I am new to this forum and I just need some advise or just someone to listen to me. My H had filed for divorce in sept. of last year. I left the home and went to my oldest D in another state. It took three days to drive. My youngest D still at home was with me. My H had filed for the divorce before I even reached my destination. He also had his profile posted on dating sites and was talking to other women telling them he was divorced. I found his profile and his emails. We talked and decided to work on our marriage. Two months later we are arguing again and he leaves this time. He was gone two days before he was posting his profile on dating sites. I do not understand because he says he still loves me and wants to work things out. He travels a lot with his job. Please help me figure out what to do please? It feels like a roller coaster that won't stop to let me off.

Tell yourself that you deserve better treatment than this. He obviously thinks he's better than you, or he wouldn't be just itching to sow his wild oats. If you want him back, start working on yourself. If you DON'T want him back, start working on yourself. It all starts with you.

You sound like you may have some problem with boundaries, wherein you don't expect or demand equal treatment. I'd start with that. Read up on boundaries, protecting your self and your mind, and start requesting respect from him for you and your D, who he, IMO, has abandoned.

You can work on the M if you want to. Read up on the principles here, Love Busting and Emotional Needs, lots of other stuff. Learn how a marriage is supposed to be, and if he decides the grass really wasn't greener over 'there' and comes back, tell him that you will expect him to follow the principles as well.

Make sure you talk to your D about how this has nothing to do with her; I guarantee you she will be thinking it, whether she admits it or not; it's just what kids do, and what they spend years as adults in therapy trying to get over. Be as honest with her as you can that's age appropriate, and let her know she can tell you anything she's feeling, even if she thinks they're 'bad' thoughts.

Thank you for giving me a place to start and you are right about starting with me. I have neglected myself for way to long. My D is mine from a previous M and her dad is deceased. She is 15 and he wanted to blame our problems on her.

Then by all means, consider not going back with him. I'm sorry, but kids come first in my book. And if she was getting any kind of vibe that this man who's supposed to care for her as he cares for her mother blames anything on her, you can bet top dollar that she blames herself ten times more than he does. Age 15 is so very vulnerable for a girl without a father; and it sounds like he wasn't being much of a father to her. Statistics prove that girls from 11-17 who don't have a loving supportive father (or a strong mother who supercedes this) are far more likely to have sex, get pregnant, get on drugs, and drop out of school. And consider that you putting up with his behavior teaches her that that is all she deserves as well, and she will pick an abusive husband.

I can only tell you what I'd do, but I would not subject her to him, no matter how nice he may be. Work on yourself, take care of her and help her to grow up liking herself and feeling safe and loved, and maybe in 3 or 4 years you'll be strong enough to date someone who will have your best interests at heart.

I'm not supposed to tell you that. This is MB, where we're supposed to protect marriage. But I don't like the vibes I'm getting, and I sense...that you might be better off without him.

Please do provide more details. Maybe I'm wrong and just don't have all the facts.

The last argument wound up involving her. She came out of her room to see what was going on between us and then the arguing became so much worse and I told him to leave which he did and two days later he is seeking other women to date. We met when she was 9. Her and I had been on our own for about 5 years. The values were pretty much instilled in her as being like my values. I always got feedback from him that I wasn't raising her I guess as he thought I should be. I never nor would I ever give him complete control over how she was going to be raised. This is just some of a lot that has happened over the 6 years we have been together. 4 years of M

This is so sad. I'm feeling for you, CV, and your daughter. Cat's right, girls do need a loving father in their lives. I was not allowed in my older D's lives when I left their mom, and they have had many problems ever since. Their mom plays a strong mom on TV, but is anything but in real life.

I love those girls so much, and it hurts to see them hurting.

If he is blaming your D, gotta agree with Cat - cut him loose.

There is just much more to my story. For the first 2 years it was his ex-wife calling him everyday well that did stop for a while but the first sign of trouble in our M he discussed it with his 2 grown children and then she calls and wants to know where do they meaning him and her start. He has always put me or at least the way I have felt in the back seat. His kids are grown and have lives of their own but he has told me his children come first I do understand because I have grown children but my M came first. Am I wrong in thinking that?

IMO, the only thing you're wrong about is thinking he will ever put you first. What you are explaining is not love, to me. Why do you not deserve more? You're worth more than being last on his list.

Find yourself a therapist and start working on your self-esteem, until you like yourself enough to demand the respect you deserve. And don't expect to get it from him; from what you've described, he is keeping you around for convenience.

I actually have my very first therapist appointment next week. I do want and need to feel that I am an important part of his life.......but I don't feel that at all. So many times when I just needed to talk while he was on a trip I would call but if someone else called in or he was at his next destination well that was the end of my talk time.

That is where boundaries come into play. He doesn't respect you, that's obvious. Many men are simply raised to believe they are the head of, and most important component of, their family. That everyone else's needs come second, because they're in command, and responsible for everyone; therefore, everyone should make sure he's taken care of and his needs come first. You may have married such a man.

Personally, I think he just married you because he suspected you were desperate to be married so you'd have someone to support you and your children, and that you'd accept any situation he wanted to have, and that he'd have free SF any time he wanted it.

Your subservient nature isn't helping any. In fact, he's depending on it. Did I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft? You really need to read it, so you can see your situation the way everyone else sees it. You'll be able to see the exact same things you have written here, in those pages. Over and over; all abused women say the same things.

Bottom line, by accepting his negligence and abuse, you are teaching your D15 that that is what she should expect. Do you want her to marry someone who treats her as poorly as this man treats you? She will - 95% guaranteed - unless you change now and start demanding equal respect, and/or move out. You can't be selfish and stay with him just to have a man; your daughter's emotional well-being is the most important issue here.

Learn to be strong - for her.