I was told to post this here so here is my story:

Hi everyone. I had posted on this before but now I know what's going on. 5 weeks ago my wife suddenly left me and said she needed time to think. She said she didn't think she loved me anymore and needed to move into her own place. I thought she probably did since she has suffered from mild depression for some time. We have been married for 24 years and have two children, both still at home (22 years old and 18 years old, both girls). I asked her if there was someone else and she said there wasn't and I believed her. Since she moved out we had been on 3 dates that really didn't seem like much. I was staying in touch via phone calls and text messaging. Last wednesday I helped her move into her appartment and we made love. I thought this was going to be a step into the right direction. Today I called her and asked her out for next weekend. She said she didn't want to and said she didn't want to date me anymore. I mentioned dissolution and she agreed. Then I asked her if there was someone else and she finally dropped the bomb on me and said there was another guy who is 29, my wife is 48. this affair had been going on for a year. I need help and I am sure the advice on here can help.

Any advice appreciated.

wrk age 49

Wrk,

Welcome to MB. It is an amazingly helpful place with lots and lots of information. I'm sorry you are here. I tend to not give out advice because I am still new (:) Mark), but I can offer you support. The boards are generally slow on weekends and especially with the super bowl. Please be patient and know that people will be around.

Have you had a change to read anything on here? Do you have any questions. It is generally recommended that you get Surviving an Affiar and His Needs/Her Needs.

I am sure that people will have lots of questions, so please be open and answer them as best as possible. There is a weaalth of information and support on here, you just have to ask.

I wish you luck and want you to know you aren't a lone.

Queenie

I am sorry you are here. This is the right place to come, though, and you will find support and help. (Although right now I think A LOT of people are watching the game instead of posting.)

If you want to save your marriage, you will want to start with Plan A. Hopefully someone here will post about the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. There is a link, but I am not sure where.


Read as much as you can from this website and order the books mentioned above, Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and I would also add Love Busters.

Many of us have recovered our marriages when everything looked totally hopeless. Hang tight, help is on the way...when the game ends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here it is from page 1 of my thread from Michele G:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell her that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive her anger, but it cannot survive if she remains a WS.

Start a good plan A. If you can call the Harleys for advice. Read Surviving an Affair. You will learn the dynamics of affairs. They are all pretty much the same. The WS use the same script.

Your WS will try to rewrite history and put you in a bad light. She is trying to justify her actions to herself. She is probably addicted to the feelings of the A, not the OP. He could be anyone.

She has weaknesses that she did not protect. It is a slippery slope.

Keep coming here. Read, read, read.

(edited to change he's to she's.)

wrk - do you want to save your marriage, knowing what you now know is the "truth?"

If so, begin by finding out everything you can about this 29 year old mental child. His family, where he works, everything.

Separate all of your finances from you wife, I'm betting she is "bankrolling" a lot of their affair, including the cost of her "love nest apartment."

Third, expose the affair to all who have a "need to know." She needs to at least understand that adultery is NOT recognized as an "acceptable" thing. And she needs to understand that she WILL lose a lot things that she may not have been considering. My children, for example, were about the ages of you children and THEY chose to have nothing to with her if she was going to pursue an affair and a divorce.

If you want her and want to save your marriage, then prepare for war against any and all who "support" the notion that adultery is a "good" or "acceptable" thing.

God bless.

I pretty much have did all of the carrot and the stick of plan A. I sometimes think I would want her back and then there are times that I don't think I want her. I think I am going to continue on with the dissolution of our marriage. It would be extremely hard to accept her after all of her lies and deceit. And there is no guarentee that she would come back anyway. I need to move on with my life and I intend to do just that.

You received great advice from Charlotte22 and ForeverHers.

"Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell her that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive her anger, but it cannot survive if she remains a WS."

Separate all of your finances from you wife, I'm betting she is "bankrolling" a lot of their affair, including the cost of her "love nest apartment."

"expose the affair to all who have a "need to know.".... And she needs to understand that she WILL lose a lot things that she may not have been considering. ....children....and THEY chose to have nothing to with her if she was going to pursue an affair and a divorce."

Expose to her parents, siblings, children. Some affairs end on their own after six months, most after two years. Some never end (or at least last long enough to destroy the mariage)and destroy the marraige.

Exposure is the only tool that can help end an affair.

Your wife is 48 and he is 29?

He'll dump her soon and it will REALLY crush her ego.

What a winner weasle he is.

If you can take the pain of divorce, I say go for it.

If I had the internal fortitude to just walk away from my W, my life would be so much easier...

good luck. Even Dr. Harley has said that when someone comes to him wanting divorce, he is right there with them. Only if you truly desire to save your marriage should you worry about using the Dr.s plans. Find yourself a bull dog attorney and protect your rights.

I wish you well and a happy life.

I would argue that the BS needs 2 be able 2 do this whether they choose DV or reconciliation.

Either way, is personal recovery, which is the prerequisite for everything else in life after infidelity.

-ol' 2long

I went to the lawyer today and he is to draw up the dissolution papers. We are to sign Thursday. I'll keep you posted. This is hard but I have to move on. It is extremely hard to get any rest without thinking of her.

Only you know what your heart can tolerate. But after 24 years with your wife, you are moving on rather quickly.

Been where you are thinking if I should finish our m or not. I can't say you are wrong either, especially where she's moved in with a 29 yr old user loser.

But 24 yrs is a long time like Believer says, was most of that good? Is that worth getting back?
Believer once asked me was I a man who couldn't forgive or wouldn't forgive, was I happier with her or without her.
Only you can answer that mate and figure out what you want.

and yeah it may have failed anyway regardless the effort both of us put into it. Didn't for us though.

If you want out then go for it, and even if you want to consider a recovery it may still be a good idea to get the paper work moving anyway. Your lawyer can tell you that stuff.

One thing is sure as sunrise the affair between a 48 & 29 yr olds just won't last. If you haven't exposed it you should no matter what you decide in the longer term, thats a consequence, and stop all support if you can legally. Just wait until mr 29 yr old has to pick up the slack with your WS, you'll hear the door slamming as he shoots through all the way over at your place I'm guessing.

you say you have done Plan A, have you considered a really good plan B? but don't ask me I didn't do much of Plan A let alone anything else.

Anyway have a good think, and good luck.

I wanted to work this out but wife is too caught up in the 29 year old. I have used exposure somewhat, told WS ex employees, MIL knows, FIL doesn't want anything to do with his daughter after what she has done. MIL thinks they will probably get married after our dissolution is over. I thought we had alot of wonderful years in our marriage, of cource she said we never were that close, but I don't believe it. I'm pretty sure the dissolution is what I need. That's not to say if she was to come back later in life that I would or wouldn't take her back.

Dissolution? Do you mean divorce?

Seriously, you're rushing into this. Your kids are grown so the consequences to you aren't large in terms of your personal finances, but it seems like you shouldn't just jump into divorce.

Do you want to save your marriage? What do your daughter's say?

Have you talked to them about this? I was just a little older than them when this happened with my parents and I can tell you that I did not tolerate the presence of outsiders in my family. I dealt that out equally to both parents. Your daughter's can still be messed up badly by this. They are shaping their ideas of love and relationships and marriage right now and this could seriously mess them up. It messed me up and my siblings up as well.

If you want to save your marriage, then you need to buy yourself time. Don't make divorce easy and don't just give her one.

There isn't too much detail from you on the status of your marriage and what kind of marriage you had.

You still need to expose. Expose to your daughters, your ILs, your family, his coworkers. Think about an alienation of affection law suit against him.

I can't stress enough to you how important it is that you protect your finances. Believe me, it is very difficult to go against your feelings of trust for your W, but she will clean you out when she gets the chance to. Don't let her do it. Setup a new bank account and move the marital assets there. Put some sort of freeze on equity lines of credit. Find ways to protect the finances because she will clean you out. Please listen to us on this. I lived it and didn't listen and was cleaned out.

I'm a firm believer that not all M are worth recovering, and not all WW's are worth keeping.

Only wrk can answer that for himself.

FWIW, I understand the level of disrespect and humiliation that he likely feels, especially the circumstances of his 48 year old wife leaving him to shack up with a 29 year old loser. I wouldn't tolerate that any longer than wrk is.

He is not closing the door ... he is preserving his self-respect. If his WW choses to end the A, come to her senses, and ask for forgiveness, then it appears that wrk is more than willing to see if they have a future together, but he is not willing to put himself in some self-imposed limbo, while she continues to rub his face in an ongoing A with an intolerable OM.

IMHO, many other BH's currently here wallowing in self-doubt and indecision would be well served to follow his example and face this awful time from a position of strength rather than allowing themselves to be continually disrespected due to their weakness.

Once faced with this situation, we have to protect ourselves and our assets first. After that, we can move forward with our lives with our head's up, and can consider recovering the M, with the bar set high, should the WW be worthy of that consideration.

Thanks MyRevelation. MIL says my WS doesn't ever want to talk about this. MIL feels embarrassed by her daughters actions. WS says this is the happiest she has ever been in her life. I really think that the WS and OM (29 year old) will tie the knot. Who knows what the future will be for them? Eternal bliss or will it fall apart at some time.

Thanks for the advice, I'll take any I can get.
wrk

I will eat my hat if her future holds eternal bliss. This is a bad B-movie waiting to happen! I'm sorry you are going through this.

just a quick question -

Does your dtrs know that your WW is dating a 29yo OM not really that much older than your dtrs?

I am around your age and not sure I would even think twice on your course of action since the kids are near adults. Seems a waste of a long marriage but there are more issues than adultery with this one not to mention a 29 yo man dating a woman going through the change of life. Strange deal.