Where to begin? Married for almost 13 years with an 11 yr old daughter. Wife began playing a game online called Second Life where she met a man she has been having an EA with. Now claims she has never loved me, never felt attraction for me, has wanted out for years, blah blah. Going through the script I am seeing of speaking in a fog. She sees no hope for fixing our marriage and refuses to go to counseling. But in her words "You are a wonderful man and I believe everyone that I am lucky to have you, I just dont feel this is my place" I kind of implemented alot of things I have found on this site before even finding it. I informed the OM's BS about the affair. I also informed my WW's family because she was doing her best to hide everything from everyone. Hopefully from some sense of shame i dont know.
Background on the OM, married for 7 years and is his second marriage, 2 kids, supposedly only together for the kids. His wife seems unaware of this aggreement. My WW has not met this man at all just been carrying on the A online. She will not verify one single thing he tells her just takes it all as gospel.
I love my wife more than anything and want so bad to mend our marriage but with her totally unwilling to admit an internet addiction or admit we ever even loved each other what do I do? How do you communicate with someone who claims they never once loved you or was attracted to you? It has to be a lie right? I mean, why did she go on a second date, move in with me, say her wedding vows, give me her virginity, have my child, spend almost 13 years with me if she never once felt love for me? God help me.

Hello,

It seems that you have been doing all of the rights things. This is so bizarre. I would continue plan A but also see an attorney just to understand your legal options. She is heavily in the fog. I understand these games are highly addictive. This is just a thought but maybe if she knew what the consequences would be to her of a divorce a reality check would set in for her. I wish you luck.

She knows the consequences. Her own family has lined up and each told her how they feel about this and is has not had one iota of an effect. Also the one appt I did get her into with the C he told her that family court would eat her alive for wanting to meet a man in real life that she met on the internet as far as custody goes. Still no effect. She emails him from her job which she has been told is grounds for termination. Still no effect. She is willing to toss her entire life away for a guy that has her so twisted inside herself it's scary. She has only known him for a month or two for pete's sake.

The online affair is a fantasy which she uses to deal with her day to day life. Will she spend any time with you? The Harleys suggest 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Not now, she is saying she wants out, period. "I just have to follow my heart and it tells me I dont belong here" This may sound crazy but I know she does belong here because 14 years ago I had gotten out of a 4 yr relationship before we met to a woman I really wanted to marry. I prayed for days on end to find the one God had planned for me. Because I was tired of pretending and wanted to find the love God had planned. The day I say my wife for the first time she literally glowed! And I swear I heard a voice saying "Go to her" And even now in all my praying I feel an overwhelming sense to press on and continue the fight for my marriage. Like I am being pushed from behind to endure all she throws at me. I love her and want to rebuild the love we once shared. But like so many others I have seen here I am the only willing participant. My in-laws are furious at her but I would be willing to forgive and rebuild no matter what. Real doormat I guess. But I meant every word of my wedding vows and the promise I made to love her for better or worse.

Start figuring out her emotional needs and try to meet the ones she will let you meet. Your wife is the exact same as every other wayward wife here. It makes no difference that it is only an emotional affair.

As you stay in Plan A and meet her needs, she may start changing. It will take some time.

It is too bad that she won't do anything with you because that tends to bring back the feelings of love.

In the first counseling session he gave us the emotional needs questionnaire. She filled it out but has since told me she lied in her answers but cant remember which ones. And looking at it she didnt fill much out, just answered off her head. God be with me as I struggle to find my wife again.

Usually women have conversation as a top one, sometimes domestic support, or financial support.

What did she list?

What kind of things did she complain about BEFORE all of this happened?

Truthfully she didnt complain. At least not to me. And I do remember conversation was low on the ranking. First was Honesty and openness. Strange coming from one having an affair it seems. 2nd was Affection, which she ranked me as excellent at providing. She said Financial and domestic support were tied for 3rd. Both she ranked me high in. So I have no idea how to move forward. Conversation was ranked 8th actually. She always has been quiet. I am the talker.

Well, you need to start thinking about what emotional need the internet guy is meeting. The Harleys have an article here on why internet affairs are so dangerous. For one thing, the other person can pretend to be whoever they want. Affairs are all about fantasies, and internet affairs are REALLY all fantasy.

It's hard to believe that there was NOTHING that she complained about. You can't think of anything?

How was her life growing up?

Life growing up was kinda tough. Dad split when he found out her mom was pregnant. Mom remarried a man who preferred nudie bars to time with his family. That ended in divorce. Mom later married an abusive man but has since gotten her life back on track and lives with us now. Honestly, I can not think of one thing she has really bugged me about as far as not meeting needs. The only thing really she ever harped on me about was my smokeless tobacco use. Which I have stopped btw. And not one craving actually. I have always made good money and was the more affectionate of the two. Also I am the talker. I dont keep a sparkling house but I do the cooking and the dishes and take out the trash. She does do the majority of the laundry. It really is confusing. Every thing she says will contradict something else she has said. Like ranking me high on the EN sheets. She later says she lied. "I am here and want to work on us" "I know I want out", "you are wonderful, lucky to have you" "I just know this isnt the place for me"

Well, she could be depressed, or be going through a type of midlife crisis.

I suggest you get the money together for a counseling appointment with the Harleys. Costly, but they can often do more in one appointment than other counselors do in 20.

Also why don't you jump over to General Questions II. Weekends are slow and there is more traffic there.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A. This may take some time.

Scott.
make sure she has a complete exam by a psychiatrist

some one who can identify and prescribe meds for depresson..
she sounds depressed..You have no idea how "out odf it" you can be when in a clinical depression even a mild one
other than that she just sounds bored.. which is dangeroues if she meets a sexual predator..one experienced in seducing women.. commonly called a "player"..these guys talk wifes into anything
get the doc evaluation
jerseyboy