I don't know where to post this, so you may see it in other areas also. I was married for 10 years. Me and my now ex have 2 young children together. We had a very rocky marriage that was both of our faults. We carried baggage from our childhoods into our marriage. I was unhappy, he was unhappy and I always wanted out of the marriage when we got into arguments (which could get very heated). I would be ok when we made up but then we'd argue again and I'd want back out. I learned from my mom to say divorce all the time. She did this to my dad all the time (they're still married). When I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, my husband started having an affair with someone he met in a bar one night. I found out after he had been seeing her 4 months. We got a divorce because of this. I couldn't handle the affair and couldn't move past it. He saw the OW for 1 1/2 years then they broke up. During our time apart, I saw noone. I took the time to work on my issues by seeking counseling, reading books and joining forums. It did wonders for me. About 7 months ago, we started talking again and he moved back in shortly after that. Everything was fine for about 2 months then he started growing distant. This went on for about 3 months until I finally asked him to leave. He wasn't happy here and I didn't want him here with those conditions. Thru all of this (our divorce, our time apart) I realized that he is the one that I love and want to be with forever. I can't imagine being with someone else. He has been gone for about 3 weeks. He has just contacted me again saying that he wants to work on this because he feels the same way. He says that he felt weird before because of everything that's happened and was scared to get to close for fear of things going back to the way they were. He wants to take it slow with us remaining in separate houses. He wants us to date and get to know one another all over. I, on the other hand want to jump right on in and make things work. I have agreed to do it his way, but it's killing me because I love him and I want him back with me and our kids. I have missed him so much and I just want to have him back NOW! In this kind of situation, do you think that slow is best? I'd really like your input!!!

Interesting situation. I'm in your shoes. We are signing our divorce paers this week. My wife had a long affair. Since Thanksgiving she has sworn it's over. But the emotional damage and trust becomes the biggest hurtle to overcome. I konw you love him. I love my soon to be ex too. With my whole heart. BUT!! No relationsihp, marriage or friendship can be built on distrust. I know you have worked on yourself. What has he done? Has he read books, sough counseling, for himself, not to get you back, but because he desires to change for himself? That is key. My wife doesn't want a divorce now. She is pleading me back. But she has said that in the past and once things get comfortable, she does the same thing over again. Although you have had time to heal, work on yourself, etc. He hasn't. He just finished a long relationship with another woman. He problably still has some feelings for her and needs to work through those emotions as well. HE NEEDS TIME. Listen, if he really misses you and wants a strong and solid marriage, he will initiate counseling without you saying anything. He will get help to change. Don't push him or pressure him. He'll be doing it for the wrong reasons. I told my wife. "let's divorce, you work on yourself, find why you did what you did, get counseling about your past, and that will make you all the more attractive to me." I would love to date my wife as soon as we divorce but I need to give her space and time to PROVE HERSELF. You do to. It's the only way you can rebuild trust. Words don't cut it.

For what it's worth. good luck. Let me know how it goes.

I 100% agree with this. My wife and I are divorced, and she is involved in an EA (possibly a PA, although I kind of doubt that...yet) with a guy in another state. I desperately want her back, because I love her, and I realize where I've wronged her. And, I also know we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves, and I can't see us getting back to a solid relationship until that's done. I start counseling today, she's very anti-counseling, and I'm hoping that I can lead by example here. I also know she's conflicted here, since she still has feelings for me. And I have to prove that I've changed to her before there can be any future. I agree that you need to take a step back and address what went wrong the first time around or history will just repeat itself. I love my ex too much to put her through that, and its clear that you love yours enough to not be with her, too. As I have even said, the only chance we have to be together is to be apart.

I am in a very similar situation except w/o the affair. We are continuing to live in separate houses while doing weekly counseling. The goal is to move back into together sometime this summer.

I agree with your ex - you need to 'date' for a while and do some intensive counseling. The reason it didn't work the last time he moved back in is you haven't resolved the issues. It's easy to let those 'in-love' feelings take control and for a while you might enjoy a honeymoon phase but in the long-run you will probably end up back where you were.

My H and I are working on learning how to listen to each other and communicate our feelings. Sounds easy? It's not. It's a long process. We are constantly butting up against misunderstandings and hurt feelings. As much as it would be easier to live together right now, I know until we can get comfortable and effective with our communication skills, it's better if we live apart. There's no rush is there? You've been apart for 2 years - why not take a little time and work on the R before living together again?

Get the MB books, CDs, DVDs. etc. and work on making your relationship strong and healthy before risking another move-in, move-out scenario.