Post deleted by Tuco

Pre D-day, I wouldn't have thought anything about it. Post D-day, NO WAY.

It's about protecting your M. Plain and simple for me.

Polygraph.

I wouldn't believe her either.

Ask her to take a polygraph and then watch her start singing like a canary.

Don't let the wife play the "don't you trust me?" card. Set your boundaries. Get the book "More Than Friends" (something along those lines).

Tell her how this is playing with fire.

Tell her that you are only ok with this friendship if you're brought along and included in the lunches. Make her friend your friend.

My ex WW insisted on maintaining a friendship with a guy she met on the base when we were married. I felt really uncomfortable by it and they would get together without telling me and would play video games together. She was naive about his intentions.

I made enough of a stink about it that she finally dropped it and agreed to my limit on the friendship which was that she could talk to him when he was at work at the local shop, but that was all I was ok with.

You have to set your limits. This willingness to pursue this friendship could have serious consequences to you down the road. Set your limits and protect your marriage.

Friends or More?

The above link is from the website of the late Dr Shirley Glass who wrote "Not Just Friends" which is discussed on the same website. Along with the questionnaire (Dr Glass called them Quizzes) are a few others that can point to personal and social vulnerabilities for a marriage.

Dr Harley stresses the importance of recreational time together for a married couple. His UA is one of his basic concepts. He also explains why it is so important that you are each other's favorite recreational companion. The opposite is also true, you should not have a favorite recreational companion that is not you spouse.

Mark

Dr. Harley on how affairs start:

"When one intimate emotional need is met outside of marriage, the others are not far behind."

Post deleted by Tuco

Polygraph.

Really?

But you see, the boundary needs to be hers, not yours. You can't set a boundary to control or reinforce her actions. You can only set a boundary for YOU.

Hi Tuco
Whilst your W is right that you should never have these conversations electronically, her reaction rings alarm bells.

Take a step back. Think about how to explain to her why she is endangering your M. Then have a conversation with her at the end of a meal when you are both relaxed. Explain what is wrong with what she is doing. Explain it from the M point of view, stay away from 'I feel that . .". Keep your ears wide open, listen carefully to what she says.

If you hear justifications or anger, you need to come back here for more advice.

She is nervous because you are sniffing around a likely affair would be my guess. She will try to throw you off with anger, by trying to make you feel guilty for not trusting her, by trying to make you out to be an insecure jealous psycho.

My WW did this and it was VERY effective. Took me over 6 months to get to the truth of the matter.

I would suggest you read the books suggested here and continue to talk with your W about this. I would also suggest that you VERY CAREFULLY start snooping into your Ws activities. Given what you have said, the reasons for your suspicions, the rumors, the extent of this friendship, I would say its highly possible she's been involved in a long term A and given your recent interest in things it could go further underground. You need to get sneaky, DO NOT GET CAUGHT SPYING before you get more information. She will use that against you and you won't be able to prove anything. I would suggest a GPS device on her vehicle, look for strangeness during the lunch hour. I would also suggest you get access to her cell phone billing details.

Trust your gut Tuco. The reason you are so suspicious is because there is conflict between your head and your heart. You KNOW what you think is true, you also really really don't WANT it to be true. This is a very very dangerous combination, as it will lead you to doubt yourself and deny reality. Take the time to get your facts straight, and be really really cool and careful. You've lunged at the gerbil, and its going to hide for a bit now. Bait your trap and lay low.

Post deleted by Tuco

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough for her to cease...your sit sounds alot like mine. Mine further developed though. What really bothers me, besides the fact that it seems she cares more about her "friendship" than your M, is that all of this can make YOU look like the bad guy. TRUST YOUR GUT. My gut literally hurt, and it was right. Rarely do you get a feeling that you know something is not right, it is almost as if nothing can can convince you otherwise. How would this make her feel, roles reversed...? There is the answer to your ?

I never thought about this situaiton much until it happened to me. I had always had friends of the opposite sex. Heck my closest friend in college other than my H was my friend Mark. And he is still one of my closest friends though he lives half way across the country.

My WH started being friends with this woman at work at the end of 2006. Our M was not perfect but it was still OK. Once he started skiing with this 'only friends' of his, everything started to get worse. He started confiding in her about my depression and our M troubles until it was a full blown EA.

He still won't admit that the EA was what it was. But that is what his relationship with this person was. I honestly belie that if he had never met this woman and spend as much time as he did with her, that we would not be on the brink of divorce.

We are separated and it appears that there is no chance for reconciliation at this point. Now I see that too close friendships, of any kind frankly, can cause problems in a M. You shouldn't be closer emotionally to anyone other than your partner.