I have a thread on JFO and I started to move over to IR, but I'm here because, 2 months from d-day seems like I didn't "just find out" but I'm not sure that we're "in recovery".

I thought my W and I were on our way to improving our M by working on a number of things that required attention but I found out this morning that she harbors a deep resentment of me because I told our kids about her A. Long story short, her OM was my son's coach and I felt that I needed to tell my S so that he heard about it from me rather than someone else and so that he would understand why certain changes were going to be made regarding his team, etc.

My W told me today that she believes that my decision to tell my S (and following that, my two older children) was motivated by my desire to "punish" her.

We have discussed my decision many times since d-day and I have been unable to present my reasons in a way that would allow her to see that my motivation was to do what I believed (and still do) was right for my son, my other kids and our family.

I don't believe that my M has a future as long as my W resents me. And I don't see what I can do to change how she feels. I am out of words to try to explain my decision.

She has not spoken with the kids about the A other than very briefy immediately after I told them. She says that she is afraid that they will always think of her as a "sleazy wh***".

My W has always been steadfastly opposed to counseling but she did say today that she feels this is her problem and that she has thought about seeking professional help. I am somewhat concerned that the counselor will side with her but I suppose that's not worth worrying about.

I suppose I should continue to Plan A while she tries to work through this but it is difficult. I have tried to be as reassuring, patient, comforting, helpful, patient, etc as I can but we are stuck on this point. And it bothers me that this anger is directed at me when she was the one that chose to have the A.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I know I need to hang in there. There's just something that feels like insult added to injury and I suppose I'm just indulging in some whining about that.

I'm really in no position to add a lot here, however I'll give you my gut feelings:


Nothing you can say will change how she feels. Only she can change how she feels. I would only recommend saying "I'm sorry if its not how you would have handled it, however for me I was just doing what I thought best for everyone involved. I acknowledge that it has created additional difficulties I did not foresee" or words to that effect.


Isn't the entire point of a counselor that they are supposed to be neutral and attempt to get to the root of the problems? I wouldn't worry about this too much, unless you know the counselor in question and have some reason to suspect him/her.

Tell her counseling sounds great, and you would be happy to set up an appointment with the Harley's for you both.

Right now, she sounds very foggy.

Has she sent a no contact letter to OM? A letter that you read and sent yourself?

Are you sure that she has been completely no contact since d-day? If not, everytime she has contact, she is back at day one in withdrawal.

Telling your children was the RIGHT thing to do. Your wife resents you interfering in her affair. Her thinking still sounds very wayward. She wants a reason to be mad at you so she can continue to justify her actions in her head.

I highly suggest contacting the Harley's. They are worth every single penny.

Do NOT say this. There are no "additional difficulties". Your wife is just still in the fog speaking fog babble.

They ALL speak it. Then when they actually do come out of the fog, they are horrified by what the said and what they did.





Many, many counselors are not pro-marriage. By that, I mean their goal is to help people divorce, not help them put their marriage back together. The Harley's goal, on the other hand, is to restore marriage whenever possible.

So, no, many counselors are NOT neutral. And many will NOT have the same goal as you. And many do not understand how to heal a marriage from infidelity, and yet, they practice "marriage counseling".

tired-

I have been following your sitch in JFO. You are in the same spot that I am. WW currently hates me for telling the kids, and is saying that while there was little hope for recovery before, now there is no hope whatsoever. All I can say is hang in there. You did the right thing regardless of the outcome of your M.

She sent a NC email (and bcc'd me) about 5 days after d-day. She later said that she felt that she was under duress and sent it in an effort to keep me from exposing to OMW and to my S.

But, I am reasonably certain (whatever that means) that there has been NC. I exposed the A to OMW a while back, the OM stepped down as coach, several of our friends know, etc. I don't think she would take the chance that our kids would find out that she broke NC. That said, I am not so naive as to think that it's beyond her.

I was out of town for three days last week so she would have had ample opportunity to call OM if she were so inclined.

At the moment I am lying low and she is not talking very much. When the opportunity presents I will offer to set up a counseling appointment.

Aw...poor baby! Agreed, she is still in the fog. Once out, she will be (hopefully) horrified at what she has done. Until then, all you can do is continue to take the high road and be the parent that your kids look up for for your restrained, intelligent actions. Become their role model, but show compassion for their mother. You don't have to condone her, but don't teach the kids to hate her, either.

Basically, just ignore her babble. 'I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe some day we can talk calmly about what happened.'

tired & eye,

Both of you are permitting your amoral WW's to put YOU on the defensive for THEIR sins. The best defense is always a good offense.

Better you both make it clear that THEY are the ones that need to deal with the truth and your children when it comes to placing blame.

It's called blame the victim. If you let them get away with this blatant lie, you have just given them a "get out of jail" card that will be redeemed regularly and continuously until you are convinced that it was you that had the affair.

Sounds like she still isn't accepting responsibility for what happened. And even if the kids do think negatively about her, its not like they're going to think any better of her if you end up divorced in the aftermath. She thinks you should be able to get over her infidelity, and yet she can't get over the fact that you told your children, who were being effected by her actions, about her infidelity?

Yes, it is to a great extent her problem. She's still blaming you for her actions. Let her go to counseling. Encourage it. Do solid research into the counselors before booking an appointment.

I'll give you my situation and what I think and you can take it or leave it.

My WW still "hates" me for telling OMW about her A with OM and that exposure was 11-13. She thinks I should have called OM (of course, OM said the same thing to OMW so I know where she's getting that from).

WW recently said she wanted a divorce, even though I'm pretty sure the A is over. I told her that I wouldn't lie to the kids about why we were separating/divorcing. She kind of broke down at that suggestion. She asked if I was going to tell the kids she was a sl*t. I told her, of course not, but I wouldn't lie about why we were divorcing. She has been even more angry with me since that night, but I truly believe it's all just the fog of the A as others have mentioned here, that once she begins to see clearly she'll figure it out. But it might be too late for our marriage when she gets to that point.

But I decided, my kids emotional well being, understanding what is acceptable in a marriage and what isn't, and knowing that they were in no way responsible for our possible divorce was way more important than "saving" her from that shame.

The question is, in the grand scheme of things, what is more important, your kids and their future or a WW's shame?

For me it's my kids future and WW's actions have consequences, if she can't deal with those consequences, she should have thought about what she was doing.

Sorry to preach. Just how I feel.

And is that perhaps how she views her own behavior?

IMHO, she is still very foggy and has in no way withdrawn from her attachment from OM.

You have exposed to OMW right?

Who

As we say all the time around here:

Your marriage CAN survive your WW's anger at having her affair exposed, no matter how much she rages and no matter what she threatens.

Your marriage CANNOT survive your WW dating and scr*wing another man.

Your choice.
Mulan

I defer to you on this...you have been around a lot longer than me. Thank you for correcting me.

What's interesting is how often this same emotion comes out from WWs - that they are reprehensible, to be ashamed of, close to prostitutes. Basically they beat themselves up for choosing the A in terms of morality. But I never hear that coming from the WHs. Guilt, maybe, or is it just that men are stronger personality types and less likely to admit guilt or worry about public standing?

No offense or disrespect meant to you. Just don't want to give a waward ANY ammunition that they can twist and use against a BS.

TIM,

I get the feeling that NC may have been broken while you were away last week. It is not uncommon at all for a WW to seek "closure", which usually doesn't go as well as they think it should, hence the worse attitude.

Honest question ... I know how close you have been to throwing in the towel before ... if NC was broken, is this a deal-breaker for you at this point?

It may be time for a little extra snooping to see if they contacted (or are still in contact with) each other.

FWIW, I agree ... THIS SUCKS!!!

I have thought about the possibility that NC was broken (or attempted last week). Bottom line is that it's not likely that I will ever know (hey, maybe I could just ask <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

But maybe it would help if I provided some detail about the last week. I was slightly anxious as I left for my trip. So on the plane I wrote what turned out to be a lengthy letter that I felt - and still do after several rereads - discussed in a very positive but not over-the-top way our M, things we are dealing with (including the A), hope for the future, etc. In short, a letter that I kind of thought - but was not expecting - would elicit an affectionate and loving response from my W.

After emailing the letter (I know, not romantic) she replied by email, thanking me for the letter and saying that she "appreciated" everything I said, that she was in too much of a rush to respond but would later that night. Also, that she loves me, our life and our kids. She added that she didn't want me to worry while I was away about what she was doing - that she would NEVER do anything to jeopardize our M again.

I replied to her email saying that I did not send the letter with the expectation that she would write a response, that I had time on the plane to write and that I knew she was busy with the kids and had very little time. She has not written a response, but more notably, she had absolutely nothing to say about the letter upon my return home Friday night or since.

Saturday morning I asked her what was bothering her. She said that as she was taking my S to school during my trip there was a discussion on morning radio about "how to get away with infidelity" and references were made to "cheating bas*****" and "cheap wh*****" and that neither she nor my S reached to change the station. She was in tears as she was telling me this.

So, in short, I can see how her current state of mind may be truly a function of how she thinks our kids perceive her rather than being a sign of violating NC. But again, how would I know?

As for whether breaking NC is a deal-breaker, probably not in and of itself. In other words if I felt that she was working her a** off to save our M and she stumbled along the way I would probably be inclined to continue to fight. But if she is not working, and "hating" me for telling the kids, AND she breaks NC, that could be the end.

It could be NC.

It for sure is entitlement and a sign she doesn't truely get it.

It isn't time so much that heals but what you do with that time.

What extrordinary precautions have you estaqblished so that your kids can continue in their sport without risking OM being there?

As an example, my wife did not see my son play football for a year until we could swap to another club and whenever we played his old club, she stayed home.

Your wife needs to wake up and smell the roses and value the steps you took to end her affair and save your family.

There IS no room for resentment about exposure.

Your d-day is very recent. In my experience, she will still be in withdrawal and this may take a few months and she will make every opportunity to blame you for anything and everything (length of withdrawal depends on the level of emotional commitment). After that, she may still be foggy and you can expect it to take 6 months for her to really start getting it.

Lot's of ups and downs for a while.

We are over 2 years in recovery now and I assure you you can recover and it does get better.

Basically, I brought about the resignation of the OM from his paid coaching position.

Tired:

Time for your W to get a new radio station.

It's unbeveivable the information spouted by radio talk show people and others about infidelity if you haven't been thru it.

Even Yahoo yesterday posted a link about "Is you spouse spying on you" and talked about keyloggers.

When your spouse is cheating on you, all bets are off. You do what you have to do.

WHY didn't SHE change the station? Was it hitting TO CLOSE to home? Your DS might have never made the real connection, but your WW did.

NOW she feels the shame of WHAT she did. As she proceeds through withdrawal, she will learn to manage those incidents better. But she has to pass through that first.

Remember your reverse babble when she draws you into the argument about telling the kids.

WW: "I really resent you for telling our children about the A"

TIM: "I resent the fact that I had to reveal something like that about you, as well."

WW "Well the kids think I might be a cheap [email]sl@@."[/email]

TIM: "They will only think about the woman you become, not what you could have become...."

Etc.

At least she's talking to you...

IF this is one of her BIG issues, then it one of the easier ones to overcome around here.

LG