I moved in with my boyfriend and we bought a house. both thinking we were going to get married. I am haveing second thoughts. we have a joint account which I pay all the bills out of. I want to seperate it in to seperate accounts and pay 50/50 on all housold expenceces. This is not going to go over well with my boyfriend. any suggestion on how to approch such a touchy subject.

Don't forewarn him or you'll end up with nothing (he'll get mad and make a dash for the bank and take all the money himself).

Go to the bank...withdraw the money and move out on him the same day. Then you won't have to deal with any of your affair partner's anger.

Just go.

Have your "boyfriend" communicate with your husband and settle up the household bills and the eventual sale of the house with him (or, better yet, your attorney).

If he goes nuts, call the cops and get a restraining order.


First things first...have you told your husband the truth yet. I can almost guarantee he will help you get out of that self-destructive affair relationship. Even if you don't reconcile...he will help you.

Mr. Wondering

Your reply was not very helpful.

Do you have a lot of money of your own in this account?

If not, I'd simply open another account in your name and start depositing your paychecks in it.

If your BF puts up a fuss, so what? Tell him you have your reasons for doing it and if he cannot respect your autonomy then you cannot respect him.

Unlike the previous response, I'll try to actually answer your questions, which was how to talk to him about it, not how to do it without talking to him about it.

Clearly, there's no way you are going to be able to discuss this issue of household operation without also discussing why you are doing it. You can't look at it as "How do I tell him I want to split the finances?" You have to look at it as "How do I tell him everything, how I feel, and why I feel that way?" You're having second thoughts about marriage for a reason, most likely several reasons. You're not going to get out of having to address those issues, because he's going to demand answers for why you're breaking your ties to him. So, in answer to your question, you approach him when you know you both have a LOT of time on your hands. You plan it out. You tell him it's going to be a long conversation about your relationship and finances. Get him prepared to listen. Then you come prepared to tell it like it is, not in a demanding way, but just as matters of fact. Be prepared to be the bigger person when he reacts emotionally. Listen to what he has to say, acknowledge his feelings, and respond with yours. Depending on how he reacts, you may find you don't want to separate anymore. If all else fails, you may have to take the more radical actions described above in order to protect yourself and your money.

As always, take with a grain of salt.

Thank you for your answer.

Are you worried that he will act irrationally? From your other posts I am concerned that he stalks you--that he is an abusive alcoholic and might hurt you.

Why does she need to talk to her affair partner about leaving him? Does she need his permission? Does she think she'll somehow get him to enthusiastically agree to it? There is no point. Breakups aren't mutual.

He does act irrationally at times. He has a drinking problem he will not admit to. in the past he has stalked me. he has controll issues when it come to me. but so far he has not hurt me. but I dont want to take any chances and push him to far and this be just to much for him to take. I do evenutally want to move out when I have enought money to get a place of my out I just dont know much he will be able to take before he might snap

Do you have some place you can go--people to protect you in case he flips out on you?

No I dont have any family where I live. It is just me and my daughter. that is why it is so important I save up some money to move out. which is why it is importnat to start going 50/50 on the mortagage and the house bills so I can save up some money.

Can you set up an account in your daughter's name and move money into this account every week---call it a college fund?

I didn't gather she was referring to an affair partner. She didn't indicate that in her post. She said boyfriend. There was no mention of a marriage or an affair.

She has some previous threads on the site and if you read them, you'll see that her current live-in boyfriend is her affair partner. To be with this man, she divorced her 'wonderful' husband, who doesn't know anything about the A or this AP. And now she's discovered that her AP is 'controlling,' etc. It seems pretty obvious to me she should just leave her AP. Trying to negotiate it with him or let him down easy is an unnecessary waste of energy.

It sounds like you have come to realize that you cannot marry this man. So, the time has come for you to move out now. You have a daughter and you have to think about her first. Thinking of her first means not raising her in a home with a man who has a drinking problem, who is unstable and with whom you won't make a life-long committment. You may not have family where you live, but you do have a family. If you don't have the means to make a move out on your own then you need to go home to family.