I often wonder if physically not allowing them to see you has an impact on them..

Drowningman,

There are quite a few ways one can screw up a Plan B. Personally, I advocate a Plan B sooner rather than later. I think quite a few people have entered Plan B too late. In some cases, it's too late for their own sanity and the hatred sets in. In other cases, it's too late and the golden opportunity to gain respect is passed.

Don't get me wrong, if the WS respected you they wouldn't be in the A in the first place. However, a key piece of Plan B success is personal strength, exuding dignity, and actions that will earn the respect of your WS. By allowing the WS back in your life without meeting your conditions, you allow them to chip away at everything you have accomplished during your Plan B.

One must be firm and resolute in the prerequisites for accepting a wayward back into their life.

A final note, I can't emphasize enough how much I believe in "Less is more" and "Silence is Golden". If the magic time machine existed in my case, I would go back and detach sooner, letting go of things outside of my control.

Every Plan B story is a success story. It will appear that way for you when the clarity arrives after months of peace.

Just my $ .02

DM,

You got my answer on your other thread. You're looking for a magic bullet. She's on to OM2. How long will you continue to abuse yourself this way?

People will treat us only as bad as we let them.

I do know of one situation similar to yours. The poster was a woman who cheated on her H. She left him to go live the single life and were divorced.

He moved on, or did the best he could to.

She realized, after some time away from him, that she made a big mistake and that she loved him very much.

Well, she came back to him, but he was gone in his heart, had moved on, and was afraid of being hurt by her again.

He was happy to not have her back in his life.

I know because I emailed with her all the time about it. He moved on.

This may very well be you someday, but it may not be. You need to let this go and you can't do it with the idea of jolting her loose or shaking reality into her.

She feels safe because she doesn't think you will D her. She's using her as a safety net in case her dating and everything else doesn't work out for her.

Plan B. It's time.

Thanks for your replies. I think all of you are right and it's time for plan B.

I can't continue going on like this or think that anything I do is going to bring her back to reality. I guess I'm the one who needs to come to terms with reality.

I still have to hope that she'll come home, but this is the only way I could accept her. Anything less would never work. I'll be preparing.

Hi DM ~

I would say we are a Plan B success story, even though we are still thick in Recovery Mode...

I just skimmed your response so don't know a lot about what is going on in your sitch. I DO know, however, that Plan B saved my sanity. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after a 10 month false recovery, and while the first 2 weeks or so of Plan B were very hard, I started to feel SO much better after that.

In fact, at one point I asked everyone "Can you stay in Plan B foreva.....?!?!?!?! I felt that much better in it.

So, that's it. You will feel like you have a better grip on life once you get into Plan B, and the BS fog will start to lift (yes, the BS goes through a fog, especially after living with a wayward) and you will be able to see the sitch more clearly and plan your next move without all the drama.

~MF [<~~~~~~waving and big HI to Jayban!!!!]

DM,

I think that I had the same expectations that you have now, and it doesn't always work that way. I have been in Plan B almost 6 months with only one 5 min. face to face contact. I hear the my WH's A has ended, however he has made no attempt to contact me. I did 9 months of Plan A/False Recovery.

Although my WH kept telling me he loved me, didn't want a D etc., after 9 months of many broken NC's and continued lying I went into Plan B all the way. And I did a little LBing at the end too. Couldn't help it.

My WH just left at that point. With Jennifer's coaching I tried a couple of different letters etc. but he ignored. I think some WS's get to the point where they think too much as been done and just leave, which is what I think is the sitch with mine. At first, I thought Plan B would bring him back but it didn't. So don't do it with that expectation in mind.

What it did for me though, was give me a clear path to my own recovery. It's hard though. At first I felt great, but lately I've had a little bit of a slump as reality set in. It's lonely some days, and you wonder what you are doing and why you did it. You wonder if you did the right thing, but as I look back and look at what I was going through I ask if this is the better alternative. When I look back, I see a WH who was continually lying to me, trying to maintain two seperate lives, and I was living alone most of the time anyway. And I ask myself would I rather have that? Not really.

I really didn't want to live with someone who could never make up his mind between me and someone else. I'm sure that if the original A is over, he probably already has someone else as well.

So bottom line, Plan B may not work on your spouse, but don't do it for that reason. Do it for you when you can't live another day like you are living now. You will get to the point where you realize that the only other thing that you can do is look the other way. In my case, I knew that was not an option for me.

Hello DM,


...I don't know the details of your situation.... but looking for some reassurance that PLAN B will do the 'trick' to get your WS to come back ... is not really the best way to approach PLAN B!

...but if it will help, I can personally attest to the fact that PLAN B can do wonders in clearing up....the BS fog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My WW's original A is over. We've been separated since Dday 1, but she wanted R and promised NC. On Dday 2 OM called it off. WW went through withdrawls and hated me. A month later she started dating OM2. This was December and I've been plan Aing ever since. At first, she didn't like him very much but she's spending more and more time with him now.

My reasons for going to plan b...

I'm hopeful because I don't think she's in love with OM2. He was just a rebound at first and I don't think she is addicted to him like in the first A, but I don't know if thats going to change with time. I feel like the clock is running against me.

My plan A is not working because she doesn't let me meet her ENs. She keeps her distance from me, but treats me like a doormat and safety net while she continues to see him. I can't allow that anymore.

This is putting me through h3ll all over again watching her in another A (and she doesnt consider this one an A). She keeps telling me she needs more time and doesn't know what she wants. Meanwhile, I've been on a rollercoaster.

Yes, I want her to come back, but I don't think she will unless I do something drastic. I also think it would lead to false recovery if she were to come back right now.

If this A doesn't stop there is nothing left for me to do, but recover and move on anyway. I also don't want to lose my love for her as I feel that R would already be very difficult with everything thats happened at this point.

Now that you know my sitch.. would you go to plan B??

DM,

...even though I still don't know a lot about your situation, one thing is for sure, you are in a lot of pain, and I am so sorry for that..


Your WS may have SAID she wanted R and promised NC... but her ACTIONS say otherwise.... and you need to be paying attention to what she DOES...



...it sounds like you are focusing a lot on what your WS is doing....I think your energies would be better invested on FOCUSING on what YOU are DOING.... and on the changes YOU would like to make....to be the best person you can be... and to continue learning as much as you can from the books and articles that are proposed on this site...



....because PLAN A involves 'giving' without any expectations, it creates an imbalance between the 'giver' and the 'taker' in us, and is the reason why PLAN A cannot go on indefinitely without it becoming dangerous to our emotional and psychological well-being.... what is your timeframe for PLAN A? ....if WS does not commit to R and NC with OP within that timeframe....or that your love for her is drastically diminishing.....then the next step for you to consider, for your own protection, is PLAN B....



....so maybe PLAN B may be in order...to remove yourelf from the drama and chaos created by the affairs.... and to leave your WS.... ALONE.... to think about what she wants.... and if and when she is willing to meet your conditions, you will decide THEN...what YOU want to do.....



SHE will come back IF SHE wants to....and it won't be because of what YOU do or don't do.... in the meantime... continue working on becoming the best person you can be.... learning from this experience the things you would do differently in a relationship... for when you will BE in one... either in recovering this relationship or in a new one...



I agree.



Given the info. and advice you have been previously provided with, if you think, in your heart, that you have given it YOUR best shot.....it may be time for you to consider PLAN B....

....and, as I already said, remove yourself from the chaos so that you can start the healing process of this very painful life experience, to learn from it, and use it in future relationships.... be it with WS, if she wakes up in time, or with someone new.....

One thing I can say for sure, DM, it will get better.. just hang in there....you will get through to the other side... and in the process you will have learned more about YOURSELF and how to better take care of YOURSELF! ....and know that you are worth ALL the effort so that one day you will be in the loving and caring relationship that you hope for....

YES.

You have been in Plan A for almost 2 months now and if you don't think you can do it anymore, you are going to start LBing and/or lose your love for her, then for the love of God, man...GO TO PLAN B!!!!

That is what it's for, to prevent these things. Sounds like you are being severely emotionally used and abused and that is NOT good for you.

You are not even living together and she is not letting you meet her ENs...she is fence sitting and you are allowing it. I can't think of better reasons for Plan B than all of these things.

Bumped for DM.

I read your other thread...

If your WS is unwilling to committ to recovery of M.... you have told her that you are WILLING to make the necessary changes and have SHOWN her that you can change.... so to that her needs can be better met...

..I think it's time to plan for PLAN B...like many have suggested already...

...and give yourself a chance to detach from WS... to protect yourself from the pain caused by the selfishness of a WS...... to start focusing on YOU and healing your wounds.... while at the same time...giving time to your WS a chance to see her life WITHOUT you in it... and SHOULD she change her mind... SHE will let you know....and THEN and ONLY THEN you will reconsider your options...

In the meantime...KNOW and LEARN how to live your life...WELL... with or without her.... or eventually with someone else, if you want to!

You can do it, DM... there is DEFINITELY a light at the end of the tunnel...just keep moving forward!

Thanks, Lunamare.

I'm getting prepared for plan B, but I'm worried about the timing right now, so i'm not pulling the trigger yet. She is traveling for work most of this month and in my opinion will barely be around to even notice plan B. I'm going to use this time to prepare and tie up some loose ends. Atleast, it's making things easier on me while she's gone because I know she isn't with OM.

Meanwhile, I'm also trying to do some damage control regarding her current image of me. She thinks I'm sitting at home waiting for her to come back, so I need to let her see that I'm capable of living without her. I don't want her last image of me being hurt and in pain when I go dark on her. Does that make sense?

Thanks for the support. I definitely need and appreciate it!

It certainly does....

As Orchid says...your heart and mind need to be in sync to go into PLAN B....seeing that YOU will be responsible for executing it... and you need to be strong and ready for PLAN B.... because it does involve your own WITHDRAWAL from WS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> ...so...expect to have to resist...finding excuses to contact your WS.... or cave-in to her attempts at breaking PLAN B! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

....then maybe...when you no longer are feeling like you are 'drowning', you might want to consider a name change... that will match your NEW life!