Hello everyone. I have read this board for quite a while. It provided a lot of help to me a few years ago as I went thru my own D-Day. I was the BS.
I seperated about 20 months ago, with the D becoming legal about 1yr ago.

She married her A partner after he got his D. His 3rd marriage, his atleast 8th A (but who's counting?).

I had hoped that tensions and emotions would calm down as time passes, but I believe that financial pressures on the newlyweds have lead them to focus on me as the culprit (the grape vine in town tells me that I am the lucky one because I 'got off easy', and now I don't even have to pay spousal support!).

I have three children from my marriage, whom I ensured that I got in a shared parenting agreement 50:50 timewise. In retrospect, aside from the impact on my children, I feel I have been very fortunate to escape the marriage. Again, aside from my sadness of the impact of the D on my children, I fully agree that I am the 'lucky one'.
I have learned how to become an equal part in a healthy relationship.

Now on to my specific question:

My divorce agreement says “The parties hereby designate that all of the minor children shall attend (private school) provided that Father is willing to pay the cost of tuition. Should Father be unwilling or unable to pay the tuition at (private school) Mother’s residence shall be the residence for school purposes.” This is because I wanted them to continue to go to private school while XW would rather they attend the local public school for her convenience. (the private school is several miles away, and doesn’t have busing, the new hubby has kids at the local public school).

The boys are at private school with no issues from XW. My little girl is due to start kindergarten next fall. Kindergarten is fairly expensive (over $2K) at the private school. I honestly don’t feel that kindergarten is all that critical. My older two were over prepared for kindergarten and were very bored. My little girl is just as if not even sharper then her older brothers.

Also, kindergarten is ½ day, and the private school doesn’t have busing. So the logistics for the XW would be difficult with dropping all 3 off in the morning, having to pick up daughter at half day, and then having to pick up both boys in the afternoon.

Add to that, the XW will have a newborn when school starts next fall.

So I wouldn’t have a problem with my daughter attending kindergarten at the public school. But I definitely will have her attend private school starting first grade.

But by allowing her to attend public school kindergarten am I setting a precedent that could allow XW to go to court and insist that she continue on in public school?

I asked my lawyer and he said “My only concern would be that XW could argue that she has made friends at public school and it would be detrimental to place her at a new school. However, again, I think the decree speaks for itself, and XW would have to file something with the court to have it changed if she disagreed.”

That answer doesn’t clear much up for me. Even if I am on firm ground, I don’t like the idea of having to go back to court if XW contests it.

Maybe I should talk with XW about the convenience factor for her in allowing daughter to attend public school kindergarten, with the understanding that she will attend private school starting 1st grade, and then having my lawyer draw up a legal agreement to that fact?

The problem with that is, XW and I are not on friendly terms.

Since kindergarten isn’t such a big deal to me, I would be willing to let daughter attend public school if it was easier on XW.

Honestly the money isn’t my primary concern. I would much rather pay for kindergarten at private school if it ensured that I wouldn’t be hassled about 1st grade and on.

A final bit of info, XW is filling daughter's head with the idea that all of her pre-school friends are going to public school, so if daughter doesn’t she won’t be able to see her friends anymore. So now daughter cries to me about not 'making' her go to private school because she wants to see her friends.

Again, since my lawyer really didn't do much to clear things up for me, I would be interestedin hearing everyones thoughts.

Thanks.

I'm not a big believer in letting kids decide where they go to school, just so they can stay on with their friends. Kids gain and lose friends like water. Not an issue for me.

I agree they WILL make a stink about moving her next year, though. Does the private school have an agreement with a child care facility or a YMCA, wherein the CCF or YMCA comes to the school to pick up kids and take them back to their facility? Most of ours do. That would be an option.

If not, I would definitely have the lawyer draw up an addendum XW has to sign to let D stay at public, for one year only. Otherwise, just assume she's going to the private school and let XW deal with it.

If you think $2K is expensive for kindergarten, you should see what I've paid. My son is very bright but has 'a unique learning style' which means he has some learning differences. He's intellectually gifted but has some other learning issues.

His kindergarten was $12K for a school which accepted only children of average or above average intelligence but diagnosed w/ learning differences.

Thank your lucky stars you don't have to pay for that. And, I couldn't get wxh to agree to any mention of tuition in our decree. The man earns more than 2x what I earn and he has no obligation to EVER pay tuition. Because he refused. This year, tuition is about $6,400 for him. Next year, high school will be between $8,500 and $13,000 - depending on where he goes.

You might propose to your xw that daughter be allowed to attend kindergarten at the public school and offer to pay for legal agreement that you will agree to K at the public school but then she is to attend private school.

I don't know the quality of the schools in your area but I do know my daughter has gotten a great education through our public school system. And, I know that most of the problems that exist in public schools are found in private schools also. And, just as not all public schools are created equal, not all private schools are equal.

I think it would be easier for you if d went to the private school because there would be no deviation from the decree. As for convenience for your xw, that is her issue.

Your daughter will not have substantial difficulty changing from one school to the other at the start of 1st grade. Every year, some students leave or come to every school. Enrollment is not static. And, I bet she will have at least one or two new friends at the new school should she change schools. I don't really see the adjustment being a serious issue. Kindergarten and first grade are significantly different any way.

cinderella,

Like I mentioned, money isn't an over riding concern here...
but did I mention that I had two older children already in the private school?

Is there anything your lawyer could draw up for your XW to sign in advance that she will agree to switch D to the private school in grade one? Perhaps if you put it to her that you are allowing D to attend public school for kindergarten as a favour to her but starting with grade 1 you want all your kids in the same place?

BTW, congratulations on getting your life back on track after your D.

Yes, you mentioned it. I don't know that it makes a difference. I have one child who has always attended public schools and one child who has always attended private schools.

cinderalle,
my point was that I already pay alot to that school. Money may not be the overriding concern here, but I ain't Donald Trump either.

Tabby1, thanks. that is what I am thinking. But the friggin lawyers fees with probably approach 1/ to 1/2 the cost of tuiton.....

does your exw work? if not, than it shouldn't be that big of a deal for her to pick up your daughter after school then go and get the boys later. I would put your daughter in the private school now so she stays with the same set of kids all throughout school. i am not in agreement that she goes to public then to private, i could see your ex putting up a problem due to that and i wouldn't want to do that to your daughter.

mlhb

I didn't say she should...I just said that I thought she could manage it. Well, I still think $2K is not a lot for a private school.

Ah, I get it.....the xw's new hubby has children at the public school. xw may be feeling guilty that her children go to private school and that hubby's don't. She may be sensing a pressure to get your children into the same school as hubby's children. Perhaps the hubby is pressuring her to do that...maybe he feels inadequate.

Just thinking, just thinking.

I think it mostly has to do with the XW wanting to minimize her hassle of the driving back and forth, even though it is a 10 minute drive. No, she does not work. Great job if you can get it!

I don't think XW is doing it out of inadequacy, but more out of her desire to make a "Brady Bunch" scenerio for her new "family". Daughter told me that mommy says there are no "steps" at her house. That is her way to try to marginalize me out of the kids lives. I am 100% sure she would feel differently if the kids had a step-mother at my place.

I am fortunate that I demanded and got a 50:50 split. The only problem is that XW gets the kids before and after school due to my work hours. I drop them off at XW on my way to work and pick them up from XW on my way home from work. And since daughter isn't in school yet, she is with her mother all day.

Logistically it helps me out that XW does this. In all other aspects it creates nothing but problems.

I am working to change this situation, but until daughter is in all-day school I am limited.

It will be so much better for the children and me and the situation at my house when daughter starts all-day school, and I can move to where we have busing. Then XW will be out of the picture on my weeks, and she won't have all that time to brainwash my kids.

I feel for you. Definitely get moved to get exw out of the pic during your time with the kids. I hate to see what exes do to our kids sometimes.

mlhb

Daughter told me the other night that XW told her I did very very bad things to her while we were married, and made her cry all the time. And that is why Mommy went to OM.

Aside from not being true (we were both pretty selfish to each other during our marriage, but there was no abuse, and XW gave as good as she got.), XW is justifying her affair. It turns my stomach to think how that is going to affect my daughter, and sons, when they grow up and get married.

And now I have to hope that OM (now XW husband) quits his cheating ways. He is on marriage number three (#1 and #2 both D'd due to his A's), and atleast 8 or 9th A. But how much more devestating would it be on my kids if he cheats on XW?!

Of course I would love the karma, but I don't want the horrible impact it would have on my kids.

I have found that the best way to raise my D17 is with logic. I talk to her about everything, but above all, I help her see things in terms of logic. Because it's hard to argue with it. With older kids, you could bring up the subject, and say something like 'You know that I never mistreat you, I love you 100%, and I'm not a bad person, right? So if you know that's true, does it make sense that I did XYZ to your mommy? No, it doesn't. Here's what happens when two people stop loving each other. They want to feel better. Sometimes to do that, people might try to change the way they remember something, so it doesn't feel so bad for them, the way mommy might feel bad about us not being together for you. That doesn't make her bad, either. But she might be saying things that aren't exactly the truth, so she doesn't feel bad.' Then step back and let them logic it out.

catperson,
That is very good. I will have to try that.
I get very aggrevated when I feel like I have to dfend myself against stuff like that.

It's the type of stuff that you can't win, because just by the fact that you haev to address it gives credence to it. It's like being asked "So tell us why you stopped beating your wife".

I dunno Cat - this sounds good, but it hardly qualifies for logic. It is a perception, one that I'm afraid can easily be represented differently by Rocket's ex:


Such rounds of "he said she said" will not help the kids figure things out, it will only make them feel like they are in the middle of their parents' bickering, and no one wants to be there.

I would stick to facts rather than perceptions. I would not say things like "your mommy might be saying things that aren't exactly the truth". I would simply state the truth as I know it, and leave it at that. Something like "I did the best I could do be a good husband to your mommy - I can't vouch that I always succeeded, but I tried the best I could, because I wanted a marriage to last a lifetime. But your mom wasn't happy, and decided to find another man to start a relationship with. Since boyfriends are not allowed in a marriage, we got divorced, even though I did not want that".

AGG

Good point; hadn't realized I was doing that. I stand by the logic, though, however it works out. I think it gives the kids a sense of security.

I think this would be a case of "No good deed goes unpunished".
If you try to be nice to your ex and have DD go to Kindergarten in the public school, based on what you are saying, I think it would set a precedent. If you stick to your decree now and are consistent, I would doubt she would do anything.

Anything can be contested. Lives change, circumstances change, minds change. Judges understand this and will be open to changing the orginal agreement accordingly.

You already have a signed agreement in place. I do not see the sense in having her re-agree to the original agreement. It's written, it's signed, live with it.

If I were a judge, I might see your willingness to allow your child to attend public school (even for one year) as an invalidation of the original agreement. If I were contesting, I would push that arguement.

If you are concerned whether she will contest, then I would play it safe and avoid the public school situation altogether. Stick with your original plan and enroll her in private school from the get go.

Your child probably has enough divorce induced stress already without having to move to a new home, switch schools and make new friends.

Regarding damage control, I used the logic/perception method of explaining things to my daughter and it worked/works quite well. I made sure to talk to her at her level of understanding, using analogies that she would understand at her age level. I never inferred that her mother was not telling the truth or that she was a bad person. I kept conversations about adult matters to a minimum.

Now that she is a teenager, it is much easier to talk to her on an adult level (for the most part) but I still use logic/perception quite often and at her level of understanding. It works for me.

Send her to the private school. Her brothers go there. Let your x figure out how to make it work. Sometimes you get unexpected consequences when you make bad choices. All those pick ups and drop offs are logical consequences of her choices.