Hi all, I am a noob in need of advice. I've read these columns for a while now and they are really helpful, but now it is time for me to step in and find out more. A short background: H and I have been married for 2.5 years, both of us professionals in our 30s with no kids. H has always been close to this one woman, whom he has known since college (no dating or sleeping together--just friendship). I knew of her when we were dating, and the relationship seemed odd (too directive or controlling somehow on her part), but I dismissed it. They are both attorneys, and she has been instrumental in helping his career in our home state (pulling strings to get him jobs, etc.). Also H is godfather to her child. Last February, I found many texts on his phone, to and from her, such as "Ok to call?" and "Meet at the mall after work" and "xxxx (my name) wants to come along" (that one was referring to a night when I was suppsed to come along when he was picking up something at her house, but when she found out I was coming she cancelled, saying that she no longer had the documents he needed. Hmmm.) So, they had been seeing each other, but I had to snoop in his cellphone to find out (which by the way I felt terrible about). She is not a friend to the marriage, and therefore I am uncomfortable with the relationship, but he says they are just friends, and that he needs to keep the relationship going for professional reasons too (if he put an end to it, it could affect his career negatively). I think he suspected that I snooped, because ever since then his logs have been erased and he almost never answers his phone in front of me.
I guess my question is, do I have reason to be concerned, and if so, what else can I do to find out something concrete. None of this "feels" right to me, but for now it's just intuition. I need the truth.
Thank you for reading and for any advice you might have!

YES you have reason to be extremely concerned, in fact you'd be silly not to be. They are obviously keeping secrets from you, and there is no acceptable reason to do that. Consider moving this to "General Questions" where you will see a lot more activity. Hang on tight for advice from some of the old timers.

I agree, if he is hiding it from you, something is wrong. Plus, the fact that she cancelled when you were coming screams red flag.

Be aware, his career wasn't helped by her only. He can find another coattail to hang onto.

As to the no dating or sleeping, exactly how do you know? He tell you that? He lost some trustworthyness by keeping things from you.

Thank you so much for your reply and support. The fact he was keeping it from me (or conveniently just forgetting to tell me about it, or thinking that it didn't matter, so why should he inform me about every single thing he does during the day, etc.) really unnerved me. It's odd, though, how intuition is often so right. Why did I feel compelled to look at his texts? I'm not even sure I remember anymore. All I know is I am extremely uncomfortable with the relationship, but at the same time I don't want to be controlling and ask him to give something up if there really is nothing going on. As a compromise, I have suggested that perhaps he could at least modify his interaction with her to increase my comfort level--for example, no visits unless I know about it beforehand, or at least some inclusion of me in the friendship. But his response was basically, Well I can see why this would bother you, and I feel bad about that, but I am not going to give up a friendship simply because you are unhappy about it. His words were "it is a nonnegotiable." So this is why I need more solid information about what is going on, if anything. I wonder if you or any of the other readers have any experience with spying--I need to know what works, what doesn't, and what I may need to watch out for.
Thank you again for your help!

Thank you for your reply. When I told H that I was uncomfortable with the relationship, he was like "Don't worry honey, xxxx and I have never hooked up, and I don't want to. She is just a friend. You have nothing to worry about." He seemed sincere in his efforts to assuage my fears, but still, the secretive nature of things kind of throws a new light on everything he has said about her.
(p.s. When I found all of those texts last Spring, I went on kind of a bender of self-improvement: I starting going to a gym, lost a bit of weight, got in better shape, got a tattoo on my lower back--sort of a declaration of confidence. I though that if I made myself more sexy he would be more interested in me sexually, but there is not a lot of that going on between us at all. So...I"m kind of stuck at this point.)
Anyway, thank you again for your reply--i do appreciate it!

tattoo...lower back...nice!!!

OK, focus, SYF...

The ONLY thing that should be nonnegotiable is your needs. He is putting hers and his above yours, and telling you that you need to accept that.

Poppycock! (that's a funny word!)

I would just start checking up on him, but not confront him yet, no matter what you find. Keep checking his phone, show up when he says is working late, or at least drive by.

Him saying nothing happened, don't worry would make me worry, mainly because of his actions.

been there, done that, got the tshirt.

The response and attitude your H gave you is similar to my ex's. You need to snoop, very carefully. MBers are really good at snooping/spying info.

I also felt terrible about snooping. Imagine: He's spending hours composing long amusing letters to his "friend" and hiding them from me for YEARS. I must have had shmutz for brains; FINALLY I snooped. THEN I felt guilty and ashamed to tell him I had snooped

Your marriage is in trouble. Do not tell him about MarriageBuilders. Gather intel. Post here.

Even if they aren't physical, he is putting energy and emotion into their relationship at the expense of your marriage. NOT GOOD>

by the way, what kind of a tattoo?

Love the tattoo idea! Good for you!

You definitely need to find out what's going on without letting him know you know. My WH started out conversing with a friend and now he's living a secret second life. I made many mistakes along the way by confronting him with suspicions and little bits of data I found. I would have been better to look as deeply as I could and keep it all to myself until I had the story and timeline detail evidence where he couldn't deny or spin anything.

There's a spying 101 thread in the GQII board that will give you info on how to get details you need.

Don't trust his explanations - they always lie. Even if there's nothing physical, the potential is there. Allowing this to remain a secret is giving the relationship a chance to grow. Act now. It's your M and you have a right and responsibility to do what you can to preserve it.

Best of luck to you.

Editrix, I bumped the Spying 101 thread to the top for you, under General Questions. These guys have a wealth of knowlege!

LOL thanks SYF--the tattoo was kind of out of character for me, but it certainly was an adventure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It's in Latin, so it seems more literate somehow. lol
ANyway, I agree with what you said about the only person's needs that should be "nonnegotiable" are my own, but I think H disagrees. He told me once that there are times when he is inevitably going to do things that I don't agree with or that upset me, and he won't be guilt-tripped or emotionally blackmailed into changing the behavior. By way of example, he cited the fact that his dad went on a trip to see an ex-girlfriend, and his wife (H's stepmom) was naturally very upset about it. His dad said that she had to trust him, and that he wouldn't change his plans merely because she was upset about them. (His dad now splits his time between the ex-but-now-current girlfriend and his wife. Not sure how she deals with that...)
But I digress. I guess for me the whole crux of the issue is how much can I allow my right to feel secure impinge on his right to have friends? It seems unfair that one person should call the shots (I"m playing devil's advocate here). Although of course by calling it a nonnegotiable, it is he calling the shots in this and not me.
i will check the spying advice you pointed out. Thank you for that. I think laying low and playing my cards close to me chest is the best tactic for now. (BTW I hate thinking in terms of "tactics" when I think about my husband. This is not how it's supposed to be)

Hi B! The tattoo is in Latin: It reads Alis Volat Propris, which means "she flies with her own wings." I liked that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
My mission will be to gather intel in the most unobvious way possible, and certainly never dicuss my suspicions with H. Stealth mode is the order of the day...
p.s. A devil's advocate kind of question: do spouses not have the right to "put energy and emotion" into things outside of the marriage--for example, other friends, family, kids, jobs, etc.? Just curious to see what your reasoning would be and if it matches mine. Thanks again for your support!

Not how it is supposed to be at all. Maybe think of it as you fighting for your marriage. You can't show the other side your strategy, or they will know what is coming and change theirs.

He can't see the problem created by his dad's actions? Fog city, it seems.

Thanks, KLD--my plan is to do exactly that: gather intel, quietly and quickly without him knowing. Meanwhile, I"ll act as though nothing is wrong, and I'll certainly try to stop moping every time I think about this and what it could mean for my M.Although that's gonna be tough.

One spouse can put energy into things oputside the marriage, you don't want to get tired of each other! However, the priority should be the spouse.

Yea, he actually kind of defended his dad in that situation, although I think a part of him knew it was wrong or at least inappropriate. But because his stepmom is very controlling in all aspects of her relationship with H's dad (and I can attest to that), I think he felt that it was more justified somehow. Like, what you fear the most is what you will draw to you. Yikes. I guess I"m in trouble then. lol
p.s. His dad and mom split up when he was about 7--dad had an affair and then his mom did, too. Dad moved away and married another woman (the current stepmom), and didn't really have any interaction w/ H until more recently in his life. Mom has had several marriages, all of which have gone south after a few years. Sad.

Thanks--I do appreciate that!