So here is my story. I found out 3 weeks ago that my wife had been cheating on my with a former co-worker for approximately 6 months. She kept coming to me during that time and saying "I'm unhappy" and "I want to move out". Until I found out about the affair and told her she had to move, she never did leave. She finally admitted to the affair after another family member questioned very hard and found out from another person she had confided in. We both filed divorce papers and for the last week she has been in the hospital being treated for bipolar disorder. She also has a chemical dependency that gets minimized. However, she went on her own and I thought it was a good step.

While in the hospital, she claimed she wanted to get our family back. Now she claims she is confused and has strong feelings for the other person. I was willing to put a hold on the divorce proceedings, but now feel as though I just need to move on with my life and rid it of her toxic influence. The problem is that I love her and we have two young children and I want to do everything I can to make sure the divorce is the best option and that I leave no stone unturned.

Someone made the comment that one should post their story and get insights, so that is what I hope to do. I plan to try and ignore her for a while, especially since she is in no condition to help me take care of the kids. I'm assuming that suicide was the key word to get her admitted, and I also read that that is a common consideration when torn between your family and an affair. Help! Thank you.

Except for the suicide attempt and being committed, she is saying and doing the things all WSs (wayward spouses) do.

If she is truly wanting to work to recover the marriage, it is possible to do so. She needs to agree to several things before you should consider agreeing. First she needs to agree to write a letter to OM stating that there will be no further contact between them, EVER. She needs to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens, quit her job, family moves, whatever that takes. She needs to provide you with any information you need to verify that she is upholding this (email passwords, cell records, full accountability for time, etc.)

If she will agree to this and abide by it, it is quite likely that her feelings about the marriage will change. There are several articles here designed to help you understand infidelity and how to recover from it. I would suggest you study Plan A and B and read "Surviving an Affair" by Steve Harley. This should get you pointed in the right direction.

I should clarify that she didn't actually try suicide, but I'm thinking she said she was afraid of what she might do. Seems to be the key words for getting admitted to the psych unit.

She won't agree to stop the affair, and even if she did agree to, I don't think she would stop it. There have been so many lies. From what I read it sounds like it will have to run its course. The other person is also still married but going through a divorce. What happened to moral values?

I am pushing ahead with the divorce papers. In the last few days, she got very emotional a few times and said that she wanted to get her family back. She says she is confused and isn't sure about things. She continued to tell me she loves me up until I started ignoring her. I guess if I waited it out there might be a chance, but it's also somewhat of a relief to think I could get out from under her debt and all her other problems. I would continue it but only if she was committed to doing so.

Sounds like you have a plan. Not a very good one, unless you really want a divorce, but I think that you have every right to seek a divorce.

I just hope you realize that A do end, and oftentimes people are able to recover the love they had for each other. It takes work, from both spouses. Usually the WS is like your W at first.

Think about it, if you change your mind we're here to help you brainstorm.

I would welcome the help. I can keep the reconciliation agreement in place and see how she reacts. I need custody for now, though, due to her behavior and mental issues. I just don't know how long someone is supposed to watch their marriage vows get trampled on before imposing some consequences. She is not living with me right now. Let me know what you think. I understand the principles on this website, but I'm not sure why she would want to work it out with the things that have happened. Thanks for the ideas and suggestions.

How long have you been married? How many kids? Ages? Was she a good wife BEFORE the affair?

At times she was. We have been married almost nine years with two kids who are 2 and 5. She has always been a "taker", somewhat selfish and with the 'princess complex'. She has always suffered from depression and now is diagnosed as bipolar. Not things we couldn't work through so long as she was dedicated to our marriage. Any time we went to counseling, it was always about her problems and not our marriage. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid of screwing up the kids and afraid of letting go.

Let me ask you this, too, for those that have experience with this. She seems undecided much of the time - with comments like "I want to try and get my family back" and "I'm so sorry I hurt you" and "let's simplify our lives with a smaller house, etc.". Mostly those comments came after some time spent with the kids. Other times she just seems like she wants out. Is this a reaction based on the guilt from hurting someone so badly? Does she say she is "confused" just because she doesn't know how to let go of the relationship we had? I understand the affair won't last forever, but I don't know if I want to wait to see. Some might say I should get on with it - maybe I can find someone better....

As a WS I can only assume that the comments of working things out after she sees the kids is because of guilt. When she spends time with them she realizes what she is doing is wrong and so the sensible side comes out. When she wants out it is because she is having withdrawls of the emotional needs that the OM is giving her instead of you. The whole situation can be extremely confusing and depressing. If you truely love her than it is worth working out. Many times thats all we wanted in the first place.

I want to work it out, but it's hard to do that when it's a one way street. Any suggestions?

Should I say:

"It really hurt me that you had an affair, and I know you are interested in continuing it, but it would help my pain and help me understand how sorry you are if you ended it."

It will be hard to ignore her now since she will have to see the kids, especially since she hasn't in a while. What would be best to do here? Plan B would be nice but difficult given the circumstances. I don't see any way that she will end it though, given that it's all about what she wants right now. If she doesn't want to end it does that mean it may not work out for us ever?

Maybeover,
Having read the concepts on this site, do you see anything that YOU need to do to make your marriage a more attractive option for her? I know that sounds like a slap in the face, but there is a belief here that while you are not responsible in the slightest for her choice to have an affair, you own some portion of the atmosphere of the marriage prior to the affair. Are you guilty of any lovebusters that need to be corrected?
I'm not saying you are, but I had to ask. From my limited understanding of Bipolar disorder though, the manic phase can be accompanied by sexual promiscuity, so its possible you did nothing to make your wife unhappy prior to the Affair.

Just saying that an analysis of this sort will help you decide the path forward. Plan B usually needs to follow a good Plan A for it to be effective.

You will get great help from the vets on this board so listen to them. I would like to see if I can help you understand your wife's mental state. Is she still in the hospital? With bipolar it takes a while for the medication to kick in. Also, there may be many medication changes to find the right one for her. I have known a few BP people and self-centeredness seems to be part of the illness. When they are in the manic state they make irrational knee jerk decisions. Things like buying things, affairs, moving, quitting their jobs etc. They also seem to have their "time" that they back slide. It is usually around the same time every year. My BIL was thanksgiving. My friends WH is Christmas (yes he had 2 affairs around Christmas 2 years in a row) Now I am NOT excusing her affairs I am just warning you that with BP there is a greater chance she will have another one. Look for signs in the past to figure out when her "time" is and watch her like a hawk during that time. How old is your wife? BP usually comes out late teens early 20's but can come out later. I suspect she has been BP for a while just not diagnosed.

Andrew3, I agree. There are more things I can do. Although, we are living apart now. I wish we were still together so that I could do those things, but it is harder since we are apart. I told her I love her a lot more lately, said nice things to her, held her hand, hugged her, etc. But, I'm wondering if it's too late. Since she has moved out, I can't really show that I can do more of the little things that I know help meet her needs. I would appreciate some suggestions here.

suamico, she is just out of the hospital, and the meds were changed while she was there. I agree with what you say about the BP - she has all the same traits / behaviors. She is in her early 30s and was just finally diagnosed last December after about 10 years of thinking it was depression only.

Part of me thinks that if I just end it now and move on I will be better off. I love her, but I feel like I have stopped loving myself because of being so wrapped up in her issues and problems. I know that her affair won't last, and likely neither would any other relationship. I have put up with much more than anyone should have to because I love her and promised "in sickness and in health" even though she broke her vow.

Please keep the perspectives coming. They really help.

I see people here post time and time again how the aftermath of an A is like a roller coaster. Living with someone who is BP will be one too. At least now you know what is wrong. I would read up as much as you can on BP. She should also be reading up on BP. Another thing to watch for is her medications. I can't even tell you how many times the BP people I know went off their med's because they feel fine now. If you have to count the pills every day to make sure she is taking them. That being said (sorry for so much gloom and doom) there are many BP who realize they can never stop taking the medication. They reach out to those close to them and trust them to raise a flag when they notice change. They lead great lives and you wouldn't even know they were BP. It is your decision but I would encourage you not to make any major decisions for a few months. Give her time to stablize and see if your old wife comes back. Do you think it is worth one more shot now that you know what is really wrong with her?

Maybe so suamico. Those are good points. My major issue is that the affair is still going and has been for 7 months now. I don't think she will end it. I have decided to wait, so long as she will agree to the hold on the divorce proceedings. If it was a manic BP thing, it might have happened once, but the length of the affair makes it much harder.

What does everyone think about the choices I have (there may be more):

- Continue to try and do the things I think would help, tell her I love her, say nice things, etc. even while the affair is going, and without much talk about the future and decisions

- Cease contact as much as possible so that she can decide on whether she misses me and our family enough to want to work it out

- Continue to ask her if she can consider my feelings for the time being and cease contact with the other person

- something else?

The other issue is that we live apart now. She will see the kids so I will have to interact with her. This would play into what you think about the options I mentioned.

MBO,

Be sure you have read the basic concepts and the Q&A columns related to infidelity. Also read some of the threads you will find here and in the General Questions II forum.

I would also suggest that you get a copy of Surviving An Affair. Read it, study it and understand it, because this is where you will find a plan to try to save your marriage.

All of this assumes that you want to recover your marriage and are willing to do what you need to do in order to accomplish that. It isn't easy and won't be instant gratification, but it is possible. But it is also a decision you need to make, because unless you want it, there is little point on expending a lot of energy in that direction.

Just so you know, it is not uncommon at all for a wayward spouse to waffle on what to do. It is one of the things that is the norm rather than an exception.

If you haven't read them yet, be sure to read the top 4 threads on this (JFO) forum as they will give you a wealth of information. The threads from Longhorn and WAT will show you what to expect and the other two will help you in understanding some of the abbreviations and such that are common here.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you are here under these circumstances, but considering those circumstances, it is a good place to get help.

Mark

Well your wife has 2 fogs to come out of right now. The fog of BP thinking and the fog of the A. Also the OM is in love (gag) with someone he doesn't know. When she starts to stablize who knows what will happen. I forgot you said you are living apart. Is there any way she can move back home? Plan A for now. I don't know what to tell you about the choices, some vets out there can help you with that. Read some other posters stories here to get a better idea of what to do and what NOT to do. You said the A has been going on for 7 months. From what I have read here they usually die out before 2 years max. I know it must suck but if you can plan A your a$$ off for the next few months you may be happy with the results. (A ends, wife gets better and see's you for the wonderful husband you are) I know you wish someone would make the decision for you but it is your call. The first decision you need to make is do you want to try. I think you coming here suggests you do. Even if you have mixed feelings, you do. If you didn't you wouldn't have mixed feelings, you would say "I'm done." I don't think you're done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What have you done to attack the A? What do you know about OM? Who is he, what does he do, where does he work, where did they meet, do they work together, is he married? Tell us everything you know about him.

Who else knows about the A? Have you read about exposure? Who would be willing and able to apply pressure on your WW to end the A? Parents, siblings, co-workers, employers, other mans wife and family, his employer, his church, his friends?

If you are wanting to save your marriage, you need to understand Plan A and begin to make yourself into the best H you can. You need to fix your part of the marriage. At the same time you need to be applying as much pressure as you can to the A. You need to make it as difficult as possible for your W and OM. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Exposing the truth makes it very uncomfortable.

You mantra to your WW needs to be "I love you and believe in our marriage and want to find a way to make it a happy marriage for BOTH of us. I believe this is possible but it cannot and will not happen while a third person is involved. I look forward to the day that you will end this affair and give our marriage a chance to succeed."

Also read this:

Carrot and Stick of Plan A