W knows she is a controller, and not just about interaction with the opposite sex. Her mother was also a controller and still tries to control. With her mother I let it be known early in the marriage (29 years now) that she could not control me, but I let my wife control things to a certain extent to keep peace. <BR>I understand she feels threatened by OW and it is not just about control. W's concern with all other women whom she doesn't know I believe stems from her own family (as we have learned through talking) where there was infidelity. She has not told me I couldn't interact with other women in the past, she has just let me know she didn't like it, unless again it was one of her friends. However, she also has told me she trusts me to not do anything, but it is possible that she really doesn't trust me because of her own family's experience, even though she knows I wouldn't. We have discussed this one very thoroughly. <BR>

I know you said you are good friends with the OW and would never cross that line with her.<P>I was good friends with my OM and also thought I would never cross that line. The feelings came in and then the fantancies of "us" and would it be like and then I started having dreams. <P>Not sure if you've had any dreams or anything but looking back now I should of ran the other way.

If it is your intention to stay married, then filter what you say and do through this simple question.<P>IS THIS THE BEST WAY I CAN HONOR MY MARRIAGE?<P>If yes, than no problem. If something makes you happy, but does honor your marriage, then you got to question your priorities.<P>Your right, marriage is sacred....and some days what you have to do to keep it sacred seems downright unfair, but that's the way it is.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

My H recently said something interesting. He told me that he doesn't think it is possible to become just good friends with another woman...maybe couple's friends, but not solely a woman friend. It can pose a threat to a marriage's welfare and that risk isn't worth it. He is the betrayer in our marriage and is talking from experince.<P>If you want to be best friends with someone of the opposite sex, then be your wife's best friend.<P>I'm sure that if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't want your wife doing things by herself with some other man. Imagine yourself in her shoes for once, then maybe you will understand what everyone here is talking about.<P>If you truly love your wife, as you say you do, consider your wife's feelings and stop making her feel so threatened by the presence of the OW.

Thanks for responding NoTrust. My wife and I are good friends. I don't know that I am her best friend but I am her best male friend. She is my best female friend. She is also my wife and I care for her very much, as she cares for me. We enjoy each other's company and enjoy going to movies or concerts together when she feels up to it (she has physical limitations and is tired all the time). She counts on me to help her do a lot of things she cannot do. We watch college and professional baseball together occasionally. We share jokes, and even e-mail from her friends on our problems. I do all the cooking and almost all of the housework. <P>Since she cannot participate with me in my sports and she now sees this woman as a threat she wants me to stop all contact. I consider this woman a very good friend. The fact that she is of the opposite sex should not be a reason to cut it off. W has no problem with me hanging out with other women who are her friends, just this one who was not her friend first. <P>As to how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I have thought long and hard about that. I told her early on, as well as our counselor, I do not believe that I would ask W to sever her relationship with a friend, especially where that relationship was beneficial to her and fulfilled a need because I could not. I guess if I knew she was sleeping with that friend, then I would question our relationship. On the other hand, if I could not meet one or more of her essential needs, I don't know that I would hold her back from pursuing that need. If that meant leaving me, I would not stop her and would give her my blessing. That is how I view my love for her. It is kind of like that quote, and pardon me for not knowing the exact words, but it essentially is about letting someone go and if they do not return they were never yours, and if they return then they are yours forever (something like that anyway). <P>As to your husband's comments on opposite sex friends, many of the people I know believe it is entirely possible, but it is not something that will work for everyone. It gets back to trust. We must be able to rise above the temptations because they will always be there no matter what we do. As long as we trust in ourselves and God to not violate that trust, and we trust our spouses to do the same, I believe it is possible. <P>The message I feel from a spouse who tells me I cannot have a female friend is telling me I am not trustworthy. That then makes me question our marriage that we cannot trust one another. For many years when my wife was out to all hours with her male friends (business supposedly) I had to trust her. <P>Enough rambling.<P>Thanks again for the post. <P>Again, thanks.

Since you said there is reason for your wife to feel threatened, then maybe you are untrustworthy...at the very least emotionally.<P>But what you seem to be saying in your post was the idea that you say you would let your spouse leave you if "it was best for her" in effect. <P>Is that it? Do you feel guilty leaving your wife, but do you wish she would see it as "best for you" to pursue another life and let you go? Do you honestly think that would be a sign she truly loved you?<P>Do you wish she would release you from this marriage so you wouldn't have to make the decision ultimately?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13<p>[This message has been edited by Faith Hope Love (edited October 16, 1999).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The message I feel from a spouse who tells me I cannot have a female friend is telling me I am not trustworthy. That then makes me question our marriage that we cannot<BR> trust one another. For many years when my wife was out to all hours with her male<BR> friends (business supposedly) I had to trust her. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ouch. This hits close to home, and this is my H's view of our situation in a nutshell. He too believes that me questioning his friendship with another woman means I don't trust him. <P>I think that rather, it means that we're all human and that things happen...and sometimes it takes great internal strength to stop it from happening. PS -- if my H had EVEN ONCE said anything about my friends bothering him, I would have done something about it, because his feelings are more important to me than any external relationships. I can have female friends that aren't a threat. It's not worth it.

Thank you for your comments. I do not want to leave my wife, I merely want to continue my friendships with other people of both sexes. I am not looking for W to bless my leaving since I have no intention to do so. <P>However, I will answer your message, FHL, which said "Is that it? Do you feel guilty leaving your wife, but do you wish she would see it as "best for you" to pursue another life and let you go? Do you honestly think that would be a sign she truly loved you?" I will answer it from how I would look at it if I were letting my wife go. <P>I would see it as a sign that I truly loved her if I could not meet some of her most important emotional needs so I turn her loose (so to speak). It would not eliminate the guilt she would probably feel, but it would relieve my guilt at not being able to meet her needs. I would still value her friendship and would do whatever I could to relieve her guilt. I would not want to totally eliminate her from my life. I would expect that the friendship we have developed over the years would remain. I have seen this type of relationship in several of our friends who have divorced but who have maintained their friendship. These couples' situations were such that they respected, cared, and even loved each other, but could not be a married couple. In at least one case, they continue to occasionally travel together on vacations (neither has remarried). <P>On the other hand, if my wife chose to stay with me then that would be fine, but I would not want any guilt on her part, or anger and frustration because I could not fulfill her needs. I would also want her to continue to meet those needs however she chose. <P>Love has many facets and glows in many ways, and is different for each of us. <BR>

Yup, with that attitude, you are headed for trouble.<P>Recheck those wedding vows, without a rewrite your attitude can not coexist within the spirit of them.<P>Sounds like you are having a mid life crisis, to me.<P>One phrase you haven't used yet is "I love you, but I'm not "in" love with you."<P>Classic betrayer...emotionally you seem to be withdrawing from your marriage. If not for OW, then in general. <P>Best of luck figuring it all out.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Totally agree with the other two. My H was friends with a lesbian in a lesbian relationship, just "friends". If it can go from that to a sexual/emotional affair, than anything can. You can always find another close male friend, but can you just as easily find a wife who shares your loves, your memories, your children. It took many years to build that relationship. Just think-one slip and it's a long haul up again.