Ok. I really need some help. My H is an alcoholic. He got really out of hand a few years ago with it (drunk every day from 7-10 shots of rum with coke). It took its toll on our marriage. Somewhere in there, I became codependent. I'm currently reading Codependent No More and doing the activities they say to do in that book.

His drinking habit has tapered off some, but he'll drink a bottle of wine and a 6 pack and say it's not a big deal cuz he only does it every few weeks. If I go somewhere (on a rare occassion) in the evening, he will not drink if I tell him not to while he's watching the kids. But I have to tell him. But he'll listen and not drink. He doesn't drink in the morning or during the day. He drinks in the evening and not every day. But then he'll do something like tonight...he went to talk to our neighbor to say hi, got offered a beer and then 6 or 7 beers later, he was buzzed and went to sleep early. He can go for days without, but then once he gets one in him, he can't have just one. Anyone heard that country song, the More i Drink, The More I drink?

Anyhow, we are separating in March. I'm taking the kids to my mom's. So far we've been friendly and he's expressed how much he'll miss the kids and me. However, he's also said I could drop the kids off and they could stay with him for a couple of days or even a week when he's on vacation. That worries me because I really don't trust him. I worry he will possibly drink as he won't be living with me and he won't have me to make sure he doesn't drink while caring for them. They are 1 and 3 so they really need a sober parent.

Here's the thing, as this separation progresses, I will be moving in with my dad for a year. My dad has a huge house and has offered to shelter me and the children while I get my feet back on the ground since I haven't been working for a few years since the babies were born. My H wants to live in the same state and says he may attend some college out there where my dad lives to start a new career since he plans to quit his job in June. He will want the children to stay with him every other weekend AT LEAST. He has even talked about having joint custody and having them live half with me and half with him.

I am not comfortable with that because of the drinking and because of other things. He's very liberal when it comes to tv shows that they watch, what they eat, what they listen to, etc. He ignores them if he feels like it and doesn't if he doesn't. If I tell him it'd be nice to take the babies to the playground, he says "I don't like the playground." That's how he is, he doesn't really seem to care much about what they like or need.

I'm so tired of it that I can't live with it any longer.

But I'm afraid of his anger. He's jokingly said how much better he looks on paper since he's been working and will surely find another job easily, that he could get sole custody. Oh my God! He claims he wouldn't do that to me, but you know how people get really freakin' crazy when divorcing sometimes. I fear he says he wouldn't do it to me, but in the end, maybe he will. Heck, I would! I'd gladly take sole custody of the children. So, what should I do?

SHould I see a lawyer? Should I divorce him or just stay separated for a long time?

I think he'll even want to claim them on his taxes and may fight for custody just to do that. I really don't care about that stuff, I'll find a way to get money.

I'm educated and will figure finances out. Plus we have 60k + from selling our home. SO, that area is all right.

Man, I"m so confused and I just don't know what to do.

I know he's their dad. I would be happy to give him visitation, but the drinking and irresponsible behavior-it just doesn't sit well with me.

THanks for reading and any advice.

Gather as much evidence of his drinking as you can (witnesses, etc.). Tell him that you have enough evidence that you are confident (as is your lawyer) that he will never get custody. That said, you are willing to let the children stay with him - IF he agrees to go to MC with you, with the focus of the counseling on child raising, to build up his awareness of what's involved and his responsibilities. Tell him that once you've completed X months of this counseling, you will let the children stay with him. If he doesn't want to do the counseling, then you can go to court for a divorce and let the judge decide what he gets.

I too am co-dependent and wondering what to do about a relationship that has involved addiction and the mental health of my spouse.

Here's what I am doing. She filed for divorce first after having an affair because she was scared I might take the kids away, and in my state being first to file might give an advantage in temporary custody. It sounds like your H doesn't care about much and would use the kids as pawns in the game. I won't, because I know they need to see their mother and have a relationship with her. But, I have also stood my ground in saying that they shouldn't be with her alone. You have to make that decision. No one thought that woman would drown four kids in the bath tub until after she did it.

Stand up for what you think is right and proceed that way. In my situation, I'm having trouble letting go but have some divorce papers in and also a reconciliation agreement that says the kids are with me for the time being. Don't ever put your kids in harms way if you think you might be by letting them stay with someone like that. They depend on you to protect them. Chances are he won't care that much anyway, if he is ok with you leaving with them.

Take care of yourself. It will get better.

Thanks cat and may. See that's the thing. I'm afraid of him. I fear if I try to pull the "They're not staying overnight with you until..." ultimatum, he will make my life ******. He's already said they are half his so he can do what he wants to do. And he says that he's "Letting" me take them to my moms because he knows it is best for now. However, he says that he plans to have them over for the weekend. Period. And that he doesn't need my permission because they are his children. That's what is so hard about separation verses a divorce with a judge saying what will be and won't be. Just being separated makes it so the two parents must decide. I don't know what he'll do if I tell him they can't stay with him. I don't even have the guts to do it. He's always bullied me into getting his way and not even with physical violence. He's very controlling and manipulative. He knows just what to say to make me feel stupid and weak. And that's why I know I'm codependent.

But I'm not healthy yet. I'm not there yet. And in the meantime I don't know how to do this. I don't know. Maybe I should just go to my mom's for a couple of weeks and then to my father's house. I was going to stay at my mom's because it's closer to my H and he'd be able to see us more easily. But now, I just don't know. Maybe being further away would be better. I've even though about filing for divorce soon as he quits his job because why would they give custody to someone who has no job and no family. I atleast have family.

This is so confusing and so upsetting. I"m just so damn scared of him. It's all mental too. He's never laid a hand on me. But I fear his threats of trying to get custody. There is NO PROOF of his drinking except for my stories that I"ve told my therapist and friends. I don't have pictures or witnesses. The worst of his drinking is always done when he's here alone is his office. No one knows except his best friend who is also a big drinker and he ain't talking. THat guys wife knows too, but who knows if she would testify. She's not really the type to do anything like that.

This just sucks.

I don't know what to do. I guess I need to talk to a lawyer about it. I'm scared to even do that since he can track my phone calls that I make.

If he's letting you leave the state, you are already ahead of the game. I wouldn't file until you moved to the new state, it would give you an edge up.
However, don't think you can restrict his parenting time because children need both parents.

There are many great books on the subject. Go to your local library or the bookstore and begin reading. A great one is "Mom's House/Dad's House". It has great suggestions for maintaining a friendly divorce, looking at both sides.

You likely won't have to prove alcoholism, it never seems to come to that. Courts just want to make sure each parent has rights.

I think you're saying separation just so he won't get as upset. Go ahead and file for divorce - after you move. Let everyone in your life know you are doing it, then do it. If you have a united front of people protecting you, and watching over the kids with you, and he KNOWS that they all know, you'll be safe.

Newly- why am I ahead of the game since he's letting me leave. This is what he has said: He's said I could leave Georgia for North Carolina to stay with my mom but he wants me to bring them back to GA for a weekend or two till May when he quits his job. He is quitting cuz he hates his job and wants to retrain in Minnesota. My dad is in MN and says he would be happy to have me and the girls stay there endlessly. I will stay with my dad till I get myself together and get the kids in preschool at least. I am educated and could easily get work once I get everything together. He doesn't know what he wants to do. But at the same time, he has said he wants joint custody.

I'm scared to divorce because I figure if we're just separated, nothing is written in stone yet.

????

You can always remarry. Once he has gone through serious counseling and come out the other end a changed man. I'd bet that nothing short of divorce would convince him to do so.

I'm curious. If you go back and reread your posts, do you realize that you are talking abuse-speak? Everything you say is phrased in terms of what he lets you do. You've been mentally beaten down so much that you've lost your own will power and knowledge that you deserve equal rights. This is a really good time to show your kids how to take care of oneself by not allowing abuse. If you don't, and you let it go on too long, you will no longer be able to leave, you'll be so beaten down.

And then your girls will grow up and marry abusive men because it's all they know.

Keep up with reading the Melody Beatty books on Codependency. They are priceless.
I believe in MB principles but feel they can't work in cases of abuse: physical, emotional or substance.

Per Cat's comment. Another great book is "The Verbally Abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. Sadly, Alcoholism seems to go hand in hand with other abuses, like verbal or emotional.

Alcoholics or abusers are stunted to the mental age of when they began abusing. If he was 17 when he started drinking, then he's still thinking like a 17 YO because he never had to mature.

If you want to move and he's allowing it, do it ASAP before he changes his mind. Then file for D, even if you don't want it, to protect your finances and your children's security. You've already said you don't plan to stay with him, so filing protects you, and the children. If you file while he's employed, Child support will be determined from that salary. If he's unemployed, they will have no basis.

There are many great books on the topic of alcoholism, dependency and on divorce. Get reading. Sounds like you've already sold your home - which is a blessing in this market.

I believe both parents should share custody of the children. And some parents become better parents post divorce. However, a drunk parent should not be around the kids. If you move, you would have de facto custody, but let the courts know that you moved under the impression he was planning to follow you there and you had no intention of severing his parental rights. If you are concerned for the kids safety, you could request supervised visitation.
Long distance parenting is nearly impossible.