Sorry for writting a novel but I need to get this all out and need help quickly. I am 25 years old and have been married to my wife for three years. While I am certainly not perfect and have flaws, I have always treated my wife well. I love, and care for her very much. I have never abused or cheated on her, and I barely ever drink. I basically gave up my friends when we got married too spend time with her and try and make her happy.

We did almost everything together. I try hard to make her happy with surprises, I go shopping w/her, take her to the movies, dinner, trips, etc.

It has been a very hard time in my life. As of four weeks ago I was laid off, my grandma died four days ago, I have been very sick with the flu and now out of the blue/complete shock my wife on Thursday says she wants a divorce.

My wife just got home and started trembling, and said I want a divorce. I was lost for words, confused, shocked. She said we are growing apart, lost intimacy and we should have what we want in life. She said she has been unhappy for the past year.

I said you never told me once of these issues. You never said lets talk and if this is not fixed I am leaving. She jumped too divorce without any other interaction.

I am so sad and stunned. I said that I loved her and cared for her. That I did not seek to hurt her in anyway and that she has never told me their were major problems. I said cant we talk for an hour and see if we can fix these problems. I am willing to change.

I said I love you and she said I am not sure I can say the same. She just gave me papers. I said what are these? She said please promise to meet me. It was a mapquest to her attornery. I said can you please stay and talk she said no and left.

I immediately called her best friends and husbands cell were she is staying. I said I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. Please tell my wife to call me, etc. I did not receive a call back. I called again and said please tell my wife I will not be going to the meeting without representation but I want to solve and salvage our marriage. No call again.

I tried e-mailing heartfelt message to my wife. I sent an explaition to my in-laws, etc. Nothing in response from both. I than decided as a last resort the next morning I would meet my wife before she arrived at work. She I believe did not want too but said she would listen. I told her how I would be willing to have counseling, etc and make a change together. She looked at me the entire time, glossy eyed. I held her hand with no pressure back. She said I will digest what you stated and will consider. I may be going home to another city to talk to my parents. I said how will you contact me and she said she would call.

I found out yesterday, 40 minutes later she finalized the papers and I was served yesterday. I was hoping the entire day plus that she would change mind. I am devasted. She filed for papers on Tuesday, the day grandma died, and sleep in bed next two days and acted like nothing wrong.

In our lives right now, obviously I am uneployed for the time being, our condo is on the market, her best friend annouced a month ago that she is pregant. My wife said she would follow wherever I got a job. She said when she was leaving that now she never wanted to leave our city. I must say that kids are also sticky issue in our relationship.

We did not fight about this issue or rarely talk about it but I am not sure if I wanted them. After she has been gone I now realize that I would want kids. Having her leave made me realize what is important in life, not material things etc., but her love and just her. I guess although never told her that having kids to me was so scary. I was so scared because it meant getting older. I know this sounds probaly terrible. I do not mean it that way.

Did her best friend, who she is now staying with, and only been married for five months, pregrant, combined with stresses, reason for divorce? She said she was unhappy the past year, but when I said I do not believe this we had many good times she agreed. She also said she did not make decision over past week.

I received and signed papers last night. I have to meet with a lawyer tomorrow.

Do I have any chance to save marriage? Will I have opporutnity for counseling together, talk to her? I want to save marriage. What can I have my lawyer say to her lawyer to show this? Can I still e-mail my wife about reconciling or is this now harrassement? I mean this with sincerity that I want to save our marriage. I am so lost and alone without my wife right now. Please help and thank you for your time in reading.

Don't.

Sign.

Anything.


Find out who she is messing around with and or what she is hiding from you.

Brian, you do NOT have to agree to this just because she already has papers and a lawyer. Don't make it easy. She is most likely having an affair, or at least sees someone she's interested in. So don't beat yourself up. And don't agree to anything. Don't give her any papers. And don't meet with her! You don't have to, just because she has a lawyer. Get your own ducks in a row first. This is too fast, and any judge would agree. In fact, don't most judges tell people to try to reconcile first? Go to counseling? I think you're being railroaded and because you're too nice, you're thinking you have to go along with it.

Tell her you don't want a divorce. You're not going to just give her a divorce. If she wants one, she can go to counseling with you first so you can find out what the heck is going on.

And start snooping. My money is on another man. If you have access to her cell phone bill/records, and email/text records, go over them, look for phone numbers she calls/texts a lot. Find out who it is. Uncover it, expose it to her, her lawyer, her family, her friends, and her job, if the guy is someone she works with.

There is always the chance she has just grown up and changed her mind - I believe no one should be married before 25 because it's from 18 to 25 that people change into who they're going to become, most often, and decisions you made before that change don't always fit the new 'you.' That may be her case. But even so, there was something about you that she once loved.

Following the principles here will teach you how to get that love back. But you can't do it if you've already turned over the papers. You're in no rush. Is she? If so, I'd be suspicious.

This:

"Tell her you don't want a divorce. You're not going to just give her a divorce. If she wants one, she can go to counseling with you first so you can find out what the heck is going on."

In addition to the great recommendations above, put an activity monitoring program on the computer she uses. You'll learn a lot by looking at what she is browsing.

Also, don't lose your self-respect and behave in ways that are overly needy or irrational. In fact, one of your best strategies for re-connecting with her is being respectable, worthy, mature, and strong. Women don't want to be with men who are needy.

Take good care of yourself, exercise, and don't drink. Being as healthy as you can will give you the strength to get through this challenging time. Also, remember that you have decades of life ahead of you. Don't do anything to short-change your future!

Brian

These folks are all right on with their info. You can book an affair. 100%? No, but 99%. And the part about saying you love her, miss her, and would do anything to keep her? All those wonderfully open and honest things you mentioned?? Forget em. The advice you will hear over and over and over is that you have to PULL BACK. For some God unkown reason, being loving and nice will only further complicate matters. The only thing that stands a chance in winning her back is the general appearance that all this IS NOT killing you. You may want to continue on with the marriage, but.....no big deal if she wants to leave. I know, I know....it makes no sense, but THIS is want works, I guess. She is NOT interested in YOUR feelings right now, she is NOT interested in your thoughts for YOUR future right now. She just wants to keep doing what she is doing. So, read some good books on saving your marriage when only ONE wants to. ANd listen to all these people on this board, they know a TON about this hideous stuff. Good Luck Man, if your wife only knew how lucky she was to have a husband who wants her so. Play your cards right.

I have found out much much more. For 8 days I did not hear one word from my wife, not one. It has hurt so bad. I wrote countless e-mails, letters, letters to parents, spilling out my feelings for her, anaylized everything wrong, changed my faults, defended my wife from my family.

I wrote an e-mail on day nine that was open ended. I bascially stated that I would be at our favorite coffee place from such and such time. I fully expected that she would not be there.

As I was walking I noticed she was standing at the door. My heart dropped. She gave a half smile and looked down. I walked over and said how sorry I was, how could work this out. I gave her a hug. We held hands and talked and talked. Mostly me talking. She was distant.

Long story short after spilling feelings, she said she was becoming a burden staying at friends house and wanted to move back in condo.

Me being a person who loves and cares for her, I said yes. I spoke to hear in person the next three days. She kept saying she needs more time, time to think, think if she can give 100% to marriage and try again. She kept being overwhelmed. I wanted her to talk. Tell me what was wrong.

I waited and waited. I could not understand how after all these days she would not know yes or no. After we talked, she said that she would call me that night. She never did but wrote e-mail. The email was very basic, no love, that said needed more time to anaylize and think. She said this isnt a business or science project.

I respect that but it is so hard. I saw her car at her work at 10 p.m., almost five hours later than she gets out of work. NO other cars in parking lot but hers. The lights in office were not on. I said what is going on to myself.

Needless to say the hardest thing I have ever witnessed in my life. A truck stopped by her car with lights on. It was parked for 20 minutes. I saw my wife kissing someone else. Dagger through my heart.

I know this person. It is an old high school friend who she stopped talking to 5 years ago because he was a cheater. He cheated on women, treated them badly, etc. I did not confront them but I wanted too so badly.

I waited and waited until she left home. I called the condo and lied and said that I needed to get shirt. I bascially told her that I tried calling all night. Where was she, even though I knew.

She said she reconnected with old friend, a girl, who is best friends with this complete idiot. She said that they went to bookstore. I said I saw car AT office. She said that she was picked up. I said how come I am keep being strung along. Why cant you tell me yes or no.

How does a person who care not know. She got very testy and angry with me. That is when I told her what I saw. She immediately lost words, mumbled. She said that it was true. That she was weak, not of right mind, so sorry, etc. She
needed personal counseling, was major mistake to kiss him.

I said you put yourself in situation, you did not need to kiss. I said you were in car willing. She said this started 5 days after she filed for divorce. She called old girlfriend and she called the guy. It is like he is preying, who does this to someone who is still married.

I told her the reason she stopped talking to him. That cheaters love cheaters. That I promise maybe in one month, maybe two, she would be on curb. He would cheat on her for someone more prettier. I said you will regret this one day. That day will come when you realize what you had, lost, how I treated you so well. How I always tried to make her happy.

I did not scream, shout, sware. I spoke as calmy as I could and told her everything I felt the past 14 days. All the hurt and pain. I have never ever cheated. I have never thought of it because of love for her.

I, me the person who just found out this horrible news spoke to her for five hours. I said 99.9 percent of people would never do this, react int his way. I told her that I hate what she did but I felt so sorry for her, I told her that I care for her and would never want anything to happen to her. I said this will never change. She cried, and said how deeply sorry she was. She said I deserved so much more, somone better.

I held her hand, I wiped her tears out of instinct. She said she is not even sure what love is anyone. I told her what I am doing is absoultely love. She hyperventilated and I rubbed her back. That is love.

I have been shown nothing. I have been treated like dirt, I am a good person, and husband. I do not deserve this. She cried and cried and cried. She said it was huge mistake. She told me that I deserved better, deserved so much more. I said that is probaly true but you are my wife. I looked at her eyes and said you look like the same person I married three years ago but I have no idea who you are now that past two weeks, who you have become. You never believed in divorce, you never believed in cheating, etc, you never wanted to hurt me.

Needless to say, I saw her with the same guy two nights later at a coffee shop on the other side of town. I was tryng to get out the area and saw them. Antother dagger in the heart. I did not confront. She obviously lied to me. She is still seeing him.

This is like highschool romance not marriage. The whole way she has treated this so far. She is now hanging out with low lifes, all firends in highschool. This has been a extremly tough past three weeks. Any suggestions? How win her back? Not talk anymore? She does not know I saw her here. I think she feels she has independence back, she likes hanging out with them because she stopped talking to them before marriage. They do not probaly ask questions, concern, etc. It is easy. She precupies her time now. She is always busy. ALways busy to not think about situation. Anyone has similar story? Sorry for being so long but needed to get some of this out...

If you want her back, it can be done. You need to read all the material here on affairs, and follow the instructions to a T! It includes exposing the affair to the other man, his family, your family, her family, anyone else who matters. It includes having her write him a No Contact letter that you approve first, and ensuring that she actually sends it (or you do). It includes marriage counseling. It includes rules that she has to agree by and that you can monitor to ensure she's telling the truth. And it includes BOTH of you learning the material here on Love Busters, Emotional Needs, POJA, lots of stuff you can do together to strengthen your marriage.

But first, she has to agree to it. IF you're up to it, let us know and we'll help you through it. Good luck!

Cat

Can you or someone else on here PLEASE tell me why, oh why in Gods name, this guy can't be arrested, or sued or something? I mean, is there, or is there NOT, laws against stealing? I mean, barring getting ragged at by some PC freak, your WIFE BELONGS TO HER HUSBAND. AND HER HUSBAND BELONGS TO HIS WIFE. You are part of each other, no longer seperate but ONE. I mean I realize that the cheating spouse would get angry, but so what? They get angry at ANY attempt to end the relationship ANYWAY. IF there IS NOT a law against this garbage, there ABSOLUTELY should be. I mean the behavior is EXACTLY that of a drug addict. Looking you right in the eye, lying to you and then as SOON as the chance comes along BANG!!!!! Doing the DOC once again. God, I feel so bad for Brian. I feel the frustration and the confusion of hating, loving, angry, longing ALL ROLLED IN TO ONE FEELING!!! I don't know, I think if society made a cheating couple a object of ridicule and scorn, people would think a bit harder before ruining someone elses life. I mean look at what is held in esteem these days, PERSONAL freedom, FINDING ones self, the idea that we automatically DESERVE each and every impulse we experience. Its ridiculous. Good luck Brian, again, shes damn lucky you love her so. And really think long and hard before you BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS. After reading alot of these posts over the last 2 or 3 weeks, its seems that the only time an adulterer tells the truth is when their mouths are closed. I wish you could get your marriage back the way you want it AND nail this horses [censored] to a tree.

Ive read or heard somewhere that some people start looking for that 20% in life they dont have rather than be happy with the 80% they do.

My wife and I are divorcing and as hard as it is too say, its my fault for acting exactly like your doing. As much as it hurts, as much as you feel like the world is ending, step back from her and act like nothings wrong. Have a life work out go bowling do whatever you enjoy doing, I lost myself in alcohol and it aint fun believe me.
His needs Her needs was a very good book to go buy, read that and it will help alot. my wife didnt buy into it and sometimes that is the case, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.
I wish you the best of luck....

Update... I have now not spoken to my wife since last Wednesday night. It has been very difficult. Difficult not waking up next to her. Difficult not going to bed next to her. Difficult thinking about her kissing another man and being with someone else. Difficult each morning woundering what she is doing. I want to call eachday but I do not. Is this normal? Should I call or how long should I wait? Our lawyers and us meet in mid-March. It is amazing how I feel so alone, like a stranger, when I have given 100 percent to saving our marriage. I truly felt this could have worked but it as if she has another life and I must be a distant memory.

I have gotten back to going to the gym. I am in great shape but I did not work out during the past three weeks. It was always a way to relieve stress. I have also started to eat normal again. I have only had a couple drinks so that is not a problem and have talked a lot with family. It still doesnt take the pain that my wife and I may never be again.

brian,

i know it hurts, but now is the time to work on YOU.
Focus on the positive. Try your best to anyway. Just b/c you are getting a divorce does not mean it's over. EVen if you do get one, it still doesn't mean it's over.

First of all, are you guys born again?
If yes, the bible says,"If the other person does not want to dwell with you; let them go"!!
Should you make it work? Yes
How? In God's hand not yours.
Do the right thing & pray.
Asked God direction and HE will direct you and freely give you wisdom.
Make it hard in the divorced proceeding, thing king that she is having an affair? What is the benefit after you find out? What she does is not your responsibility. You only responsible with your own action.
The bible says, deal law with law and spiritual with spiritual. So, see your lawyer tomorrow and asked God to deal with your wife.

Hope this will help.

Love in Christ,
ST

Have you found a job yet, Brian?

Any contact with your W?

No, not yet... I have an interview on Monday. I had a couple phone interviews that went well recently. I am also considering grad school route. My life has changed so much and I need to consider all options now. I

Basic contact via phone. She said she needs time, time to reflect, and think about herself. She is going to counseling, not me and she did all of this. I guess good in some way but still... She has only thought about herself since day 1. Not called like I have to see how things are, see how doing, work, etc. I will see her today with my lawyer and hers for first time in six weeks. This will be hard but get through. Thanks for question.

Good luck.

And I hope you really consider the grad school route, now when you have a good opportunity for it. It will pay off for the rest of your life. Plus, it will give you something good to focus on for the next year.