Good advice. I think I'm following it already, for the most part, but I will review what I'm doing. Thing is, I think I am expressing my feelings in a non-threatening way, but yet I still get anger and abuse in response. Certainly not much if anything in the way of empathy. I really wish I knew exactly why she reacts that way. I'm making a very strong effort now to avoid being subjected to that going forward.

I'm so glad you didn't, Ace, but I'm touched by your kindness and consideration. It is a really interesting topic.



Hmmm...I see advantages and disadvantages. And I think it definitely depends on the couple and what place they are at in their Recovery.

I have seen BS's bring their WS's or FWS's here and the feedback they received really made a difference.

I've also seen WS's come here and instead of clearing the fog, becoming a poster seemed to only serve to provide them intel in how to fool others into believing they "got it". Even in those situations, it at least opens the door to become familiar with MB principles, as some of them can seem somewhat radical initially.

For the BS who really needs a plan to protect themselves, having their WS here can be dangerous.

I've also seen couples in Recovery that stopped using the boards to seek guidance for their issues because after a time, it became a "status" thing - perhaps they were ashamed for others to be made aware that their marriages were less than the perfect model of Recovery.

With Recovering marriages, by far the most common difficulty that I see is how to execute POJA and a real misunderstanding of the concept.

MIM,



I also agree that this is a wise boundary. Attempting to execute POJA when the first two Guidelines for Successful Negotiation are not being followed...
Guideline 1: Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.

Guideline 2: Identify the problem from both perspectives.

...will result in the withdrawal of love units. Given that, I see your boundary being a protective measure, not only for you, but for your marriage as well.

Hey MiM,



I should have expaned on this a bit more... I can see from your reply that you are definitely working very hard and that is great.... but you're "not getting the results" that you want.

The above quotes are probably more important than conveying your anger and pain in a non-threatening way because if you can do this, then you are then free to concentrate on your pain and deal with it with no expectations of Tangled to repair or fix it.

For me, it took several months of consistently sharing my pain and anger with Mrs. RIF with NO expectation of her at all. Eventually, Mrs. RIF could sense that I wasn't trying to 'punish' her by sharing my pain and she started opening up more.

Please read your first reply to me and see if there are any "expectations" from Tangled...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks, Froz. You are right, this is an interesting topic....especially for spouses wishing/hoping their BS or WS would read/post here. Like LC and tst said, both must be open and honest for it to work.

I do agree that it does depend on the couple, and LC and Docp illustrate that it's not only the BS who seeks help and wants his/her spouse to come here, too.

Thanks for your candid honesty and willingness to share, Froz. I pray that things will work out for you soon.

*************

MiM and RIF,

RIF said,


This is something I/we missed for a long time. I just read parts of Patriot's thread about punishment/consequences and I think my WH thought that my sharing was punishment, too. After we got into MC and were told that my sharing was a needed part of recovery, my WH began listening, not being so defensive, and seeing how it actually did help us grow in intimacy. Of course, I probably was trying to punish him in the early days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ace

I just thought I'd post a quick update this morning. Things went quite well yesterday, in fact better than I ever expected. After several hours of the "silent treatment" in the morning, I eventually approached her and asked her what was wrong. It turns out that she apparently was quite depressed because over what had happened over the past few days. I tried to be as empathic as possible, and did my best to ensure that she enjoyed yesterday, and she had a great time - WE had a great time. And last night, she approached me for SF - THAT I wasn't expecting so soon.

So it looks like the Recovery Wagon is rolling again.

I realise that I treat SF as some sort of "barometer" for our relationship - when it's happening, I think everything is going well, when it's not, I get very depressed. Ditto for Affection, another one of my top ENs, and come to think of it, O&H as well. That got me thinking - if I use "SF" as a "barometer", perhaps she uses one or more of her top ENs as a "barometer" too...

Anyway, I think things are back on track (or getting there), this morning.

I will talk about the emotional abuse thing in another message later. In the past, she did identify it as as a problem (though she did not go as far as identifying it specifically as emotional abuse).

Me - I'm going to keep concentrating on my personal "behavioural changes" plan. It was working so well until the wheels came off the wagon a few days ago...

Hey MiM!

Rebuilding is hard work as you already know... but I think that if you'll focus on the above point that you'll start to see some more response...

Glad that things turned around for you!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Yeaaaaa! So glad to hear this MiM. Focusing on what you can control will always improve your outlook, which in turn will most likely produce positive results.

So glad she's surprising you, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ace