Ok...so this one is a work on me issue, but in order to work on me I am going to lay some things out and see if you can help me...but the things I am going to lay out are going to be about my potentially STBX. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I have to start out with saying we are truly opposites. I am from the up-tight forest, and she is from the wild side. For the past 10 years, she has had to live in my world and tame herself to play within the bounds of the uptight forest. You can read into this and draw your own conclusions, you might just be right.

Very early in our relationship, we became pregnant. I also found out that very early in our relationahip she had a PA. I am not sure you would call it a PA, just because we were dating. I found out and confronted her, politely, and forgave her and never brought it up as a "you did this", but she did. Now, years later, the possibility that the oldest child (who is truly mine in my heart) might be a result of the PA (comparing pictures makes it hard to deny).

Four years ago, my work was taking its toll on our relationship. I had little control over it because of where we lived, and the job was for the military...so I couldn't just "get out and change the job" at the time. She began finding "friends" and trying to hang out with friends independent of me. I found, by accident, that she began posting her profile on dating pages. This was found by accident while searching the internet history for another website. When I asked her about it, she basically told me that she wanted to seperate and to begin dating and see if we could work it out. I made a concerted effort to work on us, and we made some mutual agreements/commitments to what we would do to make us work. We got back together...and things were good for about 2 years.

Now I am here again. She has asked me to leave and to seperate and to see if we can "get some seperation so we can see if we miss each other". She has found some new "opposite sex" friends who are also going through divorces...one of which seems to be spending an awful lot of time at my house overnight. The big problem is that in the past 4 months, she has dropped 25+ pounds and went from a fairly attractive 5'3 145 lbs to a drop-dead 120 lbs...and yes I have told her...but she seems to be more interested and receptive when other guys tell her.

When I asked her what she needed from me, she basically wants to be able to go out and "let loose". The problem is that, being from the "uptight forest" I tend to sit back and watch...and it pulls the fun from her and makes her not enjoy it. On the flip side...I always have to have something going on. Watching TV is not having something going on...call it a home project, a new hobby, a sport, etc. She doesn't want to do anything...has no interests that I can find (I have tried)...and blames me for being too busy. I have tried to give her attention when the kids go to bed, but she is more interested in watching "house" or "grey's anatomy" than spending time with me. It is her priority.

Add on, that we have no common interests other than our kids...and even that is a struggle...meaning if i encourage our kids to do something I can do with them...she doesn't want to have anything to do with it...and she really doesn't do anything with them from an activity stand point. She is a really good caring mother...just not an active mother. Whereas, I may not be as nurturing, but I am very active. It is a nice balance for them...just not for us. So, with nothing in common (and I have tried to find things, numerous times...there is just nothing there)...where do we go?

I have tried to be the best provider I can. I know that a husband has to do more than provide...so I do most of the cooking and cleaning. I try to take care of kids, manage finances, do grocery shopping, plan activities, and try to plan romantic items for us...to varying degrees of success. I try to actively listen when I can, but when you figure I work all day, and then HAVE to do all of the other stuff...I am just exhausted and need a break.

I say HAVE because the fact is that she doesn't (mind you it was one of our agreements last time)...but "what if she doesn't like that stuff?" you ask. Good question. I have given her the encouragement, support, opportunity, and go ahead to do anything she wanted to do (minus being an exotic dancer) and she has passed it all up to be a stay at home mom 95% of the time. She occasionally will pick up a job, but never anything more than "part-time".

Now on to "letting loose". If I take her out...she won't dance with me because she says I suck and hates it (which makes me feel bad...even though it is true)...won't let me karaoke because I sing bad (true...but she doesn't have to say it)...so what else am I supposed to do?

Right now, there is a large part of me that just wants to say I quit and give up...but a part that wants to hang on. Is there anyone out there who has been this far into it and made it work? I have met several who have felt the same way and quit, but none that have made it. I don't know where to go or what to do.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day. It is greatly appreciated.

Simply put, you can find examples of both success and failure. Don't let any of them weigh heavily on your choice of action. In the end, you know where your heart is and what's best for you.

Have you thought about couples counseling?


Red flags dude. Big ones. Where did she "find" these "friends"?

As well, my experience with a change of appearance in my wife was parallel to a physical affair. I'm not saying it's a definite symptom, but I wouldn't discount it. She was slim and athletic before it, however she started to really care about her make-up and clothes. I have to say, that was my first mental alarm to the possibility of another man.

Stick with this site. There's more than enough content and the userbase can help you get through some spotty areas.

Take care of yourself.

An opposite sex "friend" of hers overnights at your house.

Um, exactly what else do you need to know?

I can't imagine anything you could say that would convince people she isn't sleeping with him.

Act accordingly. Some other man is stealing from you. What do you think you should do!!!