I have been married to my H for 6 years. During this time, I have been very open and honest about my needs. Reading the articles about the Love Bank and what “in love” really means, I realize that I have never had that “in love” feeling for my H nor has he had it for me. No one ever told me what to look for in a guy for life – maybe that is because no one really can, unless they have that feeling and relationship with their spouse.

Things were fine - status quo - for 3 years until an incident happened. My H works with teenagers and I help him. 3 years ago there was this one teenage girl who he was attracted to. I know this because he was very verbal about how she was so funny and spunky. He said things such as, she reminds me of you. He invited her over ALOT, wanted her to come on outings with us, and suggested that if we have a child she should move in and be our nanny. *sigh* Every relationship previous to ours, that I had, resulted in me being cheated on. I know the tell-tale signs, and was purposely ignoring them in this situation. Then one day, the bomb hit. He was reported to DCFS, by another teen, for allegedly having sexual relations with this girl. I was devastated, of course. But, as a Christian, I was taught that marriage is forever and there is no way out, so I confronted him on the topic. The young teen and my H both reported to DCFS that what happened was only a shoulder rub and inappropriate talks in his office. I of course, suspected more. When I confronted him he shut me down and out of his life- emotionally. He forbade me to speak of it with him or anyone else for that matter, and left me to my thoughts. Since then, we have been withdrawn from each other. My needs not being met, I turned to my friends and family.

Since I have been little, my best friends have been men. My mom never had any problems with this until recently, and rightly so. I didn’t listen to her. I have a male best friend (BF)currently (he is also my H friend). We were friends before my marriage and during. Since the incident described above, I have grown closer to BF. Then, one day, my H suggests letting this BF come live with us so he can return to school. It has been 6 months, and in that time my BF has learned how to make me happy something my H has not learned in 6 years. It shocked me how I was feeling toward my BF, so I sought out this website.

2 months ago, I revealed to my H that I felt our marriage was in trouble. I suggested counseling, he refused, of course. So, I said, fine, we will talk things out and if in 3 months nothing has changed, we are going to get counseling. He agreed - we shall see.

The article on the love bank made me aware that I have fallen in love with my BF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> When I read the article on how affairs start, the line that describes some affairs become too complete to ignore and eventually end up in marriage, best describes the one with my BF. I know it’s not the norm, and some of you may be cynical about it, but it is how I feel. Like I said, that “in love” feeling has never been present in my dating or marriage life. It is something I have secretly dreamed of, but thought unattainable. Many women have stated that being “in love” is not real love. If I really loved my H, I should not have these feelings toward my BF. If I really loved my H, and he loved me, the above incident would never have happened. That “in love” feeling IS real, because now I have finally found it. If I end the relationship with my BF, what would stop another to take its place?

I told my H that I am not in love with him anymore and he gave me a peppy OK. I also said I was contemplating divorce and he gave me a peppy OK. I don’t feel like he takes me or our problems seriously. Everything IS and always has been a joke to him – my emotions, needs, frustrations. Then I looked at the most important emotional needs article and shared it with him. He confessed that he has always been aware of these needs, but has made little effort to meet them. He admits this, without being sorry. I am naturally self sacrificial (people will say too sacrificial) my husband admits this. I have always been aware of his needs, and have tried to meet them. I have met them, my H says so, and says he is perfectly happy in our marriage. I have flat out said I am not. He doesn't seem to care. He is also aware that my BF is meeting 3 out of 4 of my important emotional needs, and is OK with it. I am at a loss here. I am about to divorce and be with my BF. The love I have for my BF is too powerful to “shake off” especially when you have never had it before. I just can’t seem to get anywhere with my H. I asked him if he can be the man I want. He said he HAS to. Whatever, he doesn't have to – I have my doubts because I have been trying to get him to change for 6 years – he is resistant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

What happened to this sentiment? It changed once you met BF?

"I was devastated, of course. But, as a Christian, I was taught that marriage is forever and there is no way out, so I confronted him on the topic."

You can't control him. You can only control yourself. Do you have access to individual counseling or couples counseling? It would seem that you need professional help to find a plan for your life, with or without your spouse.

As you'll see if you read my strange story attached to my sig line, I tried to change my husband for 32 years. I quit, gave up, and then he had an EA. I was happy for my 'out', but when our adult son begged us both to fight for our family like we taught him and his sister to do, I reconsidered.

It has been the hardest thing either of us has ever done, but if we can succeed after feeling like you did for 32 years, any marriage can survive if both partners choose to do the work.

Best wishes and welcome to MB.

Ace

You are a wayward spouse engaged in an emotional affair. You realize all WSs claim to have never been "in love" with thier spouses? That they all have hundreds of reasons to justify thier infidelity?

What you are doing is called ADULTERY, its not love, your "BF" is not your soulmate, you two were not meant to be together. As reprehensible as I find your allegations against your H to be, it is NOT HIS FAULT that you are cheating on him. Also, I really don't believe anything you say, because I know what you are. You are woman cheating on her H, trying to justify actions that are NOT justifiable.

If you don't want to be married to your H, divorce him. I'd recommend you move your "BF" (as in "boyfriend") out of your house, tell your H what happened, and work on your marriage for two years first.

teagan,

The first part of your post....about your H's attraction to a teen aged girl is disturbing. Your marriage never recovered from it....because your H refused to even talk about it. And here's where I'm confused. Your husband has an inappropriate (likely statutory) relationship with a teen ager. He won't talk about it....but you STAY with him anyway. You don't enforce any kind of boundary that states you won't stay married without complete honesty, and counseling. You stay in this unrecovered marriage....that you had every right to leave when he wouldn't enter counseling you. And then....you don't think you ever loved him....because all of that certainly destroyed all the love you two had.

Instead....you stay married in the most vulnerable and unhealed marriage....but move a man you're attracted to into your home! No wonder your mother was upset. And now, you think this whole mess is about "love"?

Everyone who comes here says their situation is "different". The relationship they have with the OP is the real thing. Please understand, that once you've been here for a long time....the patterns are unmistakeable. Truly, you sound exactly like every wayward spouse I've ever spoken to....and you say exactly the same things. We call it the wayward spouse script because the language is so similar. Here are are some of the things that are repeated over and over:

*The rewriting of history: Not only will a WS say they don't love their spouse....but they say they were NEVER in love with their spouse.

I have no doubt that you honestly believe this is true right now. I ask people to dig out their wedding photos and videos....and try and relive those moments and say the same thing. Look at the joy on your face when you married.

*foggy glasses:Researchers can now tell what happens in brain chemistry during infatuation. The powerful stimulants your body produces, and the low levels of sertonin....create both feelings of addiction and obsessiveness. It's your evolutionary brain telling you to mate....but don't mistake that with lasting love. That same chemistry makes it impossible for you to even recall what your feelings for husband really were. The only way you can remember is to get away from your affair partner long enough for your biochemistry to return to normal. Because here's the other thing....that chemical cocktail also makes it impossible for you to see faults of the OP and it blocks logical decision making.

*We'll beat the odds: Marriages/romances that begin as affairs don't last. The reason they don't last is because they're based on fantasy and deception. It's next to impossible to build a healthy relationship when you start as an affair. Only three percent of affair marriages last beyond 5 years. And you know what happens then? You'll be past the infatuation stage with your OP and vulnerable to another affair because you don't feel like you're "in love".

*Being "in" love is the only real love: The infatuation stage is what most people associate with being "in love". But that stage only lasts for 18 to 36 months, and then you'll be back to wondering if you were ever in love. If you want to feel the "high"s of new love forever....you'll have to change partners appoximately every two years. God didn't wire us to be infatuated indefinitely....lasting love moves out of that stage and into the deep bonds (attachment) needed to raise children and withstand challenges.

You don't mention children. Are their children in this mix?

You are not ready for any relationship right now. You need to separate from both of these men and go back and do things the right way. Give your H a chance to go to counseling with you and open up about his affair with this girl (child!!). Or if you don't want him.....divorce him....but you don't get to date your house guest while you do that!

If you don't want you husband....fine....but don't commit adultery and begin another relationship that way. Find out who you are and get some individual counseling to find out why you're sabotaging your own happiness.

Even if your H is a pedophile. Even if the OP is your soul mate. Even if it feels right to be with your affair partner....it isn't right. And it isn't moral. And it isn't smart. And it isn't honest or honorable.

You and your husband never got over the first part....which makes the second part....pretty predictable. I'm not even telling you that your marriage is worth saving....I don't know....that's a pretty big hurdle to cross. What I am telling is not to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Your relationship with your OP is wrong....on many levels. The OP needs to move out. Or you need to move out. You need to end all contact with the OP until you can decide what you want to do with your husband, or until you divorce you husband. That's the only ethical in front of you.

Ok, I realized that by putting my story up on this site I would get lectured - and rightly so. I am not having a physical affair, but you are right, Tyk, it is an emotional affair. It did take me by surprise. I am shut down from my H because he did the same 3 years ago. I do not believe we are beyond hope, and we do need counseling. He does not want it, probably because he doesn't want to rehash what really went wrong. I know I have committed adultery in my mind, which God says is the same. We have no children, so I do not have to worry about affecting them. I have no extra money for professional counseling. I can talk to my pastor and his wife - but the girl my H was attracted to is their child. I have talked to my parents also - and they haven't said so - but I feel they believe my H attraction to this teen is disturbing too. My mom, however, tells me that countless women in our family endured marriages where there was no love and countless affairs on their husbands' part. I don't want to endure.

I welcome any more insights or lectures. I need the lectures and insights because I feel like a coward right now. I don't want to ruin his ministry with the teens, but he did that anyway - its just not public.

I know being "in love" is not the only love and is not the deepest love out there. It is powerful. I know I sound like every other WS out there. I just don't know how I want to proceed. My heart just wants to give up on my marriage, partly because H denies his attraction to the teen, and partly because I don't know how or if I want to forgive him if he confesses or not. I know God wants me to forgive, but because of my past relationships, I find this a hurdle to large to overcome.

The way my H has reacted (or not reacted) to the confessions I have made, disturbs me and does not encourage me to push on. After I shared my feelings, he goes on like nothing has happened - probably a defense mechanism. I am gathering my courage to share more with him.

Surely you can see that the absolute last thing you need in your life is your infidelity to deal with? Get your BF out of your home, tell your H what happened, and begin to take constructive and decisive steps in your marriage. That does not mean stay married to a child predator, either, but I think before you can deal with your marital issues, you have to deal with YOUR issues.

Teagan,

Star*fish and Tyk have given you a boatload of corrections and suggestions that it might be good to begin exploring before you seek additional insights.

I'm learning right along with you and again, I suggest you find a professional who can help you individually first and then you can begin the next steps.

Ace

What? I don't understand what you mean.

We all have a moral obligation to protect children from harm if we have knowledge that someone close to children poses a threat.

I agree with you Pepperband - but H has not admitted to the problem. DCFS dropped the charges. Do I just assume the worst? Even if he never confesses? I am scared of doing harm when it was nothing. Yes, I am confused - terribly confused on how to proceed. I am reading the insights given already and deciding on the appropriate action. BF needs to move out - that is for sure. I will update when I have taken action. Thank you all.

Try looking at this discussion objectively:


THIS LINK

Specifically, identify Renter/Renter marriage characteristics .... and what happens when one spouse makes sacrifice after sacrifice in the marriage.

I hope you can see where you created the marriage you have, in part, by your willingness to sacrifice.

Thank you Pepperband. That article has sorted a few things out in my head. I am going to construct a letter to my H, confessing all. I can express myself better in writing than when speaking.

Be aware, your husband is not currently, and probably never has been a "buyer" .... just so you know

Excellent. That is the beginning to everything.

Good job on producing that article Pep.

GREAT post Starfish and so true.

I have composed my letter. I am going to pray over it for a week and then give it to H. Thank you all.

Pepperband,
You are right. I do not believe my H has ever been a buyer and have serious doubts he will ever be one. I started browsing other discussions on this site and stumbled across passive-aggressive behavior. I read the description and with tears streaming down my face admitted that my H is passive-aggressive and my behavior has contributed to the problem. From here on out - my behavior will not contribute to the problem. Thank you again to the whole MB website and all its contributers.

How's it going Teagan?

My FWH and I are struggling to overcome PA behaviors, too. It took years for these to become ingrained and it will take awhile to defeat them.....but being aware (and learning to identify them and then apologize) has helped us and will help both of you.

The Freeloader/Renter/Buyer concepts Pep shared will help, too.

Looking forward to an update when you can share your progress.

Ace

I gave the letter to my H. He read it and will think it over for a week. We are going to have a discussion on Saturday. I just have to be strong. This is another one of his passive aggressive behaviors - procrastination and ignoring the issues - thinking I will forget and everything will be normal soon.

I was pretty firm in the letter. I told him that I wanted him to get professional help for the PA and that we needed help as well - or its divorce. I hope he takes this seriously. Up to this point it has been a joke or he just hopes it goes away so he doesn't have to deal with it.

Gave my letter to my H - he read it. I flat out stated I believed he had at least an EA with the teen girl. He finally admitted to that. I knew it - and still have serious doubts that it didnt go further. Don't know if I should push it further or not. I admitted my EA with my best friend. He isnt showing that he is hurt or maybe he isnt. He blames himself and wouldnt blame me if I divorced him. Except, he says God wants us to stay together cause marriage is final. But how can I trust him with teen girls anymore? Don't know if I should stay with him or not. He isnt sure whether he wants counseling or not. I think he just wants to keep his job and avoid embarassment.