Ok this is not easy to write but I need some honest advise. I cheated had an afaire. divorsed a wonderful man moved in with the man I had an affair with bought a house. found out he is not all that wonderful. I want out. He is very possive and clinging. I cant get a minute alone. I miss my husband very much. My husband doses not know about the affair or the other man. I want to try to repair the relationship with my husband I still love him very much. we talk on the phone. I am afraid to leave. I am very sad and depressed.

Step No. 1: Leave your affair partner. If you can't do that, then nothing else will matter or change.

Step No. 2: Be honest with your ex on both counts. First, that you had an affair and that's why you left him. Second, that you still love him very much and want to repair the relationship.

Step No. 3: Try to meet your ex's ENs in the hopes that he will fall in love with you again. Be prepared for the possibility that he will be too hurt and angry to allow you to meet his ENs.

The path is narrow and difficult. There is no way to make it easy and painless. At least start with Step 1. You said you want out, so get out. Don't make excuses.

I'm relatively new here, so veterans may have a different opinion.

You are so right. It is so hard to get the words out that I want to leave. I am just so unhappy. I am afraid things will turn ugly. I'll levae with much less and I came into the relationship with. I have no Family that lives close by to help. I am on my own.

I knew what I need to do. I guess hearing someone else tell me.

I'm curious - why did you leave your husband in the first place, and what has made you change your mind? And more importantly, what are you really after - to be away from the affair partner who ended up being not all roses, or back with your husband?

What is your real motivation?

AGG

Quite honestly I am in no position to be giving advice as I came here looking for it.

I've been a stay at home mother for 10 years now. I'm leaving my husband. I will have to get a job, support myself and I have a new very harsh reality to face.

But I'm a woman. This is 2008. And I'm able bodied and willing to work. I finally have the means and motivation to leave.

Seems to me that you got yourself stuck in a bad situation. I too had an affair last year. But I was wise enough to know that an affair is not stable grounds for building a real and solid relationship. I got out of the affair and tried to repair my marriage to no avail. And if I had chosen to leave at that time and pursue a relationship with the man I was having an affair with, I would have gotten my own place and learned to stand on my own 2 feet before moving in with him. I would have given myself and my husband time to heal. Jumping from one relationship to another cannot be healthy.

I don't think you really want to get back together with your husband. I think you have found yourself in another bad situation and are romanticizing the marriage you used to have. You need another out now. And I can't quite fathom how you think getting back with your ex is the right thing to do.

Seems to me you need to leave the man you are living with now. Learn to take care of yourself. Allow yourself some time for healing and figure all your "stuff" out. Take some time off from relationships in general and work on yourself. That would be my advice. But like the other poster said - your motivation seems sketchy at best. Stop looking at these men as your way out. Look to yourself.

But hey, my life is not so grand either so take my opinion for what it's worth.

Very good advice. You are codependent, meaning you get your meaning out of life through being connected to another person. You feel you have to have a man, or you are worthless.

Bottom line, work on yourself. Do NOT go back to your ex in this condition. Go to www.UnitedWay.org, find the local chapter, call them and ask them for help; they have offices all over the country and can help you. If possible, move close to your family. If not, get a small apartment and a job. Start saving money, work your way up in life. Learn to be ok on your own. United Way can also help find you a counselor to go to, to work on all this.

Once you are a whole person, have faith in yourself, like yourself, maybe then consider contacting him. Before then, you'll just look like a mess to him and very unappealing. And if you get back together without doing the above work on yourself, you're just setting yourself up for more of the same.

Call United Way.

I left for many reasons. I wish we would have gone to counseling. so does my husband. Our marrage could have been save and made better. My husband at the time could not hold a job for more than a year he did not have his degree. it seems that in the two years that we hae been divorces he has become the man I always wanted him to become and he has agreed. I do agree I dont want to jump from one relationship to another. I want to get out the the affaire relationship and get a place of my own and work on my own issues. try counseling with my husband to see if we could repair our relationship. I know he still loves me but could he forgive me after all I have done and love me still.

To be honest I dont know how to break away from such a controlling guy. If I could get away from Mr affair I would be ok. I am just not sure how to.

United Way can help you find a way out.

I have never been called co-dependent before.

can united way really help me...

Are you married to him? How is he "holding you back"?

AGG

No I am not married to mr Affair. Hard to put into words no Me time he is always by my side we go to work together we go home home together( comute) we go every where together, homedepot, grocey shoping, we have a joint checking account which I pay all the bills out of. so I havent saved much money yet. I have a place I would like to move to . I just dont have the money yet.

and telling him is going to be terrible. He asked If I love him all the time. it is just over whemling at times.

Well, the reality is not that he is holding you back, but that you are holding yourself back. You are a grownup, and unless you are being physically restrained (which you are not), then you have a choice. It may not be pleasant or easy, but you are creating your own situation, and you have the power to change it. You are letting your fears control you - but it's not fair to blame it on Mr. Affair.

When you realize that you can control your life is when you will be able move on with your life.

AGG

I remember the fear I had when my husband left us. How in the world was I going to support my kids, myself, and all the bills. But you know what? I did it. 2 1/2 years later and I am in a MUCH better place than I ever thought possible. 2 1/2 years ago you could have told me I'd have the job I have, the car I have and live where we live and I would have told you flat out that you were full of crap! But I lived day by day and I made it on MY OWN!! The most important thing for you, is to leave and if you have to leave all your "stuff" behind...so be it. Stuff can be replaced. Stay with a friend until you can find an apartment of your own. Move to wherever your family is. Take a day off of work (sick) and leave while he's at work. There is a way if you want it bad enough. Stop making excuses and do it if that's really what you want to do. One day you'll look back and realize what a strong woman you really are.

Good Luck!
Ronda

Your ex husband is who you wanted him to be. That's wonderful. Now, become the woman you want/need to be. Then see if reconciliation is the right choice. Not before.

Sorry
Im not understanding this. If this woman says her HUSBAND,the man she MARRIED and CHEATED on, was a wonderful man....why are people telling her otherwise? She made a HUGE mistake and now regrets it. Where is the evidence that she is ROMANTICIZING her memory of him? Sorry I just don't follow that at all.
How is GETTING BACK WITH THIS WONDERFUL MAN, by HER own admittance, a BAD idea?? She made a mistake, she realizes it. She would like to start again, if her ex is willing, and THIS is NOT a good idea? Whaaaa?????? How the heck is she LESS STRONG because she wants to be with someone she thinks is wonderful? Less strong?????? No way.

The reason we are suggesting that she leave this man, but not go right back to the H, even if he wants her, is that she exhibits a lot of screwed up tendencies, and will only drag back all those problems to her H, if she doesn't stop first, and do some work on herself. She needs to understand why she felt the need to throw something away, or else she will only do it again. It is not fair to her H to subject him to her lack of self control and whatever other issues she has, because once the bloom has faded once again from her H and she's stuck in everyday life with him once again, if she hasn't fixed herself, she'll just start getting wanderlust, and do it to him again!

I say let the BH decide.

Go to him...tell him the ENTIRE truth and tell him you will do whatever it takes to rebuild a wonderful marriage with him again...if he'll have you.

If he wants you to leave OM and make it on your own for a bit...so be it.

If he wants you to leave OM and move in with him...so be it.

If he never wants to speak to you again...so be it.

The decision over what to do can only be considered and made AFTER complete honesty.

The BH is her God given husband, he will, more likely than not, take her back and TOGETHER...they can sow the seeds of a wonderful, intimate, beautiful affair proof marriage.

Marriage IS co-dependency. You can't restore your marriage by being separated forever while one "finds themselves".

You want to "find yourself"...GO HOME TO YOUR HUSBAND.

It's where you (and he) belong....if he'll have you.

Radical honesty...it ALL begins there.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Damn Catwoman

Stop making so much sense some times.

Still, many of these answers REEKED of all that is wrong in todays society, ME, ME , ME, ME.