*edit*

First, you need to edit your post and take out the other guy's name; not kosher to out people.

I wish you would have quit the gaming a couple of years ago. It may have driven too big a wedge now, because she is getting nearly ALL her Emotional Needs met there and like any other addiction, she may see no benefit to stopping it. I think the only needs you were meeting was financial stability and domestic support.

It may all boil down to whether you hold any appeal for her. Since she's having an emotional affair, she is in a 'fog' wherein everything he says is wonderful and everything you've said or done or do is ugly. Nothing will change unless she is willing to end the EA.

If you can get her to agree with that, then you can start discussing removing the gaming from your lives. Once those major issues are addressed, there is a ton of great material here on how to fix a broken marriage.

But she's in the middle of an EA and and addiction, so none of it will work until you get her to a safe place. Is there any family/friends who will support you in doing an intervention? For one thing, MB recommends 'outing' any affair to the persons involved, their family and friends, church, anyone else involved in their lives. Affairs usually wither away and die once exposed, because the Other Man is destroying your M and that's unethical.

I wish I had quit long ago too. But I guess since I was only playing when we weren't really doing anything anyway it was not such a big deal. As I said before, I would drop that game the second she wanted some attention and I wouldn't look back until she was busy with something else.

That is the problem though, She does not see it as an EA. And to be honest I am not even sure if I see it that way. She has always kept male friends since long before I met her and for the most part I am ok with that until certain boundaries are crossed.

I was in a similar situation although I was not getting anything emotional out of gaming, I was neglecting her and I remember thinking how ridiculous that she would get mad at me for playing a game. It took a long time for the effects to set in and make me realize what I was doing to her.

If she had told me about all the emails and all the conversations they were having I wouldn't even care. But she has shifted all her energies over to this game and the people in it and away from our marriage.

I would love to get all of my friends to intervene at once to make her see what she is doing but I am not sure how they would react to me asking for this. They seem to want me to get a lawyer and cover my own butt and move on. If I could get her family to step in that would be great but I am afraid that if they don't, she will find out that I asked them to and it will just push her even farther away.

Thanks for your reply though, it is helpful and I edited out his name, I should know better than that.

They never do. If she's getting attention, admiration, respect, fun, flirting, and interest from him, it's an EA. All the stuff you're supposed to be doing for her.

So today was the first day... I have just about made it through. I cried a lot this morning and went to lunch with my mother. I ate an eggroll and 2 pieces of shrimp before I started thinking about all the times my wife and I had eaten there and lost my appetite. I went and put down a deposit on an apartment. It's very nice actually, I think if my wife saw it she would be pretty jealous as our old apartment is just that, old. For a while I started to feel empowered until I realized that I have no clean clothes and there are things that I need from the old apartment. I had no choice but to drop by plus my cat is still there and I miss her so much. At first she almost didn't seem upset that I had stopped by. We didn't talk much. I told her that I had gotten an apartment about 45 minutes from home and I was just grabbing some clothes and scooping out my cat's litter box. She was starring at me while I collected a few days worth of clothes and as much as I tried to not say anything I asked her how she was doing. She said that she cried and slept most of the day. She told me she was sorry she was hurting me. I said I was sorry for a lot of things but I just don't know what to do. I said I was still willing to try but I can't do it alone. Then I stopped myself and told her I didn't mean to spark up conversation and if she wanted to talk we could otherwise I'll just do what I came here to do. Fed my cat, cleaned her litter box and held her for a while then I left. She wanted to open up at first. I know she did. I know I just have to be strong. I need to let her know I still love her but at the same time not act as though she can just walk all over me and get away with it. It's so hard though. I guess it could be days, weeks, or months before she decides to talk to me. I have no idea but at least my apartment is going to be very nice. And I can get my cat with me where she belongs.

Am I coming off as an idiot? I feel like one. When I made my vows I meant them. Maybe in todays world vows are just empty words that you say and don't really mean.

Thanks btw for your replies catperson.

I hate that you're separating, because it's so much harder to work on the relationship apart, but it may be the catalyst she needs to realize she misses you. Especially if you read up on everything, start making your life better, exercise, stop smoking (?), start dressing better, make new friends, start some hobbies or groups, in other words, start looking like someone she'd be interested in.

And ps, I'm glad you'll have your cat with you. As you can tell, I think all people need cats. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well it has been about a week. I moved into the new apartment and tried not to bother her. I failed. Sent her a few letters and a few times she seemed almost like she wanted things to work. But 3 days ago she said she had made up her mind and wanted a divorce. She went online and did this online divorce thing for 300 bucks and I just filled out my half of the questions. I am guessing she has already printed them out and will be sending them off in the morning. My new place is pretty awesome actually and I decided to get a nice giant TV to make myself feel better. I haven't really spoiled myself in ages. I have lots of hobbies, I play guitar and do crummy art projects with photoshop. I have been spending as much time as I can with friends but it makes no difference anymore. She is walking out of my life and I don't know what to do. I have all of this stuff that I just can't seem to enjoy and literally everything I see reminds me of her.

Luie,

I feel your pain. My situation is kind of similar, kind of worse because my XW still lives in the house with me. And my XW has seemed at times like she regrets her decision, and at the same time has never wavered from it (and in fact used an online service). I am trying to get excited about doing other things, with little success. Its still just all too new (about 2 months). I think about not talking to her for a day or 3 days or a week or a month, and don't know how I'd do it. She's just too much a part of me. One thing she has said to me is that I have to be her friend before I can be anything else to her. We have always been good friends, and the marital troubles took their toll on that, so I understand that. I am spending my efforts now on rebuilding her trust in me, showing her that I am the man she fell in love with once, and then we'll see where things go from there. This isn't an overnight process, it took years to put cracks in the marriage, it will take at least months to repair them.

Maybe your W is similar. Maybe she needs to be reminded of why she fell in love with you in the first place. Romantic pressure, moving back in right away is probably too much for her to handle. In one of the threads I started, catperson gave me excellent advice. Be her friend, be attractive to her, and when she starts seriously looking again, she is more likely to gravitate to you.

I don't know what else I can do. I admit I haven't done a good job of looking strong or "good" to her since I moved out but at this point all I really can do is stay away. She doesn't want to see me or hear from me even about financial things. My best friend is also close with her and while he won't divulge to much of what she has said to him he told both of us we need to cut off all communication. I know he is trying to just save 2 of his closest and oldest friends from unneeded stress but I am worried. I don't know whether to hope for things to eventually settle or if I should just try to never talk to her again. I want her to be happy and if me not being in her life is what makes her happy then I would leave her alone but I am having a hard time believing that removing me is going to make her happy more than just temporarily. I know I have my own issues which I am going to a therapist for in a few days but I was also a loving husband, always faithful and almost always put her needs and wants before my own. The last thing she said to me was that she would always remember the good times as they were the best in her life. She is a stubborn person though and like myself often acts impulsively and I am worried that she may live to regret this and end up coming back after it's already too late. And to top it all of, tomorrow is valentines day. I will be alone, I am sure she won't be.

Again, this is very similar to what I'm experiencing, and you sound like you're in a spot where I was a month ago. I just entered counseling last week, and I suggest the same for you, because you're no good to her if you're no good to you. My XW also acts impulsively and I'm worried about her making some serious mistakes and I've also done my best to take care of her and protect her from the world...except that I overdid it, and your post suggests you did, too. Your W is never going to feel complete if you don't let her spread her wings and figure out who she is, and how she functions without you. You don't want to get back together with her just so you find yourself in the same position in 3 years. Take care of yourself, become the best man you can, encourage her to get counseling if she needs it (don't demand, do it from a loving standpoint) and either she will come back to you or she won't. If you've made yourself a better man, and she's not willing to make herself a better woman, for all that you love her, do you really want to have to be her surrogate father forever?

It took me a while to get to this point. I am still desperately in love with my XW. And I realize that I need to heal, she needs to heal, and then we see about starting over. She may be having an EA (probably is) with a guy in another state. If she needs to be with him to figure herself out, then that's what she needs to do. I can't control that. All I can do is work on myself, become more attractive to her, and hope that she sees that she wasn't wrong about me and that we can start over. And, at the same time, if she's not willing to get some help for herself, it will be difficult. I took care of her for 9 years. I want her with me as an equal, not as a dependent. I'll ask you what my counselor asked me..."What are you getting out of this relationship?"

Eyezontehprize, I think we are on the same page. At first I said to myself that if she wouldn't ditch the game and this dude she says is just a friend I would totally ditch her but as the anger is fading away and all I really do is miss her I am starting to have second thoughts. It sucks though, She called me the other day to see if I had seen a therapist yet. I told her I had and we actually talked for a few minutes without hostility. Almost like friends. She eventually got mad at me for telling our mutual friend about her meds but he is not stupid, he has always known about her issues. She told me that she wishes I could see that this is what is best for us. I told her that I know we need some time to fix ourselves but I think 2 weeks to go from considering counseling to divorce proceedings over the internet is kind of impulsive. This was all forced on me very quickly. She doesn't see how I was forced into this and I don't see how anyone could see it as anything else. After all, I was willing to move out to my moms house and continue paying the rent and all the bills while we took some time away from each other. I am hoping with some time and therapy for both of us she will start to see that she is throwing away what could have ended up being a wonderful life if we had only took the time to learn to communicate with and nurture each other like we used to so long ago.

Don't rush the divorce. I signed very quickly because my XW was in such a bad state (exceptionally depressed, possibly suicidal) and I didn't want to hurt her anymore. If I had it to do over again, I would have said no, and would have found this site and been able to give her more options. I really was afraid she might have a total breakdown if I didn't. However, it does make any future reconciliation more difficult. If you are serious about seeing if counseling, et al will work with your WS, I think its much easier if you are married and trying to reconcile than divorced and trying to rebuild. Others might see it differently, though.

We have just about zero communication now. I know it has only been 2 and a half weeks but I am starting to wonder if I should just give up all together. The last time I talked with her she told me to take my time with the divorce but at this point I think all that is left is for me to sign a paper. I have been putting it off for almost a week now. Everyday seems like an eternity to not speak to her. Should I just live in limbo or sign the paper or just say no to it all together. She does not seem to want to work things out with me at all. She is seeing her own therapist and "working on herself". At the same time I am pretty sure she is still "best of friends" with that other guy on the internet. I know she still plays that stupid game for several hours a night. But I also know she checks my myspace music page at least once a day. I recorded a song for her. I think she might be listening to it. She said she cries every night. I keep telling myself to just let go but I have been in love with her since I was 20 and I'm 28 now. This sucks.

OtherMe - I'm in much the same spot you are, and all I can say is that 2 1/2 weeks is a drop in the bucket of your life. As people have told me, this is the time to be working on yourself and not obsessing about her. Now, that's MUCH more easily said than done. However, if you find other things to distract yourself, whether its going out with family or friends, or volunteer work, or if you have pets spending time with them, it makes it a little easier.

I don't want to let go, either. Its been two months for me. Its a roller coaster ride, and not always a fun one, and I keep remembering why I'm doing what I'm doing. If she's that important to you, persevere. And remember, if you don't change, you'll just be in the same spot in the future. She has to change, too, and this is a joint effort.

Well, I went over to her apartment yesterday to grab my record collection and a few other things that I had left over there. She seems to be doing pretty good. She got a new cat to replace ours. The apartment was as clean as it has ever been. For the first time we actually spoke to each other like friends. Nothing serious, just small talk. She told me she doesn't blame me for any of this. We actually laughed together. I gave her a hug and told her to take care of herself and for a second I think she was on the verge of tears. I don't really remember if she hugged me back. I am so confused now. I wrote a letter to her mother basically saying that I still love her daughter and if there was anything that I could do to make things right I would do it. I still can't help but hope things will eventually turn around. I am getting better at keeping myself busy. I started exercising and that helped more than I thought it would but still not nearly as much as I hoped it would. It seems like no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about her. And while I don't really think this was all my fault I keep asking myself what have I done. It's almost a month now and I still feel like I am dying inside.

TOMID - I have found this page http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2005/3/8/410458.html to be very helpful to me, and since your facts have some parallels to mine, it may be of help to you, too.

Again, remember that this is likely to be a long rebuilding process. The problems didn't spring up overnight and they won't get fixed overnight. I chose my screen name because I have my eyes focused on what I want in the future, not where things are now. The important thing to me is that I don't let anyy one day or any one event slow me down from working towards that goal.

I read a lot of essays on that website. They helped me personally but I think they also hardened me to the reality that my soon to be ex is no longer the person I married and wanted to spend my life with. I am starting to enjoy my independence. I still get lonely and the fact that my friends are pretty busy with their own lives makes it hard but it seems like she just wants to be single. Since I moved out she has become more involved in her internet relationships. I have since quit playing MMO's and I am starting to wonder how I or anybody else can live like that. I would rather be exercising or playing guitar or even playing one of the thousand other games available that don't require you to zone out in front of a PC for 6 to 8 hours at a time.

I guess I am just going through the phases. I am well past the shock, dealt with the nothing but sorrow for about 2 weeks, then a week of optimism and I think I am now in the reality sets in and makes sense phase. I don't know if I want to go back to having her walk all over me and using me as a scape goat for whatever "problems" she has in life. I mean, if she came to me and said she really wants to change I would probably still give it a chance but at this point I am not holding my breath. When I checked out her myspace page she had pushed her real life friends back and moved her internet buddies up to her top friends. What does that mean? I know I have ef'd up at least once in about every way possible but at least I recognize that there needs to be changes in my life. It seems as though she wanted changes too but all she is doing is taking me out of the picture and then continuing to live in this fantasy world. I spoke with her mother the other day and she told me that she won't talk about things with her either.

I don't know... I still care about her and I am still worried about her but I don't think I am still in love with her after all of this BS she basically through at me. I think I would rather take my chances as a single and maybe someday find a girl who is not whatever my ex is.

TOMID - I came to a similar conclusion over the last few days. I still love my XW and care about her, and the time for a relationship with her has passed. I have changed and am changing and she is stuck in the same place. If she moves forward, then maybe there can be something in the future. If she keeps doing the same things over and over again, it can only drag me down. You may be luckier than me. At a very deep level, I am still in love with my XW. That may never change. However, now is the time for her to take care of herself.

I applaud you for your position. Its basically the one I have (i.e., if she said "I want to change these things", I would be very interested again) and you never know if it may happen. I just think its important to realize that its not happening now and may never happen. Its up to you if you want to remain part of her life, and at what level. And mostly, you have to live for you. It took me two months plus to get to that point, which in reality may not have been that long at all. I believe that all I can do, all you, can do, is take life one day at a time and deal with today today and tomorrow tomorrow.

Best of luck.

I'm glad you liked Al's site. It has been a great site for me.

TheOtherMeIsDead,

A lot of your story seems very similar to mine. My H has always played MMORPGs and has always somehow gotten me to play them as well. I started playing EQ2 about 3 years ago now because my H talked me into it.

After about a year I was completely addicted. I would play for hours on end with other people other than my H. There wre several men that I had EAs with. Looking back, I realized how stupid this was. There were endless nights where my H went to bed alone because I stayed up playing.

It's amazing how emotionally attached you can become to someone online that you have never met. In a game no less!

I still play some but not nearly as much as before. I soon realized after my H quit on our M, that it was only a game. But it was too late for me.

The reason I became so addicted was because I was so lonely. I was clincally depressed. My H was always out with his friends and I was alone. I never had the emotionaly connection I wanted with him so I found it elsewhere. In EQ.

He realized it and tried to pull me out of the fantasy world, but I was sooooooo lost I never came to until he left.

Sooner or later your W will realize this. Whatever happens in the end, hang in there. You will wind up in a bette place.