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dhahn82 Offline OP
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I have been married to husband of 7 years and we have 5 children (three from his prevoius and 2 that we had together) I have just found out that he has been seeing another woman from work. He has stated to me that he would like us to be together and that he is going to fight to save are marriage. I do love him very much and would love more than anything to work through this. But I can't grasp the concept that he works with her for 10 hours of the day. He does tell me that nothing is going on and it is over between them. But how can i believe that when he continues to make conversation with her by calling her phone. I am lot and I have no where to turn. I don't know if I should fight for him or just let him go. If I let him go I think about the kids that I have raised since they were babies and losing them forever. I need help!!!

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If you've just found out about your WH's A, don't make any ultimate decisions just yet. Your emotions are running high and you'll need to let them normalize a bit.

If your WH is going to fight to save your marriage, then the first step is to end all contact with the OW. He cannot call her ever again. He cannot continue to work with her. One of them will have to leave their shared workplace.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
Affair is over for OP but not for WS
WW wants to move away w/o me
WW moved away w/o me
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dhahn82 Offline OP
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I understand that one of them will have to leave but my husband can't for he has had several jobs in the past and the employers look at this. The OW will not leave for she thinks there is hope for them still to be together, BTW she is still married with 3 children. My husband needs to work for if he doesn't we be in a very big financial bind. Now how do I proceed. I just wish there was some way that I could get her fired....

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Wanted to send some e hugs your way. D-day is so hard. I agree with the last poster - wait to make any decisions. And read all of the articles you can on how to proceed from here. If he is serious about saving your M, he'll agree to whatever conditions you set up, and the obvious one is that he establish solid no contact with the OW. Good luck.

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Tell the OW's husband about what is going on - expose!

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But I can't grasp the concept that he works with her for 10 hours of the day


Nor should you. If the A is to end, he needs to have NC whatsoever with her forever. If she will not leave, he must quit his job. It's horrible and it's that simple.

NC forever, for the rest of his life. If he refuses, you can consider the A still active and in full swing. do not accept anything less. You deserve this.

All Blessings,
Jerry

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dhahn82 Offline OP
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Jerry,

How do I put my family in a financial bind like that when I know we can't afford it on just my income. I just wish she would get fired. I have been trying to reach her husband but I believe he is out of town most of the time for he is never home no matter what time I call.

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dhahn82,

Unless and until you accept the fact that you H's A will not end until all c has ended, you will live in limbo for a long time to come.

You know how uncomfortable you feel right now, and rightly so. this A will not end until all contact has ended, work and otherwise.

Your H can never see or C this OW AGAIN, PERIOD!!

Dr H is adamant about this, and even suggests that sometimes, you need to pull up and move to another state. He's pretty emphatic about that and he is right. This A, from what you've described, has not ended, it's simply gone further underground. that is what your gut is telling you, and you should listen to your gut.

Im sorry for your pain, but rest assured, there are are many of us here who have endured the same.
You are not alone.

Welcolm to the MB forums. Stay strong. the battle is not over.

All Blessing,
Jerry

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Your family cannot afford it. Tell him to go flip burgers if necessary. What you famjily cannot afford is continued contact between them. NC is the priority right now. Everything else is secondary. Everything.

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Your H can get another job. It is a consequence for choosing to get involved in an A in the first place, and it is necessary if you are to have a chance at saving your M. If you can't reach the OW's H, call her friends, call her parents, call whomever she is connected to that may have influence over what she is doing- and definitely tell her boss. Does her H have a cell phone? Do a people search and find him!

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Well, tell hubby to start looking for another job - today. You can't control her, but he can control himself.

Today's job market is far different than it used to be. Changing jobs often isn't frowned upon like it used to be.


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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As someone who let my H stay at his job, let me tell you...make him quit or tell her husband to make her quit ASAP. The affair will not stop until there is no contact.

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I understand that one of them will have to leave but my husband can't for he has had several jobs in the past and the employers look at this..

If your H is not willing to leave his job, then you should prepare for divorce, because the affair will continue. Your H has not ended his affair YET and is in continual contact. Recovery is impossible until ALL CONTACT is ended. That is like expecting an alcoholic to sober up while drinking; an impossible endeavor.

You said he was "willing to do anything" to save the marriage? Well, ending contact with his lover is the FIRST STEP. Without that, the marriage can't be saved.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jerry,

How do I put my family in a financial bind like that when I know we can't afford it on just my income..

But you will have only one income when you get divorced. What you are doing is putting your marriage in jeopardy by enabling his affair. Divorces are very costly. It will be much cheaper for him to just get another job.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know I am new here, but I think this may help first and foremost:

1. Tell us more about your marriage past and present.

2. How long do you suspect this has been going on?

3. Do you have any documentation or info on the Affair?

4. Is either one of them management?

5. Is either one of them buddies with HR people?(more important than most people think- been there, done that myself recently. Only a mind game of false documentation and vagueness helped on that on. Whew!)

6. Have you read the spying 101 section?

7.DO NOT let your WH know about this site quite yet. You need to stay in control of all data gathering right now, and for possibly later down the road.

I was in your shoes about 3 months ago, and you are in the right place. I received wonderful support, advice, and information here on MB. I wouldn't have made it this far without this site and the folks on here. We have just about all been in this mess on both sides of the fences. Yes, even some WW have given me support and I them. I was told by one that I was doing a wonderful job, and they used their own horror story of coming out of the fog to relate and help guide my actions with my WW. Yes, it was a coworker as well. Unfortunately, my WW seems to be letting her anger and resentment guide her in a hasty decision to keep on walking away, I haven't even had the chance to see if she would be willing to relocate or change jobs, but at least you have gotten the communication that your WH is willing to try. Just do the steps above, and the folks here that are more knowledgeable than I am will be able to fine tune your plan of attack, give support, plan for possible fallout, and hopefully if things work out you will be able to monitor NC. The end result being the best possible plan for saving your M!

Sorry you are here, but like I said you are in the right place, and I wish you lots of luck!!!

Last edited by ineedfoglights; 01/31/08 07:54 PM.
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dhahn82 Offline OP
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My marriage I thought was going really well. I am 25 and he is 28. Before we met he was always into older women. He always told me that he would never hurt me. but then December 21, 2007 is when it happened he stated that she is 38 years old and he knew that she wanted him so he took the step forward. He has only kissed and nothing further. He is not willing to change jobs for he states that nothing is going to happen and he does not want to lose me. He knows that he has it especially when I didn't leave him after all this. He does tell me that the only thing that is said among them is HI and that is it. Can I believe that? I want to trust my husband that he will NOT hurt me again this way. His last phone call to her was January 15, 2008 for I have phone records. Neither one of them is management or friend with the HR. I think the only reason he he took the step forward to her is because she owns a business with her husband something he has longed for since we have been married. Since november of 2007 I would go upnorth every other weekend with a couple of the kids for he had to work. So sometime I think I brought this on myself for he stated to me that he didn't feel loved by me or important like I didn't need him. Where she made him feel like he was needed with her. Is there really a hope that if he just says hi to her that the A does not mean it continues. Maybe I am in denial???

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He has only kissed and nothing further.
Prepare yourself for the (likely) possibility that the two of them have gone further. Often the WS admits to as little as possible at first.

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He is not willing to change jobs for he states that nothing is going to happen and he does not want to lose me.
It is absolutely impossible for the two of you to be happily married while he works with the OW.

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He does tell me that the only thing that is said among them is HI and that is it. Can I believe that? I want to trust my husband that he will NOT hurt me again this way.
Yes, we all want to trust our spouses. Unfortunately, your WH has betrayed that trust. Right now you cannot trust him. Don't believe that they only say 'Hi' to each other. APs never just say 'Hi.' He needs to never see or speak to her ever again.

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So sometime I think I brought this on myself for he stated to me that he didn't feel loved by me or important like I didn't need him. Where she made him feel like he was needed with her.
As Janice Harley often says on the radio show, 'There are reasons, but no excuses.' An A is never acceptable and you are not responsible for it. You are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, but your WH is 100% responsible for his choice to cheat.

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Is there really a hope that if he just says hi to her that the A does not mean it continues???
No, there is no hope if he continues to have any contact with her. Do not back down from this requirement.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
Affair is over for OP but not for WS
WW wants to move away w/o me
WW moved away w/o me
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dhahn82 Offline OP
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I am just writing to let you know that you are correct the affair was never over he left me for the night last week friday to stay the night with her. I felt so alone and betrayed that I hurt so much. He did come home Saturday morning and stated to that it is over and he wants to work are marriage out now. I have exposed them to everyone that I know even his mother and the OW husband and children. The OW has quit the job for her husband does not want her to leave the home anymore. My husband and the OW talked on the phone on Saturday in front of me and her husband stating to each other that it is over and it has to stop. I just don't know where to go from here. How do I proceed when he planned a future with her if she left her husband first. He tells me that he will never do this to me again. I don't know if I can believe him. What happens if the OW husband doesn't want her anymore? Will my husband leave me then? I just think about all this stuff? I would love for are marriage to work out after this has happened but I don't know how to go on. I don't want to get hurt again.

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I'm very sorry that you're having to deal with this. The fresher it is the worse it hurts.

Your questions are very normal. But because events are still recent and your emotions are going to run wild, don't make any ultimate decisions just yet.

The good news is that the OW has quit her job and your WH has committed to NC. For right now, enforce that boundary. Be aware that your WH will be compelled to contact the OW. He will go through withdrawal and it will be ****** for the both of you.

If you can afford it, I recommend arranging a phone session with the Harleys.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
Affair is over for OP but not for WS
WW wants to move away w/o me
WW moved away w/o me

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