My husband had an affair. We want to draft a post nuptual that puts in place financial and custodial penalties for future contact with the affair partner or for another affair as part of our rebuilding process. Do these agreements hold up in court? Are there particular states where they might hold up better than others?

I think you will need to contact an attorney in your state to make sure it is done legally.

I see it was a workplace affair. Are they still working together? If so, he needs to look for another job.

How was the marriage before the affair?

The marriage was really wonderful before the affair, which is the tragedy of it. He agrees. It went on for almost 2 years and I'm really not sure we can recover. He has switched jobs but I don't trust that he will not maintain phone or email contact.

Ask him if he will write her a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a mistake and he loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. Then you read and approve the letter and send it.

Your marriage should be very salvageable as long as there is no contact. He probably just got too close to her and she started meeting his emotional needs.

Is she married?

Yes, she is married. I just don't know if I can get over it. I'm crushed.

Have you exposed the affair to her husband?

And yes, you CAN get over it. Millions of people do. It isn't easy, but you can go on to a much happier marriage.

Where can I find success stories? I don't see hope.

there is a post about sucess stories, started by Ace...I bumped it up for you... have faith, people do get past this kind of thing...

my WH is still staying with the "warthog" he comes around often, but he's still not "happy" at home, so I just keep trying to "be still" and be a "lighthouse" for when the fog does start to lift ;-)

Hang on!!!

There are thousands of people right here on MB who have recovered. Many quit posting and are happily married. There are many on the Recovery board.

Have you done the reading here on the home page of how affairs begin? Usually it is rather innocent.

Hi Sharont
Yes a postnup will hold up in court as long as you live in a state where they are recognised.

The postnup will state what happens in the event of a divorce so it will cover assets, income distribution, child support and custody of minor children. You can put in any conditions you wish. However, as the postnup is essentially the entire divorce settlement, it will be expensive and you will both need to get separate legal representation for it to be valid.

We drew one up after WH decided that he just had to sneak off and see the OW 'one more time'.

First we made a spreadsheet showing our assets, income and expenses.

Then we took this to an arbitrator who negotiated a settlement between us that we drew up in writing.

Then I took this settlement to a lawyer for drafting, his lawyer checked it and we both signed it.

The plusses:
A divorce at any time in the future will be quick and cheap as everything is settled except the grounds (we live in a fault divorce state)

I know exactly where I will stand financially if I pull the plug.


The minusses:
The process was horrendous, it took a year. He screamed and yelled and fought over every cent and tried to grab everything including things I owned before the M.

It was expensive (although cheaper than a contested divorce)

The biggest problem is that a postnup has tons of LBs which is now a problem. For instance, WH insisted on no maintenance for me. I spend a lot of my time looking after his business interests but this means I have to go out and get work now instead so that I have a steady income in the event I need to pull the plug. Of course he is very upset because he thought it would be a great way to prevent me leaving instead of which it has exploded in his face.

I could go on and on but you get the picture.

Hi Sharont,

YOU can get over it. SS bumped the Success Stories thread but if it slips away, the link is in my sig line.

Read all you can on these pages and the entire web site. The principles and concepts described are what helped many (but not all) recover their marriages on the SS thread.

Best wishes and welcome to MB.

Ace