I'm a long time poster who's been away for a while. My divorce was final a year ago. Seven months ago I started dating my boyfriend and this month we became intimate, which is where the problem lies. The sex is unsatisfying and I have horrible guilt because I'm a Christian. The guilt has led me to call off the sex, but we wound up being intimate again, as much my fault as his. Just as bad, he isn't very well endowed, which I find unsatisfying, and he has trouble completing the act. The least little thing will throw him off and then he has to satisfy me in some other way. I appreciate his efforts, but I want intercourse as well as the other.

The whole thing sounds like a novel: Christian lady falls into sin and then finds the whole thing not worth it. Also, he's significantly older than I am (15 years), so how can his sexual abilities do anything except decline? I never considered myself to be voracious, but could I live without sex after I turn 55 or 60?

This all sounds hopeless, but he is really the sweetest, most sensitive man I know. We've both been betrayed in our former marriages, and he is so kind and patient with me, listening to me talk about my divorce and giving me encouragement to keep going. He's so thoughtful and seems to be madly in love with me, and I love him, too. He's an exciting kisser and rather good at those "other things," so I'm physically attracted to him even though I know he may not be able to do what I want. And then there's the guilt! I know that there are Christians all over the country who are having sex without a qualm, so why can't I be one of them? Whenever I try to pray, I just can't do it, sure that God has no use for me whatsoever now.

As you can see, I'm all torn up over this. Any advice would be appreciated.

well, i can relate to your issues.
first off, god does forgive but does that mean we should keep committing the sin? i do not have sex in a relationship until it is a committed monogomous exclusive relationship. in my opinion that type of relationship could at some point lead to marriage. but not always. and my last relationship, as much as i believed and was told by him (saying he was getting me a ring, etc) was going to lead to marriage, it did not. i even spoke to my pastor about having sex outside of marriage and what he said to me was that "i believed it would eventually lead to marriage, and have been married before so i am no virgin." but, not saying he agrees that i should be having sex outside of marriage, but just says that it does happen even with christians. bottom line is, i am sure
god intends for us to wait until marriage because of the fact that i gave myself to someone whom i did not end up marrying. and i get that. BUT, as i said, i am not casual about sex and i believe that is the ulitmate way for me to show someone how much i love them when in that committed monogamous relationship. i do believe you can pray about it, god it not looking at you like you are disgrace to him! remember, he is a loving god.

i can also relate to the "size" issue. i have been in a relationship with someone before who was "small" and it does make a difference. i still loved the man and still enjoyed sex with him but it was just different because i could not really "feel" him inside of me very well if you know what i mean. i think that is something you could work on together.

i would talk to this man.. (is he a christian as well?) and see where you two think you future is going. if you are not comfortable with having sex because of your beliefs than in my opinion he needs to respect that. you can have a relationship without having sex because any GOOD relationship is about much more than the physical apsect of it.

mlhb

Well, I am not going to dive into the "is this a sin" aspect of this, but I will comment on the other part.

OK, so you had sex a few times, and you are unsatisfied. Now, do you think that it is something that will change with time, or not? I mean, unless you believe those "add 4 inches in two weeks" ads, I doubt that he will get "bigger". So the question becomes, can you be happy with what god gave him?

If so, then I think that you may be fine, since he seems to be a caring, loving man. But if it is a dealbreaker, it is a dealbreaker. And, in my book, you must be honest with yourself about this, because after the infatuation wears off and the honeymoon is over, if you are not happy in the bedroom, you won't be happy. And that is not fair to him, because while there are many things one can change about themselves to please their spouse, "size" is not one of them.

So I would suggest that you really ask yourself the tough questions, and see what you come up with. I would keep the two issues (is this a sin and can I have a happy sex life with him) separate.

AGG

Regardless of any act of sin, you realize that sexual fulfillment is important to you. How important? It's important enough for you to seek others opinions.

Dr. Harley considers SF to be one of the top 10 basic emotional needs.

If you are sexually incompatible with your partner, better to find out now than later.

If you read on the Emotional Needs board, you will find many a poster that is having marital problems due to this specific need not being adequately met. Actually, you may want to consider posting this thread on the EN board.

Like AGG, I won't touch the "sin" aspect of this discussion but I will share my experience.

In college and for a year or so after I dated a man who was similarly endowed. He was a sweet guy and we were pretty much on the path toward marriage. I was not really honest with myself at the time but his lack of size was an issue. Just as you stated I couldn't really feel him. He was willing to please me in other ways but, like you, I like intercourse.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. However, think about the availability of toys that might help your situation before you send this sweet man packing. It can be fun to go to an adult store together where you can find things for you both to enjoy. As long as you're both open to experimentation and he's not too sensitive about his size you just may find a way to make this work. I'd actually be more concerned about the fact that he's 15 years older and losses his erection easily.

1. get him on viagra, cialis, levitra etc that will keep him fully erect for at least a couple of rounds

2. there are meds and/other things to increase his penis size.

both require you to communicate your issues to him.

of course part of it may also be you and your silly guilt over the sex thing. that you have to work on if you wish to find fulfillment.

achieving orgasm is 70% mental and 30% physical, so most of it you can directly control

in any case good luck

I believe that there aren't any "solutions" out there that actually do anything other than drain your wallet...

And no, before anyone asks, I am NOT speaking from experience, just from some cursory Googling on the subject... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

tibolt,
it is NOT silly that she is feeling guilty over having sex considering her belief system. the bible is pretty clear on sex before marriage so i understand where she is coming from.

mlhb

There is lots of money to be made in the 'gullible' industry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't even want to know what "other things" might be. Ouch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

no kidding.

There are no meds to increase size. There is however extremely pain surgery.

I once dated a man who was smaller than average, but boy did he make up for it

Well, considering you are on a Christian website, this answer should come as no surprise. What you are doing is completely against Christian principles, and I don't think you will ever find peace having sex outside of marriage. And if you marry him to try and ease the guilt, I doubt that will help either. You will still have the guilt of starting badly, and then later the resentment and frustration of what already is shaping up to be an unsatisfactory sex life.
My advice is do yourself and him a favor, break it off with this guy..wait a few months and start fresh and clean by meeting some new people, and dating with proper boundaries.

It's pretty simple to me, make a decision. Are you going to have premarital sex, or not.

If the answer is yes, then you need to embrace your natural and healthy sexuality for what it is, healthy and natural. Enjoy the great gift God has given you, because you only live once, so why not make some love while you are here for your extremely short stay on earth.


Now, if the answer is no, then don't have premarital sex, and take strong steps to enforce it. Do not put yourself in a position to violate this, such as drinking too much, or spending the night. Be smart.

*What the bible says is a matter of interpretation, interpretation from the hebrews, to the romans, to the visigoths, franks, italians, french, spanish, etc. and then finally us. You and the members of your faith may chose to interpret premarital sex as some sin, and that's ok, but that is all it is, interpretation.

Wow. I enjoyed some deliciously unpeaceful, guiltless and extremely fulfilling pre marital sex tonight, and will be at church Sunday thanking our lord for it.

In any case, best of luck to you in your endeavours.

I happen to agree with GG.

I've had similar experience,two different men, one of the two not fully intimate.
But, what I will say is this....I have no idea if it was related to size, but both of these men seemed to be very much in tuned.

As for the topic, I think what I would be more concerned with is this mans age and that if he struggles in the completion dept now, what would the future be like? Much more so that the whole size issue.

K

I didn't realize this website for strictly for Christians. I thought all faiths were welcome here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I didn't say this website was only for Christians. But according to its founders (I asked them some time back), it is indeed a Christian website. And since the OP asked the question as a Christian, and asked for honest feedback, it only makes sense to give her an honest answer from a Christian perspective. And btw, there is no Christian denomination which teaches that fornication is OK,(and the same applies in the Jewish faith) so the post about "different interpretations of the Bible" does not apply to the OP's question.

Wow. I enjoyed some deliciously unpeaceful, guiltless and extremely fulfilling pre marital sex tonight, and will be at church Sunday thanking our lord for it.

well, i am quite sure god does not find that statement amusing at all. it is not interpretation in the bible concerning premarital sex, it is stated pretty clearly what god feels about it. period. you can ice it over however you would like tibolt, but, knowing from your past posts that you certainly thrive on saying things that will get you attention, i am not going to bother going any further on this with you. this from a man who is now engaged to a woman he has only been dating since what, october? and who was not only dating and sleeping with him, but other men as well at the time.

anyway rose red, bottom line is this. if you are feeling convicted about having sex with this man it is for a reason, so stop doing it, if that is how you feel. bring it before god. god does give us free will as we all know. but he does give us guidelines to follow too and for a reason. i truly believe he doesn't want us giving ourselves to just anybody because if that relationship doesn't work out it can be very painful because you shared one of your most precious gifts with them, your body. you became one with someone you did not marry. sex for me is a definite bonding. trust me, when my recent relationship ended, one that i was very sure was leading down the aisle, it took me months to heal from it and part of that was because i gave all of myself to this man for over a year, all of me and all of my body. and it was for nothing. but that was a choice i made. had i not given my body the ending still would have hurt, but at least he would not have had that part of me. i don't believe i will be cast into ****** because of it, i know i am forgiven. but still. i believe i see why god doesn't want it to happen outside of marriage: it is for OUR own protection.

as far as the size issue and the other issues... i think i would gently talk to him about it. maybe he should see a dr. concerning the "not always being able to finish the act" part. the size you can't really change. but what is that saying? it is not the size that counts it is how they use it... i am sure together you could explore ways to make it enjoyable for both.

mlhb

If this man has many other Christian qualities and these qualities are what you want in a man then realise that God made us not for procreation only.

If you judge him by this, then consider the scenario where you have an accident and waist down you are paralysed and cannot have sexual intercourse like you used to... should he reject you?

"Not always finishing the act" can be improved. You can help too, by strengthening your pelvic muscles. There are lots of way to enjoy sex, find what is best for both of you.

Thanks, everyone. I'm sure this is what I need to hear regarding the sin issue. At first it didn't bother me, but as time went on I began to feel more and more consumed by the guilt. I don't want God to "harden my heart" to the point that I don't hear the Holy Spirit any more. This may seem "silly" to some, but it's real to me. Or maybe I should just say "It's real, period."

As for the size/staying power issue, I'm still thinking it over. The BF has been quick to say that he will visit a doctor regarding staying power. As for the size issue, that may have to be balanced against his other qualities, but I admit that I didn't know that SF was as important to me as it turned out to be. I guess because it was always good when I was married, I just took it for granted that it would always be that way.

I appreciate all the input.

Rose Red