beliver - thanks for continuing to reply. I am just confused right now with some of your writings. I only know that my husband lied to me, he won't admit to cheating. I found two letters from female friends and both were obvious only friends and one wrote about him going to find a beautiful women when he gets back and have kids, which would indicate he hasn't already found someone else. The lies worry me and the female friends he wasn't telling me about, but it doesn't mean that he is cheating. Aren't there any marriages out there that have to deal with lying, but a spouse not be cheating. I don't mean to come across defensive, but I feel like I can't get proof but yet he is already sentence to be hung.

Are you saying that I should assume he is and go on with that in mind? I don't actually want to continue in my marriage if he has crossed that line. I do know that many of things he is saying are similar to what a WS says and see how some of the others experience could help me as far as working on the marriage and making myself a better wife and partner, but if I am to accept that he is definately cheating and all others on the board go that route, we have nothing to work on.

That is why I want to know what others have done when they couldn't confirm or prove an affair either way. I am so sorry that so many people have come to this board knowing about a WS or suspecting it and finding it out to true, but there must be some out there that wondered and it wasn't the case. Not every spouse that leaves a marriage is cheating.

I just don't know what to do. Everyone here is convinced he is cheating and I do wonder, but yet I do know him very well and there are also indications he isn't cheating. I would really like to get some help and support here, just not sure I can deal with constantanly being told he is cheating. I know you just want to help and so many spouses have trouble facing it, I just don't know what to do and am so confused.

The signs are there that he is cheating, and it could be only an emotional affair. But that is just as bad as a physical affair.

When people lie, usually it is because they have something to hide.

Even if your hubby isn't cheating, the stuff here will really help you.

It has been quite awhile since I last posted. I need to update the subject line on my thread, but don't remember how, so any input on that would be great. I thought I would just add to my old post so that if interested you can read the background already written.

Since I last wrote things have seemed to gone good between my husband and I. When he left for deployment in Feb things weren't real clear to me on what to expect from him and our marriage. He told me he would work on things, but hard to know if that was just because I point blank asked and was still very concerned about the seperation and what would happen when he got home.

Once deployed things went as good as they could under the circumstances. He started saying "I love you" and "I miss you" in every email and in phone conversations within a few weeks of being gone. He would email every few days throughout much of the deployment. I emailed quite often and also sent out hand written letters and packages every week. I worked hard to show him just how much I loved him and attempted to show admiration and respect too, which were quite lacking previous in our relationship.

We were able to discuss having children, seem to be on the same page as far as that goes for the first time in our marriage. Things seemed great, a part of me still worried that at some point it was all going to come crashing down again like last fall, but everything he was doing and saying pointed otherwise.

He was home on leave for 2 weeks in the early fall and that went great. No fighting and lots of affection and caring behavior from both of us. The same continued when he got home for good in Nov.

So, I am feeling completely at ease after he gets home. We are discussing our future and making plans to start a family later this year and many other joint long term goals for our family. He is acting like when we first were in love and is telling me "I love you" numerous times and snuggling in bed and general affection throughout the day. We are fighting less than ever before in our marriage and he seems to be very happy where he is in life right now.

I do still have concerns about his past ability to corespond with female friends (mostly ones he meet through the internet) that I knew nothing about and when confronted with it actually at first choose to lie. I want to wait until we get into marriage consueling to discuss these issues, which should be in the next month or two as he wasn't open to a real discussion about it before (last Feb) and don't want to risk that type of fight again that it caused. Everything feels right in our marriage to me and I was willing to just let it go (like I did while he was deployed) untill we were at a point in the marriage consueling that it would be productive to discuss it and hopefully finally make some headway in the matter.

What just came up is that he left one of his email accounts open and I first wasn't going to look (I have trouble with my OCD and find that some snoopping really triggers it and I get too obesssived, like when I had this cell phone numbers and minutes calls memorized and couldn't stop going over them in my head). Well I did look and saw he had a new email from singlesnet.com. Looked at it and it was an ad to upgrade membership. Nothing really stating he did already have a membership, as it listed the stuff membership gave you and then also the stuff the upgrade would do. Anybody know anything about this? Could it be a spam email he just got, or would he have had to be a member to get that email? It makes no sense where we are at right now (or at least where I think we are at) that he would be doing something like that, but it is a worry now that I saw it.

So my questions are (1) since my husband has recommitted to the marriage and we are quite happy and he show affection and love like he did when we were first married and talking about long term family goals and children (has been this way for that last 10 months), could he have decided that he will just have a secert life on the side
(2) could that email have been spam, or would he have to have a membership already to get it (Singlesnet.com)

Thanks for any input or advice.

It's probably SPAM. I get these kinds of emails all the time that make it appear as if I already have an account. I think they do that to get people to respond or to even look at their site. I wouldn't worry about it unless he starts getting personal emails from people on that site.

It was definately not a personal email from another member of the webstite, as I could read on the bottom about the different types they could get such as a flirt one. I was just worried that he might have been on the website in order for them to have his email.

I guess I just don't know whether to just let these things go and not look at this stuff. I find things that bother me, but they aren't clean cut and say "yes he is cheating, or no he is not" and then I just obessive about what I see. The only other thing I found on the email account was a reply to a girl which I don't recognize the first name, but all is was, was she had sent him along with a bunch of other people a email asking if they read her emails in the subject line. His reply was "hummm.. I do read your email, but don't see that this one has any words or message to it. Can try emailing me at my other email at *****.com as that one seems to work better". That was it, sure doesn't seem like something to worry about, but again I wonder who the girl is and is he being secret again about new/continuing female friends.

As far as his cell phone use, I have been looking at that and all is accounted for except one cell number. I suspect that it might be a new cell for his best friend as he didn't have one before they deployed. We are spending the weekend with them at a Guard thing and hope to find out if about this. I do know that one night I walked in on the end of a conversation and he said it was that guy and the number in question is the one that showed up on the phone records.

So, 99% of me thinks everything is okay with us and we can just continue to work on our marriage. But, if there is something up he is going to great lengths to hide and must want to continue the same with me and have this other life too, which if that is the case I want to know and will be so done with this marriage immediately as that would show me he just isn't the person I thought he was and wouldn't waste anymore time in this doomed relationship. Hope that all makes sense.