Some here are familiar with my situation, some aren't. There's something I've been wrestling with lately which I really don't know what the best conclusion or path to follow is.

My ex is living with a guy she met after our D. I believe this is a bad example to our kids and has the potential to keep introducing turmoil in their lives (this guy now, another one later).

I haven't had any serious relationships since my D. I've dated here and there, I've met people with promise, but haven't gotten serious with anyone.

I'm wondering if it's best to simply stay alone and be there for my kids 100%. This would be a personal sacrifice, but I feel that there needs to be someplace where the kids know and understand that they are number one and above anything else. My home can be the one place that is a constant, with no changes other than personal growth on my part (exercise, healthy living, etc.).

I feel that I should hold off on any relationships until they're older.

At the same time, I've been feeling very alone lately. I yearn for the ability to go out and go on dates and have fun and would love to have a relationship, but feel that this will simply introduce more turmoil and change into my kid's lives. They are 5, 3, and 3.

I want to be able to devote myself to being a parent for them, going to their activities and sports and just being the one part of their lives that's a constant.

Any thoughts and views on this?

I don't see how you being alone helps your kids. Sounds like some strange kind of matyrdom to me. You being single is better for them than introducing them to someone abusive to them or otherwise unhealthy for them, of course. But being single could be worse than bringing a healthy, supportive, loving woman into thier lives, someone they could look up to as a role model and "mother-figure". Someone that makes dad happy.

I don't think you want to introduce continuous change into thier lives, I wouldn't have a woman stay overnight in thier presense until you were very comfortable with and serious about her, and I would suggest you not consider cohabitation with another woman before marriage.

You deserve happiness in your life, your children will want that for you as well, that's what I think.

I think its a great idea for you to be alone and raise your kids. It is traumatic to kids to bring in another ADULT that is competing for your attention especially after they have been through the he11 of a affair and a divorce. It also greatly increases the risk of molestation.

What children want is for THEMSELVES to be happy. Other people's happiness is not relevant to them.

I am a firm believer that kids need the undivided attention of the custodial parent. Children DO deserve happiness, and they are happiest when they don't have to compete with paramours for attention or endure the inherent turmoil of a revolving door of new people. I vote for putting off the dating life and focusing all attention on the kids. They will be happier for it.

Well, speaking from experience... i think it depends on the kids age. I know my son would love to see me meet someone and be married again. I think once the hostilities are resolved between the parents and the kids reach an age of at least 7, that it is a good thing to bring others into their lives. It has to go slow and children should only be introduced after you know this person is safe and someone you want to have around long term. I also think that a custodial parent would do well to find another parent. I find that I have more in common with someone with children and vice versa.

My son and I have a great life and enjoy ourselves. But I think children when they get past the age of 10 instinctively do concern themselves with their parents happiness...not that they are responsible for it...but that they want what is best for the parent.

I would vote for going very slow and being safe.

IMHO, this would always be wrong to display to children.

Pom,

Focus on you and the kids and time will take care of its self. There is no hurry.

My kids were also 5 and 3 when I became divorced, so I can relate. This is a topic that has been long discussed on the After Divorce Dating board, and the consensus seems to be that you should try to balance looking out for your kids and looking out for yourself.

Especially right after the divorce, kids of such a tender age need to know that you are there for them, and are focusing on them. Being a great dad is the best gift you can give them, not to mention that everyone needs some time for healing. So I think for the nearterm future, you are better off not dating much, and spending as much time as you can with the kids.

But I also don't believe that you need to be a martyr and sacrifice your romantic life for some unclear (to me) reason. The idea that by having a romantic partner you are somehow neglecting the kids is not something that I buy. Sure, if you are with the wrong partner, who is possessive and insecure, that can happen - so don't date that kind of a person. But doesn't a married couple end up "sharing" their time between the kids and each other too?

I have dated a lot in the past few years, and my kids have NEVER expressed a concern of feeling second best. The very few times that I ended up dating someone who tried to put herself above my kids, that relationship quickly fizzled. But I also met many women (including my current SO) who went out of their way to make sure that I maintain a close relationship with my kids, because they understood that my love for my kids and my love for my parnter were two different things, and not mutually exclusive. There is plenty to go around.

Anyway, I suggest to go slow, screen carefully, but do go out there and have a life for yourself.

AGG

Pom
For what its worth, I went to a Divorce Care course and found it useful. I'm not divorced yet, but likely will be very soon. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Get involved in something fun, a dance class, a church group, anything. You can then be around people who support you and not be lonely. You can be alone and have a great time. It is not healthy to be lonely, but remember lonely and alone are different. There is nothing wrong with being alone. The course offered this advice on dating, you should expect to wait one year for every four years of marriage before dating again. For me, that means 4 years of personal growth is recommended before I date. I have made a ton of friends at the gym, church, etc.

I hope that is helpful and doesn't sound too corny.

Pom,

Maybe look into volunteering for one of the historical museums or battlefield sites near you. There are probably a bunch. Meet new people on a neutral ground with similar interests.

Pom,
For what it is worth,
When I got my divorce I didn’t want to date because my DS 16,12,8 they were have a lot of trouble with the divorce. My XW didn’t care. I was there for my boys as much as I was allowed. About a year I meet some one. We dated while the boys were at the mothers. When the time was right they meet her. I didn’t push them on her I let them warm up on their own time. I married her a year later with my boys blessing. They see how marriage should be. Their mother my XW is on her second marriage after me. After 7 years one of my boys says the he wishes that then when he gets married his marriage can be as good as mine. I have applied MB with this marriage . You children can see how marriage should be. If you want, remain single, but your children can see how a good marriage should be in you. Just a thought.

AF

Great suggestions, chrisner and lino! I think as long as she places the best interest of her children above the pursuit of her own happiness, then her kids will be fine.

The trouble comes in when a parent believes they are entitled to pursue their own interests at the expense of the kids.

I went through HE11 when I was a little girl with the ever revolving paramours. I was always competing with some stranger for the attention of my dad and I deeply resented it.

I also deeply resented being sexually molested by my mother's new husband. I had a little issue with that, but that is just me.

And of course I didn't vocalize my displeasure with my parent's dating, because it was clear my wants and desires were NOT of any importance in this set up. I certainly wouldn't risk the leftover CRUMBS I received by voicing my personal hurt. I was always second, always knew that, and always just accepted that. Kids are not stupid, they know where they stand on the list.

I have met people and do have a social circle. I constantly wrestle with the idea of having a romantic relationship with someone else and introducing more chaos into their lives.

Kids at this age are very much focused on their needs and happiness. I feel it's my responsibility to put them above my own personal relationships and need to be with a woman.

I've met women that seem open to this. But there is a limit to how long they're willing to remain separate from the kid's lives. I put myself in their shoes and can imagine how difficult it is to have a parent that is exclusively there for you and is suddenly dividing his time with being affectionate to a new woman and being affectionate to you.

I think we fool ourselves as adults. We fool ourselves into thinking that kids are ok to share the love of their parents with outsiders to the family. They're not. Especially at my kid's age and it doesn't get much easier as it gets older.

For the record, I will never, ever live with another woman while I'm not married. I think this is a terrible example to the kids.

There is a men's group at my church which I may join and there is a single's group starting up that focuses on being single again after divorce and brings singles together to do fun things but under the guidance of DivorceCare and Christian principles. I do plan on participating in that.

I'm not writing off being with women, I just question the impact it would have on my kid's lives at this very young age.

My home needs to be their sanctuary, especially as they get older.

My mind isn't made up on this subject and I welcome all inputs.

Yes, it would be good to have a woman that can be a good moral example to them, especially when their mom is a poor moral/professional/adult example to them in many respects.

But I would much rather be alone and devote myself to their activities and being there for them than for me to divide my time with them and with another woman.

No woman will ever come above my relationship with my kids. This is a tough pill to swallow for some of the women I've met.

Some profess they understand, but actions and words show otherwise.

Melody,

I completely agree with you. After my parents divorced my dad moved in with his OW (of course in my dad's eyes we were too "stupid" to know she was the OW) and my mom proceeded to have a constant string of men in and out of the house (some long term, some not) from the time I was 11 until I was 17. She did marry once in there for 6 months and was the OW at another point. She took many chances with my sister and I being alone with these men. She was lucky that nothing ever happened.

My dad did end it with his OW after about 2 or 3 years and started dating my step-mom. They have been married almost 20 years now. My sister and my step-mom have never gotten along so she no longer has much of a relationship with our dad. He picked his happiness over his relationship with his daughter.

My sister and I definitely knew where we stood in our parents lives and it sure wasn't first.


So... I've always felt very strongly about not dating if I were to divorce while my kids are still at home. It's just too dangerous these days to bring people around your children.

InADaze,

You describe exactly what I'm afraid of for my kids. Imagine if one of your parents put you and you only as first in their lives? How would that have affected you? How would it have been if he waited till you guys were older for him to bring another woman into his life?

I picture my ex doing exactly what you described and that she will continue to bring men into their lives. She's been with this one guy for a little while now, but how long will that last? Who knows.

I've had them as number one in my life and there has been only one time where I've made the mistake of introducing someone I was dating to them. Never again. It was a quick intro with little interaction between her and I and I would never ever have a woman stay the night at my house while they are there.

I put myself in my kids shoes and can see myself wanting to be with a parent who put me in their lives first above anyone else. I wouldn't want to have to deal with anyone else when I went to see my mom/dad.

I'm grown up now and am ok with it because I'm older and my parents do take time to spend one on one time with me, but even now, I prefer spending time alone with my parents and am ok with spending some time with their spouses in the picture.

It's more pronounced with my dad than with my mom since his new wife is a bit low in class. My mom's H is a decent guy and we get along well with him. He stays out of the picture long enough when I visit that I don't ever think "I'd wish he'd leave so I could spend time with my mom."

So how would you have felt if growing up you didn't have to deal with any outsiders and he/she put you guys first?

Have you ever told your parents how you feel?

Pom, I agree with you 1000%. I think you have a better understanding of how this effects kids than most. What you say is absolutely true and I applaud you for placing your childrens best interests above your own wants and desires. Your approach is intelligent and sound.

I already know I WILL not let another man/men sleep over and let my kids see that.

IMO I feel that it's not ok for children to see that and to think that's ok. I believe it will confuse them. I don't want them to develop that perception thinking it's ok to have live-in gfs or bfs.

I plan to remain celibate until God will do what He needs to and/or until my Boaz comes along.

I am scared at the thought that my daughter or son may be sexually abused by a bf or future husband. Guess WH isn't thinking of that.

I have found peace being alone these past 9 mos, though. Now I see that I can move and do what I need to do for the kids without waiting for my WH to move.