I am drowning, and don't really want to come up for air.

MW,

I truly, truly understand the pain you are experiencing. There were days when I actually planned out not coming up for air. It gets better.

I recently read a card that talks about grief, that it comes in waves and you just need to ride the wave. Hopefully you don't mind the ocean.

My point is, this too shall pass. Seek comfort from G-d. ask him for help, and come here and talk about your feelings. Let the others on here help you get through it because they understand as we all have been there.

{{{{{{{{MortallyWounded}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Could you recap your current situation on this thread?

Thread consolidation! I was in two places, didn't realize -- been out of focus, just typing typing, trying to get it OUT. I have one person to talk to besides my counselor, and I don't want to wear her out!

His mother knows and is mad at him, but doesn't want to be involved.

His best friend knows, but he's a man, and says he doesnt understand my upset (*slaps forehead*)

I tried to cobble the two threads into one timeline. I hope it helps.


-------------------------------------------------------
Friday before Christmas I discovered he'd had a cell phone texting affair with his boss. (avaerage of 800+ per persona month!) this is a small small town, just about everybody knows now and there are no other opportunities unless we uproot the whole clan. he says we can't leave b/c we just relocated our elderly parent here.

At first I thought we would be ok, we talked a lot. Then, he just sort of withdrew - literally and in so many ways, over the last couple of weeks. I thought he was grieving the loss of this "intense friendship" yet is still seeing her everyday at work and that makes it hard. He says that she is keeping herself scarce.

Now, yesterday, he says he never wanted to marry me, he feels my friends and I railroaded him into getting married, even though he asked me, called the preacher and set the date. We'll be married 4 years tomorrow.

he's sorry he didn't stand up for himself then, and he's not sure he wants to be married now. One moment he is happy and affectionate and the next mean and grumpy and unclear on what to do. He wont go to counseling, or read much although I have two of dr H's books and have printed volumes of other things. He says he is numb, he can't feel anything, can't think, doesn't know what he wants...and where does this leave me? We have a ten year history of being really tight friends, then married - what happened? Where did it go wrong? He cannot pinpoint when he lost his feelings for me.

The last few years have been stressful for me, my mom died on the other side of the country, then dad got sick and I stayed with him two months. Then I came home and was sick, turns out it was my gallbladder, but I was still sick after. Later diagnosed with fibromyalgia, then right before christmas (and DD) that I have rheumatoid arthritis. I am applying for disability because I am literally unable to work, and that is when he really started getting weird on me.

My 16 year old is refusing to go to school, hasn't been for three weeks. My job is stressful and bad, I hate that my job is high profile, when I am out, which is more and more frequently as the stress piles up, I get into more and more grief from my boss who denies that we are overstaffed or that I am sick.

Now my dad, 91, is in a nursing home having cardiac problems.

what do I do first? I've been on my knees, please help pray with me! How do I win him back when all I can do is cry and cry and cry?

I know ultimately in the end, I will be ok, its just this LIMBO that I cannot abide.
-----------------------------------------------------------
We live in a small town, and everyone knows this woman and her antics. She has boyfriends and lovers all over the place, and half her family works there as well. Her H chooses not to notice.

Two hellish days ago, my H said that it had nothing to do with her, but that while he still had love for me, he did not want to be married to me anymore. He says he is just numb and does not know what he wants.

I have chosen to stand fast, and try to dodge the pendulum when it swings. Yesterday was our anniversay. He was upset that I got him something, but I get things months in advance, so what was I to do, plus, I get a lot of joy from giving to other people. I don't care if I get something in return.

He offered to take me to dinner but I said no, so he offered to snggle on the couch, so we did. His body language was a little better than it has been, but his eyes are so empty and --- scared looking.

Wow, there was so much dialogue but not a whole lot of speaking. I did tell him that he is worth loving and being happy and that he had many fine qualities, that he should forgive himself.

I asked him to try and keep all the good things in the front of his mind, and to turn away from the negative thoughts. Today, seemed better. He is still in limbo, and on the swing. Moving is something we could do, but it would have to be far, there is literally no work around here. I also do not know how that would affect my disability process.

He said he felt sorry for me, which made me mad, he said he didn't feel like I deserved the pain, and I knew he was talking about the physical pain, but he said he was sorry for my emotional pain as well. This raw, black gaping infected wound? emotional pain? well, I guess that is as good as it gets.

My H family is the kind that ignores the elephant in the room, they make adjustments for its presence, and everybody put on a happy face, lets make brownies! and they just do not Relate. My family likes to talk it out, get it done, make a solution, work the plan, if the elephant wont leave, we'll cut it into pieces and carry it out, then have brownies.

I knwo I will be ok either way, I'd rather suceed for the sake of my kids, who have not known any marriage to last, except my parents, and it was mighty disfunctional. He said that would be a good goal and he'd work on it.

SO for now, I am in standby mode. Im praying fervently, every moment. God has already answered prayers - I keep a prayer diary and just when I think things are never going to change, I look at that and go WOW He did work some magic overnight!
---------------------------------------------------------------
When I talked to him about leaving his job, he became visibly upset and almost started to cry. He then admitted that she was part of the reason he didn't want to leave. They have a "connection" but its not physical (ahem?)

He said he has closed down his feelings for her and right now he is trying to decide if he wants to be alone or married. He is not sure he wants to stay with me.

He admits that he is running from dealing with the situation and using me, meaning, he knows I am standing for him while he runs around like a chicken with his head cut off. He just text me two nights ago, not coming home, he did not go to her, he went to some friends house (they called me) and didn't want to talk, just hung out until morning then they brought him home.

He was a little warm and loving, said he loved me, but....then crawled back in his shell...when he comes out, he acts mad at me. Then later, he'll be a little affectionate and says he loves me. That is all he can give me, he has no new words for me.

what do I do? What do I do? I can see he is depressed. But this is killing me. He acknowledges that he is making things worse by running from it. He knows what he needs to do but is paralyzed to take the action.
--------------------------------------------------------------\
I have read a LOT of stuff on this website, and I have the his/her needs book. He doesn't want to read or hear any of the stuff I have.

Our conversation last evening was that he should have taken more time for himself before jumping into this relationship ten years ago (total copout). He cannot seem to find anything good we have or anything we have in common. He is re-writing history although he denies it. He picks on the littlest of things, like my friendship with his childhood friend, who is now my anchor. We pray together, and do things together and that just infuriates him.

Yes, I am on anti-depressants, I take double the recommended dose b/c it helps with my myofascial pain (dr rx). I stay in a constant state of high anxiety. I have two antianxiety drugs, Ativan seems to be working the best at the moment, I have Xanax as well, but even at the high dose, it breaks through. I suffer panic disorder as well, my mom did and daughter (16) does as well.

He admits that he knows what to do to fix this but that the things I've done (specifically being friends with his friend, who is best friends with the OW sister - my/his friend has kept our confidence, it's not been spattered around town or to her BF) make him mad and he can't get past it.

He says he is in a tunnel, that he is just shut down, that he is trying to decide if he wants to be alone or be married. He said his love for the OW is definitely shut down, and he does come in and tell me when he has seen/heard from/talked to her.

So asking him to move or look for another job is impossible b/c he is so uncertain if he wants to remain in any relationship.

Occassionally, there are glimpses of hope, like this morning, our eyes met, and I saw HIM in there. I thrive on the little bits of him that seem alive, and respond to them, but they are so infrequent. Its like a starving person trying to stay alive on little cracker crumbs the mice leave. After he left for work, I just broke down and cried myself back to sleep.

I want my OLD husband back, not THIS one! I don't know what to do to catch his eye.

Of course, it is hard for me to be or feel attractive. I put on makeup, I cry it off. My face is sagging, I'm exhausted, wrung out. I'm in physical pain, too, and the weather is making it worse. I am seeing a counselor, and she would see him too, but he won't go, scoffs at the idea. She says for my health I need to tell him to leave, but I don't want to. I want somebody (God, are you listening?) to slap him upside the head and knock some sense into him.

Thank you all here for listening and offering.
----------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one helped me a lot.

Even though the disicples were doing exactly as the LORD had asked, the storm came up suddenly and without warning. They finally called on Him. He calmed the storm. The question that I have burned in my mind is "Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?" He will calm your storm.

It is hard, as you know, to Let Go and Let God. I'm trying, believe me.

He says he loves her differently than me, they just click, there is no sex, but they have hugged (hey, just repeating). He says he is not sure if he wants to be alone or be married to me. He says he is trying to get his head back around where it should be. He will not quit his job.

So, my choices: Stand and wait, being "happy" on the outside, and breaking down into uncontrollable crying when he's not around, or after he leaves for work (or comes home from work, or goes to bed)? going on with my life as though he is insignificant?

or, asking him to move out, so that he can have his space? This would end my pain, no doubt. Im having chest pain (Stress Cardiopathy) and my RA is flared up in full force, I am in physical pain from that as well as fatigued.

When do we decide to stay or go? Why do I want to stay? so I can say with all surety in my heart that I did everything in my power to let the love return. That I let God work His miracle, or that God set us free from each other.

How long can I last? I see people here going through this for years, and the thought of another hour, even, causes me to want to die.

The moments of comfort are so small, so fleeting.

MW,

I have to tell you, and I know that a lot of people don't agree with this, but it was better for me that my WH moved out. My mental health had been a mess for more than a year and when he left it really gave me the chance to get MYSELF better.

People say that if you separate, it's hard to get them to come back. That is probably true. But your health is more important to your well being. And without a stong sense of self as well as a healthy self, you cannot have a healthy relationshp with anyone else.

This question has many points to look at.

How long can it last? Do you mean the affair, if so there are statistics out there that say it will end and within a certain amount of time. But when it's your situation even one more day seems like eternity and you wonder HIS A will be the one to last.

In the beginning someone told me I had more control that I thought I did. I didn't see it at all. I think I am one of the ones in the worst situation that looks just about as hopeless as possible. What I am finding today is that this journey is becoming about me more and more each day and less and less about him.

You don't know the outcome, you can't control it and you can't fix it. That is up to G-d and he has a plan.

How long can it last, well that would be up to you. How long are you willing to walk through this and try to recover your M. If you want to recover your M, then you begin by Plan A and reading as much as you can. Ask questions, and start to evaluate who you are as a person and see if there are any changes in yourself that you want to make.

Is this fair, NO WAY, but it is what it is. One miniscule second at a time you will get through it. You aren't alone on here and many of us on here will walk through this with you as you need us.

I believe in you. I believe that if you are able to let your FAITH and trust of G-d in, one day it will be easier. I can promise that. Unfortunately I can't say when and I NEVER thought it would happen where I didn't want to die. But today, and just for today I don't want to.

I want to live and build my new life. G-d has HUGE blessed plans for me and I want to go with him and let them in.

I am here for you, please know that.

Thank you all, thank you, for the kind words, and words of support.

not alone! I'll get through it! breathe! FAITH!

i wish I could just curl up into a ball until it is all over. fat chance! They say to use the anxiety as energy to rebuild yourself. I will try. I will make it. I will make it.

You will get through this. I totally understand wanting to curl up and just hide until it's over. I don't know what they say about anxiety, I just knew I had it and hated it.

You will make it.

But it will take time. But all you have to do is today. And all you have to do today is this minute and I am not kidding when I say sometimes it was praying second by second to get through the second because the pain was so awful.

I would take naps during the day when I needed to make time go by. I would cry, scream, write, talk on the phone, come here, cry some more, plan my suicide (I've since stopped that). I would have horrible days in a row and then one day when I would feel stronger like I could make it. I didn't want to go to sleep on those days. And then it would hit again and I would struggle just to survive the day. And I did.

Then I had a few ok days in a row, only to be hit again, but the one day I had a great day, and crashed and burn. It's truly only been recently where I have more good days than bad. And it's almost been 9 months since D-day for me.

It's long and slow and painful. You have suffered a huge trauma and need to just nurture your soul.

this morning he was very nice, very affectionate, said that we'd spend time together today. I hear funeral dirge everytime he says that, it rarely happens. This evening he calls and sounds morose, he has work to do at his mom's (across the street) then he has to take the guy that is helping him home and he'll be right back.

I was tired, didn't cook, good thing, too, because the minutes/hours ticked away and he just got home - of course been playing pool, smoking weed, drinking. was all friendly went he got into bed, started snoring right off, so I'm sleeping on the couch, which is comfortable, but really makes me mad - [bold]I[/bold] should be the one in the bed and him out there, but hey, once he's out, he's out.

SOooooo I guess this is another test - how much of a doormat will I really be this time (drinking is frowned on around here, my dad was a drunk, first H a drunk and druggie, Do Not Want that in my life).

In the morning, I am going to practice my Plan A/non confrontational words and put them to the test the next time I see him - who knows when that will be? he is definitely rambling now. Running! Running like the devil!

I think he may be gathering up the courage to say good bye, this is my instinct talking, but then I've been wrong before! I just don't see him suddenly getting hit with a conscious, running in the door to find me and tell me he wants to make it work.

Dang, I wish he did not work with her! It would be so much easier!

She has two boys, one is 16 and is my H best good buddy. I dont want to break his heart, but I feel like letting him in on mommy's little secret. I'm just talking here, it will never happen, I'm not the vengeful kind. But that would get her attention.

Here is a note from my bestest friend....she is best friends with the OW sister (who does not know) The OW's H is well off, they own a lot of land, have some farmland and animals. It would be too much to give up for a man who really has nothing. He can fit everything he cares about in the trunk of is car. Ok, well except his toolbox, that requires a truck. But really, he is just low maintenance, she is high maintenance. Blonde (sorry) blue eyes, loud mouth, pushy, gets her own way, has a sack full of faces that she pulls out to get what she wants.... ok, end the rant, here is my latest note from P.
----------------------------------------------------
I have said all along
that I don't think that it was anything that would
ever last. They just don't seem to be for one another
- I said from the start that if they could actually
have each other openly - they wouldn't want each other
anyway. I still think that. So I agree that it will
fade. But I think it will take longer to happen if he
is only staying away because he is told to. He has to
come to the realization himself. And how? I don't know
- but I think this gives good advice as to how. Like
I have said before - he KNOWS that you love him. And
he will figure out that she really doesn't. You are
going through alot for him right now. She is not going
to go through anything or give up anything for him -
cause he is not really that important to her in that
way anyway. He is important to her for her job. I do
truly believe that. But she would never want him
taking Darrins place in her life. Because of that -
this thing can never really go anywhere. It cant go
where he maybe had hoped it would. So it will get old
and as this article said "fade out". He will see that
she is not really there for him like you are. He
feels so important to her, becasue I am sure that she
has made him feel that way because of how important he
is to her and the job. That made him feel good. And
the feelings went from there. Although she may be
flattered by how he feels for her - and may have some
sort of feelings for him from all of this - I don't
think that she is going through the same level of
feelings that he is. He will see that. I just worry
about you while he is figuring all of this out. Like
this thing said =- you have to take care of you!!!!!
And you have to know - like it said here - DO you
REALLY want to save this marriage??? If you do - then
you gotta be tough - be ready for MORE heartbreak -
more knockdowns. And be willing to face up to it, if
at anytime he makes it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that working
it out is NOT what he wants. But at this point, I
don't really see that at all. So be strong, be
understanding to some point I guess, and hang in
there!!! I am hanging in there with you! If hanging in
there is what you are going to do - if that is your
decision for sure - then encouragement is what you
will get from me. So get with it - and win that man
back!!!!! love P.

(in case you missed it in an earlier post, P and my H were childhood buddies, they thought they were brother sister. Besides my MIL, P is my only female friend, and the only one that knows my H well).

Sorry this is so long. Like you've got better things to do!

Have you let OW's husband know what is going on? You need to do that.

When will you stop crying uncontrollably? It was 3 almost 4 months for me. Varies from person to person and the kinds of medication you are on.

we can't really talk, b/c he gets all out of shape, he's never been able to talk about the Deep Stuff.

So I've thought about saying this on paper. Would like your thoughts.
-----------------

I can see this is wearing you down. Eventually you will get tired of it, and make a change. Until you decide to step in or step out, take your time, take your space. I can give you that, nothing more.

Soon, you'll stop running and have to face your future. You can accept who you are and still make positive changes that aren't so hurtful to yourself and the people around you. Misery is an option you seem to have chosen - unnecessarily chosen, in my opinion.

This is hard for you. Its hard for me too, hard for all of us. You've always been after me to be positive. Now, it's your turn. If the bad feels better than the good, then you have your answer. Search over.

--------------------------------------


maybe too much, huh? oh well. I will keep trying.


how about this as a possible letter to OW?


W, (her name starts with a W)

R. is struggling with issues, such as deciding if he wants to be alone or remain married. His relationship with you plays a big part in his struggle. Perhaps the whole part. I know he loves you in some special way. I do not know how you feel about him, but I do not think you are thinking of trading in D. and the boys for R. Would you consider using your influence over R. in a positive way by helping him see that the basis of our marriage was good, and that you want to help him be happy in his marriage in whatever way you can? Is it in your best interest to be a party in crumbling our relationship? I think in time if he were not around you, he could clear his head and his heart and move on. But he loves his job, and I would have a hard time asking him to leave it. But if he sees you everyday, he will remain in this fog forever. I'm asking for your help W. You both, for whatever reason, found a lull in our marriage, and took your relationship a little too far. Are you able to step back and help us recover?

Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere private to talk. Bygones can be bygones, I have no hatred or anger; I have no fear of being alone. I love my husband, R., deeply, always have. It is hurtful for me to see him this way, and for me to be deprived of the benefits of his happiness. Please prayerfully consider this, and let me know either way.

In Christs Forgiving Love,

me

Yesterday, I was browsing around the forum, and ran across a quote from Dr. H that was about the BS telling the OW to leave her H alone. It read, in part: I would encourage you to (in a nice way) ask her to leave your husband alone.

I've tried a search but no luck. Anyone recognize?
thx in adv.

W, (her name starts with a W)

R. is struggling with issues, such as deciding if he wants to be alone or remain married. His relationship with you plays a big part in his struggle. Perhaps the whole part. I know he loves you in some special way. I do not know how you feel about him, but I do not think you are thinking of trading in D. and the boys for R. Would you consider using your influence over R. in a positive way by helping him see that the basis of our marriage was good, and that you want to help him be happy in his marriage in whatever way you can? Is it in your best interest to be a party in crumbling our relationship? I think in time if he were not around you, he could clear his head and his heart and move on. But he loves his job, and I would have a hard time asking him to leave it. But if he sees you everyday, he will remain in this fog forever. I'm asking for your help W. You both, for whatever reason, found a lull in our marriage, and took your relationship a little too far. Are you able to step back and help us recover?

Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere private to talk. Bygones can be bygones, I have no hatred or anger; I have no fear of being alone. I love my husband, R., deeply, always have. It is hurtful for me to see him this way, and for me to be deprived of the benefits of his happiness. Please prayerfully consider this, and let me know either way.

In Christs Forgiving Love,

me

possible letter to OW???


W, (her name starts with a W)

R. is struggling with issues, such as deciding if he wants to be alone or remain married. His relationship with you plays a big part in his struggle. Perhaps the whole part. I know he loves you in some special way. I do not know how you feel about him, but I do not think you are thinking of trading in D. and the boys for R. Would you consider using your influence over R. in a positive way by helping him see that the basis of our marriage was good, and that you want to help him be happy in his marriage in whatever way you can? Is it in your best interest to be a party in crumbling our relationship? I think in time if he were not around you, he could clear his head and his heart and move on. But he loves his job, and I would have a hard time asking him to leave it. But if he sees you everyday, he will remain in this fog forever. I'm asking for your help W. You both, for whatever reason, found a lull in our marriage, and took your relationship a little too far. Are you able to step back and help us recover?

Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere private to talk. Bygones can be bygones, I have no hatred or anger; I have no fear of being alone. I love my husband, R., deeply, always have. It is hurtful for me to see him this way, and for me to be deprived of the benefits of his happiness. Please prayerfully consider this, and let me know either way.

In Christs Forgiving Love,

me

MW, Remember I am NO EXPERT.

I'm missing the point where you would write a letter to the OW?

Can I ask you a difficult question. I have been there in your shoes, I truly truly understand the devastation this brings on yourself.

Do you understand the basic principles, you can't fix him or make him do anything? Do you understand he is living in a fog and probably is unteachable to any notions at this point in time.

Are you in Plan A? If so, what changes are you making in yourself that you want to make that are just for you?

MW, here is my take on this. Just so you know, I am a FWW, in recovery for 2 years...

Don't bother with the letter right now. WRite it for yourself if you want to but it would just be fodder for the affair.

DO EXPOSE!!!!!! It's not "vengance". It's what is needed to BREAK UP THE AFFAIR!!! your husband will be furious. He'll turn it on you. what waywards fail to see is it is THEIR OWN ACTIONS that are bringing about the consequences. But so what, he'll be mad for awhile but he'll get over it once he's out of the fog. Like is often said around here, your marriage can take his anger over exposure, it CANNOT take an affair!! Expose to everyone you can think of- EVERYONE!!!! In a way that emphasizes that you are NOT seeking vengance, you're seeking an end to the affair so you can have a happy marriage with the man you love. You are doing it to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!

Also- they must not ever ever ever see eachother again, so-wait for it- he MUST find another job. But you can cross that bridge later.

You have been reading here so you KNOW what to do- Plan A and EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. Just like your best friend says, it won't stand the light of day. And like MelodyLane says, it's much harder to get your crack fix in the daylight!

And remember, part of the wayward script is to re-write history- "I should have waited, I don't know if I ever loved you," etc- straight out of the wayward handbook. Ignore it. Look for your husband, not the alien speaking fogbabble. (it may be hard to find your husband right now) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

HTH

ps, I guess I'm channeling Mimi with all my capitalization!

Somewhere on this forum is a letter from Dr Harley to a listener, that concerns contacting the OP. Does anyone have the link or copy of it by chance?