He has finally admitted to me that he met her, in the airport before he was going off to Iraq. I am sure a man with a Colonel's rank, in uniform, with a wedding ring on his finger was very attractive to this 44 year old never married teacher. They began a internet emotional affair for the past 1.5 years while he was gone. I was in charge of the family, home, money, and all of the military families under his command. While sending me e-mails to take care of this soldiers family or pay that bill, he was sending e-mails to her so his love bank would be full. He says I have not loved him for our 14 year marriage and that is why he cheated on me. We have 2 children, ages 4 & 8. How can he be so mean and cruel? He had sex with her on his 2 week leave and after he came home - now I have to get tested for HIV because he had sex with us both. What did I do to deserve this? I read "How to Survive an Affair" but it doesn't even matter because he is running off with her. We are divorcing, but he will not leave the house. He comes into my bedroom every night to fight. It is almost like a power trip for him. He was so used to ordering everyone around. He is abusing me. There is no legal actions I can take. Please help me. I want peace.

First, realize that the things he says about the marriage prior to the A are not true. They are things all WS (Wayward spouses) say to justify infidelity. It is called rewriting the marital history, its pretty much universal to all affairs.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to save your marraige? Do you want him out? Have either of you filed for divorce?

Sorry you find yourself here, but you've found the right place. As bleak as things seem, there is a good chance you can recover your marriage should you choose to do so. There are also things you can do to remove yourself from the pain of your WH abusive actions.

Take a deep breath, start reading the articles about Plan A and Plan B, and give us a little more information about your situation so we can help. I'm sure the Goddesses will be here soon to get you on track with a plan!

Go up his chain of command.

Adultery is not tolerated in the military.

Sally,

Ditto what Lexxxy said. I am assuming that you, as the wife of a Commander, completely understand what the military chain is. Use it. You need to expose this affair to his superiors, and to the school system where OW teaches.

Yes, he will be tremendously angry when you do this, but do not give him an advance warning. Right now, he is pretending that there is nothing wrong with his actions, but he knows better. Once this has been exposed, there is a far better chance that he may start to see the ugliness of an affair as opposed to the fantasy he sees now.

You have a very powerful resource being a military officers wife. Use it.

Who

I have filed for divorce. To protect myself and the children financially. I found a credit card application with my name on it. I told him he can not take out a credit card in our names anymore since I filed.

I can go up the chain of command and tell him what happened. But what will that get me? It will not stop the affair. As the "Surviving An Affair" book clearly states - the affair has to run itself out and die a natural death. Any attempts I make will not allow for that to happen. He needs to run to her, find out that the fantasy is not real. By going over his head, all I do is look vindictive and lose the military pension that I and the children deserve. It will put a mark on his career and only get him mad. He just came back from Iraq. He could take it out on me.

so where are you and the children going to live after the divorce...

what's the plan here...

what exactly does are the nightly fights about

is he has he been physcially aggressive with you

your plan is horrible...

you need a new and improved one....

lets try to work on one...

your condoning may feed right in to his junkie thought processes...

very dangerous territory

ark

yes, the A must end, but you can do things to accelerate that end. Exposure is a powerful tool, you should study it and listen to the advice of those that have gone before you. There are many people in the military here, they have used exposure and worked the chain of command to thier advantage.

Are you being physically abused?

Sally,

Exposing the affair can help to end it. While filing for divorce does help protect you financially, it won't help save your marriage.

So what do you want? Do you want to fight to save your marriage, or do you want a divorce? Your marriage, like many here can be saved and can be better than it was before the affair. But it takes a really big effort on your part in the early days. That is what a plan A is all about.

I agree with ark that you don't seem to have a plan right now and you really do need one. If not to save your marriage, then to give yourself the tools to make a better life for yourself in the end.

As you have described your WH as a COL, I know that you can afford counseling with Jennifer or Steve. I can't recommend it enough. They can help you come up with a plan that could save your marriage. That is, if that is what you want.

Who

Sally...

I know I've talked to you about this before...

Fileing for divorce... or getting a leagal separation is to protect you and your kids...

Ask for...

You to retain the residence for you and the kids...

Kids must not have any contact with other woman...

35% of his gross pay.

for him to pay all of your Lawyer fees and all of the court fees.

for him to pay all of the Health insurance...and any premiums and co-pay

temporary spousal support.

Half of his retirement

half of his Thrift Savings Plan

Half of all marital assets.

Full ownership of your home...

alimony..

ETC ETC ETC...

Give your husband a taste of what divorced life will be like for him and this might give him a wake-up call...

After the Temporary Order is in effect... do nothing....

stall...

this will give you time to work on a plan and the affair time to die... and If it takes 2 or 3 years to finalize the divorce the OW probably wont last that long... She'll get tired of waiting...and you can stop the divorce when you want...


Do you think there might... possibly...be... a reason for this?...Like... she's a psyco?... or a control freak???

WH is going to find out why once he gets to spend more time with her... I'll bet he comes running back licking his wounds...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

One other thing...


Go to the Leagal office on base and talk to them about getting a

MILITARY RESTRAINING ORDER.

Tell tell them exactly what is in that quote...tell them you've filed for divorce but he won't leave you alone and that you're afraid for your safety and the childrens safety...If he's made any verbal threats to your safety tell them that...If they give you and crap about giving you a restraining order... Just tell them fine... I hope you have a good time explaing to the General why his CO's spouse in on TV telling the world that we would not help her when she needed it...

I'll bet you get the restraining order...

This does several things....Lets his chain of command know that all is not well on the home front... If he has anger issues he'll be ordered to go to anger managment classes... It documents any physical or mental abuse that he has done and possibly gets him out of the house...

And if there's any physical abuse... report it... he'll get a wake up call from the Chain of command real quick....

STOP WORRING ABOUT HIS CAREER... If his career gets screwed up because of his choices thats on him... Letting his chain of command know about his DIS-HONERABLE actions is the right thing to do... By not telling his chain of command YOU ARE ENABLING HIM to do the very thing you don't want him to do....

Just my opinion...

I don't understand....you can't end the affair-that is what your book says. He is so active in it, it has taken over his body. Because he has been emotionally attached via e-mail to this person for over a year - I am the person looking in. He has made up his mind to get a place on his own and try to figure things out. The book says that affairs have to run their course. She is a single, 44, never married woman. I think she is just as crazy as he is. She went after him knowing he was married. She has no morals. He is so foggy right now, he can't think straight. Everytime I try to show him my love or what he is doing - he wont listen. I have no choice but to let him go and figure it out. I cant trust him anymore. Without trust, there is nothing.

We went to church last night as a couple to prepare for our sons 1st Holy Communion. We fought about child custody the entire ride there to church - it made me ill. He never had religion growing up - I think that is one thing he misses and can't understand right now. My husband sat there and cried during the mass. He is so messed up. I sent him a request from a nun that wants to talk with him to try to help him. I pray he calls her.

He is not being physically abusive. He knows better and is trained to be calm with all of his military training. He abuse is more mental, or at least it is his mental issues that affect me. I still think he is not right after returning from Iraq, but he is covering it up well so not to tarnish his reputation. I try to take myself out of the situation as to not get to where he is - foggy.

I decided to go to the big awards ceremony for the soldier's return. When I told the wives I was going, they were so happy and told me that again I conduct myself well. I have told a couple of them about the affair. I told them not to tell anyone. I am not ready to go to his commander yet. I will let him know that some know.

I am trying to buy him out of the house so the children and I can live in it. It will be expensive - the state I live in doesn't help a woman who's husband is having an affair and can afford to love on her own. I can't believe the law doesn't protect the betrayed spouse, and the rationale is because this type of thing is so common the courts look the other way. What type of society have we become?

sally, as we have told you before, exposure is your most potent weapon. While there are no guarantees, we have had affairs end the day they were exposed. [my H's ended when I confronted the OW] Dr. Harley recommends exposing the affair [his post to another lady]:


Don't enable your husband and his lover to keep their secret. If you do, you are just enabling the affair at your own expense. Exposure may not end your H's affair, but it will certainly hasten its death because affairs thrive on secrecy.

Sally, you can and should help hasten the death of your H's affair.

I don't understand....you can't end the affair-that is what your book says.

that is correct YOU can't...
he must...

BUT
that does not mean for one second you roll over and go belly up and say...

here here dear...have a good ole time at your affair...

yep there is a course to an affair.....
there is pre affair interactions
full blown secret fantasy affair..
then there is DISCOVERY DAY...and that's where YOU step in..
not out....
during post discovery day..you like water dripping on a stone.....gentley guide the course in your control..

you speak clearly of the pain and destruction..

you tell others of their great and wonderful love...for supprot and other voices of reason...

you speak the reality of the effects on the children and your protection..

so much to do..
so so much

who cares what HIS response is to loving actions....
that's his problem NOT yours...

do HIS parents siblings know...

Is this a permanent station for him..or will he have to move...

what are the fights about..
what was the custody fight about...

the death of an affair...is NOT without great input from people that truly love the WS...unlike the OP's love..which is tainted with evil

ARK

huh? So you want them to keep his dirty secret too? Why did you tell them, Sally? I don't understand the point here.

1. How do you know she is single?

2. how do you know she is never married

3. how do you know she knows he is married?

Did you verify this information INDEPENDENTLY and have you heard it from her own lips that she knows he is married?

Sally,

I'm not sure I understand your situation completely. You say that you have filed for divorce. I am assuming that you have obtained legal counsel to accomplish this.

In every state that I know of, a property settlement, support and child custody agreement is either a precursor or a part of a divorce agreement.

What forms of support and property did your attorney include in the agreement?

I know for a fact that the military will require your WH to provide you with support, at a minimum in the amount of his BAH.

I am sorry you are here, but it is now time for you to toughen up and start protecting yourself and your children.

Expose the affair. No YOU can't make him end the affair. But there are things like exposure that will help him see the need to end it. Exposure will make him vulnerable to pressure of others. He will no longer be able to live in the fantasy land where he carries on his affair in secret and acts like a honorable Army officer in public.

What have you learned about the OW other than her age, marital status and profession? How do you know these things that you know? Have you considered exposing the affair to her employer, her parents, anyone who might help put pressure on her to end the affair?

There are so many things that you could be doing, and from what I can see, you haven't done any of them.

That is fine if you want your marriage to end, but even then, you need to act to protect yourself and your children from poverty.

Please get busy.

Who

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Sally,

Think about it... did I steer you wrong with Military One Source?....No...

You've been given great advice by alot of people here...

I think you're afraid to do what you know needs to be done... You're the only one in your situation... you have to make the choices about what is "the right thing to do" in your situation.

NOW NOW NOW! Is the time be STRONG and conquer your fear...

Don't be afraid to ACT...If you do nothing... guess what happens.... that's right .... nothing... And it probably gets worse...you'll get steam rolled by your wayward husband wating for SOMETHING to change... You have to make the changes... changes for the benifit of yourself and your kids...not changes in him... Think of it this way... Right now YOU are the only sane one in your marriage and YOU have to be the one who steps up to the plate and makes SANE choices durring this time of chaos...

That's called COURAGE... (The mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty) GOT ANY? I think you do... You just have to dig down and get it... Right now!

You're right... you can't end the affair... He has to...

Read the Carrot and the Stick of plan A by Pepperband... the whole post...

Here it is...


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=


BE STRONG...BE COURAGEOUS

One more thing...

Stay on this post... don't start a new one...

And for the benifit of others... cut and paste your story from the previous post in this one... that way the board members won't have to go from post to post trying to figure out what's going on...

Stay strong Sally...

You can do it...