I have really struggled with posting as I am not sure what I am trying to ask, or if I just need to write it out....My husband and I have been married for two years, together for 4....We have some major differences, I mean major, we are on totally different wave lengths on some beliefs (some minor, some major), and to say the least, I have experienced some major frustration as I am sure he has....Just to give some examples, he is a very black and white personality and I have very logical thinking looking at different angles, that in itself creates conflict. I am a stickler with how I should be treated--i.e help around the house, contributing to the family etc, and my H is very content just being a long for the ride-he is very passive in nature, and this also causes conflict...Now let me say, we don't always fight, we have a lot of time between them and we seem to have a good relationship for the most part, we do love each other, and are passionate about each other-at least I thought so....now let me get to the BIG issue....
I have also known my H had a liking for porn, movies, magazines and such...at first I struggled with it--my own insecurities etc, but I have learned to watch some porn with him-I don't mind the softer stuff and it is nice foreplay--As a treat....The magazines-well I understand more about them now and he is an over the road truck driver, so sometimes this is his release, so as you see I have comprimised on two of the 3, the third being internet porn....I can't get passed it or accept it! Before my H moved in with me a few years ago he didn't even turn on a computer, so this was a whole new world for him, I found out about it by checking history, lost it, expressed my hurt and sorry to say but disgust-some of the sites were disgusting....plus the thought of my H sitting in our computer room, pleasuring himself to some of that filth (and I am not a prude), plus initially I explained the risk of pop ups and such and my son is on that computer....so let me start the rest by saying, I am not catching him every weekend, this has been a handful of times, the last was a few weeks ago when I went into the history (and yes I hate doing that), and it was clear, so he knew how to clear it and that was more upsetting-now he figured out how to be sneaky....the last straw was this past Saturday I got home a couple hours early and he was on the computer-I didn't think anything of it till the next day, I have infections all over the computer, something trying to download some protection as there is adult content etc...I call my H into the room and I was upset with him--for very obvious reasons, the sneakiness, my son etc....so he left the room, and now two days later we talk about it--his choice would have been to avoid it, but we started with a nice conversation....
Well it all came out, first, he doesn't understand my prudishness with it, I tried to explain how it makes me feel, and honestly the last thing I want to do is be intimate with him, believe I am trying to see his side, it is just this insecurity that I am "trying" to deal with, we talked about porn etc, and his next statement--I don't want it to get boring, moved on to basically I don't do anything in bed that he wants, he has to coach me through anything, I don't want to please him....Well let me tell you, I was shocked! I had no idea he felt that strongly about this and believe me, I felt he was completely wrong--yes there are things I don't want to do because I don't feel comfortable (anal), I do struggle with dirty talk-or dirty talk to his liking (raunchy), I feel that I step outside my comfort zone a lot, and most times end up enjoying it, but it isn't my first instinct....
Any way, sorry to be so long winded but I need to give the history with the recent....Where we are at right now, I don't know, I told him tonight-not in anger, that I don't have a lot of hope for our relationship, that we are so different in ways that really count, and now we are just thinking.....The worst is, he truly feels this way, and that is so hurtful that I cannot even imagine how he could think that...I jump in the shower with him, we make love in the morning, in the afternoon, we "play", oral, but the one thing he really wants (anal), I can't get myself to do- and I have even let him TRY!
What do I do, how do I move past this and try to make it work, cause right now, I don't think I can-and I do love him dearly.....please help
