So I have been married for 18 years (we've been together for 25 years), and the night we were out celebrating our 18th anniversary while on a family vacation to Disney, my H tells me he is having an A and wants a divorce. That was 1 month ago yesterday. We have 2 great kids, a daughter 16 and a son 14.

This past weekend was especially difficult, since he left for Chicago on Thurs afternoon to volunteer/work at the Landmark Forum which is part of his Landmark Leadership program and the OW was meeting him for the 4 days. To keep my sanity, the kids and I made plans to visit my brother and his family in Texas. My H did not answer any of my cell phones calls from me or the kids during the 4 days. I did get a few 1 liner text messages on Fri and Sat about how great the seminar was going.

I flew home on Sun night, he returned home Monday at 3:30pm.

He had his miraculous break throughs around the forum (I refer to this type of language as "Landmarkese"). One of which must have been a great weekend with the OW, since he once again confirmed he wants a divorce.

I am trying to follow Plan A and give him a loving environment to come home to, but his honesty (or in Landmarese his being authentic) is killing me. I have read surviving an affair, and his needs/her needs, and my therapist has suggested Michelle Davis's book, the Divorce Remedy.

Tonight my confidence is at an all time low and of course I am hurting terribly. I have a job interview tomorrow and also am back to work - so looking for some advice to help me get through the evening/night, and figure out if Plan A is what I really want.

After our lengthy discussion this afternoon, I told him that I am still committed to the marriage and love him and am not giving up on our relationship. He gets that (more Landmarkese) and said he was sorry for hurting me.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm going to review discussions on Plan A.

thanks,
C-Cubed (Calm, Confident, and Couragous)

Hi Bak56,

I remember you from FinallyLeaning's thread, right? Big Kahuna suggested you start your own thread and here you are.

So sorry for the reasons you're here but welcome to Marriagebuilders.

Many will be by to help you but in the meantime, you're invited to read the success stories (link in my sig line) to give you hope....others have survived from similar (or even worse) situations than yours.

Again, welcome and best wishes to you.

Ace

Well, I think you really need to do a good Plan A, and attempt to save the marriage. Otherwise you may look back in 5 years and regret it.

Affairs always end, and the spouse usually comes back to the family, so THAT is in your favor.

Is the other woman married?

Have you let him know very hurtful his affair is to you and your kids?

Have you exposed the affair? Is the OW married? Have your children been told of the affair yet?

A good starter for Plan A would be Longhorn's thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

Additionally, I would suggest getting the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Sorry you are here, bak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Here is a good synopsis of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

What is Landmark? Does your H have an influential role in this group? Is that where he met OW? Is she a part of the group?

What do you know about OW?

Do the kids know what is going on?

Is there anyone else you can expose to that could be an ally to you? (Friends, family, his family, OWs Husband, work, church, social groups, etc?) Exposure is a great tool for ending As, expecially OWs Husband if she's married.

Start spying, find out as much as you can about her.

hi Bak, thinking of you here, i'm really glad you posted.

FYI for others, OW is not married, she is divorced, although, honestly that is just what her WH has said, so i've wondered myself, i'm not sure we really confirmed that.

bak, do you know for a fact at this point that she is not married?

the exposure occured, i believe, 2 weeks ago, to his parents, his business partner/good friend, as well as other people she believed would be pro-marriage. Oh, and one of WH's landmark coaches.

yes, he met OW at landmark, neither of them are staff in anyway, he is a volunteer. i think she has been a participant only.

the kids have been told that the marriage is in trouble. they were not told directly about the A, although, bak figures DD knows, which most likely mean DS knows too, not sure.

bak, i just want to add, WH is not moving out, which is significant, i know his words hurt you so much but try to look at his actions too. i.e. the fact he is not moving out, has not served you any papers, etc.

he is in conflict, insolate yourself from that as much as you can so you can protect the love you still have for him and focus on what you can have control over, namely you.

love ya!!

I think the OW is divorced, has 3 kids and lives near Madison, WI (we leave near Chicago).

Yes I told him again today how much this hurts me. And he
says he is truly sorry, but he has moved on.

Yes, I have told first a core gorup of friends, then family, and now have broaden the circle to friends who suspect when they are with me.

bak, the first order of business will be to find out who the OW is and if she is married and expose to her side of the family. I would go to http://www.zabasearch.com/ and see if her name is associated with a husband. You might also hire a PI to run a background on her to see if she is truly divorced and to find out the name of her parents [and husband, if any] for exposure purposes. A PI that some of us have used is Frank Music at http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

And be assured your H has not moved on. His affair is doomed to failure. It will be your job to cause as much trouble as conflict as possible in his affair via exposure, telling him your true feelings and making sure he knows you will not cooperate in any divorce schemes.

Have you exposed to his parents and siblings? What is this landmark corporation you mentioned?

Have you told the children about his affair? If not, I would do that immediately. Children can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They need the truth and they need your MORAL GUIDANCE now more than ever.

melody, exposure to his parents has occured.

i think that is a great idea to expose to OW's family and to confirm that she really isn't still married. i'll be happy to help try to find her again. email me the name to my home account. maybe i still have it in my work account, i'll go look. let's rile up her life too.

again, the kids were told the marriage is in trouble. bak has told them that "dad has gone down a bad path". they have not been directly told. her C has told her to not tell the kids, so far that is what she has choosen to do. it's a tough call. kids are already greatly impacted, they been told enough to where they must at least highly suspect, having it be officially out might be the way to go now.

bak, what do you think?

here is another question. this past weekend WH attended a landmark leadership training event (i don't really know anything about landmark), but the point is this... tommorow, friends and family are supposed to be brought. we know OW was in chicago with WH over the weekend, we are not sure if she actually attended the weekend or was just there to be with WH. we do not know if she will be there tommorow night. bak is trying to decide if she should show up with the kids as a show of support to BH and his interest in landmark. BH has not directly invited her.

what do you guys think? should she go unannounced? should she ask BH if he is agreeable for her to going first?

i personally think she should do something. whether that means asking for or just showing up. but i think she should show her support to it, right?

I think she should go! That would cause huge problems in affairland. With the kids and unannounced.

FL, if I were her, I would strongly consider showing up WITHOUT the kids. If the kids come, they might see a scene that they shouldn't see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I would go unannounced so that she can speak to the OW if she is there. It will also give them some much needed alone time.


I agree very much. If the kids are not told the truth, they will suspect the worst and often imagine that THEY are the source of the problem. It just causes confusion and insecurity when they don't have the facts.

back, Dr. Harley is a credentialed psychologist with 35 years experience and here is what he says about exposure to the children:

i discussed the concept of the kids being placed in a bad situation but she figures WH would not do anything in front of everyone.

i'm so torn, asking him opens the door to him saying no but seems more supportive than just showing up.

do you think it's possible he will resent her showing up?

of course now we have the added issue of more snow on the way.

bak, earlier we were talking about how WH's credit card showed another night charged on it and we were wondering if that was for sunday night or possible for tonight so OW could sleep there tonight and therefore be there with him tommorow.

well, i just called the hotel, he did not extend it under his name, they told me he checked out this morning. so it sounds more likely that the extra night was in fact for last night and hopefully that means OW has left town.

what do you think?

Supportive of what exactly? The point of just showing up is to put pressure on the affair.

He will resent whatever she does.

i just got an email from bak, she did ask him and he was touched that she wanted to go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi bak!

Welcome to MB!

I did a search on Landmark and found this:


I'm open to new ideas, but this sounds like some 'new-age' Cr*p and it might explain your H's sudden "change"...

Anyway, you're getting some great help from some of the best here... I do hope that you'll continue to read and post.

Continue to look for additional exposure sources... Based on the above, I don't think it would do much good to expose to anyone at Landmark as they'll probably just say that it was YOU holding your H back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ...I'd bet that theres a very good chance that this OW IS married and that she's "finding herself" too and that HER husband has been holding her back as well...

Affairs can't stand the light of the truth... so dig out your spotlight and start exposing! Oh, and TELL YOUR KIDS!

Semper Fi,

RIF

BAK I am certainly not advocating this as a viable option but I am giving it to you for its simplicity. Unfortunately life is not always so simple as we all very well know

My favourite a story concerns a professional man who was having an a with his secretary He left his W and 4 teenage children to live in the OW'S small apartment.

The W made an arrangement with her h to meet to discuss their problems.She told him that she needed to meet him somewhere neutral and quiet.They agreed to meet at a cafe in a park near where he worked during his lunch hour.W H arrived first and saw his wife approach together with his 4 children.As they came together the W made an announcement to the children she said Well children I want you to know that from now on you will all be living with your father--------- whereupon she turned and walked away leaving him to cope with an a and 4 teenagers.

As far as I know this is a true story. It would have taken a huge amount of guts to do that The end of the story is they all lived happily ever after----- That is all except OW

bak, good luck with your interview!

H2O,

I wouldn't recommend that with younger kids, but I really do think it'd be funny to unleash a pair of PO'ed teenagers on them full-time. My husband's father left for the OW and just during the brief visitations my H made the OW's life miserable for YEARS.