I have been married for 13.5 years with 2 children , ages 11 and 4.5.
I discovered my husband was having an affair on 12/18/2007. The
affair
began on 10/19/2007, and consisted of hours of text messages and phone
conversations up until 12/07/07 when they met up and engaged in
sexual
oral promiscuity. Having discovered everything he called her on
12/24/07 and broke it off. She continued to call his cell, text, call
his work and e-mail him at work as well. When I discovered this
information I told him that he had to break it off and never speak to
her again. He agreed and again broke it off on 01/02/08. She then
called him a week later at work, all upset, and wanting closure, so he supposedly(so he told me)
broke it off again. The cell phone bill suggests otherwise however. She/he however has continued to make contact with
each other
at work, via phone/e-mail-cell/text. I should mention that she was a
co worker of his about 10 years ago; she & I even used to hang out
together. She lives about 2 hours from us and is married with a 5
year
old son. She supposedly is in marriage counseling trying to restore
her marriage; so my question is this. What do I do about her
incessant
contact with my husband? We are trying to rebuild our marriage, but
it's hard when I always feel that I am starting at the bottom with
every received phone call /contact they make. Please help. Thanks
for
your time and I look forward to any advise you can give. Thank you,
Sushimaker

sushi

You can't stop the contact, but you can start working the plans. And the plans work. Read up on plan A.

Your WH is still in the A. As long as there is still contact, it's still going on.

Expose the A to the OW's husband and anyone who has influence with your WH. Affairs don't like to be put under the lights. They thrive in secrecy.

Have you exposed this affair at his workplace and at hers? Employers are usually quite interested to know that their employees are using company time, money and resources (work phones and work e-mail) to carry on their affair.

Go to the Just Found Out board and the guidelines there - they are permanently posted at the top of the board. That will get you started. Good luck.
Mulan

And for the record, Sushi, he probably isn't telling you the real deal. People in A's lie. They want their cake and to eat it too. Don't believe what he SAYS. Watch his actions.

If you can, read Surviving an Affair. It can be purchased from this site. It will help you understand the dynamics of A's.

First step in recovering a M after an A has ended is NO CONTACT ever again with the affair partner. That is a must and it must be forever. A letter should be written by your WH to the OW that tells her that he doesn't want to ever see her again. And that he has hurt you and that it was wrong. No apologies, no lovey dovey stuff...just it's over, I love my wife and I don't ever want to have contact with you again. Then YOU mail it.

If he tries to NOT send this letter that's a red flag. Be ready for it.

Also he should change his cell number and email addy. And he should not answer the phone if he knows it's her.

He will go through withdrawal, very similar to an addict,
when he finally goes into a real NC. But if he balks at any of these steps, he's hiding something. He should also give you all of his passwords to his email accounts. This is transparency. It's another step in the process of recovering your M.

So start with exposing. Don't tell him your are going to do this. Just do it. Expect that he will be upset.

Write an NC letter.

Change all contact numbers and emails.

Get his passwords.


You will know right away if he's still involved because he won't want to do any of this.

Your H is lying.

First thing you need to do is call OW's H and tell him what is going on. That will throw a major wrench in the works. Get ready for you H to flip out, this is because he is still engaged in the A and you just made things very difficult for them.

I would do what everyone here is saying, but before that, read up on the spying 101 post, learn everything you can, learn plan A, implement some of the spying devices, and THEN expose. Delaying a few hours for future verification will be gold for your peace of mind to verify NC as time goes by. Also, see if you can set up the online account for his cellphone especially before you do anything else. That way you can see every message from whom to whom and every call in, out, and possibly even be able to check voice messages if you get really suspicious. BE FOREWARNED. You will probably have to have the phone in your hand as you do this because it will IM the phone about the account setup, password change, etc. that you will need to delete and give it back.

The work email you may not be able to control unless HR or somebody at work is willing to block user, or view the accounts periodically. Unless there is a remote login available that he will be willing to provide in the name of cooperation of NC.