My saga continues. My divorce is not even 2 months old. After the divorce my ex decided letter of the degree was best for us and our s3. She was dating her new bf and getting ready for the holidays. If you read my previous post; I was not able to Plan B because of the harm it would have caused my son. After the divorce and with a bf; I went on with Plan B; which goes along well with letter of the degree.

Honeymoon period and holidays are over. The psychology of the bf does not match my ex’s profile. He is ex military (AF & CG) and now a state trooper (originally thought he was a fireman). She is a school teacher and operates very loose. Low statistically for a chance at relationship success.

Ten days ago she stopped me while picking up my son and asked to talk. I gave her twenty minutes of my son’s time with me to listen. From that day on we have visited on the phone or at pick-up/drop-off everyday. She calls me (confident the bf does not know). On MLK day I had arranged to have parents keep s because both s and ex did not have school. She called and wanted to have an extended visit at drop-off. I delayed parents an hour so we could visit alone in public. She explained her feelings for me; she wanted to be friends. To cover my bases, I also explained if she wanted a relationship beyond friends that she would need to do three things 1. Expose affairs and secret activities over the last two years, 2. seek individual counseling, and 3. extended couples counseling.

Never in my life did I thing should would consider these conditions. So, I extended her my friendship. Call last night and she is lonely and rethinking her decisions. She was willing to do everything I asked and start down the road to reconcilation. She wanted to know if I was interested in a relationship. How my family would react? Her final question really caught me off guard, if I would consider having another child with her.

I have always said, I would not have any more children with anyone other than her and the chance of me remarrying was highly unlikely. The half brother/sister would not be fair to my son (in my mind/thinking).

Anybody have thoughts on how to proceed. This is dangerous territory.

Issue: If she is serious about another child. Ex is 41. Window of opportunity to have another child is closing quickly. Most likely, 12-18 months based on her past health issues.

On top of the items listed above. The plan would be too spend time as a couple, not family. She needs to commit to me not family. As friends we do typical divorced family things i.e. son’s kid birthday party. But, I am not at her house every night helping with the son and around the house. I will not go back to supplementing her income beyond court ordered cs.

Has anyone seen this before?
jc

I would be very careful that she's not just looking for a sperm donor and an increase in her child support check. But then, I'm very cynical about people's motives...

Yeah, I agree with Cathy - this is scary. I suspect she may be interested in a relationship because you are becoming her best option for having that child, not because she wants YOU.

I dunno, it seems to me that after an affair and divorce, any effort at reconciliation would require lots of discussion, lots of counseling, and lots of TIME, to make sure that you are truly recovered. I don't know that I would rush to bring another child into this world in the midst of all that.

So maybe if you go into this open minded and open-ended, that is fine. But if you hear her starting to talk about her clock, I'd get really nervous as to her true motives.

AGG

You must understand, I would love to have a second child with her.

The issue related to custody and support of another child would be covered in the pre-nupital agreement. She knows I would never get married without one or a legally binding contract dealing with conceiving another child out of wedlock (unlikely).

It would clearly define the terms
#1. I would become the custody parent and receive support for both children.
or
#2. Her increase would 5% of net and 1/2 medical bills (set by the state ag office - standard custody order). I already pay health insurance. Under that situation, her standard of living would decrease by 10-20%. My standard of living would be unchanged.

That's not quite what I meant. I meant that I would be careful about getting remarried to her (if that's what you had in mind), having a child, and then finding out that nothing has changed, she starts cheating again, or is not happy, or whatever, and then you subject yourself and a baby to all the hurt all over again.

AGG

I'd go extremely slowly with this. HOWEVER, if I remember correctly, you ex-W was on of those "Let's get this done PDQ--I want a divorce and I want it now!" types. If so, she may truly regret her rash decision and wish she had tried.

Now, when you aren't married is the time to try to fix the relationship. I wouldn't remarry for at least a year or more. If the window on conceiving passes, so be it. Better that, than to bring a child into the world only to be divorced all over again. JMHO.

I'd be concerned about any woman who talks about having a child before the relationship is solid. I always believed that kids come because of your love for each other - that you don't get together just to have a kid. JMO, though.

You both are on the same page I am. Your right, don't rush into anything. There is no timeline to follow. But, based on what I know and have researched about dealing with deep issues needing counseling. 3-6 months of individual cousenling and another 6 - 12 months of couples counseling. They can over lap a little. 3 months max. The couples counselor can not see us until May/June at the earliest. She does not have to see him individually, but would allow for the overlap. Otherwise, limited overlap (a month, maybe). Counseling would need follow-up beyond the 12 months regularly.

We could date as a couple during the individual counseling. Our son would have to be in the blind. Not to get his hopes up.

Had dinner with her and son on my way home. She is going to leave the bf soon. Next couple of days. She was open and honest, tonight. Truth be told, she only has 3 close friends. One of which introduced her to bf. The other is having a crisis. Third being me. I am OCD and do my homework. She knows I tell it like it is and statistics do not lie. In the fog she was not willing to listen, but now that it is a little clearer she seems to be listening.

Explained again the difference between being friends and having a relationship. Being friends means, I will take her calls and communicate (listening and advice) with her. See her and son once week as a family. But, I am not the fall back while she looks for a new beau. And she needs to be honest about her relationships. If she wants a relationship with me it is 100% or not at all.

I am looking for flaws in my thinking. Any comments are apperciated.

Thank you to everyone at Marriage Builders.

Yup, that is what I'd be worried about too. I dunno, after my ex moved out but then her married OM did not follow through and did not leave his W (duh), she got kinda sweet with me, even wrote me a note with an "ILY" at the end - something I haven't heard in a year. But, before I even got a chance to ponder what it meant, she found a new guy to date.

I don't really know your story, but I would urge you to consider WHY you two got divorced, and make sure that all the hard work has been done to reconcile, not just swept under the rug. That would be the primary flaw that I would keep an eye on.

AGG

I intend to cover that with # 1 openness and honesty. She never really explained the Why. I have guessed. That is the reason for # 2. I suspect she could not live with the guilt of the EA's and PA's. She needs to be open and honest with me and herself and deal with the emotional scars in counseling. Not only from this, but she carries many over from her childhood. I would pay for the counseling even if we never reconciled. It is that important to me.

I spoke with my spiritual adviser this morning (waiting on reply from pastor - off today probably tomorrow). He concurs with me. God wants a man and woman to be married and committed to each other for eternity. My love for my ex and with my willingness to forgive her; I am being led by pray to attempt to reconcile. I believe I will be repaid in heaven for my pain here on earth. It is my obligation to my marriage if this is a real opportunity for reconciliation.

I intend to ease up on Plan B for a week. Support her emotionally in her time of need (Plan A). Then continue on with Plan B and let her do the work. I am only de-touring my recovery to help a friend then returning to course. My son comes first. Helping her part with the bf benefits my son. I had to explain that police officers are not mean the other day. He asked is anyone meaner than police officers and the answer was yes. Who? Daddy’s lawyers. His response was ‘I want to be a lawyer.’ Side note – law school can not come soon enough; I need keep some of my legal bills in the family.

When I exchanged notes on son’s behavior with ex about this. She said nothing. Used to she would have questioned my motives. Tonight, she told it was the confirmation she had suspected about bf attitude toward son. She also said ‘our son comes first and they are a package deal in any relationship.’

Relationships are complicated. Today my priorities are: son, family and friends in that order. If my ex wishes to be family it takes work on her part. If she wishes to be on top with my son it takes both of us committing to a (re)marriage.

Prenups do not cover children. You could try a contract, but they are hard to defend in court. Judges always side with teh needs of the child. Be careful.

Why would you want a second child with someone who dumped you?

I would run.

Tibolt - I did not know that. Just to make sure, I will ask my lawyer about state law here in TX. I talk or e-mail him every week about something. Get back to you. I almost asked him that question Thursday when I sent him an e-mail about a business deal we are working on.

RuffledNot - My parents are divorced and remarried. When they divorced I made a promise to God if I was blessed with a wife, that I would only get married once. I have had second thoughts about that one now. Second, my son is 3 and if by chance I married again (see my problem with one) at 33 now, by the time I remarried at earliest 36. Few years without new kids, makes 39. Graduate High School makes 57. College makes 61-62. Don't think so. The math doesn't work for me. On another note with that. As the NCP it would not be fair to my son to have children in a new marriage. I would feel awful about him missing out on things a new wife and I would do with our kids. ie. plan on going to the zoo with all the kids, it rains, so we cancel. Next weekend sun is shining and we go to the zoo. That is not fair to him.

I would love to have one more child. My ex and I would be looking at the outside 27 months to have one more child.

Lastly, I have loved her, do love her and will always love her. Love is a choice. I do not believe you fallout of love, just choose to stop loving someone.

PS - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> found out a couple minutes ago the bf is gone, gone, gone!

Just throwing this into the mix b/c it has not been mentioned yet... No need to hurry due to "biological clock" issues. You could always adopt!

Based on everything that I've ever seen, you need to really be very deliberate and careful here. Your son is counting on you to set a good example of a man who respects himself.

jcollin - One of the things that gets me is my age and not having kids yet. At 46, lets say realistically I could find someone or get back with the ex in 2 years, another year for a kid, I'm 49 at birth, 67 at high school, 71 at college graduation. I can only hope that I'll see grandkids. Count yourself lucky you've got several more years than I do.

You have admirable qualities. She is indeed blessed, and I hope she realise she has a lot of work to do on herself, and you too, on the marriage. You are sounding very positive on this reconciliation, and it is a good start!

God bless.