Original thread here.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD
Sorry, kinda new here. Anyway, this was my first post here.

Where to begin? Married for almost 13 years with an 11 yr old daughter. Wife began playing a game online called Second Life where she met a man she has been having an EA with. Now claims she has never loved me, never felt attraction for me, has wanted out for years, blah blah. Going through the script I am seeing of speaking in a fog. She sees no hope for fixing our marriage and refuses to go to counseling. But in her words "You are a wonderful man and I believe everyone that I am lucky to have you, I just dont feel this is my place" I kind of implemented alot of things I have found on this site before even finding it. I informed the OM's BS about the affair. I also informed my WW's family because she was doing her best to hide everything from everyone. Hopefully from some sense of shame i dont know.
Background on the OM, married for 7 years and is his second marriage, 2 kids, supposedly only together for the kids. His wife seems unaware of this aggreement. My WW has not met this man at all just been carrying on the A online. She will not verify one single thing he tells her just takes it all as gospel.
I love my wife more than anything and want so bad to mend our marriage but with her totally unwilling to admit an internet addiction or admit we ever even loved each other what do I do? How do you communicate with someone who claims they never once loved you or was attracted to you? It has to be a lie right? I mean, why did she go on a second date, move in with me, say her wedding vows, give me her virginity, have my child, spend almost 13 years with me if she never once felt love for me? God help me.

Hello Scott,

Sorry that you are here, but in the position you are in this is the best place to be. The VETS here will supply you with excellent advise, and the rest will be your encouragers and friends (that's where I fall...unfortunately <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />).

That being said I have no real advice, because I am in the throws of this same situation. So keep your chin up, breath, and PRAY.

Help in one form or another is on the way....and weekends are slower around here, so be patient and don't give up on us.....

not2fun

And he said on JFO that the marriage was good before all this, his wife didn't have complaints. So Plan A is the starting point, but it kind of stumps me. She is not willing to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things.

Here is one of the articles on internet affairs -

Love on the Internet is becoming an epidemic. But the bottom line is that you were not your wife's best friend before she began using the chatline. A cyber-friend has taken your place, and you can be grateful that it's not the man next-door.

The state of withdrawal that your wife is in is not permanent. She will slip into the state of conflict once in a while, and when she does, she will explain to you how you've failed to meet her emotional needs -- for conversation, affection, honesty and openness, and other needs. She will also give you a chance to meet those needs. That's when you can start depositing love units.

What is it about her Internet friend that she finds so captivating? What does she talk to him about that she can't talk to you about? Perhaps it's as simple as being there whenever she wants to talk. Perhaps she feels he admires her, respects her, and finds her interesting. He gives her his undivided attention for hours each week. You need to learn as much as you can about this friend and see if you can meet the same needs yourself.

The thoughts she has about divorce are more like brainstorming than plans for the future. She does not have much to look forward to in her relationship with you, and she is thinking of alternatives. Make sure that her future with you will be just as fulfilling as her future would be with her fantasy friend. Learn how to make it turn out that way. Encourage her to teach you. And when you've figured it out, keep it up for the rest of your lives together.

Scott, you know your wife is re-writing history to assuage her guilt for having the EA. You know you have had a good M and have been a good H to her...she knows it, too. Of course the things she is saying are a lie!

You have done exposure, that's great! Did it help at all? Is she still online with him as much or not at all..? How long has this been going on and have they started phone conversations, etc. You know, the simple solution to at least put a big kink in things is to shut off the internet. At least block the sites that she visits and spends time with him. She needs a month or so of complete separation from his influence and to get through WD and start seeing things clearly again.

Right now, you cannot educate her. Do not talk R and A right now, just do whatever you can to break up the A and have fun with your W. If you guys are out having a good time, it is less time for her to be on the intenet anyways! She will hopefully realize very soon what she would be giving up for a virtual fantasy.

Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB. I hope you get the help here to fix this situation!

They used to talk in a game called Second Life. Now they communicate via emails and a pre paid cell phone. When I first found out she gave me the phone she bought. But I have since found out she went and bought another. As far as the exposure having an effect, it did for maybe 2 days max. She even spoke on the phone with his wife and swore to her that she would back off so they could work on their marriage. Didnt last. He emailed her right away and she responded.

Oh, good. I didn't realize that he had a wife. You need to get her contact information and let her know that they are still in contact. Also tell her about this site.

I have. I emailed her this morning about the continued contact. Havent heard back yet. Also told her about this site.

This is no surprise...waywards are liers (I should know!). The thing is--you cannot MAKE her stop talking to him. She will find a way if she is that determined.

What you CAN do is start figuring out what it is about him that she is so drawn to, and take your place back in that part of her life. Just like the article posted by Believer said. Keep her busy-plan fun stuff to do as a family and just the two of you. Just keep all R and A talks off the table until she can break free of him.

Find out where he lives, keep talking to his wife and comparing notes. Do what you can to put pressure on him to break it off. Does he have a church you can expose to...his parents, his work, etc? The key is to make it not worth the effort to pursue her.

See Scott,

I told you you would get good advice. B is absolutely amazing. and Res is a FWW who is very good at helping people deal with the WS. You have some of the best already helping you.

Like I said, keep your chin up. Have you read "Surviving an Affair". I recommend starting with that one.

And here is some food for thought, maybe meeting her EN's is not the problem but engaging in Love Busters???

not2fun

I have identified my LB's and am doing all I can to stop them. unfortunately I cant be too sure if they are the "correct" ones in her eyes as she did not fill out that sheet for me. But I do know of some I have and am committed to ridding myself of them for good. I asked about them when I filled out the LB's of hers. She said the ones I listed for myself were dead on but I cant really tell if she was just playing me or not. I do know I take things way to personal at times and have had angry outbursts. And also have engaged in a bit of selfish demands regarding her showing as much affection towards me as I do towards her.

Don't worry about your love busters as being the "correct" ones. You need to eliminate ALL of them.

Then give this some time. Once the OM's wife knows it is continuing, it may end.

Is your wife a good mother?

Aside from the fact that at the moment she sees no problems introducing our daughter to this guy "after a few short real life public meetings" (like if he was violent he wouldn't put his best face forward until he gets her alone) I would say she is a good mother. Very short fused and neglectful since the A started though. Her family is urging me to go for full custody if she does file for divorce to protect our daughter from the possible danger an internet guy could pose to her.

Yep. That is how they are. We had one wife and mother who was planning to leave her kids and husband to fly across the country to live with her internet affair partner whom she never even met in person. YIKES!

Let's hope that the affair breaks up and she sees how crazy she is behaving.

You could notify her work about the affair she is conducting during working hours. If she loses her job it might help. But first wait and see if internet boy continues contact with his wife knowing.

I have considered notifying her supervisor. I do know she would be fired on the spot. My mother has worked for the same hospital my wife is at for over 30 years. She confirmed that she would be instantly fired, no write up or probation. What has stopped me is the memories of all we sacrificed together to put her through school to get this job of her dreams. She quit her job to go to school full time and I was the only provider until she finished school. And the day I drove her to San Antonio to take her exams. What a wonderful time to see her so happy.

See if you can call the Harleys and get a plan.

First continue contacting the other man's wife. Often the affair becomes too much trouble and the man will end it. If that happens, your wife will go into withdrawal for a month or so, and then your marriage should go back on track.

Since you have e-mailed OM's wife, what do you know about OM? Do you know his name, where he lives, where he works, his educational background? Does he have kids? Is he conducting this affair on work time also?

I do know OM's name, place of employment, address, cell phone #. I even have his myspace address. He is 3 years younger than my wife, in his second marriage, 2 children who live with him, one he had at 15 that he has no contact with. Bipolor and refuses meds. Real winner. Would love to post all his info here and have you all flood his cell phone and address to the point he goes insane. lol

Hold onto his information. It is good that he is a mess, but your wife won't believe it.

I would stop talking about what a loser he is.

Are you certain your wife won't do ANYTHING with you?

pretty much, it's over in her mind right now. Any talking on my part gets her laughing and saying "I'm not going to let you spin your wheels" And any time together is spend maybe in the same room but not close or even talking.