I have a question for some of the vets out there...

I had a counseling session with Jennifer a week ago. She kind of pointed me in a direction that I didn't think she would... Not exposing... And instead writing these letters...And maybe exposing later...

Any thoughts on why? I mean everything I read on hear say's expose expose expose...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The affair is not exactly a secret anymore. It's been exposed.

How do you know?

BTW....

Nice to hear from you pepper...

I saw your picture...Made me smile...

You're good at that...

Thanks

I'm by no means a vet, but Jennifer pointed me in the same direction. I had 2 sessions with her. In the first one I wasn't aware of the A. By the time I had the second one, I knew what was going on but hadn't confronted my H yet.

She advised me to write him an invitation letter - basically asking him to join me in a journey to improve our M by working together. She said that through that process he would possibly feel comfortable coming forth with the truth about his A. If he didn't follow through or refused the offer, then at that point she advised that I should confront him with what I know and start the exposure process.

Our situations may be different, but it may help you to know that she's given similar advice to others.

The kids all know. Her X husband knows... it seems this affair is already mostly exposed. If there is another person you think should know, by all means tell them.

Dealing with a dry drunk is not going to be straightforward. She apparently is functioning in this exposed affair without her conscious bothering her. She may not give a rat's butt who knows. In that sense, exposure is moot. She does not care.

I don't think my kids know... Her kid knows... SD said she doesn't think WS wants any of her relitives in Vermont to know...WW said her ex was calling everybody in her family though... Don't know if its true... but he did call me...

Her mom???? I'm not sure...She may be an enabler... She was married 4 times. I'm not sure but she seems to have encourage her to leave realationships before...

Her dad in vermont... not so much... that's probably why she doesn't want him to know...

Just a guess on my part....

Plus I havn't confronted her about it yet...

I did find something in SAA about letters though...on page 77 of my book...

Talks about being able to communicate with a WS that doesn't want to talk...

It also says.... "I've found that WS's have an easier time handling thier emotional reaction when they don't have to look at the betrayed spouse...

I don't know... maybe that has something to do with it...

She definately doesn't want to see me... Has avoided any visual contact... I don't think she can look me in the eyes...

SD said WS thinks she's really slick... that no-one knows... especially me...

Might be just SD opinion though... not fact...

Hi Amazin,
I have a similar situation with WW. She rarely wants to see me or talk on the phone, but we can text and IM each other all day. So I guess that makes sense. Too much guilt for what they've done or how they're feeling, maybe.

Also, this is slighly OT and sorry if I'm TJing, but I'm working with Jennifer as well (had 1 session) and her instructions were to write letters to my WW. I know she's given similar advice to a lot of others on here. Does anyone know if Steve Harley uses the same methods? Not that I doubt Jennifer at all. Im just wondering if Steve might have some other suggestions for things I could be doing on top of the letters. Why not have two coaches behind you instead of one right? I don't really have the $$ to keep seeing both, but I was thinking of atleast doing one session with steve to get his angle.

I would talk to Steve. He is the master

SD said she saw me in Wal Mart right after WS moved out... WS hid because she didn't want to see me...

WS had brake problems... I went to see the car at the shop... called her and asked if she wanted me to bring the keys to her work... nope... leave them in the glove box...

WS brought daughter over... when she picked her up she honked and called to make sure she was on her way out... again didn't want to look at me...

we can email all day when she's at work... Today she asked me to Take SD to DR.'s Appt ( I really felt like telling her to get OM to do it...but I didn't)

I counseled with Steve, and he never told me to expose my W's affair (shrug). But then again, I am now divorced, so who knows what coulda woulda been if blah blah <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, you are not alone in being counseled to not expose.

AGG

ANSWER:

LISTEN TO THE ONE YOUR PAYING.

You can post all day here and ask us questions.

Amazin
mywifeilove
drowning.

YOUR PAYING FOR THE ADVICE BECAUSE IT WORKS

AND THEY ARE PROFESSIONALS.

Many of us out here, having been there, have advice, that's worth the screen time to read it.

You get to call a professional, talk with them about your sitch, and then get advice that is tailored to YOUR circumstances.

Then you come here and ask "is this right?"

Please.

Follow the advice of the one your paying, and has been trained, and KNOWS the Harley principles.

There is NO SHORTCUTS for this stuff.

No MAGIC BULLETS.

Just a PLAN.

AND HOPE. That's what the HARLEYS Offer.

Your milage may vary, or you may not get any traction at all.

But Please, do not come here and ask US if JH or SH have given the "right advice"

END 2x4.

LG

LG,
Thank you...

I wasn't trying to stir anything up and I wasn't questioning weather it was right or wrong... I was just currious and I never asked Jenifer why... What I was asking was.... what is the reasoning for not exposing... I gave two possible suggestions and wanted to know if there might be another...

I didn't intentd to disreguard her guidance...

Hi Amazin:

I can understand why you're asking the question. Let me say that I was in counseling with Steve over 10 years ago, before the forum existed---and I was glad that was the case. You get many voices on these boards with differing opinions, and it can be hard to keep it straight. If you're working with Jen---then listen and discuss with her for the 'final' version.

With regards to exposure. Exposure is a tool used to end an affair. The only exposure that is absolutely necessary is that you expose to the wayward spouse---that you know they're having an affair. And even that may be slightly delayed (if you need to collect evidence or set up joint counseling in advance, for example). Exposure to others with regard to MB advice is optional. It can be very effective at times---if a WS respects their parents opinions, for example, it might be good to expose to them if you're unable to negotiate an end to the affair. Ditto to a boss, pastor, family, close friend, etc. If the OP is married, you may feel a moral obligation to disclose the affair to the OP's spouse.

When I was dealing with my wife's affair, Steve had me initially focus on lovebusters (as in eliminating them, not perfecting them... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />), and then the POJA and safe negotiation tactics. He told me that it was highly unlikely that my wife would 'agree' to any of the stuff that I was negotiating, but that it was important to learn and demonstrate the skills to her as part of Plan A. We included the issue of exposure in this---whether or not to expose to the OM's wife, her parents and family, my parents. There was little tactical reason to do any of these immediately (in both our opinions). The OM and his wife were in the process of a divorce (she had cheated on him), so I didn't feel a 'moral' obligation to help her abuse the OM---and there was always a concern that doing that would drive the lovers together (although that's not always a bad thing either...). With regards to family, we (SH & I) decided that other than my wife's only sister (who I exposed to after about a month of unsuccessful negotiations to end the affair), I would wait until just before Plan B.

The wider you go with exposure, the more of a clean-up issue you have with regards to the marriage. If everyone (family, friends, coworkers) knows---you may have to decide to pick up and move and change jobs, should you have an opportunity to reconcile. In our specific case, we had just moved to the area, and my wife had resented the last couple moves we had made---so again, a huge exposure would have made a reconciliation more difficult.

My opinion is that Steve and Jenn use exposure like a surgeon uses a scapel---it's for specific instances and cases where it will help.

Amazin, It is okay to ask questions and you should NEVER follow someones advice blindly...no matter what their degree or experience.
The Harley's are the experts here...but they are not infallible or beyond question. If you have a question, ask here..but more importantly, ask JH.
It's also important for you to partner with your coach in your recovery efforts. Just because something might have worked for poster A or B...it might not work for you. Be clear in what you are hoping for in your recovery and work with Jennifer to meet that end. Counseling with the Harley's does not guarantee recovery or even a healthy marriage if you stay together. Be active in your recovery, ask questions, provide input and work a plan that you and your coach are comfortable with.

Don't ever feel bad about asking questions here just because you are paying Jennifer.

K, MEDC,
Thanks...

That helps alot... I'll ask Jenifer the next session I have with her...