Hello,

I have an interesting dilemma.

I'm divorced (this site helped me tonnes during that time). I have 2 children from my first marriage.

I had had a vasectomy.

I have remarried and one condition my new wife had was that we try for a baby for her, and if it didn't work, she was still wanting to spend her life with me. I agreed and got my vasectomy reversed. We have joint custody of my kids, so have them every other week. My new wife gave birth in August 2006. I'm very happy with all the kids and have no problems with having another child.

Now. My new wife wants to have another baby. She's been very happy at home, raising all the kids. We agree that one baby was implied when I agreed to try and have a baby, but she feels that since it went very well and that she is really, really enjoying it, she wants another.

I was done having kids once and then again. . .

So. How does one negotiate this? She fully understands my side of the equation, but can't change her feelings. I understand her side as well, but really just feel like I'm done.

She is 26 and I am 38, so that should also shed some light.

We are having great discussions on this, but I just feel like I'm trapped. If I give in, then I don't get what I want. If I don't, then I just make my wife miserable. . .which makes me miserable. I just feel like it's lose-lose for me.

Any advice?

Lost....
wow! that's a toughie! I too was divorced, with 3 kids from my previous marriage- I had my tubes tied when my youngest was a few monthes old- (yes-I am female) then I met a very wonderful man, a few years younger than me- who had NO kids- but did state early on that it was his desire to find someone with whom he could have a family of his own...

*(he had been married b4 and had step-kids)I told him upfront that I could not have any more kids--- and he decided that he still wanted to pursue the relationship.... KNOWING THAT THERE WOULD BE NO CHANCE OF US HAVING A BABY.... a little over a year later- we got engaged..

and yes- I had asked him SEVERAL times if he was 100% sure he wanted me (and my kids) even though WE couldn't ever have one of our own...His reply was always "Yes, definately"....

Then---on our wedding day-- while on the train back to town, and our honeymoon...He told me that he wanted a baby.... I reminded him of my tubal-ligation... his reply (although VERY tender & well meant) bothered the ****** out of me for several months before I had the nerve to bring it up to him......

He told me ""that it is not just giving birth that makes a family- it's the love....and when we were ready that we could always adopt a baby.."

I nearly cried! for both his heartfelt wording of his feelings and for the pain it caused me knowing that I WAS ALREADY DONE WITH BABIES---I WANT NO MORE. PERIOD.

(my youngest was 8 at the time, also have a 13 YO and a 17 yo- though DS-17 does not live with us).

I couldn't even reply to him.... so for monthes I cried myself to sleep some nights- feeling that he would soon regret marrying me and want to leave for someone who could give him his own child.....

After torturing myself to no end with all that- I finally boned up enough to talk to him about it. I reminded him of what he had said--and told him how terrible I felt, and how much I was afraid of losing him on account of it... He did try very hard to reassure me that he was ""over that, and happy with me"

..then I let him know in no uncertain terms that --although it would have been great for us to have had a child together--had circumstances been different-- that I was done- and wanted no more infants- wanted no more to have go thru pregnancy and childbirth....

I also told him that adoption was out of the question for me as well- i simply do not want to add to my family..... He took it pretty well, I think...

But then I really turned it to the points of pure logic-- something I knew he would definately grasp clearly. I explained all the time, effort, EXPENSE, and everything involved in having an infant... finding and paying for childcare- we both work FT, hauling around all the necessary equipment, and the fact that our ability to just take off on weekens alone, travel, go camping, boating, kayaking, ATV'ing-etc. would be greatly compromised with the addition of an infant.

My DD is almost 15 now, my DS is 9--and I have shared custody of him with my ex, so we have quite alot of freedom.... and I am looking forward to having time for OUR relationship-- without kids in tow... that I was looking to be able to spend quality time alone with my Husband for our later years....

I am 37 now and starting over with a baby-adds another 18+ years to our parenting days..... I would be 55 years old with my youngest graduating from HS-----

After some deep consideration- my H was able to truly see the whole picture... and did agree with me- that we have a family of our own-- my kids adore him and call him "Dad", and we have a great marriage...

We talked, we looked at the situation from different points of view- together- and we both came to the same conclusion.
We were done having kids.

I guess my point is--look at it from different angles, try to each others POV, look at the financial and full scope of an additional child... Then try to logically come to an understanding and make your decisions then. Together.

I have still asked my H on a few different occassions if he regretted things- or if he still thought/felt like he wanted to have another child..... His response is the same each time.."no- I have you and we have our kids..that's all I need" and I believe him.

Good luck..... and keep the O&H communication lines going- and try to be sensitive to each others feelings in the process....

I'm confused. You said this:
but then you said you don't want another one. Did this sentence mean you had no problems with the one baby you already have?

Anyway, I can see your concern, but I would suggest that you understand how incredibly powerful the need is for a woman to have a family. And as much as she might love your children, you just can't deny the honest truth - she wants to have babies of her own. That doesn't make her a bad woman - just a woman.

My husband only wanted one child. I wanted three. I gave in and had only one child. I love her more than life (she's 17), but I still have an ache in the pit of my heart every time I see a baby or someone with several kids. I will never get over it, and will never forgive myself for not stating my case.

If I had to suggest one solution, it would be to go to a professional marital counselor, a mediator if you will, someone who can guide your discussion about this so that you know you've made every best effort to reach the solution you can both live with.

I, too, agree that you really need to talk to your wife, alot! The pull for women to have babies is enormous, if they are inclined that way. I have two kids but wish I could have had more. Bad numbers for auto-immune stopped that in it's tracks. But, now I am faced with being in early 40's and I know my husband would LOVE to have more kids. I feel vulnerable, because I cannot do this and sometimes worry that this will become a "sticking point". We talk very openly about this and decided together to not risk a stroke as we do have two healthy children. I know you have a lovely blended family, but the other chidren are not hers, even though she may love them. How much would it change your life to have another? Can you afford it? Are you expected to help beyond what you want? I have friends who thought they were "finished". She was 45 and he was 55 and they had a surprise. Now, they can't imagine how they ever lived without him! Dont' just try to "get your way"...that's never healthy.