I married at 22. Married for 10 years and have 2 children and divorced 2 years ago due to her infidelity and years of failed counseling. I met and married my current wife 4 months after my divorce was final. we have been married almost 2 years. We are very compatible intellectually and physically. We were so happy for the first year. Then, a month before our first anniversary, last February out of the blue she emotionally withdrew from our marriage adn me both sexually and emotionally. She started a friendship with another man that became very inappropriate last April/May. It hurt so bad I gave her an ultimatum. She either chooses him or me by the end of June or I'm done. She continued to see him. Lied about her whereabouts. Instead of giong with me to visit my children she went to his home town on vacation and swears he wasn't there she went with her best friend, took cash only, never used her credit cards and hid her phone bills.) Throughout the summer she would beg for forgiveness and tell me she would make it right and go see him the next day after I forgave her.
I caught her many times meeting him behind businesses, his house, etc. I finally separated and got an apartment. She continued the affair until October. She at times would get on the phone and laugh with the OM about my feelings of depression and suicide due to her affair. I went by myself home for thanksgiving to be with family. She finally admitted her sexual and emotional affair to me at that time over the phone. I told her I would give her another chance. She had to arrange counseling, have NO CONTACT with the OM, and give me her phone bills. Between Thanksgiving and CHristmas. SHe did nothing. I even caught her at the bar sitting with him and her girlfriends. I was again devastated. I went home for Christmas with my family because of her breaking the NO CONTACT rule. She promised whne I got back she would change. Now she is pleading with me to come home. When I come to get mail at her house, she'll throw her body at me and I get weak and give in. It's been a long time for me so I give in. SInce CHrstmas I served her with divorce papers. She still has them but finds reasons to put off meeting with me to sign them. She wants me back. She seems very sincere. I do still love her and think she is sincere. I have already switched bank accounts, had sex with another woman (no relationship). But a part of my heart misses her bad. But I've been hurt so many times. I've given her som many chances and each time she doesn't deliver.
Do I give her another chance? I haven't seen her read any books, get any counseling or do anything to drastically change herself. SO I am very sceptical. What do I do with my feelings of love for her?
Any help would be appreciated

"She at times would get on the phone and laugh with the OM about my feelings of depression and suicide due to her affair."

Read what you wrote every time you think you should take her back!!! This is not someone who loves you!!! Just my opinion.

Randoman,

Four key facts:

1. You fell for her a a "rebound relationship" after your other marriage ended.

2. Eleven months into your new marriage, she "withdrew" from you.

3. She keeps seeing the OM. In fact, she was "back at the bar" with him between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

4. No effort to change.

Wake up...it's time to see what is going on without an emotional filter and without looking for what you hope would happen. Instead, look at what is happening.

A part of your "heart misses her so bad". Dude, you don't miss her (as she actually is) -- you miss your idealized version of her as you wish she could be. Adults rarely change. How old is she?

My initial thoughts are that you should kick her to the curb. There are a lot of other women out there who would appreciate a good guy in their lives. Next time, date at least a year before you propose marriage. Screen much more carefully -- your future happiness and emotional well-being depends on it!

Good luck,
LiesRedux

P.S. BTW, you know that she only wants you back b/c you moved out into your own apartment. Your social value and respectability went up her eyes as a result of standing up for yourself. You don't need this kind of twisting and turning in your life. Be clear, direct, and seek your own independent happiness.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It means so much to me that you take the time to help a complete stranger. Last week I finally withdrew my paycheck and got my own account. Since then she has been trying to make me feel bad that she doesn't have much money. I hate hurting people's feelings. I know she is now a little tight on income. A part of me wants to take a few bills from her but I don't think it's right that I subsidize her life. When she chose to have a long EM relationship, she took the risk that it might hurt her financially down the road. Now she wants me to pay off two big debts because I make more money than she does. I feel that doing so takes all the risk out of her affair. Maybe I should take some debt from her? I don't know. I'm in a no fault state. So she can committ adultery and that's ok by the law, but while I'm down she can kick money out of me on her way out. This stinks. Makes me never wanna marry again.
I again thank you for your replies. She just barely sent me a text reminding me of the good times we've had. That she learned her lesson and wants me to reconsider the divorce. Your right, I love the idea of us, not really her. Maybe I should just end it. Pay her off. And down the road if she gets serious counseling and changes we can remarry. Who knows.

You're making the right decision.

Make sure to continue protecting your finances and credit. Change the passwords on everything - utilities, bank, investments, healthcare, everything.

Don't pay her a cent until your lawyer says it's okay!!!

Bitbucket is right on target. Don't pay her anything at this point in time.

Also, because you are in a no-fault state, you should not pay anything extra on any debt right now. Just make the minimum payment needed to protect your credit. When you two legally separate/divorce, you will (more than likely) be assigned 50% of the debt and she'll get the other half. That's when you can move ahead and pay off your half.

Go see a lawyer on Monday (as soon as possible). You need to take immediate steps to protect yourself against her getting new debt and/or credit cards and running them up in your marital household's name. That happens far more often than it should -- protect yourself and your children's financial future! Be strong and respect yourself. Your kids are counting on you.

Rando
Start running now, don't look back, and start laughing. Start laughing and thanking what ever it is you worship because the sooner you get away from that piece of work the better.

PS I find it very hard to believe you two really had ANYTHING in common. Once she is out of your life, consider yourself one lucky SOB.

If you give her another chance, when will it stop. She obviously hurt you bad, but if someone were to treat you that way, why would you want to put up with it? I commend you for having patience and giving her chances, but you have to draw a line somewhere. First thing is to break total contact with her. The less contact you have with her, the harder it will be to fall for her convincing ways.

I personally would not put up with infidelity. Some people believe in giving chances, but I just couldn't be with a woman that was unfaithful, for whatever reason. The longer you are away from this woman, the easier it will be to get on with your life. If I were in your situation, I would not give her another chance, but I may have different principles. Just compare the hurt you feel when she deceives you and the hurt you feel when you're away from her. Which one hurts the worst? Just remember though, if you keep giving her chances, the hurt will continue. If you cut her off, the hurt will eventually subside. Good Luck to you, whatever you decide.