pretty close with them both so im confident that i can talk to them some and she wouldnt get too angry.

im scheduled for a tdy back to the states next month and before any of this happened i had put in for leave to go back to missouri for a week and see them. we talked and i am still going to go, and she suggested that i could sleep in our bed with one of the girls and she could sleep in the girls bed with one of them and switch out. im glad that she decided to stay in the house while im there so it wouldnt have the girls seeing us apart.

we are talking more, kind of like old friends where we talk about our days but still no "miss you" or "love you". im in a dillema now as what to do for valentines day. should i send something to her? im going to send the girls some candy or something but im afraid to put her off if i get her anything. then im also worried that if i dont she will think that im over us being together.

I'd go ahead and call a florist (or do it online, since you're out of country), and have them deliver her something, with a card saying 'looking forward to seeing you, Love, XX'.

Hi beggarx,

Mrs. RIF had just turned 18 when we married. Our oldest daughter was born before we were married a year...

Mrs. RIF wanted to "go out" dancing (and drinking) and would do so when I was in the field... Guess where she met the "first" OM???

Married women with kids don't need to be "going out" no matter how young they are or how much they "missed out" by marrying at a young age. This IS a recipe for disaster.

I would continue to work out with your friends and go to counseling... keep reading here about Plan-A. I would also try and talk with your MIL and her grandmother and ask them for their help. Let them know that you are not comfortable with her "going out" as she is a married woman.

Oh, and I would definitely get her something for Valentines Day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

I agree. You need to point out to her that she is being unfair to the marriage by going out where the men, by default, are just there trying to find a girl to screw.

Make it one of your boundaries - no clubs unless you're together. And stick to that. Gently, of course, but stick to it. Make her understand how much it matters to you; find other things she can do with her friends; do not let it drop, no matter how angry she becomes.

She likes it because the guys hit on her and make her feel pretty and wanted. Ask her why you thinking the same isn't enough, and what you can do to change that.

Begg
I agree strongly with the "NO BARS" attitude
alcohol can bend a girls will power.. and the guys there know it.. she is putting herself in danger. ask if she cant do some other stuff for fun where there isnt any booze and where she can be protected by girl friends who want to protect her marriage... she needs to "family" type recreation
jb

Hi Beggar - sorry for the troubles you and your wife are going through. Your problems sounds very fixable - but you need to understand what is going on before you can really get at the bottom of it. Kinda like going to the doctor - just knowing that something is wrong isn't enough. You need a diagnosis before you can find the cure.

So what do you think is the major problem in your marriage? What is it that your wife needs you to do and not do to feel in love with you again? I could make some guesses based on some of your comments but me knowing doesn't help things. You need to know or at least have a pretty good idea what needs to happen to make things right again. What is your game plan?

In general your plan should be to do the things that make your wife feel great around you and avoid doing the things that make her feel bad. Simple in theory - sometimes hard in practice. Make a list like, "Sincere compliments daily, spend meaningful time with our kids every day I'm home, do not criticize or belittle her ever." Write it down and look at it everyday. Ask her to tell you what she needs from you then ask her how you are doing every once in a while. When she sees that you really are going to be different, for real and for ever - she will very likely open up and even want to improve herself. This will take time though - like weeks or months of consistant changes on your part.

As to her going out and stuff, I agree with everyone that she is putting herself in a very very vulnerable position - one that could lead to choices that seriously damage your marriage. The myspace thing is pretty concerning as well. But, all you can do is respectfully share your desire that she not do things that make you feel uncomfortable. You can briefly explain why you feel the way you do if she doesn't readily agree. But once she hears your request and understands it - you cannot do anything else about her behavior. Do not try to control her. Do not demand anything of her. All you can do is make respectful requests, even if her actions seem totally out there. The only person you can control is you and what you are going to do.

Hope this helps. Tell us how things are going. You have a great opportunity to show her how different things can be when you go back to visit. Don't let that situation put so much pressure on you both that it ruins the experience though. Have your game plan in place and play it the best you can when you are together. Use that time to make serious love bank deposits. Read Harley's stuff and use it.