I have not posted in a while, partly cause I am still in the same situation. I am also afraid of the 2x4's I will get. WH and I have agreed to separate due to his cont. fogginess and contact with OW. He says that it's casual, yeah right, and that he is still very confused about his feelings re: OW and for me. My take is: why not eat cake? I have asked him several time to leave the house but he keeps finding reasons not to. I don't want to read too much into it, I know that the main reason why he doesn't want to leave is that he's too scare of what would become of him. He "says" a lot of things but his action is that of someone who is looking out after himself.

He says that he know that with him staying home causes me great distress and pain but his non action tells me that thou he may care about my feelings, it still isn't as important as his comfort.

As much as I don't want/afraid of what it would mean when he leaves. I think that if he doesn't leave soon, then what love I do have for him will be tainted. I told him last night that I have given you everything I have, but I feel like you are taking for granted my kindness and my love with out any effort on your part to rebuild this M. I will not take any more of your abuse because that is what you are doing. His responds is "those are your feelings and I can't argue with it".

I know that he is confused about a lot of things and a large part is his lack of romantic feelings for me. It's been since 7/2/07 DD and he has not changed his feelings about me.

I thought I had everything figured out, where I am, what I want but what's true one day is different on another day.

Short of packing his things for him, I don't know how to get him to leave without LB. There is a hope however unrealistic of us being able to work it out. I don't want something I said or did to haunt me at a later day. I think that he thinks since I have been so "understanding" since this whole nightmare started that I will bow down to whatever he decides and cont. to provide what he needs.

He needs to leave so that he can figure out what he wants in life. And to give me time to figure out what I want. He tells me that he knows that if he leaves that he can lose me forever, the OW will suck the life out of him, that he will be less of a person without me in it, and that the A was the biggest mistake of his life, that he may not even pursue a relationship with OW or if it is even a possiblity BUT he can't stop feeling what he does for her, even if it's just a illusion in his mind.

I need a little clarification and reassurance.

Thanks
Tami

All the babble of his equals this.....

He wants his cake and eat it too.

Don't know your story. Have you done a plan A?

If so, you need to knock him off the fence with a plan B before you lose your love for him.

I can't help you on the advice on how to get him out though. Hopefully someone will be along soon to help you with that. You'll need it for plan B.

tami4,

I was just on my way out of Marriage Builders when I came across your post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I don't think there is any reason for any 2x4's for you.....makes sence what you've written......

I have a few questions for you before I can answer.

-Are you getting professional help for yourself?
-Have you suggested getting professonal help for the both of you?
-Did you Plan A?
-Have you figured out your WS most important EN's??
-Do you still spend time together?? (fun time)
-Do you want to stay married?
-Does "he" want to stay married??

hugs
bb

Pack up his things. Put all the boxes near the door or in the garage near the garage door. Even if he does not leave, it will be hard for him to find stuff.

It would be a strong HINT.

He believes this because it is true. He has been trained to have his cake and eat it too. He has no reason to stop because he knows you have no boundaries.

Did you ask him to move out, Tami? I would start there and if he won't move out, then file a legal separation and get him moved out that way.

i had a very similar situation. my ex was out there doing whatever and whomever he wanted to do. we lived in separate rooms at night. i wanted a legal separation and to have him move out after attempting a plan a. he refused to leave. so, i went and looked at houses in a neighboring town. told him if he wasn't going to leave then the kids and i were and we weren't staying in the same town. he knew i meant business. he ran the numbers and realized he could NOT afford the house by himself and i could with child support. he didn't want to leave because he couldn't afford a place on his own, i told him to sell one of his 2 cars and his motorcycle. ****** no! mr. materialistic can't get rid of his stuff. he pleaded to stay here so he could see his kids every day. i told him he should have thought of that before screwing everything in town.

after realizing i was dead serious by telling him i went to a lawyer and had a sep agreement drawn up he finally did leave and moved in with some family friends (who, completely disgusted with his lifestyle and the fact that my dd would cry and cry when she went over there made him leave after only a few months. he ended up moving in with ow).

the hard part is.... both of our names were still on the house so legally i could NOT force him to go. i had to make him leave on his own. you have had some good suggestions so far. don't know what the deal is with your home.. whose name is it in?

mlhb

Thanks for responding everyone. This mess started 7/2/07 DD, WH had an EA/PA with a co worker who was also a family friend since Aug/Sept 2006. During that time WH pulled away from me and our kids. OW's family (she has 2 boys under the age of 12)started spending more time w/our family--under the guise of "she doesn't have friends she can depend on", I never really liked her, but really enjoyed her husband...very nice man.

Fast foward to July, OW's husband found out about A which forced my WH to confess. Been in Plan A since then, WH is resistant to everything I do. If I am loving he says I am pressuring him, if I am distant then I am punishing him. He accused me of putting him in a "box" and that he can't live under a microscope. I told he didn't have to, you know where the door is and this "box" your are in, you built that box by the choices you made. You want out of it then you need to find the way out. I asked him to leave 1st time in Nov..but he didn't. I did confront him and he said that he was scared that if he left then I will realize that I would be better off without him. I said what make you think I wouldn't feel that way know.

In the early part of Nov. he agreed to go to MC, found this great doctor near by...he went for 3 sessions then stopped. He said it was because of the holidays and money. I think it was because he would need to leave his fantasy world and face the ugly truth..and he wasn't willing/ready to go that. I am not in MC and yes, I do need to be.

I know what his EN are...SF, affection, conversation, admiration...I provide all of these except for SF...he doesn't want that from me..says he has no desire to be with me in that way. Harsh blow to my self esteem...I can deal with the A...we can work thru that if it was only an A...but he says he fell in love and then to add salt to the injury...he can't get it up for me. Oh but the sex was great with OW! Then in the next breath, he says that his life will be empty without me in it, I'm the glue that keeps his world from falling around him. Nice words...I admit I bought into them...but they are just words.

I would like to say married to my H, but I don't love or like this person he has become. He wants to stay married but he doesn't want to work at it. I think he is so afraid of what he has done,the damage he has caused, along with the guilt and even disguise he has for himself...that it is easier for him to stay in the fantasyland. He's a bigtime conflict avoider.

My MIL owns our home, it belong to her mother before she passed. We pay for everything..also in 2006 she applied for a home improvement loan in her name, which we pay. Well, I pay cause I make more them him. Oh that's another reason why he's not left is cause he can't afford his own place. The other option is to move in w/sister which he is dreading.

I know that I am part of the problem...I need to follow thru. I am not normally a weak person...no problem with conflicts...but when it comes to him...I'm spineless and I don't like that about myself. I'm letting my fears keep me from doing what is right for me. It's just so hard to give up...let go...and hope that it will work out. That's a lot of faith which I'm running low on.

Sorry for the long post...I'm feeling very sad and lost.
Tami

Does the OWH know that they have continued their affair? Have you exposed the affair?

ML,

Expose has been made to everyone. As far as the A continuing, depends on your definition of continuing. Do they have contact? Yes, they still work together. His employer doesn't seem that concern as this type on thing happens often and between managers and employees. Is the A like it was before discovery? No, at least not physically that I know of. There are still EA and true recovery will never be achieved.

I just don't know what is really going on or going thru his head and even if he told me, I wouldn't believe him. He says that other then "work talk" he's been keeping away from her. But everytime I see him at his work, she's always hanging around his general area.

As much as I have showed him what it could be like if he commited to our M, the bottom line is that you can't force WS to do anything they don't want to do. Even if you see that the choices they are making will destroy them and those who loves them, you can't make they do what is right. That is the hardest lesson for me is I can't protect him from himself. I'm having the hardest time of accepting this. Even if he and I don't make it, I don't want him to crash and burn. I don't want my children to not have a father around.

Lately I've found myself pulling away from him, not to hurt him, but to save myself. My goal is to have him out of the house by the weekend, even if that means he moves in with OW(it hurts my heart just to think that).

I have prayed that he will be shown the way back to where he was whole either that be with me or alone. She is bad news..I think deep down he knows this. But he feels what he feels...he doesn't want it to wrong b/c then that would mean he was acting on his own needs and wants without regards to anyone else. How selfish would that be?

Thanks for responding...
Tami

Tami, will he agree to move out this weekend?

Have you personally exposed the affair and given the truth to all parties? I am VERY SURPRISED that his employer would turn a blind eye to this kind of affair because it is a walking sexual harrassment lawsuit. Did you inform HR yourself?