i would definitely think that her going to therapy would have to be a deal breaker otherwise, you will have more of the same back and forth you have had with her for years.

AND, she still calls you when everything is all messed up. how is she ever going to learn to be a big girl and take care of things herself if you keep helping her to do it?

classic co-dependent. i used to always do the same things as well until my therapist taught me a way to deal with it. instead of always giving solutions, when she calls you and says she is having money problems, problems this problems that, you simply say to her "ok, i am listening. so, how do you plan to deal with these things?" and let HER figure it out. believe it or not, that is actually loving someone. letting her be a big girl and take care of her own problems is a very big way for you to help her.

it still sounds like you are trying to take care of her.

and she still sounds extremely unbalanced.

i think it is great if you want to learn all about BPD however, it matters not if she doesn't agree to treatment. you can't help her if she is not willing to help herself on that one.

you have come too far to end up right back in the same relationship you were in before.

mlhb

I so agree with mlhb. What you are describing is NOT healthy, for either of you! All you're doing is continuing the same co-dependent BS that was destructive to both of you. She will never grow up like this. You really need to consider not talking to her for awhile. I'm serious. Quit being her father. Quit making her think you will protect her, pick up the pieces, let her slide and be selfish and self-centered. None of that will make her turn into a good partner, and you'll just get the same broken girl back, instead of a healthy, loving wife.

Do it for her, if you really love her as much as you say you do. All I see right now is someone who wants to stop being lonely. Make that two of you who want to stop being lonely.

Tell her you will call her once a month for the next 12 months, on a Sunday afternoon the first Sunday of each month, at noon. Something like that. Make her have to take care of herself and find her own solutions.

Personally, if she is bi-polar I would run run run the other way.

I was once in a relationship with a BPD -- nightmare.
You constantly get to be the hero, though. Because you are constantly bailing them out of whatever they have gotten themselves into. They are just NOT good relationship material.

Now, if she gets herself treated and medicated that might be a different story. But she doesn't sound like she's even started that process.

It might be more useful for you to explore your need to save her all the time. Ask your therapist about "knight in shining armor" syndrome. I'm not trying to diagnose you -- but I think that is the source of your "strong" connection.

Her neediness and your need to be needed.

Sorry, I completely agree with the others. It is still all about her. "I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm broke - how dare you not ask me about my new BF?".

She is still viewing you as her dad, not a good role for you to be in.

Past suicide attempts? Man, I'm with Lexxxy - I'd be running away as fast and as far as possible. Way way way too much baggage with this woman. The more you invest with her, the more caught up in the drama you will be. If you want a life full of drama though, she's the one.

I know you won't like this response, but from the outside looking in, this is nothing but trouble. She is not the Prize you think she is.

AGG

lexxy, i agree with that.

he does "need to be needed" and to "save" her.

at one time eyes, you said you actually liked the drama. is that still true?

are you in therapy as well because i cannot remember if you said you were? if you are, have you even touched yet on how you feel the need to father your exw and to constantly come to her rescue? you see it as loving her and caring for her, but anyone else from the outside see it for what it is: your need to be needed by her and to save and protect her like you would a daughter.

mlhb

and yes, we are all being brutally honest here, but what good are we if we are not?

Just to pile some more on....

Enablers always think the are "helping" by fixing problems, bailing out, finding solutions.

In reality, the greatest "help" you can give someone is letting them learn to fix things themselves. They will never learn the skills they need to get by in life, if their Enablers are always stepping in and doing it for them.

She's made some choices and is suffering the consequences. Let her learn how to fix this herself. It doesn't just take a phone call to you. Let her learn to do the work.