If dtrs stands for daughters, Yes my daughters know about this. My 18 year old daughter is having a hard time with this because she can't believe her mom (who she felt real close to) would lie to her for over a year about the A. How can I convince my wife to reconsider when she has never listened to anything I have to say about this.

Thanks,
wrk

Wrk,

You don't convince your W. Sadly, this may be a midlife crisis sort of thing, but you cannot educate them. You can be strong, you can offer a way back, you can be kind and gentle EVEN if you are getting out of the marriage.

I do not mean support her affair. I mean just pass on the opportunities and there will be some to really rub her face in the mess she is making of so many lives. The 29 year old boy, is to young and stupid to know what he is doing, but eventually he will learn. It won't help you though.

So the call is yours. I would spend considerable time talking with your daughters and supporting them, letting them know they can talk with you any time, and doing your best to encourage them to keep their mother in their hearts even if they feel the need (rightly so) to stay away from her while this is going on.

Your call, but whatever you decide, do it with class, grace, and firmness.

God Bless,

JL

I also have a feeling this could be a midlife crisis. But how long does a woman go thru with this? She has already spent a year with this younger man, does the crisis ever end?

Thanks,
wrk

Affairs always end. You can count on that. Be patient. And continue exposing. Do the boy's parents know that he is courting a married mother?

I don't know if the 29 year old OM's parents know or not. I really don't know how to find out for sure. I guess I could with alot of digging and phone calls.

Tomorrow my WS and I are to sign the mariage dissolution papers and it will take 30 to 90 days for it to get before the judge. After that our marriage as it is now will be over. I don't know what I would do if she was to want to come back before/after that or if she would even consider it because right now she is still so much into the A with OM.

Any thoughts on this?

wrk

My H definitely had a MIDLIFE CRISIS and an AFFAIR which lasted over TWO YEARS.

Now we've been RECOVERED longer than the AFFAIR lasted.

It's your choice as everyone is saying..but you have a GREAT CHANCE of MARITAL RECOVERY if you choose to work the MBer's PLANs and do not RUSH into DIVORCE.

Even if you two divorce, I GUARANTEE you that the AFFAIR will end!!

To me, it's SAD that you are rushing into the end of your marriage...if you still have any LOVE for your wayward WIFE...and it will be SAD for your children, too..

I would be willing to use the MBer's PLANS but as they say...It takes two. I will continue on with the dissolution and if she decides to end her A, we can/might be able to work things out. Until then, I still appreciate any info and thoughts about what I am going thru.

Thanks everyone!
wrk

Have you read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR? PLANS A and B, used to work towards MARITAL RECOVERY, are for the Betrayed Spouse, not the TWO of you. The TWO of you would work in RECOVERY. I would think that once you dissolve your marriage that there is a lower likelihood of Recovery.

I don't even like the SOUND of DISSOLVING a MARRIAGE..YUCK..

I just hate to see you just GIVE UP after 24 years together. This AFFAIR is certainly an ADDICTION for her and certainly will not LAST.

I do understand your HURT and HEARTACHE, though. Moving on is a choice that many make.

I'm SOOO thankful that I did not.

It's taken lots of HARD, HARD WORK but my H and I have never been HAPPIER...and he was "in love" with a "YOUNG THANG" who could have been his daughter. She was closer in age to our son that she is to my H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I am going to order SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, I just don't know how long I could wait for her and still be married to her while she continues her A. I feel that the dissolution is not the end of the world but a new chapter in my life, whether it be with or without her. That will be a decision to be made if she should ever return, even if our marriage is dissolved.

Thanks,
wrk

Well, my WW and I signed the dissolution papers this morning. 30 to 90 days and it will be in front of the judge. It isn't an easy road but it is one that I felt I needed to follow. Anyone have any ideas about this? Is there anyone been down this path? I still have feelings for my WW but I couldn't sit around and wait.

wrk

I have one other question about exposing the affair. Should I expose the affair to the OM's employer? He works for a pick-up and delivery business. I know for a fact now that he used to spend some time where my wife used to work during his route and talk with my WW.. If I am to expose to his employer, would it better to wait until my dissolution is over or do it now and risk my dissolution agreement with my WW changing for the worse?

wrk

Personally, I would expose the affair to the boy's parents and his work. You can write his work a letter asking them what they plan to do about an employee that is conducting an affair with a married woman during his working hours.

On an earlier point, if the dissolution does go through, you can always get back with your wife if you so desire. My ex had a three and a half year affair that ended less than 2 weeks after we divorced. Now he wants to get back together. But I'm done.

So there are still all kinds of possibilities.

Thanks Believer,

It will be exposed to the OM's employer after the marriage is dissolved. I don't want anything to change the way this agreement is set up.

Anyone else have any other ideas/ways of exposing to the OM's employer?

wrk

>

Just a little update on my situation. I did some snooping.

WW and OM now wants to get a puppy, as she said "We would so much like to have this addition to our family" WW never was a dog lover but now she is?

Things just keep getting more wierd.

wrk

Completely going by the book. The waywards often adopt new things that the other likes.

We currently have a member here whose hubby's OW is from a South American country. He now speaks Spanish in their home, watches Spanish TV and listens to Spanish music. His children are amazed.

wrk:

What is your Plan?

7 weeks ago you found out about your WW's A with a 29 year old.

Your efforts to end the A consisted of some exposure, which you allowed her to spin to everyone, and then you make her drive herself to the lawyers office to sign the papers.

What is your PLAN?

She's getting a Puppy? So. You have been doing some snooping and discovered she might get a puppy?

What IS YOUR PLAN?

Your snooping should be giving information on exposure targets, or soft spots where you can make the WW's life difficult, steal the bloom off the rose, as it were. Make her realize that the course she is on, will not result in the Emerald Palace at the end, but at the Wicked Witch's house.

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

IF you want to divorce her, then DO THAT. Who cares if she gets a puppy or hair cut or three new boyfriends. That is HER LIFE, and you decided that it was ok to EXIT yours. So let her go.

IF you want to try and RESTORE and RECOVER your marriage, than DO THAT. There is a PLAN around here for that.

It's called Plan A, and then, Plan B.

Plan WRK will result in WHAT?

PLAN A means you find out what her EN's are and you try to meet tham as best you can with the limited opportunities that you have. You eliminate YOUR lovesbusters, and Disrespectful Judgements, and become a man SHE wants to be married too, and was married too, for 20 odd years.

PLAN B comes after PLAN A, when you try to protect what love you have left for your WW, while she continues in her A, and you step away from it.

PLAN WRK means that in 90 days your M will be over, and then what?

You can have a PLAN that makes the Divorce drag out. So that your WW has to live with her new guy and find out how truly great he really is. Because your not around. And 29 year old starts learning about menopausal women. Suddenly, the A isn't nearly as attractive as it was. 29 YO realizing that THIS is the best he will ever get, and it's downhill after this... WW can NOT parade her NEW BF to all her old friends. She will have to get all new friends. And those friends don't live in the Emerald City, they live in the Wicked Witch's house.

And she can't go to daughters High School or College Graduation, because the invite goes to YOUR house.
And she, even as Mother of the bride, doesn't get to do those things that she might have, because she choose to leave.
SHE thinks all this stuff will be OK, Everyone will adjust. But they WON'T, and YOU need to make sure that she sees that.

SO WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

Are you going to sit in the stands and watch the destruction of your marriage because your WW has been inhabited by an alien, or are you going to step up and really FIGHT for this M, and if it fails, it's not because you DIDN'T TRY?

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

Call the Harleys and get on Steve or Jennifer's schedule. THEY can provide you with SOLID, PROACTIVE advice that can help you with a PLAN.

LG

Personally, I think wrk has a he!! of a plan for his situation. He's protecting his assets while the opportunity is there, and he's leaving the door open should WW care to attempt a R somewhere in the future.

In his case, I think I agree with exactly the way he's playing this.

MyRev:

Come on, your kidding, right?

He helped her move into her LoveShack. And she tipped him with SF.

And then Kicked him to the curb.

wrk CAN fight this, and really fight it, or, keep doing what he is doing...Which..really...isn't....anything.

wrk as been married for close to 25 years. And he just rolling over on that.

If you believe that is a good choice for him, it just may well be.

You generally advocate a stronger response, which is cool, but in this case, I do not see wrk even doing THAT.

It appears to me that he is just doing whatever WW wants.

And around here, that generally results in the BS getting the short end of the stick.

wrk may have negotiated a GREAT deal in the "dissolution" and got every thing and MORE that he was entitled to.

And thats ok, if he did.

However, I think he should still contact the Harleys and get a plan.

He just seems to have accepted whatever his WW wants. Because....she has made this choice....OM, freedom,new life whatever. And all he has done is go along with it.

That isn't a PLAN.

LG

This is what I'm basing my statements on. She has left wrk for an OM 20 years her junior and as I understand it, given wrk a very favorable D settlement. His kids are adults now, so why even fight for this particular WW ... I just don't see the "juice being worth the squeeze".

wrk seems to be comfortable with this settlement and moving on with his life ... I can't disagree with him.

Also, the more I'm exposed to this stuff through the stories of others and my own experiences, I believe that more BH's would be better served by using the WW's fog to their advantage to "give" them the D they claim to want, but with a property settlement / child custody arrangement that is advantageous to the BH.