My husband and I have been married 21yrs. 4+ yrs ago and got romantically involved with another man. (Lasted 4 weeks)It was mainly an affair of the heart. But I will admit I crossed the line physically (kissing/touching). I was one that never thought this would ever happen to me. I was always a good little wife and never came close to any form of temptation. We went through marriage counseling and got our disfunctional marriage back on track. My husband abused me physically in the beginnig and then stopped and then started to just threaten me with physical abuse. I've had been called many degrading names over the years. After counseling and my husband receiving Christ, he became a new man and now treats me with love and respect. I have to say he has a new heart. I feel that I'm married for the second time but to the same man. Now the problem here is that we don't see eye to eye about one thing. That is any kind of attention I would receive from another man. Example, I would be sitting watching our daughter's basketball game and another parent (male) would come up and sit by me and start talking... about the game etc (just innocent gab) my husband walks in and becomes furious. I think the man sensed the tension and he moved. My husband proceedes to ask "who's your friend?" I tell him the situation. He then calms done. My husband doesn't feel that a man should come and sit with married woman. He feels that it is disrespecting the husband. He says he never goes and sits by another woman. I see no problem and if I see one of his friends or a spouse of one of my friends etc. I have no problem sitting by them and chatting. I do beleive that there should be boundries and I do not believe in attaining opposite sex friendships, phone conversations, lunches, coffee etc. but just running into someone and chatting out in public under these situations I don't feel it's a problem. We went to our counselor about this situation but no help (I'm looking for a Dr. Phil type to say if I'm in the wrong or is he) I understand the insecurity I caused my husband since the affair. Is this the bed I made and now have to lie in it? Or is he trying to control me and not allow me to converse with the opposite sex if he's not around? Help

Hi TB
So you understand that your BH is triggering but you feel controlled because you feel that this feeling is not reasonable.

You might be right, the A was a long time ago and not talking to anyone of the opposite sex ever is quite extreme. But these are feelings - not reasonable or unreasonable . . just feelings.

What about doing a POJA on this? Acknowledge his feelings and say that they are leaving you feeling controlled. See if you can resolve this together. Just talking might be enough to get rid of his triggers. If it does not, then at least you will be headed in the right direction.

One factor you haven't discussed is his low self esteem, which is what causes people to become abusive in the first place. Has he seen counseling for that issue? Enough to like himself enough that he doesn't worry that you'll jump into the arms of the first available man? Because he's innately unloveable? That has been his driving force his whole life; I doubt he's really over that.

When I married my H, for the first 3 or 4 years, all I heard was do you really love me, are you sure you wanted to get married, did you really marry me because you love me or for my money, on and on and on. In his mind, he was unloveable, so why would this cute girl be interested in him? He compensated by trying to control what I did; your H compensated by abusing you. It's just what they do, male or female.

So, while I'm glad he found God and seems to have changed, I urge you to consider that you don't turn someone's low self esteem off in a year, even two or three.

And btw, control is the same thing as insecurity. Rather, it happens because the person is insecure.

You can reassure him, a lot, but bottom line, he needs to search his FOO issues to find out why he feels he's unloveable and help him work through it. Or it will just start becoming more controlling, all over again.