Hate is a very harsh word to use with anyone, let alone someone that you love. I am 36 and my wife is 27 and we have two beautiful kids. I thought she was my soulmate when we met. I had never even thought about getting married and thought I never would until I met her. I did love her, but a big part of me decided to marry her because we had a son on the way. He was born in June of the year we got married. We were married two months prior.

Early in our relationship, just after his birth, my wife started saying things out of character. She called me every name in the book and even said she made a mistake in marrying me. She even put her hands on me on a few occasions, but I never retaliated. I've never put my hands on a woman. The things she said stung me a bit and it was not like her to say things like that, so I just chalked it up to Post-partum depression. Months later, we had another episode and she hit me again. Needless to say, I lost my manners and decided to fire back at her, not physically, but verbally. However, not once did I insult her in anyway.

Now recently, after the marriage was looking like it had weathered the early marriage storm, she blows a situation way out of proportion and it leads to another fight. And they all seem to stem from the same thing...my playing basketball. I usually play just a few hours on Saturday and Sunday and that's all. I am in the house the remaining time unless I have to work. She always brings up the fact that I think she has no life and that I take her for granted, which is far from the truth. I think I do more than my share in our marriage. I just view her as young, immature, and just not sure what she wants to do in life. I have a stress outlet, but she hasn't seemed to find one yet. I have been playing basketball for 25 years. I played before we dated, after we dated, and will play until I can't play anymore.

Every few months, she decides to get upset and write a note to me about the same thing everytime. I finally had to explain to her that she was an emotional person and she says hurtful things without using rational judgment and common sense. She agreed she was an emotional person and at one point, I thought we had come to a peaceful resolution. But it always seems to pop up and I'm just tired of going through it. Right now, the only reason I'm sticking around is for our children. I want to see them everyday, even if I don't want to see her face.

She has accused me of cheating, being gone all of the time, and not caring about what she needs to get done on the weekend. I am usually gone on Saturday morning from 10-12 and on Sunday from 9-11:30. After that, I am home the rest of the day. And I told her if she ever needed to go out during that time to let me know. I feel I am being reasonable enough and it is a fair compromise. She just doesn't know what to do with herself and she's punishing me for it. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I've never cheated on her, I do most of the cooking, I clean, I do my own laundry, and I take care of the kids. But the only thing she can complain about is my weekend recreation. I told her I was not a perfect person and I'll try to do better, but nothing seems to be good enough.

She's hinted a few times that she made a mistake and wanted a divorce. At this point, all she'd have to do is tell me where to sign. I won't initiate it because of my kids, but she is not the same person I first met. I do love her because she is the mother of my children, but I am no longer in love with her because of the hateful and vindictive things she has said and done to me. I told her to always be mindful of what you say because it will come back to haunt you, but she doesn't listen. She gets angry and acts on emotion and puts her foot in her mouth without thinking. I know many other people have been in this type of situation. I'm just wondering what to do. I really don't know. I want to stay because of the kids, but I don't want to be around her anymore. She burned the bridges for the last time. I tried to forget those things, but I just can't anymore. I can be honest with myself and say that I've done everything I can to calm the situation by not acting in the ways that she does, but it's just not working.

Post deleted by Cherishing

Thanks for the input. I guess it's a matter of perspective what constitutes recreation and flat out obsession. When we started dating, I played basketball a minimum of 5 times per week. With marriage, kids, and her constant complaining, it has tapered down to 5 hours on the weekends. I do nothing else, but go to work.

I think I have been more than reasonable. The problem is she has no outlet of her own. Instead, she stays in the house. And sorry to hear about your husband, but believe it or not there are some people out there (me being one of them) that does not stray or even hasd a desire to stray. I wasn't raised that way. I'm a very loyal person to anyone who is loyal to me.

My mother usually watches the kids for me on Saturday morning, so she has no excuse for that day. She just needs to find something she loves doing. And no disrespect to you at all, but only people that play sports would understand where I was coming from. I would love to go bowling or play golf or just go out with the guys...but I don't. I limit it to 5 hours of weekend basketball out of respect for my family.

Thanks for your viewpoint!

Post deleted by Cherishing

Let's start with this question:

Have you ever been to counseling?

(BTW, there are lots of people on the GQ II board. They don't deal solely with infidelity there. You also might get some good help on Emotional Needs. Many of the people there are here to work on marriages that are good but have the potential to be better.)

No, we don't believe it. That's because we are all wired with the capacity to stray.

So you just gave yourself an excuse. Well done.

As to solving your original problem, are you giving your W 15 hours a week of your undivided attention?

MJR,

It would appear that you have a VERY immature wife with low self-esteem. She has no interests of her own, and begrudges you for having a long time outlet.

It also appears that Cherishing has some severe issues that have nothing at all to do with your situation, nor was her advice even close to being appropriate.

Post deleted by Cherishing

I recommend that everyone here go to the site bettermen.org, and order the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. It's a guidebook for men, on how to have a great marriage, from a man who runs a very successful program for men. Basically it says that men have to have friendships with other men, or the marriage suffers. Just as women have to have friendships with other women. (And the OP's wife is not doing this, from what I read.) It also says that men (and women) should develop a set of unalterable 'needs' that they will not give up. They are to sit down with W and discuss these needs and agree to those that are reasonable. In exchange for that - for the W not ever crossing the boundary of expecting the H to give up those needs (N.U.T.S.), the H will not take for granted his W, his home life, his family etc because he's not filled with resentment at having to 'give up everything' for her.

IMO, the wife in this case is being unreasonable and letting her low self-esteem ruin her reasoning. The H is offering for her to also have her own free time, and she is not partaking. That is HER choice and has nothing to do with H having his N.U.T.S., which in this case is 5 hours of basketball a week.

Now, that said, I think the H can take some steps to make things more appealing for the wife. Think outside the box, shake up the marriage, rekindle the romance, plan some trips just for the two of them. Stuff like that.

Aside from that, I would really, really urge the W to get outside and start living a life, among friends. If she gave them all up at marriage, encourage her to make new ones. Help her choose some community college courses to take, sign the kids up for Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts and get out and meet other people. The W needs to get a life. And the H needs to hold his ground on his basketball, BUT explain it as a right, a need, that he cannot give up. His boundary.

If it takes marriage counseling for her to understand this, so be it.

To Cherish: For the most part, I play basketball without any conflict. If I made it appear that she complains every time I play, I apologize because that's not the case. I know this is a taboo subject and men should never bring it up when it comes to women, but every few months (sometimes during THAT time of month), something triggers her to get upset about the situation and it's like a broken record. . I didn't cut my basketball short JUST because she was complaining. I cut it short because I had an obligation to her and to my kids, who are at a very young age. I wouldn't feel right being away from home for so long. I would not be able to enjoy myself.

This past situation that escalated into something more than what it should have been, had a simple solution. We were planning to go to her mother's house on Sunday because it was her birthday. I asked her on Friday, what time she wanted to go over there. She casually said she didn't know, but she had to make one stop before going over there to pick up some food. She knew I was going to play basketball Sunday morning and even on that morning, everything was fine. We were talking, laughing, and I helped get the kids cleaned up and fed before I left. I said goodbye and everything was fine. Now, normally we get done about 11:30 on Sunday morning, but this morning we happen to run over the time a bit and didn't finish until 12:30. I saw she had called my cellphone 15 minutes prior, so I just headed straight home. I got there just before 1pm and started to get cleaned up so we could head over to her mother's house.

She goes to the living room with our 6-month old daughter and sets her on the couch. I'm assuming she's still with her as I'm about to get into the shower. Just before I close the bathroom door, I hear the front door shut. I look out the window and she's leaving without saying a word, with the baby on the couch. Now if I would have gone into the shower without knowing she had left and something happened to the baby, it would have been due to her childish act. Those are the types of things that cause me to view her as immature and childish.

I took the baby into the bathroom with me, took my shower, got dressed, and took the kids over to her mother's house, where she had already gone. We didn't say a word to each other. I waited until we got home to ask her if I did something to upset her. She blows up and says, once again, that I have no consideration for her, and that I don't think she has a life. I told her when I asked what time she wanted to go to her mom's house, she didn't know. If she would have just given me a time to be home, I would have been home. Instead, she assumed I would be home at my usual time and when I wasn't, she got upset. When she gets upset and emotional, she becomes very irrational and loses alot of common sense. She says that when she called me, I didn't answer. At this point, I got upset along with her and yelled at her. I said if I'm playing basketball, I don't know if my phone is ringing. I don't carry it with me while I'm playing.

In some defense otoher argument, I might have been able to check my phone to see if anyone called, but sometimes during basketball, that's where all my focus is concentrated. If she simply would have told me what time she wanted to go to her mother's, none of this would have happened. In our last argument a few months ago (which was unrelated to basketball), she even acknowledged that she was an emotional person and gets upset easily, after I pointed it out. But every time she gets upset, all reasoning goes out the window and she reverts back to saying hurtful things due to her immaturity and inability to deal with the situation.

I have no problem with us doing things together, but to say I'm being unfair by choosing 5 hours of basketball over her and because she has no outlet for stress is unbelievable. Just before the birth of our daughter, I trained 3 days a week in mixed martial arts. She never had a problem with that. I even decided to stop training to help out with the baby. I even asked her what she thought. She said she didn't mind if I trained, but I chose not to because I felt it would have been too much on her. When should giving in have a stopping point? How much of my life should I have to give up in order to make her happy, when she's not happy with herself? If she found something she enjoys for 5 hours a week, would that finally make it fair? I can't make choices for her. She has to grow up like I did. I've made too many sacrifices for someone to say every few months that I play too much basketball. There has to be point in a man's life where he does not have to do everything a woman says just to make her happy. I'm a husband, not a servant. It should be both ways. The difference is that many women just tend to become more emotional about certain situations. I have yet to meet a woman that is fully satisfied. They are the more emotional creatures in a relationship and because men are not, we are sometimes viewed as being inconsiderate if we don't answer to all of their emotional needs. Answering to all a woman's needs is simply impossible. And if we do do everything they say, then we're viewed as soft and not having a backbone. Women don't want a man to do everything they say.

One final note...Imagine if men acted in the same manner as women. Do you really think those relationships would last? If we were to tell women every time they did something to hurt our feelings or something we didn't like, it would be a constant fight or even separation. Instead, we as men put our feelings on the back burner mainly to spare women's feelings. Also, because we just don't get upset at the things women get upset about.

If the only thing my wife has to complain about is my 5 hours of weekend recreation activity, then she should talk to those wives whose husbands beat on them, or cheat on them, or come home drunk every night, or come home late every night, or never help around the house, or can't keep a job. Again, I think I am being more than reasonable.

To BHHFS Guy: Yes, we all have the capacity to stray, but it doesn't mean we are all weak to give in to temptation. My conscience won't allow me to stray. It's just wrong. And loyalty is not exclusive to infidelity. It's not an excuse, it's a way of life that I choose.

To cinderalla: I posted on the GQ II board, but someone said it was just for Infidelity issues, so I just deleted it.

I have to tell you Cherishing, your post is shocking. His wife is physically abusive....verbally abusive and obviously has a few screws loose and you are questioning HIS valuing his wife???


Would you tell a woman that was being hit by her husband and verbally abused that she should stay home all the time?

I really am shocked you wrote that post. You do not POJA with an abuser.

I think Myrev and CP are 100% correct.

I worry about any husband that is married to a woman that is either like this or sees a problem with this mans actions.

Well, actually I asked you what brought you to an infidelity forum (MB). I think it was fine that you were there...I was just wondering what brought you to marriage builders.

Thanks. I'm fairly new and I'm not too familiar with the sight yet.

I feel this is the main problem with men and women. Why do you feel that it's just women that get to a point where they are done? Do you feel that a woman's feelings should be placed above a man's feelings? Before our marriage, any woman I dated that ever cursed me, cheated on me, or did something I didn't like, I NEVER gave them a second chance. I've given my wife SEVERAL chances. The first time I heard my wife say she hated me and wanted a divorce and slapped me while I was holding our son, I was so devastated because I had never gone through that before. I actually cried because it hurt me deeply. But I pushed through it. However, that may be the problem now. After three years, those episodes of her hurtful words and putting her hands on me when ANY other man would have beat her into the ground, has stuck in my mind and I don't look at her the same because of it. I may be hanging on for the wrong reason.

When we are peaceful and she's sweet like she was when we met, I can tolerate her, but I still can't help but remember the things she said and did on several occasions. If there were no children in this relationship, I would have long been gone...and would have been happy with my decision. But the kids are the glue right now. So women are not the ONLY ones to get fed up, don't mistake it.

IMHO, MJR, this poster obviously is blind when it comes to abuse against men. She is excusing your wifes horrid behavior and frankly I don't get it unloess there is something about your situation that strikes a chord with her.

Cherishing...do you think a woman strking a man is abuse? Do you think this is less serious than a man striking a woman? Have you hit your H?

And since you have been playing basketball all of these years...it would..using Cherishing's thinking...require the POJA to have you STOP doing something you are doing.

But bottom line is...YOU do not POJA with an abuser. Your wife has serious mental problems. Next time she strikes you...have her arrested. I personally have locked up a lot of women for hitting their H's.

She's actually only struck me twice and the last time was almost 2 years ago. I think she finally figured I wasn't going to get sucked in and hit her back, so she just stopped. I told her I thought many times of hurting her, but I was smart enough to know that if I did that, she would use it against me in the event of a custody battle.