Loving,

Hang in there and keep posting your thoughts. Even though I don't know what to tell you, I am reading all and will continue to pray for you.

Ace

Edited to add: I gotta learn this stuff faster....thanks for your insights, Believer.

Believer trust me i know what you mean about him living with her. I have told him that is where i think he is living.

As far as the counsling is going i am not sure what to say. I am just hoping him taking the AD will help with his anxiety to come home. Him saying that he feels like he is standing on the outside looking at a person he can't stand makes me think that he does see what he is doing is wrong but yet he continues to do it.. He has told friends of ours that he doesn't want me to date but he can't stop seeing this other person cause he is afraid of being alone.

He still still text me and calls me and asks my advice on certain things. I guess he is just cake eating. He is hopin that the medicine will help him think more clearly and relieve his anxiety. I just hope that is for him to come home but i have to be realistic and think that it could be the other way around.

Well not not much to report today. I am coming to a peace the last few days. I am not sure why but i hope it keeps up.

Last night my WH text me non-stop for an hour and a half about nothing and tell him how good i am at certain things and what not. He was flirty and what not. I am sure it means nothing and i don't have any expectations i have hope but i keep feeling that that is pointless at times. I assume he is living with OW that is why he won't tell anyone where he is at all. It stinks but this is the live that God has delt me at the moment.

I will be going to my parents house for the weekend so i won't have accesss to a computer. It will be good to just get away for a few days and away from all the drama of everything.

I have a question for once instead of just journaling. Does a WS internal conflict mean anything as far as hope of recovering the marriage? Is it all just smokescreens or is it a good sign that by working the steps (Plan A and B) that there is a chance that the marriage will or could be saved?

I know my daughter an i will be fine no matter what the out come. This week anyways that is how i feel.... i guess i am on an uphill of the roller coaster or something who knows.

Hi Loving,

I have a suggestion....maybe if you entitle your thread "A question for WS's about internal conflict", experienced FWS posters might take note. I almost didn't read it because I thought you were calling out for a poster named 'once'.

Just an idea.

Ace

Thanks Ace i really appreciated that input.... i now see how you were looking at it and i am glad you pointed it out to me.

OOoops.....Loving, I meant to suggest you call out to "FWS" as you won't get many WS's to post.

In the meantime, there is a FWW poster who put a glimpse of her struggle on the recovery forum.

Her name is Life Choice and here is the link that might help you.

Feeling Smug....so is it wrong?

Hope that helps a little .....be patient, others will be by soon.

Sorry so little time but I'm at work....will check in with you tonight.

Ace

Yes, the internal struggle is a good thing. All of the nice things that W2S used to do for me were agonizing at the time. I knew I didn't deserve it. The internal struggle pushes you to do the right things, and when you keep doing the wrong things, the struggle gets more intense. That is why Plan A is successful. It shows you to be the light for the WS to find their way back home.

I like the analogy that the WS is in a dark forest trying to find their way out. You are the light at the edge of the forrest that helps them (us) find their (our) way.

Yes, it works...it worked for us!

Hi Loving,

There's a thread that just resurfaced called "It's Curtains for LG". He is a FWH who shared his story last year. If you don't see in on the first 3 pages, it is linked to the Success Stories thread linked to my sig line.

Resonance had some insights that the conflict was a good thing for her. LG said the same thing. Were you able to read LC's account on the recovery forum?

There are more...I'll keep searching.

Ace

LaLa thanks as always for your wonderful insite into everything.... it is as always greatly appreciated.

Ace thanks for all your help with this i appreciate it.

WH told me today that this isn't about me any more he sees my changes it is not about what is inside of him and him getting over his hurt and anger about everything. I will just have to wait and see what happens next. I will keep plugging away at everything and hope for the best but try and not expect anything.

Good plan, Loving....focus on what you can control...YOURSELF and your care for you DD. What's happening on the job situation?

Here's something else you might do in your journaling:

Make a list of the good things that you have that many other posters do not. Not to put others down, but to realize you have many blessings you may be taking forgranted.

WH is still paying the bills, right?

He is not indifferent, which is worse than hate.

He will contact you and is starting to babble about himself, not you.

You are getting peace in the midst of this...many cannot get that.


Your list may surprise you and help you keep going when you dip on the rollercoaster ride. (Just wait until you BOTH climb aboard if you wanna talk about 'dips'!) But that will be a good problem when it happens....and I think it will soon. I'll be praying for it at least.

Hope that helps. If you eventually share the list on your thread, it might help others help you even more.

Ace

Hey Ace,

Yes he is still helping with the bills he puts his pay checks in the bank and doesn't really take any out. I have been paying all the bills in the house as far as writting out a majority of the checks and what not.

He said he wants to come over to the house one night this week and go over the plans that i have to make things work in the future as far as getting us out of debt and spending time together and making sure that we are able to communicate. He said he is really interested in hearing what i have come up with. He also said that it doesn't mean anything.

We did talk a little bit more and he said he just doesn't know how to cope with me when i get upset for some reason he just shuts down. He said the only reaction he has for that is anger and he doesn't like it.

Other than that he said that he is considering moving to his parents house to live. He said he is tired of everything and it is just wearing on him and he knows it is wearing on me. He went out with his brother this weekend both nights. I don't know if that means anything or what but normally he would be with her i would assume but he wasn't.

I dunno i guess i am reading too much into this and am having expecations that there will be some magic lightbulb that brings him home soon. I guess i am totally wrong and i know that's not how this works but he tells me that he wants nothing more to come home and he is working on himself so that he will be able to do that but then he says in another breath that he just doesn't know that he has the strenght to do it any more. I hate this roller coaster of emotions it sucks so bad.

At any rate i will try and post my list of things to be greatful for and the things that i want to work on improving and continue to improve. I think it will definately help me out.

Well i don't know if there is any hope for us at this point. Tonight i got a call from a friend that saw the instant family out tonight. I tried calling WH on his cell and he didn't answer so i called the OW cell and she answered. I said " can i please talk to my husband?" she said excuse me and i repeated myself. She put him on the phone. He was being very vague infront of her and would not repeat what he told me yesterday about wanting to come home. she kept telling him to hang up he doesn't have to put up with a nut like me.

at any rate he called me back a while later to tell me that he did mean but he has to do things at his pace and if i can't deal with it then it's over if he has to make his decision now. It's not what he wants he wants to come home. He said he would talk to me later. Oh he also said he doesn't know how to trust my changes what happens when i stop taking my meds and i told him for the first time since i can ever remember i like myself i like who i am and what i am. That i don't want to stop the meds cause i like who i have become. He said he likes it too but how long will that last...yada yada.

Then we had this IM converstation.

Bella5967 (10:10:10 PM): thank you for calling me back
Bella5967 (10:10:58 PM): and i really mean it when i said good luck tomo.... i know you will be great
NJTazDevil76 (10:11:03 PM): welcome.
NJTazDevil76 (10:11:26 PM): thanks
Bella5967 (10:11:49 PM): i wish you nothing but the best ever WH...... and i hope you find that
NJTazDevil76 (10:12:03 PM): thanks
Bella5967 (10:13:51 PM): have a great night
NJTazDevil76 (10:14:26 PM): thanks.....
Bella5967 (10:15:14 PM): guess you are mad sorry i shouldn't have sent you any messages
NJTazDevil76 (10:15:51 PM): no..just dont know what to say
Bella5967 (10:17:38 PM): it's ok..... you don't have to say anything..... i just want you to do well tomo.... i always wanted you to successed
NJTazDevil76 (10:19:05 PM): ok..thanks...sorry
Bella5967 (10:19:10 PM): sorry for what
NJTazDevil76 (10:20:04 PM): eerything
NJTazDevil76 (10:20:11 PM): eerything
Bella5967 (10:21:54 PM): WH and i am sorry for everything .... i am sorry i hurt you
NJTazDevil76 (10:22:57 PM): ok
NJTazDevil76 (10:24:26 PM): i have a lot to b sorry for...
Bella5967 (10:34:15 PM): sorry i shouldn't have sent you any messages
NJTazDevil76 (10:35:13 PM): its fine..ill just talk to u later
Bella5967 (10:35:41 PM): yeah i'm sorry i know you are busy..... i will leave you be
NJTazDevil76 (10:36:44 PM): ill talk to u later
NJTazDevil76 (10:36:46 PM): im not busy! just lost right now.
NJTazDevil76 (10:40:45 PM): i a going to sleep
Bella5967 (10:43:19 PM): ok
Bella5967 (10:43:21 PM): goodnite


I saw something that Mimi said in a post about her FWH being lost.... what does that mean and how do you get them to find their way or do i just have to let time pass?

OMG..not only is your WH sounding EXACTLY LIKE MINE..your WH is with the same OW!!!

It's time for PLAN B for you..definitely time for PLAN B!!

I haven't kept up with your story but I think PLAN B would be PERFECT at this point!!

Better yet, how about a session with Steve Harley?

My OS is actual OVERALL doing FINE with his life. Thanks for asking. He continues to experience some BITTERNESS that concerns me. I couldn't and didn't go into a lot of detail of HIM and his life on that thread which would have divulged his anonymity. I probably said too much already. There's so much that I didn't say...which really made the judgments so UNFAIR...OH WELL...

Back to you, I don't think you SCREWED UP..

Your WH is the one that SCREWED up by having this AFFAIR...YUCK...and a PART of HIM knows this NOW...

In order for him to come home, he has to really SUFFER...he has to reach the very BOTTOM of the BARREL..

He has to begin to have to depend on THE HO for EVERYTHING..with NO RELIEF of his misery through contact with you...

I hope you are kidding that this OW is the same person..... I have some sort of sinking feeling that this isn't the first time she has done this tho. I understand about making him suffer.... that is what everyone is telling me has to happen.

I am trying to get the strength to do it but i am supposed to be having my daughters christening march 9th and i just don't know how i am going to do this with so much hate in the room.... the other fear i have is the OW coming. I just don't know what to do any more. I feel so lost.

His parents feel so bad for me and wish there was something they could do. He knows they don't approve of what he is doing but he is 31 and they can't make him do anything. These people were like a second set of parents. I have always treated them that way and love them that way. His mom is so sad and mad he is taking away her DIL and her granddaughter.

I think he is just waiting for some big large sum of money to come to him so he can pay for a lawyer and move on a D. I just feel that there is absolutely no hope today. He said he knows that I love him so much cause i wouldn't be fighting for our marriage the way that i am if i didn't. He just keeps saying he isn't ready to come home... yada yada, and that my love wasn't good enough for him. It hurts so much.

Just offering a little thinking adjustment LH4E:

You are not going to "make him suffer".

You are going to "allow him to suffer."

L4H,

I would follow Mimi's advice on plan B. He is just cake eating at this point. He's been telling you essentially the same thing for almost a month now, so to me he's not processing anything, he's just buying time.

As far as the christening goes, that is one huge boundary in my books and should be made clear to him that she is not welcome there. Get his parents involved in that if you need to.

You are doing just fine, you're being nice and sweet with him, and that is torturing him inside. He would want you to go with Plan FU and have all kinds of AOs and DJs.

Have you checked into abandonment laws? Have you talked to a L about a LSA?

Don't give up, you followed what happened with me, so you know it can all change on a dime.

Give the gorgeous baby of yours a big kiss for me.

((((Loving)))))

You know I am no expert on this (God knows, you know...heck EVERYBODY KNOWS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), but I have to agree that you need to start preparing for plan B. The only thing that makes me nervous is his IC saying for him not to fall for it and that you would be "manipulating" him if you did this. Yuck... Just wants me to say to the counselor "and he's not manipulating her by his wishy-washy actions????" ok, done venting on this counselor....

I am glad to hear you are doing better. You seem much stronger than in your earlier posts. Let's work to keep it that way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. And lets remember that Plan A is for us, to improve us...for me I didn't like myself before DDay, and hadn't for a long time. For the first time in a LONG TIME I am finally starting to love me...(but I have to admit it is a struggle....).

Anywho, just keep it up...and you know where to find me if you need to talk..or vent...or talk about something other than WS (if you notice I like to do that with Serenity...sometimes it is helpful for me to take a step out of this filth we've been thrusted in... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)...

not2fun

Well yesterday afternoon WH and i text all afternoon about what was going on. He said he hates a lot of things about his life right now yada yada..... he said he wishes he could say there was hope for us or that he was going to be able to come home but he just doesn't know. He said he wants to talk and tell me what is going on in his head and how he feels.

Later on he told me that i used to be the number one important person in his life but now our daughter was. I just don't get it any more i am just tired of crying i am so tired of the fight. He knows i love him and that i am doing everything i can to fight for our marriage. He sees it and appreciates it but he just doesn't know if that is what he wants or not any more.

I just want him to be happy i just wish he would let me be the one to do that but he won't and i can't force him to let me make him happy. He knows that and he said he wants to talk tonight.

Well this am i unfortunately had to call to have him come here cause DD has a fever and is coughing.... on top of it she is not vomiting... double yuck.... but this kid just keeps smiling. I have no one to watch her for a few hours while i run to the office to get what i need done so i had to call WH to come down her to watch her. He is living about an hour and half away from here and he said he will be down. I can't take her to the sitter this way and his parents won't watch her sick and everyone i usually ask is working today. I hated to call him and ask him to come down here to watch her but i had no choice.

I just don't want to fight with him any more. I just want him to come home i miss him so much. I feel like his new life is what he wants and not us. I am just feeling so hopeless right now.