Ok well i have decided since i didn't like my depressing title any longer i would just start a new thread and hopefully a new chapter in all of this.

WH is still seeing OW. The other night he stopped by to pick of his laundry that he left behind...no i did not do it. Well i had been close to a nervous break down and mutual friend of ours came by to sit with me. Well when he got her he wasn't too happy about that but she went and talked to him. He told her he would love to come home but he is stuck in a situation that he doesn't know how to get out of. He told her the more time he spends with OW the more he wants to be home with me and the baby but he is afraid of my changes not sticking.

Why is it that a WS feels that the BS won't change?

She then said that she thinks i need to get away.... my parents live about an hour and half from here and she asked if he would let me leave for a while to be with them. He said he thought that would be a great idea and that he would like to use that time to get away from the OW and try and clear his head as well. He wants to come and stay at the house..... now i know y'all will think i am nutz but i told him only thing i ask is that she not come on this property..... my sitter/neighbor said she will watch the house as will friends of mine and cop friends of mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think it is a GREAT idea to go see your family. Don't count on him "clearing his head" though. He could easily do that with you in the home.

And don't be disappointed when OW comes to your home and sleeps in your bed.

Sounds like a bunch of fog & babble.....blah blah blah blah blah.....he can end the A whenever he wants!



He is trying to justify his A....don't buy into his babble. He is the one refusing to change by stay in the A.

Sorry, but your husband is the typical whiney WS.

What happened with your job? I think I missed it.

And is he paying support for your beautiful little one?

my job is in limbo..... my boss has to go out of town too much this month to let me go.....

as for the money he still puts all of his paycheck in the joint account and doesn't take any out..... i have been monitoring it ... his check is direct deposit so i have been able to to keep paying the bills.

Well, that's all good. I think it would be good to go see your parents and get away from everything.

But don't expect the affairees to have any respect for your home. For some reason, the OW just LOVES to stink up the marital home.

Believer i wouldn't be surprised i know she has already been here but i also know that they both work this weekend and she has a 4 y/o at home as she is a single parent as well.

I am fully aware of that aspect. As far as going into plan B well my plan A has been far from great. I wish i had TMTS style in this area but i am going to try and take a lead from him as he is one of my inspirations here.

Today was a start to all of that. Yesterday he came to watch the baby for a few hours as i had to go to work. Well of course i did the wrong thing and got upset when he left and he started to yell and yada yada. Well he then proceeded to text me off and on all afternoon and night and even appologized for his actions.

Then this am he showed back up at 6:30 as i had to go to work again. Both mornings he complamented me on how nice i looked saying "wow you look really good." I said thank you both times and left to go to work. Well today instead of getting up to run out when i came home he sat around the house for awhile. He looked really tired so i told him to go take a nap and he said no you are the one that has got to be exhausted with taking care of the house the baby and the dogs. I told him no biggie go take a nap. Well he went in and napped and got up 3 hours later. I went into the room and sat on the bed next to him and just rubbed is belly.... he just smiled and at me.

We then had a nice lunch/dinner here and then watched a movie. Well that started a tickle fight.... i should say he started it. At any rate when he went to leave he gave me a big hug and said he hoped to have another tickle fight again soon so he show who the real winner was. THen he hugged me again and gave me a kiss on the forehead. He kept turning back like he didn't want to leave but this time i did not cry and i did not ask him to stay longer. We just smiled and he said he would talk to me later tonight if that was ok.

So apparently this is what he wants from me and what i should have been doing in my plan A all along no R talk no A talk and no talk about where he was going or what he was doing or the OW. Maybe then i would be in a better spot than i am now. I have no expectations that he will call or text me later.

i will let him do all the contacting and just see where things go. Hopefully this helps cause from what i know there is trouble in A-land but he just doesn't want to talk about it.

I dunno i think i am going to try and kick up my plan A game and try and follow some of TMTS examples to see if i can get things going better as he is noticing changes in me and if and when i go into a full plan B he will truely see what he will be missing.

Sounds like you did very well. Set a date for how long you are going to do Plan A. That will help you stick to it.

you are correct there.... today was a good day and i just need to keep those feelings of dislike and distain about the OW out of what we do and when we spend time together. That was the problem the first time around i did not ste boundaries that were strong enough and i would let my anxious feeling about what he was doing with her get to me and let them out in LB and AO instead of focusing on me and my daughter.... i am going to work better on that.

Just remember that affairs always end. You want to be the attractive alternative when that happens.

That is my intended goal.... just got done talking to his mom again.... she keeps saying she just hopes he comes home soon. She is sad by all of this and she keeps saying if she ever gets a hold of the B**** she is gonna let her have it. Mind you she is a 4'11 italian woman i would not want to cross. She just says how much she loves me and loves me like a daughter and is so sorry for this happening.

Oh good. Often the family "just wants them to be happy".

Sounds promising.

You are truly blessed with your MIL.

My FIL always told me that he loved me like a daughter. I thought we were pretty close for all these years.

But when push came to shove, he was the first to bail. He gave up on my marriage the very minute FWS said he wanted out of the marriage.

The few times I talked with FIL, he just kept telling me that he hoped "we" (meaning me) would all get along for the kids sake. I wanted to scream, "If you're so concerned about the kids, how about telling your son you are destroying their lives!!!"

Hey Loving...I'm so glad you are doing better. Please do your best to stay in this positive frame of mind, and do not be too hard on yourself for getting upset in the past. You just had a baby and suffered post pardum depression. You have been left with a new baby and a home and job to handle all on your own. You are scared! But you don't need to be scared anymore! You are strong, and you will be OK.

The way you were with him tonight will get him home sooner than anything else you could do right now. He is scared to face the reality of the mess he has created. As long as you create a safe environment for him to land when he falls, and he WILL fall, you will have the tools from this site to help repair the damage. I pray it will happen soon for you.

Take care of that beautiful baby and yourself!

SNB- You are correct about being lucky. They have told him that they don't approve but he never told them that he continued to see the OW. I told them that last week and the what not. I know they love me and they also love their son. His mom just keeps telling me that she wishes he would come home. She and i both know we can't control his actions.

LaLa- Yes i am doing better the last few days i am not sure if it was the inspiration of TMTS or what that helped put me there but i am also trying to listent to ark's post about being still. I know that my plan A was ok cause he has noticed changes but he wanted more out of it and i know how to show him it. I know it is going to be difficult but i also know that when i put my mind to it i can do anything. I got a masters degree right out of high school in 5 yrs and am currently practicing medicine. If i can do that i know i can do anything and trust me i can do any thing when i put my whole heart, soul, and mind into it.

I know i will have some down times and that is to be expected and i will post them on here and not take them out on anyone else especially let him know how i really feel when i am down.

Ok well not much of an update today. Apparently my WH was was in a great mood yesterday at work and for the first time in a long time was very productive. A friend of mine said he wasn't on the phone at all and the only time he text actually correspond to the time i was texting him. She had actually sent me a text to see if i was sending him messages or not. I did talk to him on the phone for a few mins last night and he was in a great mood. I was tired so the converstation wasn't that long. He then sent a text message saying good nite. My friend things he was in a good mood because of how well things went with us on sunday. i can only hope i have no expectations at this point cause i don't want to be disappointed.

He is coming today to watch the baby for me cause i don't have anyone else to watch her.

Oh before i forget.... not that this is my problem but apparently he is living out of his car. He stays at various ppls houses for a short period of time and was even living in a hotel for a week..... i didn' tknow cause he wasn't using any of the money out of our checking account. I guess that is why he won't tell me where he is living. i know if people found out (ie his parents) they would be very upset. I am not going to say anything to him about it.

He goes today to his IC meeting and his doctor to get started on medicine. I hope he takes it i know it will help him.

At any rate the other question i have is v-day is around the corner.... do i get him a card or do i just ignore it. I was going to get him something from the baby and leave it for him at work cause he is supposed to work that day. Should i do that or should i just let it go? WHat do you all think?

Hi Loving,

Believer mentioned to set your time limit and then Plan A like a madwoman....well maybe 'Plan A like an intense person' is a better description.

Actions speak. Pay little attention to his words.

Hang in there.

Ace

PS It would seem to me that if you're not in Plan B then you should include V day in your Plan A. Maybe others will give better suggestions...but that's MVHO.

Hey Ace thanks for checking in.

I totally know what you mean about pay attention to his actions not his words but it is just so hard to not listen to what he says. He keeps telling me there is hope there is hope..... i am supposed to have my baby baptised March 9 with both his family and mine there i have NO idea how that is going to work as my family wants to KILL him. He swore to them that he would never hurt me and all they see is how much he is hurting me. My mom says she wants him to feel the pain that i feel but he will never do that. He is resourceful and will never suffer. He has yet to suffer since he left other than not seeing his dogs and his daughter daily. It is frustrating to keep hearing everyone tell me how crazy i am to be nice to him and what not.

It is just terrible frustrating.... i have to go cause i am not making any sense what so ever right now.

Well WH was her last night for a little bit and we got a chance to talk. He talked about his IC meeting and the fact that he is going to start on AD to help him focus and not feel so wishy washy about any decisions he is making. He said that he has seen the changes in me but he is afraid that hey won't last. It's hard to explain but i know what he is talking about. I grew up in a house that had an abusive father and he is afraid that i will turn back into that kind of person or that he isn't sure what would push me over the edge to freak out again. He has noticed that i haven't freaked out and what not but he isn't sure if what he is seeing is temporary or not. I told him that they aren't changes for you they are things that have to be done for me and for our DD i told him that i didn't want our DD to grow up like i did in fear of one parent but i did want her to grow up with both parents in the same out that love each other.

I told him that since i stared on my medicine i now feel like myself for the first time since i can remember. His reply was that he doesn't feel like himself. He feels like a completely different person and it is almost as if he is watching himself from the outside cause what he is right now is against everything he has ever stood for. He knows he has changed and he doesn't like it and that is what he is working on in IC. The one thing i don't like is the fact that she agrees with my WH that the OW has nothing to do with the decisions he has to make. They did discuss if he were to come home ways for him to come home. He didn't want to elaborate on a lot of stuff.

Oh and also he brought up to her and she told him not to fall for any of the games of me trying to play hard to get or trying to stop communication with him. She told him that is just a way for me to manipulate him into doing something that i want and not that he is willing to do yet. He told her that he feels he needs to make a decision soon and the IC told him that he doesn't and she doesn't want him to make a decision anytime soon that they are making progress it is just slow going and ppl will just have to accept that.

I don't buy the "living out of his car" story. I'll be very surprised if it is true. He may be living with the OW.

If a spouse won't tell you where they are living, chances are it is with the OP. My ex hid and lied about where he was living for several years. He was living with the OW. He STILL won't admit it, even though I found their love shack and caught them in bed.

Hang in there. At least he is getting some kind of counseling. His counselor is right that it isn't the OW - it IS something in him. One OW would have been as good as another.