This is my first post, I apologize for it being so long but I am really torn over the situation.

My wife and I have been married for 24 years and have three children, two in college, one in high school.

She is VERY passionate about kayaking and I've had no problem with it as it has been local paddling or camping out with a large group in the kayak club she belongs to. Many members of the club are married and kayak together.

Most of the time when she went camping out son went with her. I have little to no interest in kayaking.

She has a 6 day all girl camping trip scheduled for March which I was a little uncomfortable with but met a few of the girls and said what the heck, don't let me get in the way of what you love.

She has talked in the past about kayaking the green river with a single female, them camping on sandbars for a week. The other girl is VERY experienced at this and though I wasn't thrilled with her going away for 11 days I had reluctantly again given my ok to go.

NOW (Friday), I find out that there are two other couples going, neither of whom are married and there is the significant potential that two single men will be on the trip.

She has been very open and honest with me about the whole situation and even agreed to bow out if I was uncomfortable about the unmarried men going. She let me know last night that the whole trip was planned around her schedule and if she bowed out, she would look awfully bad since the trip had originally been set up to accomodate her time frame for going. Basically, she was laying a guilt trip on me if I said no due to them scheduling around her free time, which is essentially all the time because she hasn't worked in 20 years (I know raising the kids IS work, I mean she just hasn't had a job to report to) I give her a 4 figure allowance to run the house and pay ALL the other bills including all her kayaking activities.

I am finding now that I have VERY significant reservations about her going since the trip went from two single women to 6 people going (2 men allegedly in committed relationships but unmarried) and potentially two single guys. This just does not mesh well with me.

Am I being selfish? How would you feel about your spouse going on a trip where there will definately be two unmarried men (both in relationships) and potentially two single men NOT in any relationships.

We have been having trouble in our relationship in that I enjoy doing things she doesn't and vice versa. She told me about 6 months ago that she loved me but was not "in love with me". We had a big blow up the other day and I told her the same thing, I loved her, but was no longer "in love with her" but the truth is I am. I sincerely believe she is not in love with me anymore.

I would truly appreciate any advice the board would give.


Regards to all

RHM

I am sorry but this is bad news. If the roles had been reversed I doubt your wife would be as enthusiastic. Look it sounds like she has manipulated this situation and the facts now come out about two other couples and coming and a chance of a couple of single guys. What do you think they will be thinking about in the evenings when they are all drinking wine? The situation has changed and I think you are in your rights to tell her that this is making you very uncomfortable. Since the living arrangements has changed she should curtail the trip. Spending a week with single men in the wilderness is not going to fly. I wish you luck.

Yikes, she has really put you in a pickle. If you say no, she's mad and resentful. If you say yes, you're mad and resentful. Certainly, neither is going to be good for your already rocky relationship.

An 11 day trip with several unmarried men doesn't sound very healthy to me. Especially, considering this is one of her passions and you don't share her passion for it. Dr. Harley talks about this a lot in his book 'His Needs, Her Needs." When a person is not getting their emotional needs filled by the spouse and then they are placed in a situation with members of the opposite sex who do share one of their passions, the risk of an affair is greatly increased.

Personally, I would say no. She didn't give you the full information at the time you said yes. Granted, these additional people may have been added at the last minute but she had some say in that and apparently she said it was okay. If she wasn't given a say in it, then she shouldn't feel guilty at all about pulling out. IMHO, it's not fair to expect that you give your blessing after the circumstances have changed. This reminds me of the type of thing a teenager would do when they are going to be doing something they know their parent won't approve of. Wait until the last minute to tell Mom and Dad and by that time it is too late to pull out.

I have to agree with Bryanp, it sounds like she is manipulating the situation so you won't say no. Just tell her you would prefer she not go. And then get a hold of all the MB books and read like crazy (or listen to the CDs - that's what I'm doing). It sounds like your marriage is shaky and needs some work. Dr. Harley recommends that couples don't routinely participate in activities separately because it is too likely to cause a rift. good luck. You might want to post on the Emotional Needs forum - it gets a lot more traffic.

Either the above scenario is correct, OR this has been the plan all along. IMHO, either your wife is planning to be unfaithful or already has, hence the ILYBNILWY line ... its a dead give away for adultery.

1st, I believe I would make it known in no uncertain terms that you are very uncomfortable with this "change?" in plans, and that you would very much prefer that she NOT go. If she insists on going anyway ... get down to the infidelity forums, because you are getting ready to face HUGE problems.

2nd, start snooping covertly. Don't raise her suspicions, but check up on her internet activity, emails (especially her sent and deleted boxes), cell phone usage (look for excessive calls &/or texts to an unknown number). I'm afraid that I already know what you will find. Sorry ...

CAN YOU TAKE THE TIME TO GO WITH? TELL HER O&H THAT YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE SITU...OFFER TO ACCOMPANY HER- EVEN IF YOU DON'T ENJOY THE SUBJECT- JUST EXPERIENCING IT WITH HER- SHOWING AN INTEREST IN WHAT SHE LOVES--BECAUSE SHE LOVES IT-- MOREOVER- SHOWING MORE OF AN OUTSIDE INTEREST IN YOUR WIFE MAY BE A BIG POINT HERE... ANYWAYS- JUST BE HONEST WITH HER- TACTFULLY AND OFFER TO SHARE IT WITH HER- SEE WHAT KINDA REACTION YOU GET, THEN GO FROM THERE...........BEST LUCK