I really feel like in your case PLAN B is definitely the answer to bring an end to his affair.

Have you read my story?

It's long..most helpful are Mortarman's posts to me about PLAN B..

I'll bump it up for you...

Hey, Mimi....


If you haven't, could you please link it to the Success Stories thread. Or is it OK if I do?

Thanks.

***

Praying for you, Loving.....I'll be here to support you regardless what happens.....and I'm learning as fast as I can so I can do more than bump and support.

Thanks,
Ace

Ace:

It' OK if you link it...

Ace thanks for your posts as always it is nice to know there are ppl out their who care about it.

Mimi i am slowly going through your thread it is kinda funny what is going on there.


Now a situation has arisin. Where he works the people can't stand what he is doing to me and today they wrote on the Message board ... a comment about that everyone would know is about him and her and her being a homewrecker.

What usually happens to WS when they get pressure at work?

This is GREAT news. Any pressure on them to end the A is fantastic...thank God there are a few people out there with their heads on straight! Most people just look the other way. I don't know if there is much more you can do in that area, other than go to the Director of HR if things are happening on company time, using company resources... I assume they work together? I can't remember for sure, though. One of the conditions of his moving back into the marital home, though, (or ending Plan B) should be him quitting that job and finding another. So, pressure from co-workers is fantastic!

I agree with everyone about Plan B, hon. You cannot live like this any more. You are going to suffer greatly if you try. Don't be afraid of taking back control of your life. You may not feel strong now, but you will once you are insulated from his drama.

Personally, I think you should move back closer to your family anyways, so you can have their support. Your job is shakey and his needs to be replaced, so it may be the perfect time for a move. He can join you if he wants, or not. Put the house up for sale and file for LSA so that he has light visitation (make it a stipulation that before the D is final, your baby cannot be around the warthog...sorry SS, had to use it!).

Read Mimi's Plan B thread and Mortarman's. I wrote a pretty long post to Not2fun a few days ago about Plan B as I understand it. As hard as Plan A is, Plan B seems much harder to maintain. You have to be strong for your sanity and dignity. It is human nature to want what you can't have (especially when it is something you once had, and sometimes miss)...but it is also human nature to push away anyone who clings, begs or pleads for them to come back. You have to show him you are STRONG!! He HAS to see that...it is ESSENTIAL for this to be a success. He will try everything to get to you. He likes his cake-eating life right now and will freak out at your show of strength. Be ready!!!

LaLa.... thanks for the post.... trust me where he works the department head knows and he and teh OW work for different companies..... They run into each other occassionally at one of the hospitals but that is it.

There are people where he works that want to KILL him.... they think he is being so stupid about the whole situation and they plan on putting pressure on her and on him. She is a real piece of work and she will give them a run for their money but my friends don't back down at all and can be mouthy right back at them. I just wonder if it will be enough.

As for as Plan B. Well i am working up to that. I am going to start by not taking his calls and text messages. His counsler told him not to fall for the distancing thing tho that is would just be manipulative on my part. She knows that he is living with the OW and she said that is ok cause he is starting to think rationally and she sees progress even if there is no formal decision yet. What a NUT job i found him.... someone that agrees with him.... YUCK.

It's comical the way that your WH is behaving. He is a true fence-sitter and won't make a decision until you force him to. If I were you, I would get a good lawyer, file for a legal separation (or divorce) and get full custody, get the max spousal and child support, get full use of the marital home, and get an order to keep OW away from your child. I guarantee that he will crumble like a house of cards. Right now he feels that he is in control. You need to take the control back and he will fall apart. Right now you've got him over a barrell for abandonment. Get your papers filed, lock him out of the house, and go to plan B. I would tell his parents that he can come back as long as he agrees to NC w/ OW, so they continue to put pressure on him.

Let me ask you a question...who told you what the counselor said? Him? If it was him, waywards have a way of hearing what they want to hear and nothing else. Not to mention that they LIE! So either what he told you is a lie or he is twisting her words OR she is a nut job.

Ya know what? I would call her and ask her point blank. if she admits saying these things, I would let her know that she is encouraging a husband to stay in an adulterous relationship and that he has abandoned you and his 4-month-old baby. Tell her that she will be summoned for testimony if you go to D, and that she will be asked to explain her position and her credentials. Tell her you are heeding the advice of a world-renowned marriage councelor who has helped countless couples recover after infidelity, and that by telling him you being distant is actually manipulative would be contradictory to this DOCTOR'S RECOMMENDATIONS. Be very strong, but calm, and tell her that you are not trying to manipulate your husband, you are trying to save your family. Personally, I would add that she should educate herself on the devastation of infidelity and more importantly how to repair the married couple before she offers such lame advice (but that's just me). She will most likely tell him about the phone call, and he may be angry...but anything is better than this!! I'd be willing to bet she would be a little more careful about her "advice" from then on, though!

The people he works with will help, but it will most likely NOT be enough. He is in cake-eating land, and has no intention of getting out until he is faced with true consequences.

AMEN JIM!!! LH4E, you are doing yourself and your baby a grave disservice by not getting the abandonment issue on paper with a lawyer. Seriously!! Get an LSA, lock him out, call the "counselor" and take control of your life back!!

ps...sorry about calling you by your first screen name in my earlier post...I can't get used to the new name. To me, you'll always be Bella!

I don't agree with this approach. PLAN A..then PLAN B..to be most effective. You want to END your PLAN A with PLEASANT MEMORIES..So it goes SWEETNESS then DARKNESS..there's no working your way into PLAN B in order for this to be most effective for you, IMO.



Did HE tell you this? Remember, he's a LIAR. She probably said NO SUCH THING or else he's hearing what he wants to hear after lying to her. I told ya my H is like yours. He did the same sort of thing in counseling. Turns out the counselor had NO CLUE he was having an affair, after I called her irate after he left her office on Friday and didn't show up for the rest of the weekend, me thinking he was suicidal or something. She couldn't apologize enough. I say she was some POOR COUNSELOR. Excuse my vent-bad memory. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Counseling is USELESS for a wayward..just like it's USELESS for an alcoholic. He's looking for someone to justify his continued use of the drug is all and it would be easy to convince her. He's telling her how AWFUL you are and charming her and she's saying "YOU POOR THING, YOU"..YUCK..DOUBLE YUCK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mimi-so you agree she should call the counselor herself and say what I told her to say above? Only if the counselor admits to saying this crap, though...I told her he is probably lying about it. But if she admits to telling him this drivel, I think LH4E should confront her.

Lala:

I ABSOLUTELY agree with you about THAT counselor!! Counselors can be so HARMFUL if they are not well-trained!!

She should TELL her point blank if possible.

It's all like a BLUR to me now.. I was so UPSET... but I talked to/blasted my H's "COUNSELOR".....

List of things i am absolutely greatful for and thankful to have

1. My beautiful daughter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
2. 2 houses (one rented)
3. two great dogs
4. two great cars
5. great paying job
6. tons of friends to help and support me
7. my family who loves me
8. his family who loves me and supports me (to an extent(
9. For the most part i am able to pay my bills at the end of the month
10. I have food on my table and don't have to worry about that if i need food i can get it.
11. God to help me when i am at my lowest.

I did not ignore the above statements about the counsler. I work in healthcare so i am not sure if she will be able to talk to me or not due to the privacy act. I will try and call today and see what happens.

As for plan b i see your point.... i am just afraid that my plan a hasn't been good enough.... i mean he sees my changes and all but as for as the crying and being upset that hasn't been so good. i try my best but i am not so good at it. i need to work on that first.

Great list to focus on, Loving....whether you're in Plan A or B or in limbo. It will help you keep positive and striving for what you can control.

I'm praying for you.

Ace

I am doing my best not to expect anything but it is so hard

Well yesterday i came home from work and sitting on the kitchen table were gifts for me an DD from WH. Well my gift was from the "baby." It was a medium sized white teddy bear with a red rose. really cute and thoughtful.

Unfortunately my migrain from the day before did not go away and started to come back full force AGAIN. So WH called and asked what was wrong i told him and i said i think i need to go to the ER this time to get it taken care of. He said ok well let me know how you make out. I was SOOOOOO MAD. I said well it would be nice if i had my husband to take me and watch the baby while i was there. Well he started that he did't have anything down here to go to work the next day.... yada yada.... at any rate long story short we started to argue and his parents were at my house and they left saying that this was a mistake they would not make again by coming to my house. Oh well what can i say i was upset throwing up and sick and no one to help me out.

Well he came by and i was so upset we took the baby to a friends house and i was crying and sick and just so upset by this point i couldn't help it. I just let it all out in front of my friends and infront of him as to why was his instant family more important than my daughter and I. I couldn't understand it.

Fast forward... went to er got better he had left cause it was 10:30 and he had about an hour drive to get back. I called friend to pick me up and take the baby home.

On the way home my friend told me that she had spoken to my WH that day. He had told her that he hates living out of his car and he isn't really happy in his current situation. He wouldn't elaborate and she wasn't going to push the issue. I'm not sure if that means anything at all or not and i am doing my best to put this sitation in Gods hands to let him let this play out.

Mimi if you read this i konw what you mean when at one point you said you don't have the strenght. i feel like i don't have it right now. i am looking for it.

((((Loving)))))

You poor thing. I am so sorry you day was so bad, but I want you to remember that you DO have the strength. If I have it then you have it...

On another note, don't you HATE it when WS does something and labels it "from the kids"??? Ughghhg...My WS did that for christmas. Totally ticked me off. Thankfully he didn't do that yesterday. But don't you just want to scream at him "Why did you even bother if you are going to pull crap like this???".

Ok, sorry to do YOUR venting for you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />.

How's the migrane going today??? I hope better. And don't worry about the scene you created (actually he created...). This stuff is hard to get right 100% of the time, especially when you are sick...

Anyway, give the baby loves from me...and take care....

not2fun

I was glancing over at that thread of mine last night and I can hardly remember being that person. It mostly seems like a BAD DREAM.

I do know this for sure NOW....My then WH found ANY of my CRYING, BEGGING OR PLEADING highly UNATTRACTIVE. He became very, very attracted to the STRENGTH and sense of SELF-RESPECT that I developed during PLAN A. I think this was one of the PRIMARY REASONS that he fell in love with me so much again.

This doesn't fit with the way I thought it was or the way that we were taught does it? I used to think that a man is attracted by a NEEDY WOMAN. Not so. Yes, my H wants me to rely on HIM for support and protection but mainly he wants a HELPMATE. I'll never forget him saying to me: "I can't love a woman who does not respect herself".. That's why I'm always saying HEAD UP, CHEST OUT. You've got to develop YOUR GODDESS!!

But moreso, I encourage YOU at this point to do PLAN B. End up your PLAN A and go into a DARK, DARK PLAN B. Get yourself out of that TRIANGLE...Like you said, I couldn't take it anymore...YUCK..

Let us help you with that..and if you are reading my thread..you know how reluctant I was about PLAN B, too..but it really was THE ANSWER...for ME and for OUR MARRIAGE...

((((Loving))))

Good morning honey. I hope you have some fun plans for the weekend.

I thought some more about your post. Him telling your friend how he hates this...hmmmm. Sounds like crocodile tears to me. Self-induced "pity" party. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />....He knows the way home, he knows what to do, You just need to keep being the lighthouse to get him there. Even if that means going to Plan B.

Now I'm not preachin to the choir. I don't in any way, shape or form consider me an expect (and if you've been following my thread you know that is true... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). But I too do not like the way he is fence-sitting with you.

I actually don't understand everyone's aversion to Plan B. I would love to go there, but alas I haven't done a "stellar" Plan A yet. Getting there, learning about control, but I haven't quite perfected it yet.

Anyways, listen to the Vets. Have you read all of mimi's thread yet??? It is really an eye-opener. I see why she is so adament about her stance on all of this. She just wants us to learn from her mistakes (now I can say this without even having read her whole thread.....).

Ok...enough butt-kicking from me today. DD14 and I are going to talk about DDay today and I am going to expose. I am not excited about this to say the least, but it must be done. Actually, I don't really consider it exposure, since she over-heard everything that day. This is more like a "comfirmation" of what she already knows and a clarifing of any details she may have confused. No, I will not be justifing the A, I will not defend WS, just a simple stating of what is.

Anyway, I hope you have some fun "me" time this weekend....I'll be checking in later...

not2fun

DING-DING-DING!! Yea, you got it, Not2!!