I have asked that she not continue the affair, but I don't think she will stop. I told her that she would have to make her own decisions and I respect the fact that I can't make them for her, but that is where I stand. The other person is married, getting divorced, kids, 15 years older, and a former co-worker in the same field. I also know that her therapist has been divorced, and that just seems like something one shouldn't know about their therapist. Maybe more than one time, too. I don't think the therapist is good but she likes the way she listens.

Talk is scheduled for tonight - let me know if you think of anything else I could use. Thanks so much for the support.

Maybeover,
Its good that you have taken a look at yourself and seen areas that you need to improve. You can use that information when you talk to your wife about working on the marriage. Sort of like "I have been thinking a lot about our marriage prior to your affair, and I see now the behaviors I had that were not supportive of our marriage. I have started to list out the areas that I need to improve in and would be happy to hear your thoughts as well. But in order to work on the marriage, I require a commitment from you as well. Your continued contact with the OM will sabotage any recovery effort right from the beginning, so you must be willing to commit to NC, etc..."

Offering something of yourself up when you ask something of her is a good way to encourage her agreement. That is, of course, if reconciliation is your desired goal. It sounds though like you have reached a point where you have put up with so much drama, her affair and refusal to end it, is the last straw. Now you are seriously considering if life with this woman is conducive to your long term happiness. I can completely understand this sentiment. If my wife hadn't broken down, sobbing on the floor and begging for another chance when I confronted her, there is absolutely no chance that I would have bothered with Plan A to win her back. As it happens, she did have an immediate epiphany and I elected to work on recovery, althouth it was by far the hardest decision I have had to make yet and I still don't know if it was the right one.

I guess the best advice I can give, is give it some time. Move away from D-day chronologically and let your emotions stabilize before making any major decisions.

Maybeover,

I have been reading along this thread and wondering what to say. I think you have been receiving good advice and very MB style advice. I think you would do well to heed it.

I have been posting on this site for a long time and I am very promarriage. However, (you knew that was coming) there is a factor here that is being discussed but perhaps isn't being looked at in the light I look at it.

Dr. Harley specifically states that he will not do marriage counseling with someone who has other addictions, alcohol, drugs, etc. Why? The method doesn't work because the addictions will override all efforts. His advice, address the addictions and then address marriage counseling. He was also and has extensive experience in addressing drug addiction.

Why am I point this out? Your W is still in her A. She has left your home. She has bipolar disorder and perhaps other issues. There is NOTHING on this site that is designed nor expected to help you address her bipolar disorder. Marriage counseling, even assuming she didn't have bipolar disorder, does not work while the affair is ongoing.

Are you seeing a picture here??? I would also submit to you that until and unless she is out of the affair and her BPD has been successfully treated, which has not happened yet, the kids really should have very limited access to her life. These disorders profoundly affect children when the children are exposed to parents that have not successfully found treatment.

I really and truly think that at your age and with children in the picture, that divorce may well be the only path. I hate it for the kids, but the alternative for the kids is NOT good. I seriously doubt she will address her BPD until the affair is over.

Those are my honest thoughts as much as I would like to offer you advice to make you feel better and tell you that your decision to file is wrong. I don't think it is given the circumstances. Could you two end up married in the future? Yes, I think it could happen pending her getting the BPD addressed and the affair ending. But, there is no chance if you keep hanging in there and burning the love bank to zero. And frankly treating BPD appears from what I have read (I am no expert) to be difficult to treat.

Just another point of view, wish you and your family the best.

JL

I think you are right. While I tried hard, I think in the back of my mind I had resigned myself to the fact that divorce is the only way at this point. I think a judge will see everything and all will work out for the best in the end. On the positive, I get to start over and be debt free except for my house. Dave Ramsey style. Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions and showed support. I no longer have to live with the mad spending habits, moods, depression, irritability, sexual promiscuity, etc. Also, while I understand some of the points on this website, I don't think it would ever be right for me to be married to someone who could stomp on wedding vows like this. I wish peace for everyone suffering from pain in a similar situation.

You are more than justified to proceed with D. Just be sure it's not a short fused emotional decision you might regret later.

Having kids can cause a change of heart day to day.

Give it sometime to sink in before you start writing checks to the lawyer.

If your dead set, move to Plan B during this time period. See what type of response you get from WW.

-JKT

Just an update. I have full custoday of the kids. This is great news. I feel much better about it now that it is resolved.

I feel like I am 95% turning the corner. I feel like she is not good for me, and this was what had to happen to let her figure out that she needed to wake up and do something. However, there is a small part of me that has a vision.

My vision is that, because of the interaction and my control of the decisions for the kids, we will have a life together still even though it isn't a romantic one. But, I have to say that once she gets it together, which will happen long after our divorce, she will realize that she can't keep relationships going, has problems with anyone else due to our history, and that no one will put up with as much crap as I have for so long. I think the affair sounds like it is coming to an end, and even if she decided to get married again there is little chance it would last.

Am I crazy to still think that maybe someday we would be back together again? I mean, if I don't find anyone to love and neither does she, what will we do 10 years from now? We will still see each other every other day since she can't have the kids by herself, and we might have a great relationship again that would allow us to fall in love again. Any ideas on this - either saying it is crazy or having similar experience?

I just don't see how someone can decide they want to divorce when they can't even admit to all their problems. This, to me, is a good step. I hope to find a great person some day in the future who will love me and allow me to love them without pushing me away. But I know that her relationships won't last, and just wonder what the future might hold.

Anyway, please post I'm interested in figuring out what is keeping me holding on a slight bit.

P.S. Plan B drove her nuts! Although, she has made up her mind not to try and work on it. Take care everyone. I will check back in soon.

Maybe,

I think it is positive that you have custody of the children. As for being together later in life?? Who knows. It does happen. However my recommendation is to work on healing you, helping your children adjust to all of this, and then start to get a life of your own. Give it time with respect to dating as you are more harmed than you realize.

I'll offer you an analogy. Many many years ago I had a hernia repair. I was healing well and had no pain about a week or so after the surgery. It had rained and I was walking along and I jumped a water puddle. About midway over the water puddle I recalled I had the surgery and this was going to hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I landed and it did. I forgot how damaged I was although I was healing.

I think the same is often true in these cases. Something feel much better, but about the time you "jump" you will realize "this is going to hurt when I land." So take the time to truly heal yourself.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the reply. I have more and more moments of clarity these days, especially compared with moments of pain and those that offer me a chance to relive the past or try to figure it out. The main point I have learned in all of this is: Someone who would commit adultery, which is an offense just below murder in my opinion, is a terrible person. Especially someone who would commit adultery, then come back to their spouse, have sex, and lie about the adultery, especially when the spouse has been good to them, supportive, and put up with a bunch of nonsense from them. My wife is a terrible person. She will never be a good influence on anyone, especially me and my children. May god have mercy on her soul.

Whew. Now that I know I am about to completely get out of what was a horrible relationship, I am much better off for it. The things that caused us problems were all choices made by her, not me, and were all things that could have been prevented. Unless she is a horrible person, which she is.

I liked some of the things on this website that were pro-marriage, but in my case this is the only option. My spouse was and still is so screwed up that no doctors, pills, therapy, or anything else can fix her. She can't even fix herself even if she wants to. The devil is at work through my spouse and I'm glad I realize that now. I can reclaim my life, make myself happy, and then maybe let someone else into it later. I will definitely be screening women much harder from here on. My advice to someone who has a spouse who committed or is committing adultery - get rid of them. Don't go to their apartment and have sex, don't go on dates, completely ignore them and move on. There are some good people in this world and for those of you who are like me and have been good husbands or wives, do good for yourself, keep your spirituality going, and make yourself happy. We can find someone who will treat us right, even in today's horribly liberal society that seems to condone adultery.

Signing off with these last points. Take care everyone - and keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

So it's been a long time. Hope everyone is well - and those that aren't find peace.

I'm back to share some new experiences. If you find a spouse cheating, hopefully it's comforting to you to know that things turn around and get better. It's the worst experience I've ever been through, but you can make it.

Six months ago I posted my story and got some really good information from this site. My wife cheated and left me and two kids. I did everything for two great kids for years, while she popped hydrocodone and slept all day and stayed out all night cheating. She can never get that time back. She lied in every word that came out of her mouth. Mostly, she still does.

My advice to everyone who is going through that same type of hell is to do the right thing. Just figure out what is right and do it, that way you won't look back and regret anything nor will you wish you had done it differently. Especially if you have kids.

I did the right thing - I protected my kids and fought for them to have a stable home. Most importantly, I got myself back together after going to hell and back and now feel the best I have ever felt. I would have stayed with her forever, but it would have shortened my life, no doubt.

As it turns out, I'm getting divorced (hopefully soon) but my wife recently figured out how badly she screwed up and asked to come back. I didn't want a divorce, but am getting used to the idea now. I wanted to save it, but I was co-dependent with a drug addict and needed to figure out on my own that I could no longer enable nor take care of her. She is on her own and I hope things get better for the kids sake. Regardless of what happens with her, I'm feeling great and just wanted others who are hurting terribly to know that you do make it through. With good friends (and moderate alcohol!) and family everything will get better. Who knows, for those of you who are saying you want your spouse back, they may just come back. Be careful, though, and make sure you take care of yourself, do the right thing, and don't sacrifice yourself for your marriage. Make sure it's a two way street.