I posted this in the prayer section already. I have spent the whole day night all the time in fervent prayer.


Friday before Christmas I discovered he'd had a cell phone texting affair with his boss. (avaerage of 800+ per persona month!) this is a small small town, just about everybody knows now and there are no other opportunities unless we uproot the whole clan. he says we can't leave b/c we just relocated our elderly parent here.

At first I thought we would be ok, we talked a lot. Then, he just sort of withdrew - literally and in so many ways, over the last couple of weeks. I thought he was grieving the loss of this "intense friendship" yet is still seeing her everyday at work and that makes it hard. He says that she is keeping herself scarce.

Now, yesterday, he says he never wanted to marry me, he feels my friends and I railroaded him into getting married, even though he asked me, called the preacher and set the date. We'll be married 4 years tomorrow.

he's sorry he didn't stand up for himself then, and he's not sure he wants to be married now. One moment he is happy and affectionate and the next mean and grumpy and unclear on what to do. He wont go to counseling, or read much although I have two of dr H's books and have printed volumes of other things. He says he is numb, he can't feel anything, can't think, doesn't know what he wants...and where does this leave me? We have a ten year history of being really tight friends, then married - what happened? Where did it go wrong? He cannot pinpoint when he lost his feelings for me.

The last few years have been stressful for me, my mom died on the other side of the country, then dad got sick and I stayed with him two months. Then I came home and was sick, turns out it was my gallbladder, but I was still sick after. Later diagnosed with fibromyalgia, then right before christmas (and DD) that I have rheumatoid arthritis. I am applying for disability because I am literally unable to work, and that is when he really started getting weird on me.

My 16 year old is refusing to go to school, hasn't been for three weeks. My job is stressful and bad, I hate that my job is high profile, when I am out, which is more and more frequently as the stress piles up, I get into more and more grief from my boss who denies that we are overstaffed or that I am sick.

Now my dad, 91, is in a nursing home having cardiac problems.

what do I do first? I've been on my knees, please help pray with me! How do I win him back when all I can do is cry and cry and cry?

I know ultimately in the end, I will be ok, its just this LIMBO that I cannot abide.

Thank you in advance, I have more to write but its cold here and my fingers are getting stuck. need to warm up.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Good that you have found this place. The starting point is Plan A - be sure to study it and DO it.

Also have you exposed the affair? That is critical.

The third point is they cannot work together, or you won't recover. It is nearly impossible. So move if you have to if you want to recover the marriage.

On the disability - if you get turned down the first time, then keep trying. If you are successful, you get retroactive money.

Another thing my ex did (his attorney advised it) - was he applied as a single person with no kids. Then when he was accepted, he added the 2 kids. Odd, but that is what the attorney said to do.

OK- just breathe.

When you look at all of these problems at once, thay are overwhelming. Break them down into smaller pieces and they will be more manageable.

First - Your H and his A. What he is doing, saying to you is so typical it is predictable. He is re-writing maritial history. It is necessary because how else could he justify his A? I mean, if things werent SO BAD - and he had an A - what would that say about HIM? Do you see what I mean? It is typical.

His actions sound like he is still involved w the OW and I highly doubt that it was a "texting EA".

You need to ask yourself, do you want your M to continue? If you do - then be prepared to fight for it. Following a plan can save your M and the plan may seem counter intuitive but it will WORK. I promise you, it will work.

The Plan:

1. expose the affair. So what if everyone knows. Good. The more people that know the better. Why? because exposure is ruinous to affairs. They cannot thrive in the light of day, once the fantasy bubble is burst. If it is a workplace A, expose to HR. The OW is your H's boss? Im guessing HR will be forced to take swift action most likely resulting in termination of the OW ( and possibly your H) which is good. They cannot continue to work together. When you do expose, expose to the HR dept, the OW's H, family and friends Do not threaten or let your H know what you are doing in any way. This gives them time to formulate a plan and put a spin on it, making YOU look like the "crazy" one.

2. NC - your H needs to send a NC letter to ow. no contact MUST be maintainned. Your H will never, ever emerge from the fog he is in it he continues to see OW daily. Its just not possible

3. Call the Harleys. Get at least 1 appt and have them draw up a plan for recovery for you. It is the best $$ you will ever spend.

4. Get your 16 yr old into therapy. Find out what is going on that makes him(?) not want to attend school. If it is A related, he will need someone to counsel him more than ever.

5. take care of YOU. Mediation and Reiki are excellent in controlling both RA and Fibro. I am a Reiki practioner and know lots of folks who have had good results. Stress will exacerbate both conditions so meditation is particularly important .

You CAN do this, if you want to. What your H is saying is right out of the wayward script. All is not lost, if you dont want it to be.

Hang in there

Thank you for all the support and words of advice. We live in a small town, and everyone knows this woman and her antics. She has boyfriends and lovers all over the place, and half her family works there as well. Her H chooses not to notice.

Two hellish days ago, my H said that it had nothing to do with her, but that while he still had love for me, he did not want to be married to me anymore. He says he is just numb and does not know what he wants.

I have chosen to stand fast, and try to dodge the pendulum when it swings. Yesterday was our anniversay. He was upset that I got him something, but I get things months in advance, so what was I to do, plus, I get a lot of joy from giving to other people. I don't care if I get something in return.

He offered to take me to dinner but I said no, so he offered to snggle on the couch, so we did. His body language was a little better than it has been, but his eyes are so empty and --- scared looking.

Wow, there was so much dialogue but not a whole lot of speaking. I did tell him that he is worth loving and being happy and that he had many fine qualities, that he should forgive himself.

I asked him to try and keep all the good things in the front of his mind, and to turn away from the negative thoughts. Today, seemed better. He is still in limbo, and on the swing. Moving is something we could do, but it would have to be far, there is literally no work around here. I also do not know how that would affect my disability process.

He said he felt sorry for me, which made me mad, he said he didn't feel like I deserved the pain, and I knew he was talking about the physical pain, but he said he was sorry for my emotional pain as well. This raw, black gaping infected wound? emotional pain? well, I guess that is as good as it gets.

My H family is the kind that ignores the elephant in the room, they make adjustments for its presence, and everybody put on a happy face, lets make brownies! and they just do not Relate. My family likes to talk it out, get it done, make a solution, work the plan, if the elephant wont leave, we'll cut it into pieces and carry it out, then have brownies.

I knwo I will be ok either way, I'd rather suceed for the sake of my kids, who have not known any marriage to last, except my parents, and it was mighty disfunctional. He said that would be a good goal and he'd work on it.

SO for now, I am in standby mode. Im praying fervently, every moment. God has already answered prayers - I keep a prayer diary and just when I think things are never going to change, I look at that and go WOW He did work some magic overnight!

I have so much more to add to this, but I have so little time and energy to even think about it much less try to relay it legibly.

I thank you all for my prayers and I will pray for you too. My instincts tell me this will last awhile, this phase, and that utlimately, it is over. But I'm hoping I'm being wrong. He's just so hard to read, and when pushed, he runs for cover. He left his other wife for a couple of months, went into hiding, just, can't stand conflict.

bfn

HERE IS A NOTE I RECEIEVED FROM A DEAR FAMILY FRIEND WHO IS IN THE KNOW:::

Well it is thursday morning, and I just now got this
e-amil. I was going to call you to see how you were
doing, but I thought that Rick might be home by now,
and so I decided not to call in case you two were in a
good talk. How did you find out that she went up
there? Kay - I know that this is all wearing on you
very badly. I know that you are a mess from it. But I
know that you must REALLY love him. You have hung in
there longer than I ever would have. You are a better
wife and stronger person than me. It really worries me
though - you trying to hang in there. I don't know how
much more of this you can take. I truly mean that. You
are going through unbearable emotional stress right
now. And that becomes unbearable physically too. I
worry about you!! So because of that, I want to tell
you to give up. You have hung in there. You have had
great hopes that you two could work this out and stay
together. And you have stayed there in hopes that he
would come to feel the same. You have treated him
exceptionally good through all of this. He KNOWS that
you still love him. He knows that you didn't do
anything to deserve this. But yet he seems to still be
undecided on how he feels. He keeps you hanging in
limbo. He seems to want you to just stay there and be
understanding that there is another girl that he has
feelings for right now. It is like he just wants you
to stay here - be happy - don't be grumpy - don't sit
and cry all the time - don't be so emotional over it -
don't expect any answers from him right now - be fun
for him to be around - while he decides whether he
wants to be married to you still or keep seeing her.
That can not be expected of someone. That is just too
hard. You don't deserve to be put through this!! It is
hard to take when you love someone SOOO MUCH and you
want them to love you that much too, but they keep
doing things and saying things that show you
otherwise. I don't know where his head is at right
now. I don't know how he really feels about Wanda, or
about you and his marriage. I don't know which one is
more important to him right now. But I know that you
can not take much more. And if he can not decide - if
he could let you walk away and be okay with that - if
he doesn't love you enough to give up Wanda - if he is
okay with the fact that HE would not be the love of
your life anymore - then you would be better off
without him anyway. You would be happier, not having
to wonder each and every day, if your husband is
thinking of you today or someone else. But yet - I
know that is not what you want to hear. I know that is
not what you want to do. I know that you love him
alot. And through it all - I still think that he wants
his marriage to work too. I think he is NOT numb to
how he feels. In between all of the negative things
that he says and does - there are good things said
that shows he is not ready to walk away from his
marriage. He said that he wants to make it work. He
has no reason not to walk away right now - saying you
are right, you caught me, I don't love you anymore,
and I am leaving. BUT HE DIDN"T. He has no reason to
say that he wants to make it work, if he doesn't. But
he needs to figure out that he cant have both his
marriage and your love - and her too. For your sake,
he has to decide what he wants to committ to. I don't
know Kay - sometimes I think, if he can't show you
love and commitment, and that he feels like he was
wrong to have feelings for someone else - and he is
going to keep putting you through this - your better
off to give him up. But if he could tell you and show
you that he definitely does not want to lose you -
then I would agree that you need to hang in there. It
will take work to restore the trust and relationship,
but it can work - if it is what BOTH of you want. If
you BOTH want it to work - then he HAS to be honest
with you about what is going on with Wanda - and you
HAVE to believe him. If he says that it is over with
for the two of them, but is not being honest - then it
will never work. Or if he says that it is over with
the two of them (and is being honest) and yet you do
not believe him, then it will never work. You HAVE to
restore honesty and trust!! And that will be very hard
to do!! But if you both have your heart in it and it
is important to the both of you - YOU CAN DO IT. It
will take time. I SO MUCH want it to work out for you
guys. But I don't want you to have to keep going
through the limbo stage of not knowing how important
you are to him!! And I have no idea how he is feeling
or thinking. He either needs to make up his mind, and
let it be known - or let you go! And after some
thought - I don't think that it will get this
situation anywhere, by you and Wanda talking. It is
Rick that needs to be willing to start having a heart
to heart talk. He needs to quit avoiding it. You have
been patient beyond expectation. He would not have
been that patient if it had been you that had feelings
for someone. And I think that I do believe him about
this trip. I believe that you had nothing to worry
about. I believe that nothing was going on. But he
should have been honest that she was there. And why
would he say that he wants it to work for you two, if
he could just as easily say he is done and walk away
right now. - - - So this has not been of any help to
you whatsoever!! I have told you to leave him - and I
have told you to hang in there!LOL! I guess I am as
confused on what you should do as you are. I guess I
am saying - he needs to come around for you quickly -
or you just need to let her have him. Sorry that I am
not much help. I do care about the two of you.[/quote]

[quote]

Sounds like you have a good friend! Most friends and family just advise to kick the betrayer to the curb.

The working together is the big sticking point. In all my time posting here, I've never seen it work out when the affairees work together.

Find out how it will affect your disability and then MOVE.

thank you, I think that is what is going to happen. WHen I talked to him about leaving his job, he became visibly upset and almost started to cry. He then admitted that she was part of the reason he didn't want to leave.

so, I guess there is my answer. If he doesn't quit, then I will! Tomorrow (today) I am going to offer him two options: Move out while you look for another job, in another community, that you like (or decide that you really dont love me after all) OR Quit now and we look for a new place to live. We can borrow from my dad and cut back for a few months.

who knew. who knew! All of you did. This is just like cookie cutter adultery! In all reality, I have to brace myself for the end. He is not committment minded, loves to please whomever is asking for his attention (male or female) at the detriment to his family, and I think he likes it that way. If he does, he can go be that way somewhere else. I want no part of it.

*heavy sigh*
*tears*javascript:void(0)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

It is better NOT to give him ultimatums. Just ask him to look for another job. You should be in Plan A which is showing him what a great wife you can be. It also includes exposing the affair to anyone who has any influence.