Last Fall asked husband to do some counseling. We have had an ongoing issue of him looking at online porn, me finding out and being hurt. He did a few sessions by himself then I went with him.

I can't say that the porn does much for my self-esteem, but it's more the lying and sneaking that makes me upset. I've stated this on more than one occasion.

We did several sessions together with the counselor (maybe 5 or so.) There are other problems. Basically we'd get in there and he'd ask if there were any issues. Dh would say all is great, but I may have things. There were several other issues, ie: husband spending time in another room at night, not taking an active role with kids, etc. So there were other issues as well.

Long story short with the counseling though is I got tired very quickly of going in an complaining for an hour while husband sat back and when asked by counselor for feedback his responses were "I don't remember the incident"; "I'm not sure what she's talking about." He really had no feedback, basically he's happy i'm not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So last week he was away (no i'm not thinking affair of any sort.) I make mention of him probably buying a magazine... sure enough he admits it. It would have been fine if it ended there, but he follows it with "well you weren't exactly paying attention to me before I left" (love the blame!) Then I notice two new mag's, but one states on it that it was supposed to be displayed until 1/7... Umm guess he's buying and hiding them!

I'm just so discouraged. I really don't have much hope that he'll change. When in counseling he just made it that everything I spoke of must be a big deal to me, but wasn't to him (his explanation of why he didn't remember the events because they just weren't a big deal to him!)

Describing him I just feel like he's so self-centered and I don't know where to go from here....

Hi sadtonight
Doesn't sound as if the counselor knew what he was doing. The lying and sneaking over the porn is obviously a LB (Love Buster) for you. I presume that he wants to stay married but enough of this behaviour and you won't.

Does he know this?

Some men need a 2x4 to see what they need to change and are genuinely surprised when the suitcases suddenly arrive in the hallway.

Your best bet would be to counsel with the Harleys where you will get much better value for money and where you won't look like a complaining wife, I promise.

If you can't do that, start using the MB principles. Be careful to stick with the important issues (lying, sneaky behaviour). Tell him you have boundaries and breaking them has consequences. Tell him what these are! Don't say you will leave if you find porn again because you won't and then the boundary will vanish. Say he is making withdrawals from your Love Bank. Withdrawals create conflict which will make life together a misery.

If he continues, he may be addicted and you may need to leave until he agrees to get the help he needs.